Last night my dh stayed up late for the first time in so long I can't remember. I was so tired I had to go to bed but I kept waking up to check on him. About 3:00 I went in where he was watching tv and he got up with a very strange look in his eyes and grabbed my arms and wouldn't let me go. I was afraid for the first time since this started. He didn't do anything but I just had a sense of fear. I finally talked him into going to bed but then I couldn't sleep good because I was trying to figure out what made me afraid. Perhaps just that at night every thing seems worse. But today I'm thinking more about if it's time to start looking at options, aides, nh, whatever. Anyone else experience fear that doesn't seem warranted.
Sometimes I see a very bewildered look on dh's face that I'm not certain he would not hurt me. The few times that he actually "came at me" I moved to another room while I was on the phone with 911. It is scary but night time does make things worse. It would be a good idea to start thinking about your options in case you did have to do something to keep you both safe. Whenever their behavior changes, we are on high alert. It just comes with the territory. Good luck.
So do you call the sheriff department and tell them that you are afraid although there is nothing you can really put your finger on? Do you just say that your husband has Alzheimers and has been acting funny lately and you may have to call them in to help because he has made you afraid lately? I have upped his Seroquel and he is more calm and sleeping so I feel like I can manage him for the time being. It is interesting in that until you are in this position you think you know what you would do in a given situation. Now, not so much. I always said I would never stay one minute with a person who would hit me but what if that person is sick? No, he hasn't hit me but I wonder that he would. It is another thing to think about.
jules not sure about the sheriff situation others who have done it know more how to go about it. i never did it though personally. i know exactly the feeling you are talking about. the possibility that they dont know for a few minutes who you are could possibly allow them to strike out at you. the unaware glaring mean eyes i call them. if you have ever seen the AD mean eyes you dot forget. the fact that he put his hands on you is of concern even if late at nite. our internal warning systems work overtime and i would trust your sixth sense-like pat said if you felt fear then the sensation was true. dont look for excuses=you may want to call the dr and let them know you had a sitution where you became fearful. this is a trigger for medication adjustments usually if the dr is on his toes. so sorry. these are certainly the issues with AD that we read about from others but if it happens to us we are always unprepared how to proceed. i would up the meds some if dr agrees and hope he sleeps thru the nite. good luck divvi
Thanks divvi, and the rest of you. Some adjustments are in order for sure. He did sleep soundly through the night and is still sleeping with the extra Seroquel so good for the moment. The rx already calls for twice a day, up to three times as needed so I won't need the dr's permission. Twice a day seemed to do the trick for a long time so that is what I had been doing. Obviously, we have rounded another corner in this journey and need a change. We have been waiting for some neuropsych tests but I guess it is time to call and say we can't wait any longer, we need some input now.
Jules-the first time I was frightened enough to call 911 my husband was able to convince them it was just a domestic squabble and they left. If they are aware of your situation they will be able to help you and not injure your husband if he starts acting out.
I don't know what strength Seroquel your DH is taking, you can split Seroquel in a pill splitter to reduce the MG's if you feel you need to. Sometime just a 25 MG increase can made a lot of difference in behavior and can help with the drowsiness issues. It takes some trial and error to get it just right. You can also vary the dosage during the day and give him a little heavier dose at bedtime to help him (and you) get a good night's sleep. Check with your DH's Neurologist, he/she can guide you through this.
Early on, I was advised to call and “register” my husband with the local police. I had worried that DH might do something questionable, and the police would react like they would with anyone else in the same circumstances, and injure him or put him in jail where it could take a long time to get him out, and/or he might be injured. This way, if they need to come to my home, they already know that they are dealing with a person with dementia. I was also advised to register DH with the fire department and the paramedics. All three were glad to take the information, and didn’t require a lengthy explanation. Evidently I was not the first person in our small town to do this. (And yes, do tell them that there is a possibility that you might be in danger, so they will already know that, if you ever do have to call for help.)
Please do listen to that small voice inside you telling you that you might not be safe. You know your husband better than anyone. I know that my DH is bigger and stronger than I am. I know that I would come out a very damaged loser in any physical confrontation.
