I see a wonderful therapist every week. I don't usually cry - I am pretty good at expressing my feelings tho. Today before my session, I just started sobbing, tears, etc. I couldn't wait to get there. She had never seen me this way before and asked what had happened. I told her nothing new, but I guess my "patience, stress, whatever" just filled me up by surprise. I apologized for being such a baby, feeling sorry for myself, etc. I KNOW there are so many people out there with problems so much bigger than ours.
She told me - and I want to pass it on - that it is OK to have a pity party. She said that there are times that we need to get on the throne of pity and let it out and reconize the real sadness that is created by AD. Now I knew that was ok for others, but me?...... She also told me that I am strong, that I have all the skills I need to deal with this and that I have to take charge.
Since my husband with AD is very high functioning in some areas, it drives me crazy trying to figure out what is AD and what are the things I am contributing to our situation to make it bad. Most times I just figure that I haven't made myself clear, that somehow I can make this situation better. Not take away the AD, but I have very unrealistic expectations of what I think my patience should be.
She said that the bottom line is that I have to decide what I can live with and set my environment the best I can for that to happen. I know I keep deferring to him, I don't want to make him mad, I don't want to take away his independence, etc.
Our latest saga has to do with his putting in a new front door - twice and now he wants to go on the roof and pressure wash it and paint the house. I KNOW that won't work, but I can't convince him. Now, I know that convincing him just isn't going to happen , but......I still want him to understand that I am not being mean but not wanting him to get on the roof etc.
He has a myriad of health issues, has neuropothy in his dominant hand, makes very poor decisions, is very clumsy. We have a metal roof and I just can't see him up there with the pressure washer hose. His doctor told him not to do it, but I guess my "denial" buys into his theory that he is still capable. She asked me how I would be able to process allowing him on the roof if he fell off - which he has already done before. It is a wonder it didn't kill him.
None of the info she gave me is new - all stuff I know. But is sure helps be stay focused and get more composure.
Thank you for letting me say this to all of you - it helps me make it more real and stick to a plan that is based in reality not wishful thinking. There is something wrong with his memory and reasoning button. I don't have to disable mine so he will be happy. That isn't smart thinking.
I just re read this - I have to run and look in the mirror to see if my head is still attached - HIM ON THE ROOF - THAT IS CRAZY!!!!!
"There is something wrong with his memory and reasoning button. I don't have to disable mine so he will be happy. That isn't smart thinking". Dagma-thank you for sharing your very powerful post. The line above could become our creedo
Dagma--My overriding concern since dx has been my husband's safety. Yes, I want him to be happy, perform up to his abilities, encourage him to do what he can, etc. However, there is no debate going on here inside my brain--safety is the primary issue. Just because he is high functioning in some areas (can still understand business and politics, contribute to a discussion, come up with relevant solutions) doesn't mean he can handle things in other areas. The image of your husband going up on a roof--well--if I was in your shoes, I would just have to put my foot down and forbid it. There may be no easy way to do that--he might have to think that you are mean--but the bottom line is, he needs to be safe.
Dagma, try to think of some kind of compromise. Is there someone around who can help him? It's coming up to school being out - what about a teenager. Or a younger neighbor who's out of work. Maybe they can't go up on the roof, but could be there to advise and consult - he might accept their word better than yours. Or get a pressure-washing company to come out and do it WITHOUT consulting him first. Tell him you won the lottery or something! (Our house is quite tall - full attic over two stories over a basement that's partly above ground so only professionals and my teenage son would ever think of going up there! )
Thank you for your feedback. AD not only messes with my husband's mind - I let it do a number on me. I wanted to share my therapy session to bring those issues more to my frontal lobe and not participate in the poor judgment that AD brings. Any talk of anyone coming to do anything is just not an option with him. I have gathered names of repair people and have been gently suggesting the notion. Getting on the roof is just not an option. I do need to put the priority of safety as the first "test" in an issue. Not his feelings or opinion. I guess we have reached another fork in the road.
Please remember that if you get someone to go up on the roof with him, and they are injured, you will have tremendous liability as well as the guilt for getting someone else involved in what is obviously unsafe and foolish. And the chance of someone being injured is pretty high, because WHEN your husband falls off the roof a helper will probably try to save him, and be hurt himself.
Yes, your statement "there is something wrong with his memory and reasoning button. I don't......" will become my mantra. I'm tempted to type it and post it on the mirror, but I guess that wouldn't be a reasonable act on my part. He "fixes" stuff that's not broken, and then it is.
Dagma3 – Thank you for sharing this wonderful insight. I wanted to take “There is something wrong with his memory and reasoning button. I don't have to disable mine so he will be happy. That isn't smart thinking.” and write it down a couple of hundred times so I would never forget it. It's one of the best ideas ever for caregivers.
dagma3-- Check into cost and time needed for the pressurewashing. If possible/reasonable--book it done for you, then take Dh out for that time. When you return, jobs done --Surprise. Father's Day is coming,if that applies, as a reason. Sometimes we need to remember the statements discussed above, and act accordingly. We aren't the ones with Dementia. We cannot defer to our LOs when the dementia is obviously running their show, especially when safety issues arise.
I'm with carosi. I wouldn't talk aboaut it any more. I'd just hire someone to do it and get it done. I find the less conversation wehave about some of this stuff, the better off we are (I am).
I had a burned out oven light. Told DH I needed to have our grandson stop at athe hardware store and get one and replace it for me. Oh my! That really stirred up a hornet's nest.
"I can do that. You are always trying to make out like I'm worse off than I am. I don't want that kid over here. He's bugging me. etc. etc."
Grandson came, removed the old bulb, drove up the the hardware store, bout a new bulb, came home and installed it in the oven. He light it and said to DH--"Hey Grandpa, how's that? Do you like it or sould I have done it differently?"
DH inspected the job and patted him on the back and told him he did a good job.
He has a broken memory button but I don't plan to turn mine off so he'll be happy. (LOVE THAT LINE!) Truly,he can't remember from one minute to the next. I just quit talking about it and pretty soon, he can't remember it any more.
I have been so busy with the business, design, writing, marketing, advertising, and networking for the website that I haven't had a chance to do any new Zazzle designs. I just designed a version of the mug you were mentioning. The wording had to be changed a little to fit, but the message is the same. At about 5:30 PM, Eastern Time, you can click on my Zazzle Marketplace, and the mug should be posted. You are able to change the color and mug type to suit your own taste. If you can't figure out how to do it, just e-mail me with what you would like, and I can do it.
If I ever get a few extra minutes, I will be designing some new products for Father's Day.
Thank you all SO much for your feedback. The advice on safety is my "guide" now. Being safe as the first concern cuts all the anxiety about what I should do. Our renovation project started with him putting in a new front door. I could write pages - he put one in, didn't work, wrong door, had to get another one and put it in - doesn't fit - paint job awful. You know the rest. After all that - and the wise words from here - I told him that i would be saying "no" to much of what he wants to do and that we would be calling others to do what we can't do ourselves now. He was a contractor and did plumbing and electrical. I told him that he could no longer do electrical work(He hasn't done any in a long time). I expected a big fuss and he just looked down and said "OK". I think he might want me to say more "nos". Now he has an excuse not to fail anymore.