As a loved one slips away more and more, isn’t it possible for pity and compassion to replace love? We love the person they used to be, and that is who we miss so dearly, but now that person is a different human being we pity and have compassion for like a very dear friend. Is it possible this is God’s way of releasing us to love another in the same way we came to love our spouse? I was just wondering, because depending on how my DW is acting, or not responding, it seems my feelings seem to change from the old love to a new form like pity or compassion. It varies day to day, and I wonder if this is a way of mitigating any feelings of guilt. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism to repress or numb the pain. ???
TJ, I think I agree with you. Never thought of it that way, but I do feel more compassion and pity than, certainly, the deep love I have had for DH all these years. Guess I need to contemplate this more.
Sure, I think it's pity and compassion. And I think pity and compassion are probably what a lot of spouses feel for their spouse whether or not it's Alzheimer's. I'd feel pity for my spouse if he had cancer, or lost his job or whatever, and most of us with long marriages don't really think of our spouses as our soul mates.
Whether or not that frees us from our "vows" I have no idea. I'm pretty certain it doesn't free us from our obligation to care for them.
TJ, at first when the symptoms of AD occurred, my husband (who had been the most thoughtful, considerate person who always put me first as I did him) changed into a self-absorbed person who did what he wanted, when he wanted, with no thought to me or my feelings, I thought about leaving him. I didn't know it was AD then. After he started getting forgetful, putting things where they didn't go, and losing his eye perception, I started adding things up and realized that the love of my life that I had been married to for 45 years had AD. As he worsened to the point that he is at now, the husband I had loved died and was replaced by the two year old inhabiting his body. I don't feel the love I had for my husband for this two year old. My husband is gone, and my love for him is gone too. I CARE for the two year old, and will take care of him until the body goes. I felt sorry for my husband when we realized he had AD, and I also felt some relief when he was diagnosed, because it confirmed that he hadn't stopped loving me and his actions of late weren't his own. I have no guilt, but I do have compassion. Even that is hard at 3 in the morning when I'm having to come fully awake and clean the floor and him before trying to go back to sleep so that I can go to work the next morning. <grin>
However, love for another doesn't replace the love you have had for a spouse. There is always room in our hearts for many loves!
Right now, I'm too busy trying to survive, including having two extra people living with me (daughter and grandson) to help me take care of my spouse, buy all the groceries, manage all repairs to house and keep vehicles maintained, manage bills, doctors' appointments, and work full time to have TIME for anything else! My concentration is on living and seeing to it that he has the best care I can give him. I'll have time for me AFTER.
I used to feel compassion and pity when he was at home and I had to do everything for him but now not having him home I am feeling the love we had before AD i can go visit and i am so happy to see him even though there is no look in his eyes any more, but my feeling of love is still there. I guess it`s because I don`t have that over wellming feeling of caregiver just a wife who loves her dh
I see so much of myself in everything you all are saying. I've grown a thick rhinosaurus hide all around my heart toward my husband, Dr. John. He can still embarrass me with his public outbursts. Offensive to everyone. He can still break my heart with those deep-set, ice-blue eyes and the sweet words he can whisper at times. I swear, if I'm ever allowed contact with another man and happen to fall in love (being realistic, I just hope to find someone I LIKE), I intend for him to undergo a "Vet-Check" as well as a family background check!!!