I have had a terrible day. So much so that I didn't go to see dh-first time since he was moved near me. After yesterday and being so upset with my family and daughter, I had decided to move forward. I had my sister stay overnight which she does about every Sat. She offered to help me plant my topsy turvey and open my pool so I could swim. A few years ago when I realized I needed water therapy to feel better, I had an endless pool put in my home. It is inside so I can swim all winter. Problem is, I have very bad arthritic hands which prohibit me from doing alot of physical chores. It requires that I crank a handle to retract the cover and I have no strength in my hands so I have been unable to open it to swim. I also had to give up the one thing I loved-sewing- because I simply can not do it. Anyway, my daughter is well aware of my limitations. She had Tues off from work and I didn't even know it till yesterday. Never heard from her all week. My sister began to ask me what was bothering me. I thought I had put it behind me but apparently not. I began to cry and told her I felt very disrespected and I was very upset because I knew I was loosing my husband but was not prepared to loose my daughter as well. We talked for a few moments and I decided to call my daughter. I needed her to know how I felt. We spoke and she was upset with me for feeling like I was being ignored. She said she didn't know where "this was coming from" and felt I was out of line. I told her that my perception was my reality and if she did not understand it, she needed to take time to think about it. I reminded her that she had not asked me how her father was-even when I saw her in person yesterday. She still didn't get it. Then she broke down and cried (she rarely cries) and told me she did not want to go to the nh and that the only reason she went was because she knew I wanted her to. She said she did not want to remember her father like this and could not handle it. I told her I never forced her to see him. I understood how she felt but that I felt I was loosing her when I needed her in my life. I also asked her when she last called my Mom who has been in a nh since April. She said she never has. I told her that my Moms mind is fine and that she should make an effort to call her. I have to take some of the fault here. I felt so bad for her for the last 8 years since dh was dxd that I probably sheltered her from some of it. I really believe that dealing head on with difficult situations is what creates character. Knowing they can deal with a problem and survive makes people capable. I think I did not ask her to step up to the plate but it is not too late to make her understand. Sometimes tough love is whats needed and I intend to make her more aware of my life so she can figure out "where this is coming from". Our discussion so affected me, I had an upset stomach all day and decided to forgo my daily visit with dh. Tomorrow is another day. Thank God Hallmark had some great movies on today. I guess I needed a day off as well. I am so happy this forum exists and thank you all for letting me vent.
Oh, baby, I wish I had a shoulder close enough for you to cry on. I remember when my grandmother and her sister, both in their right minds but physically not, were in a nursing home. I was in my early 20s. It was SOOOO hard to go see them! I would go, and I would take my little boys because the people loved to see them, but it was SOOO hard to walk in there. But not even talking to YOU - I guess she was just ashamed of herself.. Maybe now the dam is broken and things will start to heal.
I'm sad that you had this difficult time feeling like you are losing your daughter. For me I think that perhaps being more open about my own fears and discussing them with those people close to me, like my daughter and my sister have been important. But this is not my daughters father so it's not so hard for her, she can still be objective. Then again she doesn't live close so there is no pressure to come visit. Hopefully things will look better tomorrow.
Kathryn0907, I've had a similar problem with my daughter, and even though it was painful, you did the right thing. It's unfortunate when you have to do it, but it is form of love when you do. It's very upsetting to us; we hope for better things from them. I've reached two conclusions: they are having a tough time coping in this society, and secondly, some people just don't have it in them to reach out to others. They haven't got it; you can't give it to them. Having said it once - or twice! - I let it go, now.
Yesterday, my daughter called and asked me if I wanted to come for dinner one night this week. We chatted for a few minutes and then I had to tell her that I was in the er w/dh. She asked some details, I answered and she said to keep her informed. At the end of the conversation, she said "see, I really am a good daughter"!! I said I did not say she was a bad daughter but a neglectful one. I think she "got it". Tonight she called to talk about her discussion with her new endocrinologist (she had thyroid cancer last year that had metasticized into 13 of 17 lymph nodes). She would not have done this before. She has always been very independant and I need her to be that way but there is a difference. I have hope that maybe things will be a little better. Maybe that's wishful thinking but I need to wish I guess. Thanks everyone.
Yesterday. I started a new discussion called "finally a dr with a brain". You can read my very long story. I wanted to have a meeting with the nh today but those needed to attend would not be available till tomorrow so we have an appt at 12:30. My dh was very sedated today and I am hoping that he will readjust . We all have to pray every day.
Kathryn0907--I'm so sorry you were feeling so bad. I'm really glad that you were able to open up to your daughter and get things out in the open. Hopefully, now the air can be cleared and you two can be good friends again.
About her not wanting to see her grandmother or visit her dad, it really is for her sake that she do so. Hard as it is. I have one son who cannot even call his brother when his brother's children were badly injured or sick. He told me he just can't do it. He feels he would say just the wrong thing and cause more pain. This son is a college graduate, is part owner of a company, has his own band and performs 3 weekends out of the month. He is certainly not shy. It really hurts his brother who just does not understand this reasoning at all. By not calling, this son is injuring his brother which is exactly the opposite of what he wants to accomplish.
I'm praying for you and your daughter and the rest of the family.
