Well, here I am back at square A........I took my husband in to see our PCP today. We sat down to discuss some of his complaints...back pain and his bent posture, (all kinds of other things attributable to AD, but he is in denial about his illness now)....and he wanted some Viagra. I mostly wanted to talk to the doc about medications to help subdue his tendancy toward aggressive behaviors and combativeness. I was worried that I would run out of the Seroquel because I have beefed up his dosage over the past few days. I showed her the bruises and scratches on my body. WHOA! She would NOT treat him, but insisted on calling an emergency team to take him to the hospital. She really understood that I was in danger and kidding myself that I could take care of him 24/7. Well, he doesn't remember any of that behavior, or says he was protecting himself. (?) They took him away kicking and screaming, calling me those names again, yellling "F---k you ALL!" all the way out. How embarrassing. I came home and got his meds in a bag, papers showing my POA, etc. and was allowed in to the room in the ER where he currently lay. Soon as he saw me, he became unglued. Screaming at me, every obscenity he could muster. I wanted to cuddle him and let him know that his interment there would only be for the few days it may take to stablize him with medications, to make him more manageable for me to take care of him safely. I'm so embarrassed about all the tales he has to tell about my imagined sexual escapades. He thinks I go out on dates after he goes to sleep. I'm young and he's an old, sick man, 80 years old. Why wouldn't people believe that I'm cheating on him. I feel so guilty. I fought so hard to bring him home with me and now, because I was honest with his doctor about his outbursts, he's back in the hospital, in the psychiatric wing. I'm sure he'll never trust me anymore and probably develop a hatred of me. I've spent the last two days getting his Medicare and supplemental insurance back in place here in Virginia and his teeth worked on. (he got VERY upset with the dental hygenist and she could only take care of one quarter of his mouth. He was so nasty to her). I don't think he's brushed his teeth or that anyone has helped him do so in months. I've not been able to take care of much of our 'financials', things I need him to talk to people about and sign in front of a notary....transfers of accounts, reassigning beneficiary of a small annuity, etc. I've only been doing what I need to do to take care of HIM. Not doing much to think of myself and my position. Here I am, all alone, again. My parents called last night and said they would make the 3 hour drive up to visit me for a few days in order to give me some time alone to take care of business (lawyers, GET MY HAIR DONE!, buy me some groceries), but now I want to tell them not to come all this way. They're elderly and not well, themselves. I want to tell them to wait until John comes home from the hospital....THEN I will need some help. At least this week, I'll have the personal time to go to my NA meetings, attend my therapy groups, see my psychologist. I feel so lost. I've been able to accomplish so much to get John home. Now, I feel like such a failure. I just feel like giving up, but I won't . I just hope the doctors can help him with the proper medications...but not ZONK him out....so I can take him home. He should have been home with me all along and not in FLORIDA for the past year and a half. I feel like adding punitive charges to the lawsuit I plan to launch against his children.....for all the pain and mental anguish they've caused their father and me, who've wanted to be together for months now. I feel like I've missed out now on the little cognitive time he had to share with me. I know Alzheimer's patients don't 'get well'. But, I know that modern medications, properly managed, can make them FEEL better and make life easier for the caregiver. Oh, it's probably the devil in me, but I really hope this doesn't drag on and on. I feel like having a life after all of this is over and I want that so badly. I haven't really had a "true partner" in years. I want to feel what romance was all about way back 'in the day'. What's infatuation feel like? That first kiss? What's romance and longing for someone's touch? Now that his symptoms are so "out there" and obvious, the neighbors and our acquaintances say they've seen the change for several years. Sorry this was so long. Many of you have it much, much worse than this, and you are in MY prayers. Thanks for listening.
I'm saying prayers for you..........for peace and God's will, cuz I really do not know what else to say that is helpful. I think your heart is in the right place. This may actually be a blessing to have such an episode happen in an MD office, and the commital done by a professional. He may NOT have been receiving specialized medication management there in Florida, but simply "Warehoused." This may be exactly what was needed. So what if he is semi-zonked, it may be the ONLY way he is manageable.
Yes, during my visit to the nursing home and the one he was previously in a few months ago, I got the idea he was indeed being "warehoused". Absolutely NO physical therapy that was of any real use. He became bed-bound and frightened of even standing up. I'm a real task-master. I'm the same way when I teach children to ride.....I DO NOT act like a baby sitter for the hour! I've been making John do what I KNOW what he is able to accomplish on his own (with supervision, of course). I blame the nursing home for letting him become so fragile and weak that he isnt able to get around and is always, therefore, in so much pain. (I make him WORK his body)
Stuntgirl, Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you say a while back that you were bipolar/manic depressive? I was wondering if you are being treated for this and if you are taking medication for it. NA I assume is Narcotics Anonymous. I ask because this condition may be affecting your thinking and emotions.
Kitty....OH, YES, indeed I'm being treated for the bi-polar disorder! Actually, my meds are working so well that I actually MISS my manic episodes......I could get so much done on those jaunts!! Never really experienced extreme lows until I faced this jungle of emotions I'm going through with an alz. spouse and a very disfunctional family. I have my narcotics addiciton in check....VERY confident of recovery. I have tremendous support out there. NEVER want to go back to that junk! My habit was very expensive and corrosive to my body and sound mind. I now take Prozac, Cymbalta and Clonazapam (for the panic attacks I experience). Fortunately, alchohol isn't a problem or substitute drug. LOTS of counselling, too.
I'm so glad to know that you were able to get him some help, the medication adjustment could take as long as two weeks. It should insure that he is placed on the right medications. I hope you will think about the position you now find yourself in and consider placing him in a nearby nursing facility. Talk with the case worker and/or the social worker at the hospital, they can help you work through this process. If he needs 24/7 care the nursing facility may be the best solution.
