Well...guess I am the odd man(woman) out here. I am 13 1/2 years older then my dh. It has never been a problem for us. In fact, he always said....I will keep you young...well...I am trying to keep him young now. My dh looks older then he is and I look younger then I am. In fact last month when we were at his doctor and I expressed a concern for something happening to me before him and then what would happen to him. The doctor couldn't believe I was older then him.
I just turned 78 and he will be 65 in March. I have never felt uncomfortable about our ages and I don't think he has either.
Continuation of my post above: I think that me being so much older then he is has been a blessing during this time that he has slowly slipped into childhood, because it makes it easier for me to tell him what he can and cannot do and he seems to accept this. Guess I have become a mother figure to him. And, that is OK. Also, you have often seen me writing about how I will not be able to care for him without placement or a lot of help because I am a small woman and because of my age.
We had 10 wonderful years full of lots of travel, dancing, eating at great places, etc. He worked for the Fed. Gov. and when he retired I finally agreed to get married. Well..within one or maybe less then 2 years we found out he had Alz. You all know the rest of the story because I have been here so long.
Judith you are an inspitation to us all. By the way-my husband was only three years older than I am. From the time we were married we were taken as father/daughter. I got irritated when the staff at the ALF kept commenting on how much I cared about my "father"-Grrrr.
My DH is 17 years my senior...I was a trophy wife....now I feel like an old tarnised, battered and dented trophy wife. Until this disease moved in and doesn't pay rent,...grrrrr....things were happy for the most part and life was good..now....just one day is the same as another but some have more crap in them than others.
My husband is 20.5 years older than me. We have been married almost 29 years and dated for 3 years before we were marrired. We have so totally loved each other and been partners and friends. He has supported and loved me like no other. I want to be able to live up to the care he needs and give him the love he has been used to. I feel myself pulling away though. I miss the physical contact, the sounding board of common sense he provided, and his wonderful sense of humor.I miss knowing he is praying for me. I have watched him deteriorate for several years, when he could no longer write his auction bills or take care of other business. When he started mixing up words. I had to fight to get the local doctor to consider that something was wrong, and finally had to change doctors before someone would start him on medication. It helped slow things for a while but 2 years ago the inevitable could no longer be ignored.
I feel like I am taking care of my father. (funny side bar: I had a patient say to me one time "oh I know you, you are Carl Honnold's little girl"...it was a joke between us for years). Both of my parents had dementia, my mother for several years, my Dad for about 9 months before he died. I took care of both of them.I stopped working to care for them full time and Carl supported me in that but I am unable to do that this time for Carl. I need health insurance, as well as the income.
What has been bugging most lately in a feeling of being left out. It is hard to watch my friends go places and do things and have a social life. I miss that. CArl and I used to love to dance, I played my flute in the church orchestra and preformed much special music and I read for pleasure. Now I am so tired that I can't even think some evenings. The thought of trying to take him out to eat just overwhelms me. He shadows me every where and between him and my 3 Basset Hounds I can't even pee without company.
I know each of you understand what I am saying . thank you
Machonnold, It is so much harder when our spouse is such a sweetie. Mine is the same as yours..and I echo every thing you say..it is hard with no sounding board, no support no nothing like it was.
I know exactly the pain and frustration you feel. My wounds are so deep right now I just had to leave my husband ten years my senior. I tried everything to get my husband the help he needed and he wouldn't cooperate. His doctor refused to write me a referral for the neurologist or believe my husband was showing signs of AZ. My husband is still a millionaire I am staying in a hotel room with my little dog, my clothes, make up and a few other belongings. I tried to help my husband get his finances in order and get him proper medical care instead I ended up loosing everything I had when we got married my house, and all my belongings it took me a lifetime to collect. 47 years old and wiped out so depressing. My daughters have been so supportive my last night in the house my 23 year old was staying for Christmas and my husband had one of his episodes of anger and confusion she was so scared she had 911 typed into her phone ready to push send. If I had it to do over again as soon as I noticed something was wrong I would have hired myself a great attorney from the big city not the small town I lived in. So sad miss my husband so much worry about him going to force myself to get a job right away so I don't have to go into the battered women's shelter. Would break my heart to have to sit in group and talk bad about my husband, not quite the same thing as the other women are experiencing.
