Dear friends, I'm not sure what we need to do here. As more mechanical problems arise with mowers, tillers, and the inconvenience of begging for someone to take him to the pastures..DH is more often agitated than not. Its becoming more and more a problem for both of us. I am the enemy and he's making comments out of frustration like many I've read on these threads. Semi suicidal, hateful (you've gotten what you wanted..the drivers license issue).. He's is physically strong and has always been active, working. In the past, the only reason he would not be working outside would be if he was sick, which was rare.
I've read that many of our spouses are taking Seraquel(?)..and wondering about the side effects..
We want the best quality of life that he can enjoy BUT out here all he sees is hay that needs to be baled, grass that needs to be mowed, various other farm things that he can't do and will not hire anyone else to do it. We have spent thousands now, repairing mowers and at this moment all are 'broken'. He attempts to 'work' on them and evidently damages them even more.
Today I was planning to take him to spend the day with our son and family who are camping at a nearby lake just to get him away from here but he's irritated with this son because he hasn't come to take the mowers BACK to the repair place.
He is unpredictable.. not violent, but unpleasant enough that the uproar of two weeks ago has made our grandson want to avoid him..and he was the main helper for taking him to the pasture. In short, his behavior has resulted in having no one willing to help him.
For my part, I'm thinking we don't need to have cows now. We don't need to bale hay but DH does. I just don't know how many hoops we have to jump to make it all work for his sake and the rest of us just crumble.. for the sake of our own survival, it is nearer time to place him. Even though he's physically healthy.
I thought of keeping a contentment chart to document the days of uproar vs the days of his relative contentment. I may be so tired of putting up with it and trying to manage HIS contentment that my own point of view is distorted to the point that I may not be thinking in terms of fairness to him. I just don't know.
it may also be time you downsize and think of moving into a smaller home with less maintenance issues. the upkeep and constant need to oversee a farm is probably too much for either of you now. as time moves on and disease worsens- sometimes a change has to happen and not always how we planned to spend out our lives- having to move in our golden yrs. to a more accessible place. divvi
I thought of keeping a contentment chart to document the days of uproar vs the days of his relative contentment. I may be so tired of putting up with it and trying to manage HIS contentment that my own point of view is distorted to the point that I may not be thinking in terms of fairness to him. I just don't know
That is an incredible idea. I agree that when we are so stressed we begin to doubt ourselves. For us Seroquel was a life saver. It does have black box warnings that the neurologist and I chose to ignore. Black box warnings advise of serious side effects when used with the elderly dementia patients. Who ever writes the warnings should have to live with our spouses.
Both great suggestions. Sounds like my husband a few years ago. A small dose daily of Lexapro helped ....Before you make any life altering changes like moving to unfamiliar surroundings and taking away work that he once enjoyed, would try medication. What meds is he on?
Think the focus would be on making sure he is calmer to maintain relationships..not just with you but the rest of the family. Just my 2 cents...Hugs
I agree with scs. Get his attitude to maintaining relationships with all concerned and then you might want to think of downsizing to something that would eventually still work for you.
I haven't had the attitude much but we did downsize (of sorts) 3 years ago. Went from having 3 houses and 3 commercial buildings to a new house and garages within a half mile of our old one. We still have a garden. Actually we still have all the original baggage and I am still trying to sell it. That will be a bigggggg relief to get rid of that. We both love it here and I just hope I will be able to stay here forever.
Judy, would it be possible to start selling the cows? Would he notice if some of the equipment went for "repairs" and just didn't come back? Kind of, out of sight, out of mind?
Judy, If it were me, I think I'd be checking with the Dr. for med. changes or adjustment for the behavior. Then I'd start looking at and following through with incremental downsizing. It appears that he is no longer mentally capable of making sound decisions about some of the work. You or a son schedule the help to bale the hay. Present it as an accomplished fact. Start culling your livestock. He's not happy/content now. These actions may not change that, but they are a place to start. Reducing the amount of work to be done should relieve the load on everyone. Above all, you need to realize that maintaining his contentment cannot be allowed to wear you and the rest of the family down. You have to look out for and provide those good feelings for yourself and the others too. If you don't you'll be no good at caregiving him. We can't protect our LOs from every bump in the road. Things happen; people get tired and frustrated; and things change. Maintain what you can, change what you must. He will adapt and adjust, or if he doesn't you'll know it's time for placement where he can be maintained safely. Believe me I know thi9s road isn't going to be easy. We have to do the best we can--looking at the total picture---something they no lonmger perceive.
Thank you all for your help. I am going to call the Dr. for any kind of medication he can offer. I looked up the side effects of Seroquel ..scarey for sure. DH has blood pressure issues and heart issues..but these are evidently under control. I tried yesterday to convince DH that we must downsize to either get all the cows in ONE pasture or keep only those than can stay here on our home place. That didn't go over very well but you right, he's not content this way and he's not going to be. ummm. If medication can help that will be the best alternative at this point. Again, thank you for affirming what I've already felt.. If it was up to me, we'd have a little patio home near a lake or golf course..and with all the shopping/medical/ things nearby. :)))).. I sincerely appreciate your help.