I used to love to converse w/dh. He knew so much on so many topics. I was always the serious one and he planned the "good life". Vacations, impromptu dinners, little getaways- all his doing. As his time with this nasty disease has progressed, I find I have less and less to say. He says little and I do believe that he has moments (my sister calls them angel kisses) that he understands me but how many ways can I say the same thing? With normal living, we don't feel compelled to speak all the time but I know socializing is very important. He does not see, uses voice recognition to determine who people are. He is in yet a 3rd new facility in 1 1/2 months so he's been through alot. He had a little stroke which affected his speach. I try to tell him what has been happening in my "little life" but somehow I don't think he cares that I got a manicure/pedicure and brows waxed today. I did tell him Dad had chemo but aside from the weather, he can not really converse. I do believe this is what I miss the most-intelligent conversation. I tell him I spoke to our daughter but he doesn't remember her without hearing her voice. We talk about the weather, his food I am feeding him, people he knew that died or had something eventful happen but then, what else is there to say. I've been doing this for so long, I am at a loss for words and believe me, that has never been a problem for me (hence, the very long comments I often make-sorry you guys). What do the rest of you say to your loved ones when they are in the later stages? I really need your feedback. Thanks.
My DH is in stage 5, maybe some stage 6. The last several days he hasn't said more than a dozen words to me. I noticed today about noon that his speech was slurred. It scared me and I asked him if he was ok. He said he was fine, just sleepy. The slurred speech didn't last too long.
Then later this afternoon he went outside and came back in all excited. He was trying to tell me that it was a good thing he checked. "That post out by our mail box was open."
I asked if he was talking about the mail box. No, it was the post. There is no post. There had been a 'for sale' sign on a post on the house next door for some time but it came down yesterday. I still couldn't figure out what he was talking about. He got quite aggitated--pulling at his hair, doubling his fists and punchingthe air...
I finally figured out that the garage door had been open and he closed it.
This sounds like he's geting worse. And I don't know what to talk about with him.
The lack of conversation is one of the loneliest parts (for us) of the disease. I am bringing to the top a long discussion we had previously on this topic, but I would love to hear from all the new people who were not here for that discussion.
Hi Kathryn, Like you and your dh John and I never lacked for conversation.That's one of the things I miss most. Since he does not initiate anymore I do as you and fill him in on the little everyday things. I guess this is more for our benefit than theirs. Most of the time he merely parrots what has been said to him. I did learn not to be specific in the way I ask questions. For example if I ask "What did you have for lunch?" he dosen't answer. If I ask "How was lunch?" he will usually say "Lunch was very good." Six months ago John made comments and obsevations about what was going on around him, but no more. I know he is still processing more than he can express because once in a while he will tell me a piece of gossip about another resident. Yesterday a lady rolled her wheelchair to Johns doorway and he said "You look nice today." He dosen't respond the way he used to but I'll keep talking just in case I'm getting through. cs
As I have said before my DH isn't too bad but having a conversation with him is a one time subject. If I mention the same subject the next day chances he won't remember. His main topics are sports and they are not something I want hear especially as he can go on and on! I guess I should be glad because I am sure there will come a day he won't remember any of it. Right now there are times he can't remember the name of the athlete or the team he is on so I try to figure out who he is talking about. It's a good thing I am brain washed about sports. lol.
Conversation with DW has besome very difficult, we have been unable to carry on a conversation for several months. I go visit her in the NF about three times a week, we talk about the weather, lunch, breakfast and the Doctor at the NF. Last Saturday when I visited her, she was more interested in looking at the NASCAR races on the TV in the community room. I asked when she became a NASCAR fan, she told me "since I moved here, we watch it a lot". She has never cared anything about the NASCAR races. She told me she is now a "spy" and her job is to watch what is going on around the NF. She is very calm now, she doesn't take any medications that would calm her other than Namenda and Abilify.
If the weather is nice I will take her up to the big outdoor patio and sit outside with her. We talk about the sky, birds and the flowers around the courtyard. she has quit asking about the dogs and sometimes calls me by her first husband's name. She is declining very rapidly. It is heartbreaking to see her going through these stages so fast.
My husband was never good at conversation. Going to restaurants with him was always kind of sad because I could hear the other couples and families talking to each other while they waited for their food, and we were always quiet. I'd try to start conversations with him, and sometimes it even worked.
Now, there is no longer any way to have a conversation about anything. And it is even more lonely.
My husband also uses the wrong words for basic things and has been doing that for a long time. The mail, newspapers and the garbage all have the same word, and it changes from time to time, so I'm not always sure what he is talking about. Mawzy's experience with the garage door sounded very typical of what is going on around here as well.
