I need some very real, first-hand advice from those of you who have been through this. DH has not been diagonsed with FTD but has all of the early signs. Probably has had this for 8 to 10 years. Over the last two years, he has been in a stage where he will forget a conversation and then will get mad about me doing or not doing something that we discussed. The last three months are worsening.
My worst on-going problem is finances. He is worried and get worked up about many little things that are not in his control. Please don't tell me to change the address on everything or to have the mail sent to a box. He is not advanced enough to not know. With FTD, most of the memory is still there. It is the reasoning and moods and personality that are most effected. I use avasive actions a lot and it works pretty good. I do my best to include him just enough so that he doesn't think I am hiding anything but not enough to get him worked up. Today, he wants to sell our boat and house because we owe a dentiest $49. I have been sending $10 a month with the dentest's permission. Also, our son charged $323 on our lumber yard bill and then got really sick. He still owes $123. We have the money in our savings to pay it off and we are going to do that but now DH wants to sell our boat and pay all of son's other bills also. This is an example of the reasoning button being broken.
Usually this is a two-day phase and it will pass. But how do you deal with it. and how do you keep it from happening again. I am emtionally drained and am so tired of the yelling and ranting about these kinds of things.
Can anyone think of any other way to hide/avoid these issues. Kelly, you went through many years of this with FTD and a young husband. Any suggestions?
Your problem is common and very, very difficult. The behavior has to be gotten under control first. Can you get the doctor to prescribe medication to calm him down, so you are not subject to the rantings?
Where money is concerned, it is an issue of control. Yes, his reasoning button is broken, but he can't acknowledge that, so he thinks you are taking all control away from him. Someone on these boards came up with a compromise idea. Can you hire or maybe get a retired accountant to volunteer to come to the house once a month to handle the money and explain to your husband what he is doing - it makes them feel that they are in the loop, and it's not YOU who are controlling them. Hearing someone else tell them and show them that they don't need to sell the house to pay $10 a month to the dentist may work. It may not, but some people have had success with this method.
it would be very difficult to keep this up if hes having symptoms 8-10yrs and running. no wonder you are exhausted. FTD is very hard to deal with as you know from these boards-you need to get him to a dr and get medication however you can manage that. sometimes you have to demand and not ask anymore. he needs anxiety meds for him and you. divvi
The opposite of the spend-thrift behavior we've seen so often!! No concept of money or value. It might make sense for you to just go ahead and pay everything off, even with savings (not as if that's making much in interest right now!!) and try to reduce the visibility of all bills as much as you possibly can. Online or otherwise. At this point I have very few bills that come to the house and if I bring in the mail they get spirited away. It's okay to fib, remember, even if he is aware. The son won the lottery and paid off his bills. Or someone owed the son some money so he paid off all his bills. Have the son tell him that!
And change the subject a lot! I wouldn't try to include him in, to be honest - if he raises the question of something FIB! and say it was all taken care of, didn't he remember?
My husband is a retired General Motors employee and this week we got what I'm sure is the first in a long line of letters announcing cuts to our benefits. This time it was dental and optical are being cut 1-1-10. He got very upset and talked about bombing the Renaissance Center in Detroit (GM headquarters). So I think I will handle the rest of the cuts myself as they come and try to keep them from him. My husband hasn't talked about selling off anything, but he does talk of buying a Harley about once a week!
the Harley is so funny. My DH has been talking about buying one for almost a year. I actually put $1400 a year in a Medical Reim Account to pay for medical related co-pays etc. He doesn't understand that this money will be lost if we don't use it. He won't go to the eye doctor unless we have the cash in hand to pay him even though the doctor has always let us take the bill and get reimbursed for it, and then pay the doctor. I tried the auto payments suggestion once but he goes over the bank statement and thinks that I am hiding things by not writing a check. Once, I changed the statement address to my work and he figured it out and boy was that trouble.
Briegull, I like your idea of paying everything off. I think I will look into this one. We only have our truck payment and house payment in addition to monthly bills. Our son has a truck and house payment also. His house is in my name and he is making the payments on it. It was a 15-year loan and he owes 10 more.
He saw on the news this morning how employees will be paying more next year for their health insurance benefits. That gave him something more to worry about.
The problem is that he is so highly functional that it is hard to know what will work and what won't.
thanks for your input and please send more if you think of anything.
