*sigh* I've had another tough night. Just when I think things are on an even keel with John's nature (Seraquel has done a major thing for his nastiness toward me), I get a mule kick square in the back of my head out of nowhere. I already talked on another thread about this late late last night (or, rather in the wee hours of the morning. Can't wait for neurologists's appointment in the next couple of months). This morning, I woke up from being on the couch all night, with the sound of John screaming from the bed upstairs. "HEEELP me, HELP!". When I got there to see what was the matter, he was cursing and looked at me odd and said he didn't know where he was or how he got there. Tried, in a calm voice, to answer his questions and told him how he treated me last night, things he was saying again. He said I was dreaming. Me. What IS this thing that he does when he suddenly becomes "Mr. Hyde" out of nowhere???? Is this normal? I have no love for him anymore and I'm trying to have patience and be the best 'caregiver' I can. Sometimes, I don't care at all, but go through all the motions. Venting, blowing off some steam and the pressure here, I think. Everyone gets tired of hearing the same old same old, I know. Guess church is out for me for yet another Sunday. Don't want to go try to get John out of bed, anyway. Don't want to mess with him. I'm going to go fix a plate of food and quietly leave it by the bed and go outdoors for a while and enjoy the mild weather. It will be interesting to find out if he even knows who I am this morning. The other note related to the name of this new thread......May/December marriages. I've met several people here who are twenty or more years apart as a couple. John is 80, I'm 54. I'd like to see if anyone will post here and let me know their age differences. Not really belly-aching about the age difference between us....I feel especiallly bad for the people here who are more or less the same age who have an EOAD dx and have young children at home and few options. If you DO choose to let me know who you are, how has AD affected your feelings now? I have no love here. Only obligation and duty. I took John out of a nursing home in Florida and now have him home. I know he's getting better care and looks better. Know he gets better nutrition, an exercise program provided by the hospital staff and care for his general hygeine. I just wonder how long this will last. Sometimes I'm so left out and lonely because I AM so young and young at heart. It's just hard to live with someone who will right up tell you he has no goals, no interests, and would rather just die. I'm very very lonely. Reading posts, I see that many of you do the same stuff I do to escape into yourself even for a moment, away from the "abandonment". Last night, after being told (once again) that he knows I've become a whore, I told myself I hate this ugly, unkind, foul-mouth human being. But, I'll keep going because I felt that when I brought him home, its what my concience told me I SHOULD do. So, where are the rest of the May/December spouses???? I know that me and three or four others aren't the only ones here. And, did you ever , as a couple discuss any "what if's" in regard to the age difference??? My John told me he never thought he'd live this long.
When I first started this site 2 years ago, there was a discussion topic about May/December marriages. New Realm's was one. She even started her own blog about it, inviting other May/December couples to post. It has come to my attention recently that since the death of her husband, she has shut down the blog.
I do believe we have many members who fit the category. Nikki is one for sure. Her husband is 76; she is 43. They have been together more than 20 years, but he is now in a NH, and she is having a very difficult time.
When one a woman is young (20's), they marry men 20 or 30 years older than themselves for a variety of reasons. Love is one of them. But a woman in her 20's is no where near finished growing and developing mentally and emotionally, and she has no clue what it will be like to be a 40 year old caring for a 70 year old. (Those ages are just examples).
So yes, May/December marriages definitely bring their own set of issues under any circumstances, but when dementia is involved..........................any of you May women want to contribute to this discussion?
I always was vulnerable to the attentions of older men. Even in school. My first husband was much older than I as is John. I've wondered why some women do this. I recognize NOW that a woman in her 20's is nowhere NEAR completion of her developement as a person (looking back on it, I doubt I was ready for marriage of ANY kind) to CONSIDER marrying someone 20+ years older! Wonder if there's been any kinds of social studies about this phenomenon. As for me, I wonder if it was a "Daddy" complex I had.....you know, looking for someone to "take care" of me as I always had. Someone established, seemingly able and more knowledgeable? Interesting. (know, however, that the men I chose were NOTHING like my kind, brilliant, ambitious and loving father!)