It really galls me when people use the excuse that "it's just so hard to see them that way" or some such nonsense. Sure it's hard--but that's a cop out! What if we all said that--there would be no caregivers! On the other hand, I agree with Mary75, some people just don't have it in them. No use banging your head against a brick wall.
When I was growing up, my mother did not do hospitals or nursing homes. I never learned about it from her. In my 20s, I could not handle nursing homes and seeing people I cared about in those situations. Hospitals were not much better but I did make the effort for those that I cared about a lot. It took me until my 30s to really start to mature and get past all of that. I can now go into a hospital and visit a friend (must still be a very close one though) and am more comfortable in nursing homes.
Some people have outright told me that they don't want to see my dh and remember him this way, they want to remember him the way he used to be. Others are uncomfortable visiting with him because he cannot participate in a conversation any more and they have no clue how to handle that either. I do understand those feelings.
I find those feelings unacceptable in siblings, children and parents and even very close friends. It is very sad when children cannot handle and won't make the effort to change/learn/adapt so they can handle what is happening to our loved ones. I would love to not have some of the memories of my husband the way he is now, but life isn't about being fair or nice, it just is. I don't think my husband realizes all of who are missing but I know and some days it cuts very deep.
I agree with what everyone said. My brother wouldn't go see our dad in the nursing home, because it was "too hard for him". Mom accepted that. When I pointed out that it was hard for her and for my sister and me, her reply was that it was harder for men. She didn't have an answer when I said that my husband and both of my sons went to see him. She always made excuses for my brother.
The "I don't know what to say" excuse also upsets me. No one can truly know what someone else is going through, so it is hard to know what to say. So you say, "I really don't know what to say. I'm sorry this is happening. I can't imagine how hard it is for you." Mainly, you don't offer platitudes - like the person who told me that "God wanted him more than you did," after my infant son died.
Oh, yes, Janet, the platitudes. When one of my twins had a stroke at 9 days of age and left him a right-sided hemiplegic, I was told once that I must have committed a terrible sin for God to punish like that. Then another brilliant soul told me that I was suppose to be learning patience and compassion. That's why God afflicted my son. You can only imagine how badly we were `hurting.
Well, I don't believe either one of these tales and I'd have been a whole lot better off if those two hadjust kept quiet. My son had a stoke because he was 32nd born twin, born breach, a month early and was in a premature condition. He had a cerebral hemhorage. The hemorage caused brain damage and his paralysis is the result.
God does not punish little babies because of some sin I did. I don't believe God would do that for me to learn patience and compassion. I think God is smart enough to figure out something else.
And the idiot that said that to you about your infant son--she's just plain stupid. I can't think of anything else to say.
I'm not finished yet. Believe this or not. I had all my children (5 of 'em--count them:) in the grocery story standing in line to check out. The twins were about 4 years old. This woman stood there staring at them. She kept smiling at the oe boy and actually scowled at my boy with RS paralysis. She looked me right in the eye--spoke out loud in bell-like tones and asked me--me--she actually said these words in front of all 5 of my children and every single one of them heard her and understood her. She said "How can you love a child like that?"
I felt like someone had hit me in my stomach. My daughter started to cry. The boys all looked at me with those big eyes. I was so stunned. I responded "which one are you talking about? I adore all of my children?"
I had the feeling I was going to loose it so I herded them out of line and we left. I didn't have too many groceries and I just left that cart standing there.
Lots of people heard her say it. I've always wondered if anyone said anything to her. I never went back to that store. Silly me.
We stopped at Dairy Queen and got shakes and made fun of the stupid woman and had big laughs and hopefully everyone forgot it. Maybe the boys did. My daughter didn't. She ask reminded me of the incident a couple of times.
Some people are so mentally handicap that they offer the most obnoxious of platitudes. I had a close friend who had 3 autistic children, and I often heard people say "How could she have 3...she should have stopped after the first....How stupid... Well the fact was that the first was diagnosed at 2 yrs old, and she had just had the second child 9 months after, and was pregnant again at the time... She often told people that she wanted autistic kids because they were much kinder and loving than strangers who asked such stupid mean questions. I am so sorry Mauzy that you had to listen to such stupid people, and their cruel comments.
There are some really stupid people! I don't know how they can think the platitudes are helpful or comforting. But the woman in the grocery line must be the most stupid one there has ever been. Sometimes it's hard to be kind and compassionate. Your answer was great! I would never have thought that quickly... Wow!
Wow, that's the dumbest, most hurtful and insensitive thing I've EVER heard anyone say to another. I'm so sorry for that, Mawzy. I would have socked her. You exhibit such grace that I can never seem to muster. I think of great things to say later and just lie around sniveling about stuff like that. I had a son with bi-polar disorder. He was always getting into trouble of some sort....into a lot of drugs and alcohol at a young age. One day on the golf course we were talking about his latest escapades (four of us were playing) and one of the men asked so simply and innocently, "do you think it's just bad genes?". I blew my cool. Put my clubs in the bag on the back of my cart, didn't say a word and drove back to the clubhouse and went home. No one said anything about it and left the subject alone from then on. My husband said I was a poor sport and had embarrassed him by leaving him there without his own clubs. My son took his own life at 21 a few years later.
Mawsy i agree that was the most insensitive comment i have heard. but you handled it like a pro. Stuntgirl that is so very sad, i am sorry for your pain. divvi