I certainly empathize with you on the money issues. My DH (FTD) is still high function in some areas (but irrationally believes we are dirt poor) and it has been hard to do some of the financial things I have had to do because of his illness. His major problem is physical (can hardly walk at all) so living on acreage I have had to hire more and more work done around our place. I also hired a caregiver for one 4-day absence when I went to visit Gbabies (this nearly sent him through the roof). When he tries to pay the bills (only when he "feels" like it) he sometimes writes the checks for the wrong amt or sends to the wrong place so I'm trying to do more and more online. We have separate (but joint) bank accounts and he gets livid if I so much as touch "his" account. I managed to buy myself a little breathing room for the next 6-12 months by transferring a rather large amount of money from an investment account to "my" checking account. He caught sight of the investment financial statement when it came in the mail and I had to do some quick talking to explain but I think I managed to talk in circles sufficiently to "fog" him up on the topic and he's forgotten it since then. All this "fibbing" and sneaking around behind his back just to keep the household and his temperament running smoothly just wears me out. To those in the early stages, my advice would be to get yourself a separate account if you don't already have one and/or see how much of the financial duties you can take over now before they become an issue. Goodness, bless us every one :)
Dealing with those financial issues must be so stressful for you all. Fortunately, I always handled our finances since we married and he doesn't really have a clue about it. I have one checking account in both names that comes in the mail (as well as on-line), so if he wants to see a statement, I give him that one. But doesn't happen very often - thank goodness! He never questions anything I do either!
Weejun and Vickie, thank you for your comments. I too get so tired of the sneaking around to keep things smooth. Last night, while we were going over the bank statement, of course, he insisted that "4" was May. I kept trying to tell him that "4" was April. He either realized that he was wrong and felt embaressed or finally gave up. thank goodness.
Then he (no kidding this really happened) asked me to clean his "coffee cup" with the kitchen spray because they got real dirty and dusty working outside. I knew immediately that he was talking about his "eye glasses" because he always used the spray when they are real dirty. I was just able to catch myself before I asked him if he meant his glasses. I'm so glad that I didn't say it. He would have insisted that my hearing was bad and that I was just trying to start a fight.
We always have to be alert and on guard just to keep peace in the home.
He really actually said "coffee cup." My first thought was "why did he take his coffee cup out in the yard to cut the yard." Then it hit me that he really meant to say glasses and said the wrong word.
I pay all the bills and handle the money; I always have. He wants to be in on the decisions and is tracking the mortgage balance. he watches each payment and the balance. There is so much more and everything related to money worries him. right now, there is no way to hide very much from him as he is on top of it all. The best way to handle any issue or question is the way weejun did with the transfer from the investment account. I don't bring any discussion up but answer his concerns when they arise.
Mary, It sound very much like Joan dealing with Sid and the driving.
You mentioned he is "high-functioning". It seems to be a phrase used a lot with dementia. I think is usually means "he doesn't seem as bad as the others I read about". If he calls his eyeglasses a coffee cup and doesn't realize he has made a mistake in the word is it that he can't identify objects anymore or just made a mistake? Isn't there a stage where they can't recall names of objects correctly/accurately?
When he said it, he might have been looking at the coffee cups on the kitchen counter and just said the wrong word. Two years ago, this is exactually what I would have thought happened. With these little slips and inaccurate things happening so often, I know that it is something else.
Yes highly-functional is used a lot for early stages where everyone else thinks that he is just fine and nothing is obvious...except for____________(you all can fill in the blank).
Back when I was keeping notes to prove to myself that these things were really happening I remember clearly the first word I noticed he got wrong. We were working on fixing up house to sell and doing some painting. His job was to putty the holes in the walls. He kept asking me where the spatulas were. He was looking for putty knives. Gosh I wish I could remember the other ones. Some seem funny now.
Sometimes I wonder if my DH has FTD or alz..because it seems this has gone on so long without his 'forgetfulness' about the major issues that cause so much difficulty (9 yrs). I guess its the major things that stay with them. The money is a recurring hot spot for us and thanks to the wise counsel right here, I've made some changes that certainly have helped. I have my own bank account. WE have a joint account, which DH claims as ALL his..and resented anything paid by ME from it..(but I pay the billsss).. Right now, I'm paying everything from my bank account that isn't related to the cattle. When DH looks at our joint bank statement, the only things he sees are expenses he approves (cow feed,tractor parts etc).. THEN, I transfer to SAVINGS from this joint account (he would agree with withdrawals to savings)... AND transfer from savings to my account as needed. Whatever I have to have to pay the bills. So far, it is working. It does seem awful to lie and go around behind their backs to get things done especially when the APPEAR to be high functioning..but aren't.
Also, he started on new medication recently.. and I want to think its working. Not sure though as it seems after a week or so of uproar, he's not as agitated then it builds up again. The medication is Risperadone..and I desperately hope it IS working!!
I have noticed over the last week, because I have been paying attention, that DH is having trouble understanding the calendar. In my first post, I told you how we were going over bank statements and he thought that "4" meant May. three times this week, I have noticed the calendar on May rather than on June. It is a wall hanging calendar in our porch and we make notes on it. I keep flipping the page back to June and then I will find it back to May. I plan on keeping my eye on this as it is a new change.