sweetsu. i think you are new. welcome to the group. so sorry to hear this terrible news of having to leave the spouse but sometimes we have no choice. if you are in a community property state you have recourse. if not even so a good atty will get you some maintenance funds - spousal support or alimony. depends on how many years you were married. if you feel you didnt get a fair shake in the divisions of property get new input from another atty. many do not charge for a consulation. i hope you find a job soon. you are not alone, stay in touch! divvi
sweetsu another welcome. Try the Alz. Assoc for help 24/7 Helpline Contact us for information, referral and support. tel: 1.800.272.3900 tdd: 1.866.403.3073 e-mail: info@alz.org
Yes got a caseworker from them she was great. Just not a good situation when they become physically agressive. His foot has been infected for months and he won't go to doctor for it he has diabetes so not good so worried about him not getting proper medical attention everything is so confusing for him without me there to help him my caseworker from Alz. assoc. and the police officer that came to our house several times insisted I go. Even if I end up in a shelter. Still love him and having a real hard time. There was a period when he admitted something was seriously wrong and let me take over the finances but he continued to drive and I will not miss being a passenger in the car driving the wrong way on roads, almost getting on the offramp to the freeway etc.. He said so many cruel things when he got in a confused state, he just isn't making since anymore. Not safe but still so very hard to leave for good. He will always be the love of my life. Must find the courage to believe in myself and let go. Just very hard it has been so long since I have taken care of myself I am addicted to constantly taking care of him and thinking about him. Just force myself to push forward I think I will look for a new attorney. When I found out my husband's business partner had embezzled money I cut him off and the same man was involved in stealing money from the sale of my house. I would never live in a small town again so help me God hard enough having a sick husband without all the corruption and ignorant gossip. I never realized how lucky I was growing up the way I did. You know my Mom was a speech pathologist and she had so much love for her AZ patients and their families. Didn't realize how blessed I was growing up with a mom that had that much caring for strangers with AZ til I have been through so much myself. Even my caseworker has been great helping me to face my reality and let go.
Sweetsu.....your caseworker needs to get you to the right place to get your husband in a safe environment for his own wellbeing and that of the general population. He should not be driving.....he could kill himself or wipe out a family. I am amazed that the police and someone from the Alzheimer Association are allowing this to happen. If he gets proper medical attention and the right meds his mood could mellow out and you could continue to care for him. I hope you can find someone who will give you the kind of help you need.
sweetsu sounds like your husband can be involuntarily admitted to a psych hospital as he is a danger to himself. Are you familiar with the Baker Act? Don't know what state you live in-but you can google it. I assume you took your lap top.
i agree with bluedaze that with him not able to care for himself and his medical needs and a danger driving you can look into involuntary admittance into a psych care unit for evaluation. and get your daughter the one with the 911 on speed dial to support you with it. she is a witness to his rages. once hes admitted they will iron out medications and like sandi says you may then be able to continue his care if hes compliant and on behavioural medications. you are not the only one who has had to walk these lines and hard decisionmakings with spouses who are not agreeable.
Welcome to my website. I agree with the advice everyone has given. It sounds like your husband is a danger to himself and others, and needs to be placed in a psych ward for evaluation. Absolutely. Please call the Alzheimer's Association - 1-800-272-3900, and explain what you have told us - about the diabetes, violence, and driving, and ask for immediate help.
I started this site in 2007, because I needed a place that dealt with my unique issues as a spouse of an Alzheimer patient. It is now a place of comfort for spouses/partners who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife/partner. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse/partner with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse/partner.
The message boards are only part of this website. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read all of the resources on the left side. I recommend starting with "Newly Diagnosed/New Member" and "Understanding the Dementia Experience".
Do not miss the "previous blog" section. It is there you will find a huge array of topics with which you can relate. There is a "search" feature on the home page that allows you to look up different topics that may have been explored in a previous blog. Log onto the home page daily for new blogs; news updates; important information.
Well my husband texted he's ready to go into hospital so I called the large hospital to get a psych eval for him they said Alzheimer's/Dementia is a medical condition not a psychiatric condition and they cannot hold him for two days for evaluation he has to go to his family doctor then neurologist, neurologist won't see him til he gets a referral from his family doctor. His family doctor we saw four months ago wanted to write him a referral to a psycologist says it might be bipolar disease. I asked isn't it a psychiatrist that diagnosis psychiatric conditions and psycologists give therapy. Some days he can't remember my name, he gets lost while driving in a small town he has lived in 57 years, is barely functioning this doctor sees him 5 minutes twice a year unbelievable. Without the support of a family doctor and local sheriff it is bad. The social worker at the hospital says I need to call APS and my husband missed his cataract surgery yesterday because I wasn't there to drive him and remind him. Was told by law enforcement officer today until he actually hurts someone very little they can do. I'll get him an appointment asap. I texted my husband today if he does not cooperate he can let his only daughter who's a meth addict and married to a repeat criminal take care of him, I am done.He will be APS' problem.
You might just want to call another neuro on your own. I don't know how many there are in your area, but where I live when we moved here I just picked a new neuro out of the phone book and got an appt. without any referral. And, I am very pleased with the care he is giving my dh.
sweetsu--for the sake of clarity, the best type of doctor to give a diagnosis for dementia is probably a neuropsychiatrist. A "regular" psychiatrist can make a dx for psych conditions, as you said, but AD and the other dementia-causing illnesses are medical conditions. My husband saw a psychologist pre-dx and it was she who convinced him to get his memory tested and she recommended a good Memory Clinic. So seeing a psychologist might have some merit, but it's a extra step that you don't need if you can find a good neurologist or neuropsychiatrist on your own.