I have a strong personal conviction that I am doing what I should be doing. Marriage vows aren't really a factor but my Christian beliefs are! You have heard me espouse the "Happy" objective and that is really important to me. AD must really be tough on the patient, but, they probably don't know if they are happy or not. But to me, I like to see Carol happy. I agree that a NF could become a happy place in just a few days or weeks. But the first few weeks scares me to death. I never had much luck respon ding to a crying female, espedcially Carol. I have LTC Ins. but it only works for a "Nursing Home" with a clause that we could come up with an alternate plan after she takes the first step of being p-laced. I know I will continue to be a caregiver after placement but the whole thing really scares me.
Also, I not really looking forward to an opportunity to have a new female partner. My medications have killed my sex drives and my real missing ingredient is conversation and social activities. The male domino table out under the big Oak tree is what I will look forward to. Or do some "Letter to the Editors" or responding to authors on their books, or articles or comentators. But I do not desire another female companion at this time. Maybe I will change someday but certainly not right now.
Earlier today, I was feeling pretty bad, but I notice that it didn't involve wanting a girlfriend to sleep with, but rather wanting someone to just love me and hold me, and tell me that they will always be here for me. Am I finally growing up? I don't know...maybe tomorrow I'll want a roll in the hay as well. It all goes back to the fact that what I got married for I don't have any more, and am back in high school again (but not 16 again).
My Dh is on Medicaid under the Medicaid Waiver prpogram here in Michiggan and has been since Dx. They looked at the household inome and at his income alone. Even though I was working part time at home (netting $100 a week) in addition to my Soc. Sec. Disability, he qualified. Under it they consider his income (then Soc. Sec. Dis./now Soc Sec) for his support (then about $640/ now $698). Medicaid pays his Part A & B premiums, coordinates with Part D, and covers what Medicare doesn't. Even when his baby pension kicked in it didn't affect his eligibility. The fact my job disappeared last Oct. didn't affect his coverage either. Qualifying for any other Social Service help (Food Stamps for example) they look at total household income for 2 people and we get zero or just a wee bit more--not worth the papework to do.
That's what most of us want, T-Joe, male/female, someone to love us, someone to hold. You'd think with most feeling that way, it'd be easy, but I don't think it is, and serial relationships are not for everyone. For many of us, it's better to have loved and lost (to AD) than to never have been loved at all. Maybe when you've had that precious gift, you feel the loss and want it again. But we all change, I think it'd be hard to have the same thing again--maybe--but 70 is not 20.
Our vowes I believe, are for sickness and in health, for better or for worse. And I believe that's for either or both. Having said that, I'll say that sometimes placeing a spouse in a NH is the best way to care for them. Each situation is different and what is right for one may not be right for another. In some situations it can be unsafe for the spouce to be at home. Right now I feel it's best for DH at home, latter that may change.
He cared for me 9 years ago when I had cancer. I recovered and now I feel it's only right that I care for him as long as I can. He told me early on to place him when I felt the time was right and that he trusted me to do the right thing by him.
I did place him for a short time around the first of the year. It wasn't a good fit and I don't think he would be here today if I had of left him there. I now have in home health services that helps me with him 6 days a week and a friend on 2 days a week. If it wasn't for this help I might have to place him somewhere else but I can handle him right now.
I wouldn't judge anyone for placing their LO. Every situation is different and only someone there could know.
I'm not facing placement right now, but I did try out day care a couple of months ago for one 4 hour period. Like Gail who tried out placement and then decided that wasn't the right thing to do at that particular time, I decided it was too soon for day care.
Not quite the same thing, but close enough that I think I understand most of what the people who are close to needing placement are going trough.
Every situation is different. There are situations where placement even at an early stage is necessary, where the caregiver is at risk. There are situations where placement at the last stages is not necessary or even a good idea, especially where hospice is in place and working. We get there when we get there if we get there. And at least here there are people who will understand no matter what choices we make or are faced with.
FayeBay - your husband is a good example of what may happen that would necessitate placement. My FIL is that way. When my MIL died in 2001, because he was a 'runner' we had no choice but to place him. He could escape anything that was put on the door. He still walks the hallways and tries the doors, but the nurses have to push a button for them to open.
I really glad to found a good place for him - a place that is good for you too because it gives you peace and the ability to still caregive and love him.
