Last week my husband’s aide came for the first time. She will be coming in twice a week, for three hours each time. Monday I left her here with DH, so that I could run errands that I felt couldn’t wait.
Does anyone else have a hard time having a stranger in their home? Does it bother you to leave your spouse with someone you barely know? We don’t have any children, so I have no experience in leaving children with a babysitter. That’s almost what this feels like. Right now DH is well enough that he could tell me if anything bad happened while I was gone. But still, it just seems strange to have a total stranger ring your doorbell, and then they’re in your house and several days later you leave them to care for your husband, and you’re out the door.
I’m also telling myself that I shouldn’t really be to this point yet—I should still be doing everything. But I started the process and paperwork on this last November, so it’s been a long time that I thought we needed help. (And evidently our council on aging agreed, because they are funding it.) I was looking forward to being able to get things done on a regular basis. Can’t really call it respite, because it’s me frantically running to the drug store, the post office, the grocery store, etc. But it got to the point that we didn’t leave the house sometimes for a couple of weeks at a time, and you do run out of things when you can’t ever leave.
When the lady from the home-care agency came to our home for the last appraisal before assigning an aide, I told her that I was really glad to be getting the help, but it wasn’t exactly a red-letter day in our home. Just sort of another sad step in a direction we didn’t want to go. So maybe some of this angst is a little grief from knowing that things are progressing, and wanting them not to be.
I’d sure appreciate some input from others of you who are using in-home care. Was it hard to get used to having someone else in your house? How long was it before you were comfortable leaving your spouse alone with them? Did you also feel that this was another step in a direction you didn’t want to be going?
Jan-my husband would not have ever tolerated a person in our house because that would have been admitting to having a problem. Insurance would have covered the cost. I think for you the pain is admitting that your husband is declining. That is so hard to accept.
Jan of course its hard to leave them with a stranger the first time. but you are dealing with a professional agency that screens their employees and does background checks etc ( most do but i am sure you asked?) to ensure the safety of our spouses. its just like anything new say a first day at a new job. anxiety and stress upon now knowing how to proceed and also how to BE ALONE during those hrs of respite. even if its runnng errands. we get so used to having our spouses with us it seems downright strange to have some me time:) usually they will have you sign a paper saying what they did with your spouse and what they accomplished while you were out so you know things are done for his care. if not on paper ask the aide to write down what she does for him, when he ate, bathroom, any house cleaning etc. you will know whats done when you see the list. same thing when we leave our children first time at daycare or 'school'. we are more anxious than them. it will soothe over quickly and i am sure jan you will be delighte dto have this free time alone and work in your own needs during this time. its a good thing. just relax and let someone else take over a few hrs of the caregiving for a bit. yes its moving on because you are aware that they cant be left alone which in turn affirms the progression -but its also a positive note as well because you can have some time to yourself which we so desperately need. relax! things are going to be ok! divvi and i have been using an agency for time out for over 2yrs now.
Jan K, I know what you mean. I feel very uncomfortable with a stranger in my home. So...I have been doing day care for DH for almost a year. Now DH is giving me a little trouble about day care and I am getting home care that thinks out of the box. They are taking him on journeys for the day, one or two days of the week. Like going to the farmer's market and selling blueberries, going to the Home Depot, Wal-Mart, the zoo, lunch, etc. Just activities to keep him stimulated and happy. Our LTC insurance will pay, as this is under the respite umbrella. I found that with my DH, I always have to think out of the box....M
I've been using an agency for over a year, and I'm quite comfortable with it NOW but was not at first. It certainly DOES take getting used to. Look back over some old threads - light housekeeping is included in the job! so after a couple of weeks of them getting used to him, start asking for vacuuming, kitchen clean up etc. Some take to it more than others.
Jan, I'm sure it is uncomfortable having a stranger in your home and leaving. I have been fortunate enough to have family members or friends for years to come here.
It would help relieve some of my stress if I locked up any money or other small valuables, jewelry etc. so I wouldn't have that to worry about. I had my lady this morning for 4 hours and I spent time last evening straightening up the house before the cleaner came. I think that is normal.
If you are using a Agency they will be bonded etc. and you review things with your dh, he is happy with her and use your gut instinct and try to enjoy your respite. I am sure you deserve it and don't feel bad about taking it. Some of the posters here have recommended cameras and I think that sounds like a good idea.
When the time comes that my DH can no longer go on outings, this agency will be able to care for him at home. He will be used to them and so will I. Good all around for me...M
Jan - I used an agency for about a year & in that time frame, had 2 different care-givers. I didn't like having someone in my home all the time, BUT, it was good for me to GET OUT and I used the time for errands and exercise class on some days. The caregivers would take my husband for walks in our neighborhood, and/or to the mall, but he got tired of the mall thing pretty quickly. He did enjoy the neighborhood walking though. I found that when I "stayed around" the house (which of course I wanted to do sometimes), I got "overly involved" in the caregiving, so I really wasn't getting a good "break" from it all that often. After about a year, I let them go for a "break" from the agency, and in the meantime, a local Alzheimer's home started doing "Day programs" and now I take him 3-days a week to that. The drive to/from is a bit much, but it does give me a FULL and COMPLETE break. Perhaps you'll find a balance in the situation and be able to "let go" more & more. YES, it was VERY stressful for me, emotionally, as I had to admit I could no longer "do it all", AND, that the decline was happening more & more and he could not be left alone. Same thing when I started the day program...but now it is a GOOD THING and I know it's good for him to be with others too. I hope it will work out well for you as the days go along...Take care!
