Well, I took the big bite and came through the other end of detox and some emotional healing I needed to experience in a hospital environment. Took two weeks, but every minute however uncomfortable was worth it. Thank you all for your encouragement and prayers. Came home with my own new "bill of rights". First on the list is that I have the right to friends of my own.....male and female. John's over the edge that I have male friends (calls them my lovers) and is convinced I'm up to something. Thing is, I'm a sportsman (hunter,shooter) and who else is gonna hunt and target practice with me??? Always been a Tom-Boy, so i like that stuff. Update: John has become suddenly worse and is drinking a lot that I didn't know about. He became very abusive this past week, threatening to kill me, detailing how he'd do it and just general nasty language. I got the police involved and they ended up taking him to the hospital. He's currently in the "memory care unit". One of my daughters arranged for his twin sister to take him in for a few weeks. Just don't want him home any time soon. I don't know what would change. He's very confused and disturbed. Actually, I want him to go into an assisted living place. He cries that he wants to come home to me. Honestly, I'm just trying to hold MYSELF together and don't want to find myself back on narcotics to medicate my self. HOW DO I APPROACH THE IDEA THAT I DON'T WANT HIM BACK HOME??? Should I have the doctors intervene on my behalf and stay small, back in the background? Comments welcome, whoever's been there.
Just my opinion, but I wouldn’t want somebody back either if they had been threatening my life. And with dementia, there’s always the very real chance that they could carry through with the threat. Please take this very, very seriously.
I guess your post struck a nerve with me. Words just started popping up in my head. So here they are--just some things that have been floating around in my head, but seem to apply to your situation somewhat.
I am a firm believer that there are times when I have to just stop and say that if I am going to survive, then there are some things I have to have. I don’t mean things like vacations in Paris and designer clothes. I mean things like being entitled to a safe and somewhat peaceful life in my own home, and a right to consider my own mental and physical requirements in my decision making--and the right to stand up for myself and tell people what my requirements are. We have the right to set some boundaries on things that affect us, even if we are trying to be good caregivers. That doesn’t mean that we are being selfish. It means that we are trying to survive.
I am doing my very, very best to take care of my husband and provide him with what he needs. But—and this is a very big “but”—I came to a point where I realized that I didn’t care if I was a caregiver, I was still entitled to consider myself sometimes, too. I was still entitled to pursue some sort of a life for myself and make plans for the life I still hope to have a chance at.
It seems to me that the emotional abuse that some caregivers have to deal with is enough to decimate them, even without any threats or physical abuse. I think that at some point we are entitled to say “this is all I can handle”—because it IS all we can handle. Some days the mental and physical requirements of caregiving threaten to buckle my knees and break my heart, and that’s without active threats like you have received.
I congratulate you on getting through detox. I wonder what the professionals there would say about your home situation and the stress that it is causing you. I ask that because I think these people have your best interests in mind, whereas usually the only interests that seem to be considered are those of our loved ones who have dementia.
Several years ago my wife M was having scary manic depressive fits. She was close to violence and said terrible things to me. I asked her doctor for an antidepressant to smooth out her moods and he prescribed 10 milligrams of Paxil. It worked! That little white pill even has an inexpensive generic. The alternative was some sort of impossibly expensive institutional care.
I'm a shooter also. I've been into air guns for the last few years so I can practice at home. Sadly, I can't leave M at home alone for a day while I'm out shooting sporting clays anymore. Take a look at the air forum at http://www.network54.com/Forum/79537/ I keep my guns out of sight and locked up so M can't get into trouble with one.
It sounds like you've reached the point where he can no longer come home because it is not safe for YOU for him to come home. Since he is in a locked unit now, the people running that unit ought to be able to help you find a permanent place for him. Talk to them.
Great to see you back and posting. Congratulations on doing something very positive just for YOU! You deserve some peace.