Jules, this is your WAKE UP call.... you have been given some very sound advice. IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN. IF you do not start making a plan now on what to do you will be caught in a very volatile situation. Have someone call you every morning to make sure that you are ok. If you do not answer the phone they are to call 911. Go to the sheriff (him/her self) sit down with them and explain the situation. They will alert their staff to what is going on and they will send qualified officers if they get a 911 to your home. Trust me it is 15 min well spent. You do not want a rookie coming over in this type situation. I am retired from law enforcement and can tell you many horror stories about situations that would have ended differently if all the facts had been know.
Jules....I HAVE been beaten and scarred by John's outbursts. Then, a med adjustment and now (at the moment), I'm not enduring that kind of stuff. But, I know it CAN and probably WILL happen again. I have followed the above advice and registered my husband's tendancies and ailment with the local sheriff's office.
How do you know when it is time to let the authorities know about your LO? My DH is very functional and seems to be progressing very slowly. I would hate to tell the police etc. and nothing ever happens but then again I would hate to be on the wrong end of violence. Years ago when there was a lot of domestic abuse in the news I told DH if he ever laid a finger on me I would call the police and he would go to jail and when he got out everything he owned would be gone. Of course that was before AD so he probably doesn't remember what I said and if he advances to violence he probably wouldn't care!
In my case (year and a half ago), it began with several frightening days of ranting about how he wanted to kill me and exactly how he'd do it. He wound up in a pshyc facility. Again, recently, after he actually came to blows with me....his walker, candlesticks, his fingernails tearing at me, trying to choke me, anything he could do...the sheriff's office now knows whats up. You'll know. DO NOT let it come to actual violence FIRST.
StuntGirl, and you brought him HOME? All that potential for violence could have been avoided if you had taken the hospital social worker's advice and had him placed after he was inpatient at the psych. unit. recently. Medicare would have paid for the 1st part of the stay & medicaid thereafter. Still don't understand why you say you can't afford a nursing home. He would have been readily approved during his last hospitalization.
I know, I know. Still too busy thinking with my heart instead of my blasted HEAD and "wise mind". I'm getting all kinds of help I didn't even ask for from the hospital and Medicare at the moment, though I don't know for how long. It could be that John ends up in a NF sooner than I thought. I'm taking it one day at a time. Not trying to be a hero....just trying to do what my heart (and concience?) tells me I should TRY to do. Right now on medication, he seems to be doing well. Tonight, he has a fever of 102 (an hour ago) and is complaining of stomach pains that come and go in intensity. Pumping the fluids into him and the nurse will be here at 8:30 in the morning. Wonder how his illness (whatever it is) will affect his behavior toward me? I'm on guard ALL THE TIME. Believe me, I question my own judgement often. It's one of my character flaws that makes me think I can actually FIX or REPAIR someone....my kids, friends, everyone, including an Alz. spouse. Go figure. I can't.
i was thinking the same thing uti. dyhydration you said he wasnt drinking much =if its uti and fever not good. you should ask the nurse in the am to get him a uti test asap to eliminate that . there is also a lot of flu stomach bug going around. but take care its not swine flu. divvi
I betcha it is a UTI. Symptoms are all the same. Fever, stomach and back ache, nausea... How is his blood pressure. My husband's recently dropped to 94/68 and that is another sign of dehydration. He HAS been drinking more water today. I hope he keeps it up. The bacteria from UTI's can easily lead to a more serious kidney infection. Gosh...aren't we getting good at bedside diagnoses...especially with AD patients. :-) I believe we ARE good at what we do, because we live with this day in and day out.
Yeah, you have to watch the UTI....about 15 years ago I had one that went on to the kidneys, and I was in the hosp. 5 days with an IV of their strongest antibiotic. THEN the urologist told me you are supposed to "tinkle" after sex (which nobody ever told me about).
I think its some kind of wrestling match that is fun. I remember most of the rules, but not participating lately, I would need some practice to review the procedure.
