Just came home a couple of days ago from trip to Virginia to visit family and friends. DH and I started dating in high school and most of these friends have been close to us since those days (is it really 50+ years?!). They all know and accept DH's current difficulties with AD and we had a great time with them. HOWEVER, DH (stage 3) goes to visit his mother (age 89) who still lives alone and is being checked on--NOT daily--by his sister who lives a few miles away. MILFH has always had a persecution complex, but it has exacerbated with age and obvious dementia. About four years ago she decided to be offended by something she perceived, exaggerated and twisted around in her mind--and informed my hubby that I was never welcome in her house again. Now I drop DH off, go visit my sister, and come back for him an hour or two later. Can you imagine what bizarre conversations they must have when he tries to explain something and she doesn't get it, and then she forgets everything he said and repeats the same questions--and he does it as well but to a lesser extent. On this trip I learned from SIL that she has come to visit their mom and detected the smell of a once burning pan, that mom has been taking pills out of the daily compartments and trying to return them to the original pill bottles, that mom skips meals (she is diabetic, no injections) and that SIL had just assisted her mom with a shower, the first in 2 WEEKS. I am freaking out listening to this info, and of course DH is sitting there like we are discussing the weather. He made no comments, asked no questions. SIL works full time as an RN (go figure) and is spending several hours on her day off and on weekends doing things for her mom, but she is seemingly clueless about all the dangers. MILFH has long term care insurance which has its own service agency, and SIL has recently put in an application for a few hours of assistance a coule of days a week. Maybe someone there will pick up on the issues and give better advice. And I am asking myself why I even let myself worry about it when I have so much on my plate already and she has been such a b----. Just had to sound off. Thanks for listening!
susanhere, it sounds like you got lucky that she doesn't want to see you!!! At least she has SIL, who is handling her as best she can. Maybe you could just let her know that it is time for more to be done for your MIL. I'm glad you are able to come here and sound off! That is one reason why we are all here!
My mother got to a place where we never knew whose bandwagon she would be on when we visited. With 7 of us kids she had plenty to work with!! We too were all complacent on her condition. I have one sister, the youngest, who lives nearby -compared to the rest of us. One day she showed up after not stopping by for a few weeks and she found mom on her hands and knees trying to get to the bathroom. She was so week she couldn't even crawl there. The toilet had not been flushed in who knows how long. The last time I saw her, before that time, was 6 months or so since I lived a 10 hour drive away. At that time she mostly ate bagel with cream cheese frosting and peanut butter.
So, don't be so sensitive about her attitude - it comes with the territory. Even my in-laws for the most part was against me for some reason - not sure what except I took him away from New England.
She definitely needs someone to seriously check on her. Time can slip by quickly without us realizing it. It is good someone will be coming by more often because she needs it.
I also know there are groups who call elderly people daily to "check on them". I don't know who they are, but I have often heard of the groups who do this. If there is no answer, or if there is a problem, they will call a back up number, in this case, perhaps a neighbor who will go over and check on her.
Weeks between checking on her is almost a form of elder abuse. The story about her crawling to get to the bathroom is just toooo sad. Someone should call once a day just to be sure she's doing OK. This is a scary story.