i am in this may category-17yrs difference-my last marriage was 26ys difference-my difference is i was fully aware of what the age differences would incur and willing to stil make that sacrifice of being the caregiver to an older spouse although i stilll am young at heart as well, AD or not when the time came. at 80yrs old they are likey to have health issues regardless of ad -the saying 'you make your bed, now lie in it' i think of alot of this metaphor, when i see the time is at hand.i made my choices early on and will stick to my convictions -for better or worse, its a tad late to be questioning your choices at this point. divvi
16 year difference here and we've been married 36 yrs. come December. The happiest times of my life - and now, of course, not the happiest. I wouldn't do anything differently. We have had a good life, enjoyed each other and our respective families, loved deeply. I knew when we married that the possibility existed that I would have to "take care" of him at some point - just never considered AD. But I'm in for the long haul and whatever it brings. I wouldn't trade him for anyone else! He is 86 now and in relatively good health except the AD, but I still hope he will go with something else rather than AD. Age differences are in the eyes of the beholders and I'm happy with my decisions I made many years ago.
My own dauther married a man that was one year older than me! Imagine that scenario. I do believe that the fact that I had been a single mother since she was twelve had something to do with it. He was a very kind, loving and generous man. I know he adored my daughter. They were married for 24 years and then she asked for a divorce, for all the obvious reasons. By then, he was in his 60's and she was just in her 40's. The children were teen agers and 'out of the house', and, I believe, she looked across the table at him one day and saw an old man sitting there. That was about eight years ago, and she has since remarried to a man her age and she's very happy. I still love my 'former' son in law with all my heart. Just wish she had listened to me when she first began her relationship with him. .... "I told her so!!!!"....(I never said those words, of course!!)
Ten years difference here.......Husband is 62 and I'm 52. I've never really thought much about the age difference.........except that I always had date older men.........Seemed to have more in common with them, for some reason.
That being said, we all know that Alzheimer's can develop at any age. My husband has had symptoms since he was 50. If I had know this was going to happen would I have married him????? Of course I would have. Heck, we could have been the same age. It is especially difficult when you still have young children, but we will somehow, survive....I hope.----I'm still trying to learn that taking care of him should not kill me first though........(as I've been complaining elsewhere)
I don't know......It is just a disease that no one understands, unless you are going through it.
Ann
Just realized that maybe I'm in a bad mood because I'm having chills....Maybe I'm actually ill????? Imagine that one!
Some women do marry older men looking for a 'father' figure. But, then many women marry men 'just like dad' to make sure they don't loose dad.
My mom was 21 years younger than my dad and it was a horrible marriage. On top of the age difference and having nothing in common, he was an alcoholic when they married. He stopped but became a 'dry alcoholic' which is just as bad. To his credit he was a hard worker, provided for the family but was a mean SOB. HE had 2, she had 2, they had 5 kids. His first daughter and me were his targets - beat the crap out of both of us physically and verbally. Only difference he was drunk alcoholic with her and a dry alcoholic with me.
ON the other hand, my best friend in high schools parents had the same age difference. They always reminded me of two love sick teenagers - they were in love even after so many years and adored each other. That is they type of relationship many of you seem to have and I am so happy for you.
Age is sometimes only a number. 50 years ago my husband were looking for our first apartment. We were taken for father and daughter even though he is only 3 years older than I am.
We're not really May-December. There's a 9 year different. I'm 58, DH is 67. I wonder if any of you all feel this though. I feel OLDER because of his age and have for some time as though I've had 9 years added to my age. Even before the diagnosis but especially now as he often reminds me of my grandfather. A couple years ago he found the real age site on the internet, took their online test and did very well. He persuaded me to take it which I finally did and learned I tested in my early 80s! Interesting that the test questions include whether or not you are a caregiver for someone. I was in the best shape of my life in 2006 so it doesn't take long for a downward spiral to have its effect.
Yes,..I am in a May-December marrage. I am 45 and he is 83. Whooo...I said it. There was a lot of "to do" around our marrage. It was said it wouldn't last 6 months, it will be 26 years July 1st. I wasn't looking for a dad figure, I just wanted someone to love me, you know, really LOVE me. He was such a gentleman and really teander hearted. I was an unhappy 19 year old who was about at the end of my rope. He had just gone through a very nasty divorce and we just sort of fell for eachother. We have had a very happy marrage. He mentored me to become the person I am today. He encouraged me that I can when in the past I had been told that I can't. He taught me to be independent so that I could take care of myself when the time came that I would have to. He spoiled me rotten. It's now my turn to give back, ever how small it may be, to him the care and devotion that he had once given me.