We all do.....but we can't. If we weren't the type of people we are, we wouldn't be here (Joan's place - while caring for our spouses) in the first place....<sigh>
I'm starting to dream about after.......where to live, what I want to do for the rest of my life after the grieving...it helps keep me going.
I think about that too. WHERE would I like to be in the "after"? Here, I think, with a good partner (my own age or younger with the same interests). If I couldn't be here? Anyplace big enough for me to put all the "stuff" I hold precious and room for an eventual "someone". On the fantasy side? I think if I didn't have mom and dad anymore, and had the money to roam, I'd go to Santa Fe or the West Coast of Florida.......fish and shell there all day and become brown as a berry. OH! And I'd have my upper eyelids done!!...........and research "sex"....maybe.
phranque, stuntgirl posted her direct email on the contact topic. why dont yall take that up there directly by email instead of here on jules post. divvi
So, so sorry.....we digress. Jules, we ARE very concerned about your well-being. PLEASE let us know what's up, okay? I don't mean to always take things in another direction. I just am lonely and sometimes bored and always have something else to say.....I understand your fearfulness because I've been there, too. Forgive me for helping to move the topic another direction.
Sorry I haven't had the time to be on the computer as things are too, too intense here. He talks but makes no sense, and looks at me with eyes that don't see. I have been in touch with our law enforcement and have told my best friend, my sister, and the lady at the post office where I get my mail everyday that I have been afraid and I know if someone doesn't see me for any time, they will either come looking or call the law. My parents call several times a day which can be good or bad depending on when they call. I hate for them to also be worried about me as they are in their 80's and I should be looking out for them not the other way around. I just have a sense of foreboding all the time and I think my blood pressure is making things seem way out of proportion to reality. I may have experienced that fear and now can't move beyond it. He just came in and rambled on for about five minutes and I looked right at him and tried to get a sense of what he was saying and at the end he very politely said, thank you for listening. It brings me to tears. How terrifying it must be for him also.
jules, I don't know what to say except for me I would have to have someone else staying in the house with me. Episodes like that just about do me in. You MUST keep yourself safe and it doesn't sound to me like that is happening. Can you put him someplace for a while until they get his meds adjusted and then bring him back home? Please try.
Imohr, when you say episodes like that just about do me in....does that mean you have experienced that fear? I think I have his Seroquel back to a functional level so we will be okay though the weekend until I can get him in to see his PCP. Happy Fathers day tomorrow guys.
Only a few, about a month ago when he got on the tractor (small one) and was able to start it. I grabbed the keys and turned it off and kept them. He was furious demanding the keys back. I ran into the house and he after me (he can't walk very fast). I gave him back the keys and he was still after me. I ran outside with my cell phone and he locked the door. I called my grandson and he came over and took the extra key and went inside. He said his papaw was sitting in his recliner, so I went back in and he had settle down and a while later told me "all this over a set of keys". SIL later installed a device so he cannot start it again even with the key. We hide the lawnmower key.
A couple of years ago when he discovered I had removed his guns from the house. I know the look and is scares me. I try to keep my cell phone on me all the time but sometimes I get careless. He is weakened and slow moving which helps me, but when that look comes in his eye it scares me and I am going to get out of the house and away from him. We are talking about 2 or 3 episodes 2 or 3 years apart.
I have never had him on a calming agent because he hasn't need one. I am glad you are seeing the Dr. Monday. My pcp would immediately support me and advise me to next course I should take. I hope your Dr. is also caring and understanding.
jules, another thing we keep harping on, with sudden changes in demeanor it can mean UTI. get a sample of urine to the dr and they can test. its an easy fix. with the summer days ahead our spouses will be proan to dehydation and uti more often now. just a thought to see if this could possible be the cause of his aggression. or if you just want to try an AZZO over thecounter strip to see before taking one in to dr. i would rule that out just to be sure.