My DH is no where near ready for a NH and I pray every day that he is taken before then. I really don't know if I could physically care for him if he becomes bedridden. I'm not even sure I could care for him if he becomes incontinent. I have COPD. I don't drive anymore and if he were in a NH, how would I get there to visit him on a regular basis. We've been married almost 60 years and it scares me to think about it. So, I try not to think about it. Yet, I do think about it all the time.
I had a security system installed a month ago. If he opens the door, an alarm goes off. I turn it off and explain that it only happens when he opens the door. We go out in the back yard together and he wanders around but I really don't want him in the front. He's pretty careful but forgetful. I worry about the traffic.
Today I was working in my rose garden. I could only work out there weeding, pruning, for 15-20 minutes at a time before I had to stop, use my oxygen and rest. At the rate I'm going it will take me a week to finish. But, that's ok. I'm not going anywhere so it doesn't matter.
I don't have problems like some of you do. I just get concerned and then I worry. Foolish woman. :)
I'm with bille in that I want my wife's last years to be as stress-free as possible and want her to remain at home as long as she is able, hopefully to the end of her life. She has made a lot of sacrifices for me and our family and I can make sacrifices for her now. We are fortunate in that we both have a pension and I can afford to hire someone to help with caregiving when that time comes. At one time we lived on poverty level income and I could easily do that again if necessary.
That said, as others have pointed out, we can't predict what turns this disease will take and what our situation will be at that time. I find it comforting to hear that spouses are making good adjustment in nursing homes.
I'm not a religious person but I like this from Ecclesiastes:
"Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun."
Finances rule everything. There is no doubt in my mind about that. No matter how horrible an experience life throws at you, the breaking point is having to worry about having your home forclosed on or the electricity shut off while you are dealing with a family crisis. I may be way off base here, but my opinion is that men who have had long, lucrative careers, in part or totally because their wives helped/sacrificed by putting up with their long hours and absences from home, and are now financially secure, are much more able to have the calm, "I will make her life as easy as possible now" attitude. To their credit, they understand and appreciate all of work that goes into keeping a household and family together, as their wives did for them, and they are ready and able to give back to her in the form of caregiving and nurturing.
Women, on the other hand, have GENERALLY (not always - I'm not trying to sterotype) spent their lives caring for others - their children, their parents, their husbands. Many have worked full time in addition to their caring roles and running a household. By the time they need to care for a husband who needs bathing, changing, lifting, and constant watching, they are pretty well worn out, and have let their own health go. Thus, with some guilt, a lot of anguish and heartbreak, they opt for placement to ease their physical burden. Money rules here also. If the money is plentiful, many will opt to hire 24/7 care in the home.
Mawzy – It sounds to me like you have plenty of problems. It’s not foolish to be concerned or worry about the things you are talking about, like how you would be unable to drive to visit your DH in a nursing home, or how you physically couldn’t care for him if he needs more help. Those are the things that disturb our sleep and prey on our minds when we are awake. For me, sometimes it seems like all the worrying is harder than the actual care right now. When you are already doing just about all that you can manage to do, it’s hard to think about managing when things get harder down the road.
You are right, Joan. Finances are critical. I also understand that I am not having to deal with the verbal aggression and physical threats that many of you face. Thanks again for providing this forum.
Yes, the verbal and physical abuse is a deal breaker. No one signed on for that, and even though it is "the disease" talking and punching, the pain and broken bones are real. No one vowed - "I will allow my self to be beaten up", disease or no disease.
Did I really say in sickness and in health, richer or poorer, till death do we part?? Wow....is there any chance that my marriage license can be revoked??? or does it expire??
When Jim and I renewed our vows recently, we said the for richer or poorer (now), better or worse (now), in sickness (now) and in health, NOW AND FOREVER. We never mentioned to be abused and abuse. We have discussed at length, that because of what he has read on the FTD Website, that he WANTS me to place him before I get hurt trying to care for him. This according to him, includes physical strain and GOD Forbid, physical or verbal abuse. This is the man I have trusted with my life, I will act according to his wishes and place him when it is no longer safe for me in any way. THEN I WILL CONTINUE TO LOVE, CARE AND SUPPORT him in the safe enviornment of an memory impaired placement.