I'm crying now as I type this because the love of my life is slowly being taken away from me.
I think you win, Gail. 38 years difference is quite a difference. You proved it wasn't age that matters when true love is in your heart. I know how hard all of this is. Liza Gibbons refers to AD as 'death in slow motion'. I think that is a very good description of this ugly disease.
My dh is 79, and I am 69. I, too, was taken to be his daughter when we first married. Before him, I dated a man 22 years my senior. My first marriage was so bad, that I was susceptible to a good line from an older man who knew what to say to influence me. I was desparate to have a man love me, to show me that I was okay. My first husband was very abusive (as is my current one). I was 6 months older than him. So I went for the older man, after that miserable 22 year first marriage. I'm here to tell you, wow, have I ever gotten more wise!!
I'm so unhappy to say that both of marriages were unhappy. I stuck with this one for 27 years, though. I have some memories of good times, but he was very controling. I left everything up to him. I could have been so much happier, perhaps with a real family and friends if I had just waited and taken care of my lilttle boy when I was so lonely and "in repair" from my first divorce. Wish I could say I have what you all express to have. Hanging On, I'd say we have something in common. And, some days through all this, I'm so resentful. He has it in his mind this weekend that I've been out "turning tricks" ..... I've been out in the yard and checking in on him frequently. I hate living like this. Doing what I can. Sucks, big time. I'll be okay, as will you, one day soon. Not now, but soon.
My husband and I are nine years apart. We've been together for over 30 years. Up until this horrible disease (FTD) we were very happy. He could always make me laugh even when I was angry at him---used to drive me nuts that I couldn't stay angry with him. Now he has no sense of humor, takes everything literally and is like a toddler in many respects. I sure do miss the real him............
My husband and I have 23 years between us (he's 74 and I am 51). We have been together for 26 years. Even though the last few have been hard, I still wouldn't trade in all the happiness we shared because of that. People tell me that I am the love of his life. They also tell me that I have gotten him to do more than anyone else did or could. This is still true now, if they are having a problem with him in the facility, I can usually get him to do what is needed.
I never thought of him as old until the last couple of years where AD has taken so much from him. Before that he still walked with a bounce in his step and had a very active mind.
I have always preferred older people (male and female). My interests were much more in line with them than my own age group.
He was always somewhat controlling but if it was something that I felt strongly about, I could put my foot down and he would listen and make changes. I've been told that I am the only one that has ever been able to get him to change his mind on something once he dug in on an idea.
Here is the other side of the road for you gals, I am 68 and my DW is eight years older that I am. Yep, I was captured by a Cougar. We have been very happily married for 30 years, AD finally destroyed our marriage. My DW was a very attractive lady who was very young looking for her age and was a hoot to be with, we were always each others best friends and enjoyed each others company and life together. I don't know what I was looking for, but whatever it was she had it all. It was love at first sight for both of us. Throughout our marriage people have always remarked about how happy we were. I never thought of her as old, until the last 18 months when I finally realized her overall health was seriously deteriorating and something else would probably take her before she reaches the end of the AD journey.
Like Stuntgirl I have been subjected to all of the verbal and mental abuse about my affairs, all of the yelling, screaming and control games that go along with AD. It has been a very difficult journey, Finally I am beginning to get somewhat of a grip on my life again. It isn't the same, but I would like to move on from the grasp of AD. I will see to it that she is taken care of.
I don't know what the future holds, but I know I would like to find me a special lady friend. Maybe it's too early, but I'm ready to move on, if and when I find her, she will be at least a few years younger than I am.
Disease knows no age. Being with a younger woman is no guarantee against AD or any other terminal disease.
I had a friend whose parents were divorced. Her mother then married a man 18 years younger than she. He was in his 20's. As you can imagine, NO ONE gave the marriage a chance, and everyone warned him that he would be taking care of an old lady when he was in the prime of his life. They had a fantastic marriage of over 20 years, and guess what? He developed pancreatic cancer, and she cared for him until his death. He was 49 years old. She was absolutely devastated.