We all hate to think of placing our loved ones, but when they become dangerous to themselves and others, it is time to place them. I have just gone through a similar situation with my DW. Now I know I waited to long, we never should have brought her home from the hospital and tried to care for her, I was an impossible situation even with in home help.
You are not alone, you are surrounded by all of your good cyber friends tonight, It's a shame we can't all get together tonight and have a few drinks, enjoy some some good conversation and have a great time together.
I'll go pour myself a wee dram of Scotch (single malt) and raise my glass to all of my cyber friends here. Cheers \_/ ;-D
Stuntgirl, Don't worry about the things your husband said-they have heard it all and are too busy doing their jobs to "judge" you!
Remember, you know where he is, you can visit him, and you can talk to the doctors about his care and those are things you didn't have before. Please take this time to take care of you. You have had an unbelievable task in getting him home and we have all been pulling for you. My DH has been in the psych unit a few times, and not always voluntarily, but it was best for him and best for me. It is the best place to get his meds adjusted and to relieve his anger and frustrations.
Wait and see how he does with some good "doctoring"! Then, after he has some appropriate medication, you can decide, with the help of his doctors, what is best for both of you.
Please ask to speak with a social worker at the hospital to guide you along.
I know it sounds silly on my part, but try not to let his outbursts embarrass you. The medical personell know what's going on. The neighbors? May know what's going on. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Your job is to stay on your meds and attend your support group(s). You have to take care of yourself first and then him. That is almost a cliche now, isn't it.
Jen, you are doing an incredible job of following through, going after him, getting him home and now getting him the care he needs to get medication adjustments. Joan said it well in her log today about life not being fair. It isn't, we can only do the best we can with whatever hands we are dealt. You are doing that.
I didn't believe it when the doctor's office that I would know when it was the right time to place my husband or the right time to make changes in his care. I found out I did know and was able to do it. We war with our heads and hearts over what happens to our loved ones with this disease and yet, the answers are there. You have been through so much, it may be hard for you to listen and find the right road for him, but I believe you can do it. You have done so much already and come so far, you can do it. Trust yourself in this. Loving him means having him be where he is getting the right care whether that is with you or placed.
Stuntgirl, I have had to put my DH in a psych unit 3 different times. Each time they have done wonders for him. It has allowed me to be able to keep him at home with me much longer than I would have been able otherwise. Trust what the doctors advise you because they have both of your intrest in mind. I have you in my thoughts and prayers.
You are not alone - this site has helped me retain my sanity. I always appreciate your frank honesty. You seem to see situations for what they are and not sugar coat them. Sometimes I put myself in denial because it is more comfortable for the moment to delude myself into thinking that my AD husband really isn't that bad etc......That stinking thinking doesn't help either one of us or the situation. Use your medical resources, but also trust your first hand knowledge of the situation and find the treatments that seem right to you.
Sanity, serenity, adult conversation. How I miss them! This year and a half that John's been away in Florida has taught me a lot. I've grown from a pampered princess (never knew anything about household expenses, our financial situation, never had to make major decisions that effect my own or anyone else's welfare) to a thick skinned creature of some sort of gender who can actually think for herself. I'm getting a lot of help through therapist and other councellors. My parents are supportive. Even plan to restart my education, on-line through our local community college at first. Are you familiar with AA and NA's twelve step program? I've rewritten some of it to help me in my acceptance of the state of my life now. The first step states (and I'm replacing the words alcohol/drugs with ALZ), "We admitted we were powerless over ALZ, that our lives had become unmanageable". Also, the Serenity Prayer is helpful at times when I'm not so cynical. "God, grant me the serenity to acknowledge the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE". I use this board all the time.....dh now has a new thing to imagine about. He thinks I'm talking to my "lovers". I tell him he's RIGHT. I feel love and kinship here where I can find none anywhere else in my life right now. I don't know what's going to happen to me. My goal is to keep John home as long as I can. I know I can't afford a nursing home for him . AT ALL. Can afford no in home care. The visiting nurse from our local hospital came by yesterday and talked to me. Agreed that I'm up the creek without a paddle....or a life-jacket. Pretty dismal picture here. Busy getting the rest of his assets (miniscule!) in my name, all my ducks in a row. Lawyers, lawyers, more lawyers. This sounds absolutely cruel and satanic, but I've really been hoping that John is taken (soon) by something other than his ALZ. Maybe a stroke, heart attack.....hell, he'll probably out-live us ALL! (I know God's gonna get me for this one).
stuntgirl, you do have some major decisions to make. the first step is trying to get your DH's medications ironed out so you can TRY to manage him at home -if not you will have to do as others say and have him transferred to a facility. either way you should start proceedings to qualify him for medicaide with your elder atty. and you should address that 40k he owes in back taxes with the elder atty. that is no joke that you can afford to just not act on. they will try to collect by any means possible. including possible leins on your home/land. you should get some answers soon to be prepared. its a good idea to continue education if you can manage that. you will need your own income from what you are saying if DH has nothing left for you to live on afterwards. you have some time to get all these things done while hes in the facility. you need to have a firm plan in mind how you are going to get things done. divvi
Stuntgirl, it's good to know you are back. Please do your homework and get him qualified for Medicaid ASAP. He should be able to qualify. It is also possible the hospital may not realease him until they know that arrangements have been made to properly care for him. If they determine he needs 24/7 care they will not do an unsafe discharge. While you are talking with lawyers make yourself an appointment with an Elder Care Attorney, they will be able to help you navigate this maze. Don't take NO for answer call the Alzheimer's Association, they may be able to help you out or assist you in some manner.
You are doing a great job with this situation, keep up the good work. We are all pulling for you.