For the first time in a couple of years, I feel JUST FINE today, considering I have an ALZ spouse. I'm even backing off of my antidepressants over the past week or two (might be why I feel a little wee bit depressed and not willing to do anything but laundry and sleep later...or maybe its just the stress I'm dealing with lately, like everyone else but my own specific variety). Yesterday I experienced a defining and affirming time when I went to my elderlaw attorney. I left his office with confidence I hadn't felt in some time. Told me what I've been doing in paying off my farm, having things in my name only, etc, were all good. John went along with me and was cordial, attentive and cooperative (whew). So many questions answered....no, there's not a lot left in the pot, but I'm NOT going to have to live at the YWCA or sell my farm. I DO have to be back at work in my studio, so HAVE to find the energy and confidence to do this. When I got home yesterday from that experience, I put John on the couch for a nap (we had had McDonald's on the way home) and went outside to run around on my tractor. Put herbicide on my training arena, continuing my efforts to refurbish it for a pony club event later in the summer. You know something? It gave me an opportunity to do some thinking I hadn't allowed myself to do in a long, long time. I noticed how marvelous the birds that soar in the air are...flight, what a miracle. I saw the bunnies running all around and called out to them "hey, it's moving day!" when I was bushhogging. The sky was so blue and the clouds' movement mezmerizing. Smells were so much more vivid and the work I was doing didn't seem so bland and hard. I thought my singing voice (accompanied by the drone and vibration of my tractor) wasn't all that bad, after all. I noticed the bluebirds again that love to sit on the fence line. When I pressed my face into the neck of one of my ponies, the equine aroma was a perfume. And thier coats.....so silky and dappled with health! Nosed by fuzzy muzzles. I found I had energy and was thankful of my body's strength and health....need to work on endurance. Didn't feel so alone anymore. I realize that I'm in for a long journey here with John. I don't know what the future will bring and how I will handle it at times or how long this will last. I AM grateful for my friends here on this site. You've all been so supportive and caring.....strangers to me, really, but I feel like you're my family. Just wanted to tell you this. And say thank you. Love, Jen
Jen, I am so happy for you. Today is definitely a good day for you! Thank you for letting us know!! We're still praying for success on the other front!
Jen, you sound great and I'm very happy for you! - please don't back off your meds, though. You have told us many times that you're bipolar. You're smart enough to realize you are on a high now and to know that another low will eventually come and that the meds even them out.. You are very talented woman. Don't believe your "manic" self that says your "depressed" self won't return even if you drop your meds. I've observed this first-hand. Please be careful, even now!!
Good for you, Jen. I'm so happy you are happy! But....don't back down on your meds. If you need them, you need them. I do hope you and John have a great day today and more days to come.
I know that going on and off anti depressants isn't a good thing. They work to replace Serotonins and other chemicals in the brain and when they are working, all is well. We tend to think "WE" made ourselves better. It takes several weeks to get them up to the proper level to replace chemicals in the brain..and going on and off of them at will will make those levels dip and rise to an unhealthy level. We cannot always understand what they are doing in our blood stream - because we are not drug research scientists - Hold everything on the prescribed levels unless directed by your doctor. I'm sooooo proud of all you've done lately. Let's keep it together. Love..love..
Oh, I could kiss that attorney. How wonderful that he backed up what you have done. And I read in another thread that his doctor is impressed by his improvement as well. If the caseworker shows up, send her to that doctor and that attorney. It should pretty much close that case down.
You fought to get to where you were today. Good for you.
What you've written is really beautiful, it was a joy to read.
I don't know from bi-polar, etc, but I'll echo what the others say, keep on the meds. It's like taking antibiotics--the script says to take them ALL, even when you are feeling better. We know very little about our body chemistry, but keeping it in balance, as best we know how, is paramount. Always give yourself the best chance.
Dear Jen, Carosi wrote these perfect words to Texas Joe...and they were worthy of copying to this post for your attention as well! Read and heed. I truly care about you and want you to stay well.
Carol wrote to Texas Joe: "..............take this from a caregiver who's been there and done that, for a looong time too. The antidepressant will level out the brain chemistry so you can function and start doing things to make your situation better. The med won't take away the stress or the loneliness. What it will do is get you off the the roller coaster ride into the abyss. You'll be able to handle the glitches that send you spiralling now and you'll be able to plan and arrange changes like maybe some respite care, or in-home help to relive the load and give yourself some "you" time".
Can you see yourself in this picture. You took your meds and were able to step off the rollercoaster and then you were able to cope. Even your writings sound different these days, I'm sure everyone will agree.
stuntgirl, your outlook is much improved and things seem to be on an upturn. the meds need to be taken as prescribed and not self dosed as 'needed'. like briegull said, you need to maintain that high you have with a constant dosing. glad you are seeing a better day. divvi
People who are bipolar need meds other than antidepressants. Is that all you are taking? I KNOW, I have a relative who is bipolar. Antidepressants are not what is typically prescribed for the bipolar condition.
I've also had to take large doses of Lithium, but because of the effects it has on me (shaking my hands) I can't take it. My bio-polar disorder is minimum, thank God, not at all like my daughter experiences. I am in the hands of my docs. Thanks! I'm being VERY careful.
You say it's minimum, my dear, but if you read back over the posts you've made over time you've certainly had ups and downs and ups and downs.. I know a lot of it was because you were dealing with John, but please believe us, you need the meds. I'm glad you're being careful.
Holding on to all the ropes I feel everyone sending me.....I realize I'm very volitile, unsteady and vulnerable right now. The situation seems so ELASTIC lately. Yes, Many ups and downs. I DO have to be careful when I'm feeling too good to be true, for instance, not to be tempted to NOT MEDICATE. I'd LOVE to be able to be med-free ONE DAY.
Being happy, and being where you need to be, and having John with you, and having your home make "not being able to be med-free one day" worth it. Hang in there!
There are now other medications for manic depression/bipolar disorder. Lithium used to be the only one. If you can't tolerate lithium, you could try one of the newer ones. I find it a bit disturbing that you are bipolar & now I discover that your daughter is too, and instead of having empathy for her, you told her to consider herself an orphan. You are fortunate to have parents who support you, both financially and emotionally. Who does your daughter have?
I say ditto to briegull's post. I've never heard of a "minimum" bipolar disorder. Are you kidding? You have admitted above that you took LOTS of Lithium, and it is doubtful and physician would prescribe "lots of Lithium" for a "minimum bipolar disorder." Like the Alzheimer's patient who thinks he/she is "fine", many with the bipolar disorder can't see the extent/degree of their disorder. Many with the disorder try to avoid taking the meds, because they don't want to lose the highs. I don't think you have been totally honest here....you said you were taking medication for the bipolar disorder (which would NOT be anti-depressants only) and that you didn't miss the "highs." Well, I guess not, since you are not being medicated for them. Drugs like Prozac need to be taken for a short time only, and under careful supervision of a psychiatrist, because they can trigger manic episodes.
I think with all the stress you are under, it would be a good time to investigate the new drugs with a psychiatrist. They would be the only ones to be able to medicate you correctly. And why would you try cutting back at a time like this? You tried cutting back before you saw your elder law attorney, when you claimed your life was a mess, according to you. That makes no sense whatsoever.
Jen, who in your family is bipolar, mother, father, grandparents? As you know, it is a hereditary disorder, and it seems you have passed it along to your daughter, from your description.
psychiatrist. my father is probably bi-polar. I'm under good care. My daughter has me if she ever desires to open communication. I'm not an animal. I've left the door open for her and leave frequent messages for her on her father's condition, my love for her after all. don't worrry.