Also, we were given a new dog by a lady that lives two hours away. DH still drives and wanted to drive for this trip. He did a good job but was easily angered by the other drivers. I am not looking forwarded to the time when he will not be able to drive. Probably a couple to a few years off.
He is back working for the contractor this month, which is really good for him. They work 6 to 7 hours a day and 3 to 4 days a week. It is not stressful work but does take a toll on him physically. Probably the tumor thing which causes him to be tired all of the time. (He has a petuatary gland tumor which is on the prolactin part. This started about 10 years as best we can guess. The hormone imbalance is treated by meds but still leaves him tired and joint sore a lot. This aalso dds to some of his noticable confusion, I'm sure.)
He wasn't sure if he would like the dog. It is a young male the same as our older female. the dog really likes DH, so I think it will work out.
My sister and neice are coming from out-of-state to visit in Montana for a couple of weeks. They will be spending Sunday and part of Monday with us. The stress of thinking about cleaning the house and handling the visit is already getting him a little worked up. My sister knows what is going on and knows that I was not inviting her to use my house as "home base" for this reason. She knows that too much change and activity can be hard on him.
Looking back, I realize now that DH made some pretty bad financial decisions in the years when I didn't realize that he was losing his judgement. For instance, he would read every begging letter from a charity and send them a check. He would react enthusiastically to the letters from Reader's Digest saying that he could win 100,000 dollars. He would order stuff from the little catalogues that come in the mail (I got some nice surprises.) He was an intelligent man, had run a company; I couldn't believe that he was falling for it. He would answer the phone and invite salesmen to the house to try to sell us stuff. We bought a camera surveillance system for our house (he was already becoming a bit paranoid about intruders). Luckily we were able to cancel that before it was installed. We bought a time share and bits of teak plantations in Brazil. Looking back, I can't believe I was so stupid as to let this all happen but, then, he had always been the one to make all the financial decisions and I never cared much about it. I never paid a bill, but luckily I had got him once to show me how to use the internet banking and I had kept notes. I didn't realize that he had stopped understanding finances until June 2008 when I got a tax bill with fine because I had not filed a return for 2005 !! (and of course, not for 2006 or 2007 either.) I guess that was my AHa moment (a different thread, I know) at least as far as the financial stuff was concerned. Since then I have been handling all the finances and quite enjoying it, once I got the worst mess cleared away. He feels rich when he has 20 Euros in his billfold and knows where there is another 20 in the house. No idea about the bank balance or any investments. When we're going to a restaurant or movie I make sure he has money in his billfold so he can pay.
Jeanette...EXACTLY ME! My aha was just like yours! An IRS investigation for the years 2004-2006! HUGE fines, interest, penalties! We were lucky and a lot was forgiven because of his diagnosis. Like you, maybe, I had never had to write a check. Just got my little allotment every month to spend. WHAT AN AWAKENING! Now, I look back and see all the poor decisions and disregard to planning and I'm sickened. I trusted this man with my own wealth and our futures. It made me very angry for a long time. We've lost most of what we both had at one time.
Hello, secret squirrel, thanks for your reaction. Misery loves company? Actually I have to admit that nowadays it gives me a lot of satisfaction to handle the finances and be in charge of the money. DH was raised very frugally (Holland after the war was impoverished) and then we went through a time early in our marriage when he was still in school and money was tight, so we (he) always kept close tabs on a budget. Even later when we were both earning well he wanted to keep track of every cent (Handy at the end of the year to know how much you'd spent at each grocery store and how much I'd spent at the hairdresser's?) Later on I manged to convince him we each needed an allowance to spend that was only registered as a lump sum. Nowadays he still occasionally wants to keep all the cash register slips he can find (I don't let him find any that would fluster him) and sometimes spends a happy hour making a list of expenditures. I think he's given up trying to add them up though. He never glances at the bank statements which are my real record since we pay almost everything with a debit card.
I have been dreading the "bank statement" arrival for a good week. Every month, it is a problem. DH waits from day to day for it to arrive. It was not here again today. He asked me if I knew why it was becoming later and later each month. It usually arrives on the 8th. I told him that may be it will be here tomorrow. He then looked at me and said that it really didn't matter that things have been going real good, "haven't they." I said, yes, they have. Hopefully, when it arrives tomorrow, he will remember that he doesn't need to look at it or make a big deal over it. Probably not, however, it will be the same old thing. I guess I should keep my positive thinking going.
Mary.....would it be helpful if you could go online for your bank account and sign up to recieve your bank statement onlline as well as a paper copy that your husband looks for? I do most of my banking online....transfers, some billpaying, checking my balances when I get worried, etc.