Shoot, no one is promised tomorrow. I didn't wake up one morning and say, "Gee I think I will go marry and older man." An other lady in our church married around the same time we did and her husband was only 20 and she was 18. He was killed in a car crash 2 years latter.
Like Therrja, I just seemed to have more in common with older people than my own age group. My DH was always young at heart and he still looks much younger than he really is. Age is just a number to me. {Sorry didn't mean to be making a speach. I"ll get off my soap box now. :-) }
There is a 35 year age difference between Lynn and I. He is 77, I am 42. As Joan said, I am having an extremely difficult time having to place Lynn in a nursing home. Finally, he has adjusted very well, much better than I ever dreamed in fact. Me, not so much.
Just my two cents. Lynn has been the love of my life. But, I will say, at 18.. I had no clue about what my future would hold. Oh I knew he was older and could have health problems. But, not in my worst nightmare could I have dreamt up the hell we are living. If I knew then, what I know now... even on my very worst day, I would still do it all over again.
My husband and I are 19 years apart. When we decided to get married he asked me if I have a problem with the age difference and I honestly said "No" because I don't see what the problem is, it is just a number. We have a lot in common even though we are so many years apart in age. I feel like I was born 20 years to late anyway. But...it has had it's problems and the dementia is one of them. But at the same time I am glad that I am 19 years younger than him because I don't think I could have taken care of him if I were the same age. I have a lot of physical problems myself and have for a long time. As far as how I feel about him. I still love him a lot but it is different than it was at first. I am not sure how to explain it but I am not perfect and it would be nice if things were like they were when we were dating but that won't happen and I guess I am trying to adjust to it so...to answer your question yes, I do love him but it isn't the same way that it use to be.
((Deb)) I think any of us who have dealt with this devasting disease for any length of time understand exactly what you are saying. You still carry the love for them in your heart. But the "in love" feelings die out. I use to feel so guilty about this. Not anymore. It is only natural that those feelings start to fade as the disease progresses and you watch your loved one slip further and further away from who they were, and who you fell in love with.
I still love Lynn. I always, always will. Now though, I am in love with the ghost of who he once was. Tragic... *sigh
You have said what I feel and you always do it so well. Yesterday was our 35 Wedding Anniversary and the day started out bringing him back to the NH from the hospital because of major dehydration and renal failure but he is doing better physically (not sure if that if a blessing at this point). I asked him what kind of food I should go get for our anniversary and he wanted pizza. Knowing I was going to bring food to the NH I told the charge nurse to cancel his supper tray and I left to get the pizza well well well. The kitchen had not stopped his tray and there he was about to eat his supper and had totally forgotten that we had agreed to eat pizza in his room. So I got him by the hand and led him to his room where the pizza was waiting. Happy Anniversary I said to him as he impatiently waited for me to cut up his first slice, he looked at the pizza and didn't say a word just looked at me cutting. With that I gave him a slice and said again Happy Anniversary but it didn't register. So there he sat shoveling in the food and me sitting there crying. Yes I loved being married to a much older man (14yrs) but I don't think having hindsight that I would have changed our 35 yrs together. He always wants to tenderly kiss me and give me a smile so that is what I have to hold on to right now cause that will fade away too. I am taking today off and doing what I want to do and have a pity party all by myself. It has been easier dealing with the guilt of not being there every day to see to his needs. Love and hugs to you all for being in a May/December marriage but I would not trade mine even now.
((Jenene)) It is so hard isn't it? My first instinct is to wish you a Happy Anniversary, but I know it wasn't. From experience, I know it never will be again. So instead I will wish you a happy day today, enjoy your day! Pamper yourself :)
Its the little things now that mean so much...memories, glimpses of what use to be. Some how, some way, it has to be enough to sustain our broken hearts.
I am with you, as hard as this is, I want to hold onto the shell of who he once was for as long as possible. Conflicting emotions isn't it. You want their pain to end, but you want to hang on for all you are worth.