I have had in-home help for almost 2 years, the past year it has been 9 hours a day, 5 days a week while I work. It WAS strange at first and my husband can't speak to tell me anything that happened. It was strange at first but my husband and the main aide (the one that is here 4 days a week) took quite a shine to each other. He may not be able to talk but back then he could still "react" and when he greeted her each morning with a big smile I knew she was doing something right. She did so much house work that I finally asked her to save the laundry and the dusting for me. I work at a desk all day and need to some physical exercise on the week-end. And yes, I do sign a paper daily that lists all the things she did and I sign agreeing that they were done. Even though he has progressed to the point that he will going into a facility the first of next week, I know that the aides were a life saver these past two years and I would not have been able to work and keep him at home this long if not for them.
Our person was wonderful. We still send her a card now and again. She handled Andrea beautifully, and it was amazing to have such peace of mind that if I couldn't be there, she was at home, safe, and secure. Very happy with it. yhc
Jan K--I know just how you feel--our aide started in April, and it hasn't been easy for me to get used to. She is here the five weekdays, 10 to 2. But after 2 years of no respite, and 2 1/2 more of daycare with problems, I think this will be a better alternative. BTW, I do stay home about one day a week, go upstairs to our home office, and do personal business, call friends or go online. The aide was surprised at first that I'd want to do that--I guess she's not used to it--but I think my husband forgets that I am here and as long as she is with him downstairs, he doesn't shadow me at all. Most unusual. I am appreciating the houskeeping chores and cooking she does as well.
Ask at the alz. association; or just let it be known you're looking for an agency. People who'd never acknowledge that a l.o. has dementia are quite willing to tell you about Aunt Agatha's person who kept her going the last few years. I think mine came from the guy who cuts/perms my hair every few months!
I am planning on going back to work once the job market picks up. I am think of having someone come in 3 Days a week. I am thinking a half a day. She sleeps till 8:00 or 9:00 and she takes a nap around 3:00 p.m so 10:00 am to 2:00 pm is what I'd like to find.
As Claude got worse, he flatly refused to have any strangers, even friends, in the house. So my respite time was limited to weekends when our daughter would take me shopping, for a haircut or out to lunch etc. She would also take time off work when I had a doctor's appt and couldn't bring him with me. Our son stayed with him the times I was gone.
After several falls, two of which resulted in ER visits, his PCP referred him to Home Health. I felt very uncomfortable with the first people they sent out. I couldn't tell you why, just a gut feeling. The agency was unhappy with me, but did change. Barbara, the RN and Delane, the Physical Therapist were wonderful. He related well with both of them, especially Delane, and so did I. I wasn't able to leave the house, but was able to do things without my "shadow".
By last Thanksgiving, he was under Hospice care and declining rapidly. By this time, both of us were fairly comfortable with having people in the house. Once in awhile, Keisha, the LPN, could get a smile and/or laugh out of him, that the rest of us couldn't :-) Melinda, the aide, was a wonder. When she told him it was time for a shower, he gave her no backtalk or problems and into the shower he went. I shaved him on one of the days she wasn't there. When I was thru, he looked at himself in the mirror and said, "it's okay but that other gal does a much better job":-).
Even if we could have afforded someone to come in, he wouldn't have stranger in the house. For the most part, I was okay with it as I am a homebody, and after I retired, except for my volunteer work at our church, I didn't go out much. My sister couldn't and still can't understand why I am confortable staying home. As the saying goes, "different strokes for different folks".
For us in-home help was a necessity we'd been doing without. After his hospitlzation and dx, it was a part of the services set up in order for hium to come home. At first 6 hrs. a week for him, latr upped to 9. We hit it lucky, the first gentleman sent settled right in. We discussed what he had to do nad what he could do and he went to work. During the week he has to help DH with showering,shampoo, cleasn his room, change the bed. Beyaond that he does dishes, cl;ean the Kitchen and bath, vacuums, mops and sweeps, does the grocery shopping with DH along for the trip, and other miscellanmeoud things. I hvce to have ertain things stored where I can get them--not where they might usually be stored. Once clear on that it works great This help took a huge load off my plate as caregiver in several ways. It cut huge chunks out of the time I had to devote to things like doing dishes (takes me 2 1/2 hours to do what most can do in 20 mins). It cut the stress of trying to figure out alternate ways to get things done and gave me the peace of mind that all these things are taken care of. He does things differently than I do, but as long as the end result is achieved, that's no big deal.
When I got my 4 hours of personal care, per week, set up. The road was a bit bumpier. The first helper required constant monitoring to be sure things got done. She seemed more interested in her work report sheets than in doing th job. I requested a change. The biggest hurdle I found was on scheduling and on separating dsuties so the 2 workers weren't duplicating work. She helps me with showering, shampoo and dressing. She changes my bed and takes care of my room. She cooks--meatloaf, banana bread, hatever we can get done in a 2 hour visit.
DH is used to them coming here, so if I need to use repite hours, I try to get one of them. I believe this is a smart move for any caregiver. In-home help reduces your work, your worry and aclimates your LO to people being in the home before he or she has to aclimate to something more involved like hospice or going into a nursing home.
My thanks to everybody who responded to my post. I know that having DH’s aide here is for the best in the long run, but it’s still hard. Probably as time goes by, we’ll wonder how we got along without her!