My DH doesn't really talk anymore (an occassional word only). I thought I was running out of things to say to him and had often just sat with him holding his hand. However a friend visited him with me the other day and she talked and talked with him telling him about all kinds of things going on in her life, her husbands, her fathers, her kids..... I noticed that he perked up after listening to her so I have been talking to him. I don't know how much he understands but I think he likes to hear the sound of my voice so I will keep talking to him and see how it goes.
I did tell him a couple of stories about the cat and he seemed to really enjoy those (this is the cat without front claws that climbs trellis to the roof, trees, etc.) It might have just been my tone but if it gives him a bit of joy, it is a good thing.
My husband does not speak at all and rarely shows any reaction when spoken to (he lost his ability to speak long before the other symptoms appeared. For 5 years he was an otherwise healthy man who could not talk). In fact people talking seems to annoy him. I sometimes wonder if it isn't because he wants to take part in the conversation and can not so he tunes it out I always did tell him that he didn't put his 2 cents worth in, he put a quarters worth in.
my DH speaks usually jibberish if hes trying to make sentences -he seems to know what hes saying:) but if i ask him yes or no or say something and ask is this what youre saying, he will emphatically answer yes or no. today his best friend called him today and asked if he could 'speak' with DH of course i said, and put it up to his ear. this friend had an AD mother and knows what we are going thru.. so he knows the ropes. he just started talking about stuff and on and on and DH just listened and smiled so big.. and would interact a yes or no.. this friend could care less if he can talk or not but gave him a chance to listen and be his friend. this is what its all about, a REAL friend. i thanked him for calling and told him DH doesnt remember me at times but he always knows this friends full name:) he was overwhelmed with emotion. so point is, even though they cant converse, just say whatever and talk talk talk,and i bet they are listening! divvi
Tonite, we had dinner with friends from the zoo. Six of the eight of us had been to Peru together, so we know each other and pull together for each other whenever we can. They were quite happy to have Lincoln come. THey hadn't' seen him in a few years. Well, he enjoyed himself. Was talkative, made sense most of the time, ate well, and they were so sweet to him. It was raining, which made getting in and out difficult with his walker, etc, but they helped. It really touched me.
Saw dh today and it was rather good. We were fortunate to have to fill out the menus for next week and I asked him his choices- simply. He laughed a little when I teased him about some of the food that I knew he hated. He knew me and tried to talk as much as possible. Gives me kisses and has tried to stand again. They no longer need to use the hoyer lift on him!! Speech therapist stopped by to say she feels he is eating well and answers appropiately when he does answer. She is waiting to see if rehab helps any with motor skills. I know he had a stroke when he was transferred to this nh so there is hope that some if the loss may return. I am so hoping he will walk enough so I can take him for a ride and to the drs of my choice. (That is another story for another discussion that I have yet to start-but I will). New experiences will make it easier to find things to talk about.
Conversation is essentially over. And this is only stage 4 (roughly.) He will ask me about what the kids are up to, because he doesn't remember, and I answer, omitting details that might pose a concern for him. Or we discuss little things like "Here's today's paper. Look at the nice 'house of the week' on the front. It's Victorian. You'll like it." He asks me for people's names, stuff like that. We go out for lunch frequently, just for a change of scenery, and don't talk beyond "would you like part of my ciabatta roll?"
Conversation with Jeff was one of the richest aspects of my life, so it is greatly missed. I think I will have to change living situations if this is going to stretch out for years to come, as it appears it is. I don't know how I will do that, since I need the house for the young adult/college kids to come and go from for now. And my mom needs me nearby (Dad has Parkinson dementia,) my sister is a few miles down the road and needs occasional babysitting for her small kids, etc, etc. But I REALLY should live in a community housing situation so I don't go crazy and I'm not sure how to arrange that.
I know what you mean emily. Our daughter read him a funny story this evening, with animation, and he just grinned. Used to he would have really enjoyed it and laughed out loud. I told daughter later, that was one of the things I missed most about this situation. No one to enjoy a comic strip, movie, joke,etc. They just don't "get it" anymore.
I take him out to eat often and you are already doing that. I have some respite help so I can go to the library, shopping etc. and I greatly enjoy that. shoegirl suggested I take a online class from a college and that really appealed to me so next week I am going to start looking in to that. Maybe try one on line then next do one at the local community college with one to one and "conversation". Would any of that appeal to you?
Imohnr.....DO IT! I've decided to return to my own education , on line at first and then to James Madison University or Christopher Newport here in Virginia. My dh is so against my doing this.....is so afraid I'll "meet" someone. Oh, well. He put me in this position, I've always been a wife and mommy and now at 54 I find that I need an education to support myself one day soon.
I found a bit of help with communication when I happened upon a magazine in the nh. It was a Martha Stewart and so as I flipped through and commented, dh focused and sometimes responede. At least it was better than our usual dribble. The waether has been better the last 2 days so getting him outside to the patio and talking about nature helps too. He loves animals and birds. Maybe this will help someone else struggling to "talk".