I am happy for you that you still get a tender kiss and a smile. Such simple things, yet such a gift. ((Hugs))
My first husband was 10 years older and died suddenly at 58 from a heart attack. My DH now is also 10 years older but always seemed younger. He still seems young when it comes to dancing. That's the only thing he seems to remember. The rest of the time he's like a two year old. Oh, and he can still give me the best back rubs. LOL
My husband is 73 and I am 52. We met and were married 5 years ago and he started having obvious problems within the first year of our marriage. How is that for unfair? This sweet caring man who promised to provide for me and make up for all the years of my unhappy first marriage soon turned into my worst nightmare. One year of happiness in marriage is not much to base who knows how many more miserable years of "slow motion death" on. I knew that he would most likely have issues of age that I would deal with but I never imagined he wouldn't be him. I live with a stranger now so it's difficult to have those same love feelings for a stranger in my husbands body. Still, who of us can say it won't be us at some point needing someone to love us although we are no longer ourselves. I hope Karma is real and I can be good enough to my husband no matter what nastiness he goes through that I will deserve someones love and care.
((jules)) I can't imagine trying to cope with all these years trapped in AD hell without the foundation of the strong love Lynn and I had for so many years before the disease struck. 1 year of happiness, my heart aches for you.
We all deserve someone’s love and care. I sort of believe in karma. But I don't believe one is punished for doing the best they are able. I know there are things I wish I had done different. I don't beat myself up though, I know I did the best I could at that time. That’s all any of us can do.
so true, having only one year of marriage under your belt!then being assaulted by a diagnosis of this disease - well it is about as devastating as it gets. no time to do or learn from each other and develope the lasting bonds. i agree with nikki- without the true love i feel for mine- i dont see how i could manage all these years. its the true test of endurance over time and marriage ties. divvi
Thanks for the understanding thoughts Nikki and Divvi. ONe gets very low and it is surprising how just a simple comment from someone who knows and shares those heart aches can bring you to tears. In a good way, mind you, as a cry is as theraputic as a good laugh sometimes. A release of pent up emotion. I still count myself as lucky in the big picture as my blessings far out weigh the negative aspects of my life. I wish the same for you all.
My husband is 81. I'm 54. We've been together 36 years. The only time the age difference has been a problem is now. There is only one way out of this problem and that is death.
My husband is 86, I'm 66, 20 yrs difference. but noone ever noticed, he was very young looking and thinking, a wonderful father for my 2 children from my first marriage. (who was my age). We've been together 38 yrs, married for 32 of them, and the happiest years of my life.
DH is 86, I'm 70. Been married 36 years on 12/23. Best years of my life too,Chris. His first wife had MS and he took care of her for several years before having to place her, where she died. He was a wonderful caregiver from what I have heard and I only hope I can be the same to him now.
Chris, my husband was 21 years older than me and like you, never one ever noticed since he was also young acting and looking. He also raised my two children and was a wonderful father to them. Our daughter said at his memorial service, that he was the only father she had ever known and she was a "Daddy's girl".
He had never been married, a "confirmed batchelor" and was 48 years old when he took on a wife, a 6 year old and a 20 month old. We had 38 wonderful years together and they were the best years of my life. He has been gone 9-1/2 months now. We miss him very much but know he is at peace and in a much better place.
Well, StuntGirl and all the rest. I am 37, and DH is 55. My father was placing bets on our wedding day that it wouldn't last 10 yrs. We sure proved him wrong. Lasted 12. Well, I guess he was right after all.....in retrospect, diagnosis was after about 10 yrs of marriage. Guess I should pay up.
I hear many of your comments.....one of my faves (because its so true) is 'he was much younger looking, and *acting*' (LOL) isn't that the truth!!!! I think, even with 18 yrs difference in our chronological age, we were right about even mentally and emotionally.
I have gotten a few 'well, that's what you get for marrying an older man' comments, when people know about the AD. How hurtful! Like anyone was expecting AD in their early 50's??????
I must say....this has been a(nother) tough few days for me. I am now mourning the (complete) loss of intimacy. I know it's been coming for a while, but now, it's just gone. Completely gone. No more pillow talk, no more cuddling, an occasional hug or peck on the lips, but I'm talking about that deep connection, that only a husband and wife who are truly committed to each other forever have. Gone. Kept trying to get it back, but someone finally told me to quit trying....which is sound advice, because it's never coming back, and why keep beating my head against the proverbial brick wall? and I'm sad......tears on free-flow sad.
