Today has been one hell of a different day. Over the past year I have been frightened, lonely, depressed, outcast, sad and tearful, hurt.....somewhat angry over the way I've been treated by family. But today..........I don't know what you'd call it. I have been in the very thrawls of just plain ANGER. My daughter sent me a text that said "don't bother me anymore" or something to that effect. Next, two texts.....One admonishing me for not visiting my husband for a year and not bringing him home (duh, does anyone here remember everything I've done just to FIND him, much less wrangle with the legal mess my kids created around it to get him home?!).....another saying that all I've done is just bring him home only to put him back in the hospital and get him into another nursing home. Now, another text message telling me that the reason no one has called here is because they don't want to hear my voice. I knew she would never pick up her phone knowing it was me callling...I left voice mail though and a lot of it. I told her that I didn't want to tell her that her dad was in the hospital because I didn't want it to upset anyone. Explained that I had taken her dad to his PCP (wonder if they even know what that means?) to have his meds adjusted because HE WAS BEATING ME UP PHYSICALLY . Explained that because the doc was so alarmed upon seeing my bruises and gashes, HE WAS ORDERED TO THE PSHYC FACILITY and it wasn't my choice. Explained he'd be discharged soon. In the end, (after all I've endured from these spiteful creatures), I told her I loved her, but to consider herself an orphan. She and the others who have participated in this theater would never have access to either her father or myself again. Until she and the others can make a sincere attempt at making amends, we are no longer her family. Perhaps one day she will need me and remember she had a mother and have some regrets. I won't always be around. I am so tired of being manipulated. Today was the END. I have a new life to lead and I feel like the first day of it is just about to happen.
It amazes me how close family sometimes had no idea of the mental and emotional distress that they can put us through. It further amazes me that some members of a family can and will inflict such stress on a caregiver who is doing everything they can do both physically and financially to take care of our LO and their LO. You have enough on your shoulders without some thoughtless member of your family adding to your already deep distress.
If these family members know so much about what we should be doing to care for our LO, they should be given the opportunity to take over the job themselves. They will always refuse.
Life is so much easier for the caregiver if the family can all agree and work together and do what is necessary to care for their ADLO.
You are right to try to get as many of these people who only generate additional stress out of your life. It's always difficult to be at odds with other members of the family, but if they add to our stress and create problems for us they need to be told to stay away and leave us alone.
I am so thankful that my three wonderful stepchildren are so supportive of me and will do anything they can to help me out. I always talk with them and get their input before I make any major decisions concerning their mother and my DW. It always helps to know that we all agree on the steps we are taking.
I know that she won't listen, but the truth is that YOU did not put him into the hospital. HIS DOCTOR put him into the hospital. And if the doctor didn't do it, the police would have done it at some point.
In sickness and in health doesn't mean you need to put your life at risk.
Sometimes when I read the posts I am so glad I/we don't have children or siblings to contend with. Whatever I do for DH will be my decision and no-one elses. It could be a long time before I have to do anything, if I could just get him to remember it would be back to normal.
There is a saying that really fits this. "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family." Its interesting that family is who we most want to understand and support us but they are often also the ones that fail us the most. I have been badgered, yelled at, verbally pushed around, told I am incompetent and should not be taking care of my husband and all kinds of goodies by various family members. I don't think that they really understood the full scope of what was happening to him. I have also been blessed with some family members who have been very supportive and that has made all the difference.
There are no easy answers to the family situations, sometimes they have to disappear out of our lives for us to move sucessfully forward.
Jen, you are doing the best you can for him, we understand as we are going through the same disease. It is okay to dump the toxic people out of your life so you can concentrate on him. ((hugs))
Thank you , therrha and all the rest of you for your support. To dismiss my children and tell them to consider themselves 'orphans' now, was the hardest thing to do. Also, I thought it out before I said it....so, it wasn't done in hast. I've thought about what to say to those people for a long, long, time. Thanks for the hugs!! I need them, even the 'virtual' ones!
I think you should reconsider before dismissing your children from your life & telling them they should consider themselves orphans. This couldn't have been easy for them either.