My husband is 69- years- old. He and I have been married for 48 years. He was diagnosed with AD in 1997, although I suspect he had it for a much longer time. Currently he is in a nursing home, partly because of his condition and partly because I am handicapped. He has difficulty speaking, can't remember how to brush his teeth, bathe himself or clean up thoroughly after using the toilet. I have scoliosis and have been on crutches for eight years now. I also have problems with a digestive system that doesn't work on its own and I need to spend three hours a day doing disposable enemas.
I have been knocking myself out trying to visit my husband three times a week. The last times I went to see him, I a) found him coming out of a female resident's room (It was empty at the time, but he was looking!) I stayed away for four days, then went to visit him and b) found his bed and bedding all askew and a pair of wet jeans thrown over a chair. I asked what was going on, and he said, "I knew this was going to happen." and started laughing uncontrollably for an hour or so, before he calmed down. When he finally stopped laughing, he said, "You're no dummy," but I AM. It took me 24 hours to figure out what had probably happened, and the woman I'm pretty sure was involved, looks more like a man than a woman, is black (we are white) and is ten years his senior. She is always on a guerney when I have seen her, so neither of them could have gotten the guerney into his room without help from the staff.
I'm suffering enough without the staff mocking me also. When I stupidly phoned the morning nurse about my husband's uncontrollable laughter, she just said, "Well, maybe he finds humor in something you do not." She continued, "As long as it doesn't hurt him or anyone else, its OK." But it does hurt someone else, it hurts ME! To be fair, I don't know if this nurse knew what was going on, since it happened in the afternoon, but the 3 pm to 7 pm nurse made a point of twice telling me how "jolly" my husband was on days that I did not come to visit.

Dear Loretta: My husband had a girlfriend. They were all over each other but he always introduced her as 'my wife, Betty.' I have to say that it did not bother me because I fully understood that they were both demented. They did not realize what they were doing and, strange as it seemed to many, it was OK to me. I do not encourage you to feel the same way, we all have our own feelings, but really, they are not doing it to hurt you, they are going back in time, that's part of AD, just as they look for their mother, or want to go 'home' or worry about school, they often become very sexual as young people are. Your husband seems to be laughing like a teen-aged boy who has just discovered sex. He can't help it.

However, I did not have any flip attitudes from staff. We talked about it, they were very understanding, had seen it many times before, and would try to do whatever I wanted them to do, but I said to leave them alone. I have to say that it is very difficult for the spouse who is left behind. Everyone feels concern for the spouse in a facility, but we go home to an empty house and an empty life--it takes us longer to adjust than it does for most of them. I was left out of his new social life, and that was the way it was.

Loretta,
I am so sorry. Your former husband isn't in control ( which I too can't deal with...things he says ect.), but the nursing staff is unprofessional. Nursing homes are to be a haven for you and spouse...seek an osbudmen soon!

Lorretta,
I think that the NH should have a bette screening process of the so called professionals. Also, mirrors to montor the patients safety ect. Good luck and keep us posted.....Lullie

My hubnd has FLD and dementia. He can still drive (but it's getting scary) but recently he's gone for hours and hours. I believe that he's not lost, but he's admitted that he goes to the bars (something he never did in the past). He also spends hours on the interent on porno sites and looking for single woman. I am sure the bars and the topless ones and he is now drinking a beer or two (he admits) and drives after being gone 6 hours at a time. This is very hurtful and he said he doesn't care if it hurts me because he "could care less what you do" and "I don't love you" We have been together for almost 20 years and this is killing me. I feel so alone and betraded. I am lonely and wish I could divorce the dirty old man, but I need his finicial support. Any one please help me with your experiene.