So, once again in this looooooooooooong goodbye (which I now think should also be called the many goodbyes) I am saying goodbye to another aspect of our relationship. SIGH and so many more to come.
Well, gotta pick myself up, dust myself off, and go get the kids up for school.
Thanks for listening, and for understanding, as I know each and everyone of you do.
And, that sucks, too. I wish we all didn't have to go through this. Just glad we don't have to go it completely alone.
The loss of intimacy for me is the hardest to take right now. There is a 9 year difference between us (I'm 51, he's 60) and we've been married almost 31 years. Up until the FTD took his emotions (that's the way is seems to me), he was a loving, funny man.
We lost that aspect early on in this road trip. I thought I simply could not live the rest of my life with no affection of any sort, but guess what? It would seem I can, not happily for sure, but I'm still standing for now. For nearly 45 years, I couldn't walk by G without his touching, hugging or giving a quick kiss..now zilch either direction.
There is 16 years difference in our ages, but I still can't walk by him without him reaching up to kiss or hug me and he tells me he loves me at least 10 times a day! What a great guy he has been for the 36 years we have been married. I just hope I can hold out to take care of him as he progresses.
I do feel so badly for you younger ones. It does suck~!
I am 55 and Sandra is 63. I am lucky in that she has never shown any aggression. She is just getting simple minded and easy going for the most part. You always appreciate what you don't have once you do not have it any longer. We know what we are going to loose, we just need to be thank for what we have today the small things we will loose in the comming year.
I am not in a May/December marriage - in fact we are only 1 year a part in age. It goes to show you that you just don't know what lies ahead in the future. I never thought I would be dealing with dementia (FTD) in our mid 50's or at all. But I am and his disease was a complete shock to me. We have 28 years together - 25 of them as spouses. I wouldn't trade them or him but whatever the ages, dealing with the disease, behaviors and loss of the person you love is devastating. He no longer remembers any of our years together - not where we met and married, where we worked, where we traveled, etc. I live with a man I love very much and who I believe loves me but we no longer have a life of shared memories. I truly believe age doesn't matter.
I agree, my wife and I are also 1 year apart and have been married 35 years. (she 56 me 55). If anyone told me this is how we will end I wouldn't believe you. I am also living with my DW but am alone. No one to remanise, share stories, travel or even sit and have a coffee and snuggle. I have to do every thing for her, bath, dress, hair, cut her food ect., but I do it happily and proudly just knowing she is still with me.
Oh, how horrible it must be to face this awful disease at such a young age. we 've been married only 32 yrs, but at least I had some idea that someday I might be alone. I didn't realize what alone might mean. My heart goes out to all those young people who must deal with this dreadful disease.
My DH is 17 years older than I am. He never looked his age until he had that Lacuna Stroke nearly 2 years ago.He was always so active and very very strong. He was an athlete and an attack pilot during Viet Nam, retired from the Marine Corps. He was a picture post card Marine IMHO. He is still handsome and distinguished looking and this AD makes me angry for him not at him. If I had to do it all over again I would still marry this terrific man. He is generous, kind and thoughtful always of others and has always gone out of is way to help others or try to make life easier for them at the expense to himself. Guess that is the Eagle Scout in him. Now he has this miserable disease and I see dramatic changes in his level of activity. It is like his get up and go got up and went. He is ever thankful for all I do for him and I hope he remains in this frame of behaviour, good natured. Fingers crossed...
You just never know. My mother and father were 2 years apart in age, and she died at age 49. He remarried when he was 59 to a woman who was 49. Now at almost 92, HE is the sharp minded one, and she, at 82, is confined to a wheelchair, unable to speak or feed herself due to a massive stroke. All these years, we always figured it would be the other way around.
I had a friend whose divorced mother scandalized the entire family by marrying a 24 year old man (boy?) when she was in her 40's. They had a fabulous love affair of a marriage, and he died of pancreatic cancer at the age of 49, just after they celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. She was devastated - could never have imagined that he would be the one to go first.