Thanks for the good ideas, everybody. Divvi....he had a bladder infection perhaps 2 months ago which probably started this whole cycle. At that time the urologist said it would keep happening because his prostate is enlarged to the point it allows urine to back up instead of completely emptying each time. If it is again an infection I will probably have to look at having the laser surgery to widen the passage as to put him on more medication at this point seems like too much. We already have hit the black hole of non coverage on the rx. When I get to the pcp I will ask him to do a urine test for infection. Also I found a pile of pills that he had not taken after I gave them to him. New routine to watch him put in his mouth and swallow them everytime.
Imohr.....now I remember the gun scene. That was an eye opening discussion for me also. Our PCP will be supportive also. He was the first one to ask me if I had been hit or if he had been violent with me. He is also working on getting some support through our community services for us. Funny thing is he is a practicing nurse rather than a doctor and he really is a lot more compassionate than the regular doctors we have seen and that is a lot of doctors. Thanks for your input!
jules my DH suffers enlarged prostate and uti from it as well. we have been on uroxatrol for a yr and its helping alot. we talked with the dr about laser surgery to open but there are some bad side effects to that as well. constant dribbling and infections. get informed prior to going ahead with that. i decided against it for those reasons. also you can ask the dr bout saw palmetto for reducing the prostate. its over the counter and cheap. my brother is a pharmacist and told me many are taking it for this purpose instead of rx meds. but ask the dr first if hes already on meds. just lay it out and say you cant afford more meds and need choices. well if hes had prostate and uti in the recent past he may very well have another or one that didnt clearup . divvi
Divvi...hmmmm, the doctor did not mention bad side effects from the surgery. He must want to practice his laser technique. Then again if my husband is already dribbling and having infections how that would change anything. I have a bottle of Flomax that was prescribed about a year ago that we never used, I guess I'll ask the PCP about using it now. I will also put saw palmetto on my question list. Thanks
Which reminds me - and this is probably as good a place to raise it as any: a lot of you are from the south/midwest, which is gun country. Although around here I think it's fairly unlikely that any given person would have a stash of guns, that's not the case for many of you. And this hasn't come up for a while but PLEASE if you have guns in the house, get the ammo out!! As important as keeping them from driving.
Jules, my hubby tried using saw palmetto for his enlarged prostate a few years ago before going with Flomax. For weeks he had cramps and urgent runs to the bathroom after a meal before he told me what was going on. (This was before he retired and he spent at least twelve hours a day at the office.) We guessed that it might be the saw palmetto, he quit taking it and ...no more problem with the upsets. He started on the Flomax before his MCI diagnosis and it has worked great. Just a word of caution...we have never heard anyone else mention this happening. so it must not be commonplace. However, DH usually has a cast iron stomach. Hope your day is uneventful. So sorry for all you are going through. Every change is scary.
susanhere, thanks for the heads up on the saw palmetto. My husband already has the tender digestive system which can lead to urgent runs to the bathroom. Another reason I hesitate to add anymore drugs to this cocktail that he already takes. I really appreciate your comments and concern, thank you!
My hustand had the laser surgery and it didn't work--left scar tissue that restricted flow. And the anaesthesia set him way back. He had been on Flomax, which didn't do the job (and can cause cognitive problems). Afterwards they gave him Proscar, which helped the problem a lot. I wonder if they had tried that sooner whether he wouldn't have needed surgery. My husband likes the Proscar because it helps his thinning hair. No one has told him it can reduce sexuality.
jules of course all meds dont work for everyone. the saw palmetto may be an option or not. one persons experience is not to say the same for everyone. each should make decisions based on the info. i would be giving the saw palmetto instead of rx but DH cant swallow the pil and it cant be chewed. flomax we were on it for awhile then discovered it was drastically reducing his BP and i had to take him into ER twice with 70/40 thinking it was uti. not, the flomax has this side effect too. so like i say each person will or will not be able to use certain meds. my urologist gave me also all the material for the laser surgery but did explain a good percentages even with this surgery dont fix the problem-he knew DH has AD and the risk isnt 100% to make it better. you should google the surgery and read up with unbiased opinions too. then make decisions. of course many who had it works better post surgery. again everyone is quite differnet . divvi