I think getting BOTH yours and John's Doctors involved is going to work for you. That's important. If he's going to be labile, and potentially dangerous then he needs to be in an environment other than yours. You deserve to feel safe.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!! You did a mighty big thing for yourself. I found that I had a breaking point and have to take care of ME first. If I don't, nothing will work. Now that he is out of the home and you don't think it is wise for him to return, let the professionals do their job. They will send him home, if you don't let them know it isn't good. That is the easiest for them. Hospitals have Social Workers who are in charge of discharge planning and have lots of resources in the community. I have - in the past - always tried to be cooperative, make things easy for others, take on more than I can handle. I have learned that by standing my ground, it makes others go into action. I hope this works for you. Welcome back. I have been praying for you and hoping you were doing well. You were sick so you had to go to the hospital - now you are out but not well yet - you are recuperating. If you had broken your leg, you would be home with your leg in a cast with your leg propped up and do "light duty" until it healed. Just because our emotions can't be seen like a broken leg doesn't mean that they are totally intact. Take care of yourself. You deserve it. I don't mean to sound harsh - I am just trying to share my experiences and what I have learned from them.
I did the opposite when DH aggressive behaviour started to esculate to the point where I became concerned for my safety. I moved out and into an apartment and what a god send! I have my own haven where the only person that has lived here is me and not the family. I have things around me that I choose to have and I now have peace. I still call and go out to the cabin and check on him and if he start to become mad I now have some place to go. So I say to you look after yourself what ever it takes and embrace the peace that is now yours.
One other thing that I notice that I am doing and am going to stop is drinking. Meaning that when I go out to the cabin I drink and I think it is to get me through the visit and steady my nerves. When I am at the apartment I don't drink at all....interesting eh.
Amber...yeah, sounds like you're medicating when you're at the cabin, in that stress zone. I was "medicating" for six years (maybe longer), using more and more. Fortunately alcohol was never a problem. For me, leaving home is NOT an option. My living is here (small farm, my studio). So......how do I tell him he's not coming home??? This is a real problem. My children hate me now. Any ideas, anyone? I was thinking of leaving it up to some social worker at the hospital.
I had the help of his psychologist to get it through to him that my leaving was the best thing for both of us right now. It was interesting that when the doctor became involved and reaffirmed that I needed to be safe then he was fine with it.....well to a point. So now he is doing everything to get 'better'. I know he will never be 'better' but if he needs to think that way then I'm not going to discourage him.
I didn't mean for you to leave home I was just tellig my story. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
Amber...no misunderstanding. This 'not coming home' thing is getting to me. He called maybe 15 times yesturday telling me how much he misses me and loves me...that I'm his world. Promises he'll change and get better. But, I need to feel safe in my home.....I know he'll never get better, only worse. Everything would be the very same as soon as he came home, I know.
StuntGirl: I wouldn't tell him he's not coming home, just keep putting things off as much as possible. Are your children adults? If so, maybe they'd like to have him in their home for a while. It's always easier to tell others what they should be doing than to do it yourself. You have to live it before you understand it.
Bettyhere.....my girls are all grown women. No, no one has volunteered any help with Dear Dad. No one believes the verbal threats to my life and the paranoia about my having male friends that I shoot with and go hunting with. To him, there's something going on. The girls believe their dad. You're right about having to live it to understand it. I read somewhere that this is kind of like walking on a tight wire up in the sky with all the "well meaning" watchers offering their advice from the ground!
My doctor told my husband that he had to be out of the house or else she wouldn't discharge me from the hospital. It was such a relief that someone in authority took control and dealt with him. He went and stayed with my daughter for three weeks. It gave me some time to get on my feet and find the fortitude that I needed. Good luck. Don't do more than you think you can do - I always crash and burn when I do that. Good luck
You need to turn this over to the professionals. If your daughters don't understand why their Dad is not going home from the hospital, let the doctors and social workers explain it to them.
My daughter and son-in-law have spent enough time with my husband that they know and understand how he is. I've gone public with my nephews and I think they also understand although neither of them have seen him. At this point I don't have to make those decisions, but I think when I do I ought to be OK. I think I understand where you are right now because both of my nephews were in denial until I told them exactly how I was sure it was dementia and not something else that could be fixed.
Each of us who are caregivers need to remember to take care of ourselves first. We are all entitled to basic safety, and to stay healthy.
Thank you, Starling. I'm really struggling with this 'coming home' issue this morning and am desperate to talk to the doctors and social workers. I get tearful phone calls at all hours from him, wondering why I don't come get him to bring him home.