My DH voice was extra low and of course strung out and garbled, this morning and I kept telling him I couldn't hear him. Either my hearing was getting worse or he wasn't talking loud enough. After a while of this, he told me it wasn't him with the problem, it was me with the problem on not paying attention while he was talking......Lot of truth in that. When they string out their sentences and thoughts while saying a sentence my mind tends to have trouble concentrating on the words. But, he still was not talking very loud. Just another day in the life of an AD spouse.
Same thing here.....I visit John in the hospital every day. My visits last about an hour and a half in the evening. There's simply not anything eventful in my life to talk about for hours. He's not interested in reading or watching the news on television with everyone else. Doesn't want to walk with me. (He just wants to talk about sex and what he wants to do to me when we get home, or RIGHT THERE IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM!) I've mentioned this before on another thread and found out that its one of the phases they go through. It was mentioned in someone's response that there is medication to quell his unwanted "desires and advances". I don't want to seem cruel, but with the incontinence issue, his lack of hygeine, and memories of the ugliness he has shown me in the recent past, I'm just "not in the mood". Ya know?
I can identify with that one Stunt Girl, went to visit DW at the NF yesterday afternoon. She went into a rant about going home, my dumping her off at the nursing home, my wanting to get rid of her, my affairs and she brought out the fact that we hadn't made love for over six months. I don't know which calendar she is using but it isn't the same as mine, my calendar says it's been over two years ago.
Your are right, I can't deal with the lack of cleanliness, all of the rants and accusations and the depends, not to mention the fact that this woman is no longer the woman I married. Oh well, maybe one day "My Day Will Come" (another theme song)?
I have noticed a new communications issue. My wife will ask a question and it is like she does not understand what I said. She will re ask the question differently but I will give her the same answer. I do not think the issue is her forgetting that she just asked the question it is like she can not comprend the answer
My husband still tries to talk with me. He keeps asking me questions, but the problem is that he talks so low, and my hearing isn't good anyway, and I seldom know what he is asking. It's useless to ask him to repeat, and he gets upset when I don't answer his questions, or worse yet, answer them wrong. If it's a "yes" or "no" question I figure I have a 50/50 chance of getting the answer right.
My DH is not yet in a nursing home, but I've been told by others in my former caregroup that they aren't cognizant enough to know if we have been there one hour or ten hours. Some say that the next day, they are accused of not coming by for weeks, when they left at 9 the night before after spending hours with their dear ones.
It's like "damned if you do and damned if you don't" scenario...and I feel really bad for all of you who are having to defend yourselves over their confusion. and although we know it is the 'disease talking', it's coming out of their mouths and it breaks one's heart to be talked to in such a harsh way, when we've spent years caring for and loving THEM.
Wish there was a prescription for a drug that would harden our hearts.
DH used to talk for hours on end. Our kids can remember us talking when we were doing anything. Now he only repeats the same thing over and over again. and I respond, 'yes,' ok' just drivvle. "Did you notice those pretty flowers on the porch?" Yes, I did. I planted them. How many times can I repeat, "yes they are very pretty."
Or, sure are glad our cat is such a nice cat. Over and over--maybe 20 or more times a day.
He does nsot like to go out to lunch or dinner. I don't know why. Probably because he can't really figure out the menu and doesn't want to ask.
We will survive! But in the meantime, I sure would like to have someone to talk to. I am really afraid I will go nuts or forget how to converse myself.
Very early in his disease, my husband lost the ability to communicate which was devastating to me. He was able to say yes, :I love you for a few years but just a word or two otherwise. When h e went to th e NH and I would visit, I would go through our albums of pictures, talk about th e pictures, go through books of pictures such as horses, dogs, etc. that he had loved. I would play his favorite music and sing along with the songs I noticed t hat when I would be having a conversation with other wives or relatives in the home, he would listen attentively as if he understood what we were conversing about. Sometimes the CNA would call me on the phone and I would talk to my DH as he listened. THe CNA told me that my husband would calm down and be more at ease after our phone call. He said it was because my sweetheart wanted to hear my voice.
Sometimes I would just hold his hands and talk about events long ago. HE seemed to like that.
exactly Doneit, yes, i think it is a small way to allow an uptake into our personal lives, starting out with a small place to 'checkin' daily. one topic away from AD struggles and all that encompasses. a couple of lines to people who want to still reach the real world while entrenched in the AD world. its a lonely place and being able to have a minimal contact daily with others helps ground us back to reality. divvi
Yes you hit a topic here I can relate to. Sometimes I may get more than one word as an answer and it shocks me when those little glimmers shine through. I find it hard to find much to talk about also. SOmetimes mention the weather or someone he knows, or something he used to like to do, but he doesnt chat much at all anymore.