Good advice. I already do this. The problem is with FTD, they still have their memory for the most part but the reasoning button is broken. So he is/would be well aware if a statement doesn't show up. What he doesn't understand (the reasoning part) is that after bills are paid and deposits are made, there isn't a lot of money left. We have enough to cover everything but when a car repair comes along, it takes dicressionary money from other places like extra gas money. Like last week it was $40 for a transmission filter and fluid for my car. Our son did the work. Then we spent gas for two car trips. $20 and $15. this is $75 dollars. Then there was $25 for the dogs hair cut and $35 for a used crate. another $60. It adds up and he can't understand why we don't have a lot of money left.
Then when I try to explain things to him, he gets angry and thinks I am lieing to him. He won't calm down enough to listen to the explination. He wants me to mail checks to everyone so that he can see the cancelled check copy. If I make the phone or power payment on-line, he sees that there isn't a check for the transaction and says I am trying to hide the payment from him. Even though the payment amount clears through the "line-by-line" part of the statement.
He wants to see a financial councelor now so that someone will catch me lieing. He also wants to see a maraige counciler so that someone else will think I am wrong.
It is just really hard to handle. And, it really isn't fun anymore. If he would just drop it and let me take care of things, it would be so helpful.
Last night, when I got home from work, he was still all worked up about the bills and money. He told me that we were going to spend all night fighting about it. I told him that if he intended on fighting that nothing would get accomplished. I told him that as long as I had to worry about him being so angry that it scared me. He told me to call someone to come over while we talk. He gave me some unrealistic options so I call our daughter and Son in law. We had about 1 1/2 hours of pretty good conversation. DH didn't talk at all about all the "lies" and "how bad in am" that he told me that he was going to talk about. It came up about DH wanting me to write checks for everything and not do on-line or auto payments. Son in law told DH that they do a lot of their payments this way because it is easier. So that gave him something to think about. Then we all talked about getting a different internet provider, which would save us $12 a month. The plan they are on is $10 a month. I asked if they bill you so I can mail a check. They said that it needs to come off a debit card or credit card. we have neither. I told them that I choose our current provider because they would bill us. I showed SIL the income and list of monthly obligations. He told us that he thought that we were overly agressive in our savings and payback schedule for some bills. He said that we should hold out more money from my checks to live on. DH told him that I was paying too slowly on three bills, dentist, tire shop, etc. I send $10 or $20 a pay check. He wants me to pay more on them. SIL told DH that he understands that but that we need money to live on. I really don't think that very much got accomplished but am glad that DH heard that auto and on-line payments are good and that you can't always write a check for everything. Daughter and SIL used a lot of their personal feelings that I didn't really like. For example, SIL does not like cell phones and was trying to convince DH that we didn't need them. I offered to DH, after they left, to cancel my phone but that he should keep his. I was surprised by his response. He said that I work every day and if I want a cell phone that I should be able to have one.
All in all, it went pretty well. He made a comment in front of them that I should be happy that I wasn't dead or have broken bones. So in his opinion, things went well. I didn't think it was very funny but he sure did. Daug and SIL just kind of looked at him.
I still think that if I gave DH an allowance and filled his gas tank every pay day, that none of this would happen. That is my plan for the future. I guess that I need to be more sensitive and in tune to his feelings. I thought that I was but he doesn't like being treated like a child and I was doing that.
Mary i respect your goal to keep the harmony as best you can. i am not the kind of person to call in third parties to validate what i have to say, but i understand you may have found that necessary with your DH obsessions. i have always been in charge of all financials/investments so i cant fathom being in a situation where you have to account for every bill and check paid. seems quite unreasonable and obsessively controlling. you will probably have to become more devious and creative as time goes forward with him looking over your every move..it may be an option just to give him your input and this is how you intend to handle your affairs, and if he wants to argue just leave the room til he calms down- divvi
this is a very challenging situation. I know that at some point may be a year or so this obsession will pass or he will not understand the issue at all. I try not to treat him as a child because he is still so highly functional. I also have always handled all the bills so this is new to me. He has not worked a "paying" job for 10 years. We made the choice after the last mine shut down for him to stay home and be the homemaker. He has always been content about this up intill now. When he brought home a paycheck, he always kept out gas money and a small allowance and gave me the rest. He talks about getting a job again but we both know it wouldn't work out.
My dh recently threw a tantrum and decided to use my paying the bills via automatic deduct and debit card to complain about. It had to be something. Really, he was tired, and was looking for a fight. During the argument, he went on and on. I finally said, "Well, you can take over the bill paying if you want." He backtracked right away. The next day he said, "I don't think I could do the bills anymore anyway," meaning he doesn't feel he has the mental ability to do them now. I thought that was telling. And he's right. He would mess things up royally. I knew when I told him he could take over paying the bills that he would back down.