My husband's ex-wife visited on Sunday for 2 hours and did her usual hatchet job. Now he's asking why he can't be home and have me take care of him (these are words I've heard her use when I've been in the room and she's come in the door, ignored me, kissed him and said, "Oh,you poor darling, you should be in your own home with Mary taking care of you.") They were married for 14 years , separated for 7 years before I met him, and we've been married for 30 years. My lawyer has informed her that she can visit only if she is with one of their children. This came about after she had left a note in his room with the name of a lawyer "who can get you a divorce from Mary," and another note where she called me a bitch. She has some dementia. It is upsetting to my husband and makes me flaming mad. I have Health Care Representation and could write a note to the Care Facility and not allow her to visit, but as the Director of Nursing Care told me today, "We don't always have some at the desk." I suppose I could post it with reception desk - they check identity when someone buzzes the intercom. I've e-mailed my lawyer about it as this is just one more harassment from my husband's first family and asked her what we are going to do about this. I'm not confident I'm going to get a reply. Now I've written this, I think a letter from me to the staff is in order. Divvi, are you there?
divvi will be along shortly. I just can't imagine having the problem you are having with the ex. It has to be just so frustrating. And hurtful to your DH.
Ex-wives should be kept a minimum distance of two states away from their former husbands. This is my personal philosophy and I find it works quite well for me.
Mary75, my stomach is curling for you in anger. you just have GOT to get a handle on the ex/kids and get them out of your life one way or another. its creating too much stress and anxiety on YOU not to mention your sick husband. she is the EX for heavens sake. nobody in their right mind allows ex's to visit-much less interfer or offer opinions. not even with kids is she allowed in! you get that health care proxy out and get moving and post it to whoever needs copies of it. she is not allowed back in. period. detremental to his health and yours. no ifs ands or butts. unless you want me to come to personally come kick some myself. and i can believe me. haha. i dealt with scenario in my second marriage. my ex would allow his ex to come to all family functions due to the 'children' grown adults wanting to bring her to harrass me. no other reason.. dont let it happen. you are his wife now and calling the shots especially since he cant himself. wheres that metal spine we put in a few months ago???????? divvi
shark POOL, shark POOL!!! No....she and the step-kids have NO RIGHTS to be in your life. Trust me on this. I've been there, done that. Put a stop to it IMMEDIATELY.
Mary, you have spent 30 years with your husband - that is a lot longer than she ever was with him. To top it off, your knowledge of him and what he wants is a lot more recent.
I like the shark pool idea. They have no rights over him, nor is it in his best interest for them to upset him like that.
Mary, FIND ANOTHER NURSING HOME AND TRANSFER HIM AND DON'T TELL ANYONE WHERE HE IS, ESPECIALLY THE NURSING HOME HE IS IN NOW!!!! (How is that for shouting my advice?)
That will fix her cookie!!!!! It might cost you a little, but it would be worth it...and while you are at it, tell Eric that you are moving him closer to home since you can't bring him home. That you have found a better place. <grin> (It will be better if it keeps the ex away!)
i wouldnt change a thing. running from the issues at hand solve nothing. in marys case everyone around her the nursing home personall, ex, stepkids, kids, or whomever, need to know SHE IS IN CHARGE. she has been very meek and wishywashy about slamming her foot down for too many years. now is the time to stand on her two feet and start stomping. loud and clear. she can call for a meeting of the heads of this facility or whoever is in charge-a list of 'allowed' visitors names and relationship, should be provided at all stations in the facility where visitors enter/exit and i would also give to director of personell and administration and have each SIGN an extra copy that they acknowledge they recieved a copy. then someone gets in who is not on that list, you can reproach in a big way. and you should setup certain hours for visitation for DH as well. to accomodate times of the day at DH convenience and yours. if they are unable to provide you with this service and unwilling to follow directed protocol as DH health advocate then you should consider moving him -i am sure they wouldnt want to lose a long time paying inpatient like him. :) after all it IS a private facility and he pays for his privacy and special needs! divvi
Sounds like we are looking for roars from lions instead so squeaks from mouses.....
Mary it is very uncomfortable to put your foot down (I've done it) but the end result has been well worth it. I had to do a lot of roaring for a bit but they went away and haven't come back so I know that you can do this to.
I often play mental games with myself to accomplish any roaring I need to do as it is really not part of my personality. I am doing it for someone else's comfort and well-being. In my case, my husband did not need the additional stress of them trying to take over - I could roar to protect him.
Our spouses are emotional barometers, they pick up all of the negative emotions (and positive ones too) and react to them. Negative, spiteful, hurtful people who are very angry can cause all kinds of problems when our loved ones are exposed to them. The nurses and aids where my husband is have talked about how difficult some of the residents are to handle after someone has been through with those types of emotions.
No need to move husband. With recent HIPA (privacy regulations) once you have made the nursing home away of your wishes, they can be sanctioned by Department of Health and federal regulators if they do not follow your privacy instructions. This is a slap on the wrist that no nursing home relishes! Have a meeting with administrators and make sure you are all on the same page.
If she was anything like this when they were married, no wonder he left her. Sounds like someone that needs to be put in her place aka in the past where she belongs.
mary of course you are never 'wrong'!! ALL opinions are valid-it takes everyones opinions here to get one big one! no right or wrong way of viewing -everyone writes what they would think of doing if it were them. moving him IS a good idea if all else fails. heck moving our spouses out of any facility if they dont get the care deserved is a no brainor.
This is the end of a busy day, and more to come, but thought I'd check in to say that minutes after reading Divvi's first post, I faxed a letter to the reception desk of the facility and the Director of Nursing Care to nix any visiting from ex-spouse. Have just returned from visiting my husband and spoke to the Director of Nursing Care, and everything is in place. "We'll do our best, but we can't guarantee the ex might not slip in." Will talk to the administrators tomorrow. My lawyer does not suggest any further step at this time. My guess is that she'll eventually go for a restraining order on all of them. Thanks for all your input. Much appreciate having all you bright specks shining your wisdom my way.
Mary75, I just wrote a personal email to you and it came back 'no such address'. Would you pls check your profile and see if it's correct...or leave me a note in the thread about personal contacts ..Nancy B
Nancy B, that's the correct e-mail address. Don't know why it was returned to you. Please try again. I'll also leave a note in the thread about personal contacts.
Good for you Mary. Proactive--that's my middle name! And, I really like the idea of a restraining order against all those folks that are giving you grief. Life is too short to put up with that kind of nonsense. Go gettum! :)
Gee, I was lucky. After my ex-husband's wife divorced him (he being the father of my child, she being the 2nd wife & mother of his daughter) we turned out to be great friends. She was always so kind to my son when she was married to him. She had a similar experience in the marriage, and our children are now close as brother & sister. I always told my son to watch out for his sister, and he has. I am glad he has a sibling, and glad that I have a good relationship with her mother. Last time I was on Long Island, we had breakfast together. It was fun!