Well Joan-since you asked: I went for therapy because I thought I was supposed to. Dumb reason. The nice lady asked me what I was doing and what my future plans were. She almost flipped out when I told her I wanted to get a kiwi green Honda Element as it was the funkiest car around (I did get one-but not kiwi). She had no understanding of the loss of my husband. Seemed she just wanted everyone to be happy. When I had hubby back to see his psych asked my therapist to look out the window to see my new car-I think she was surprised that I really did it. Now back to you: knowing about this damned disease and coping with it isn't the same thing. From your posts you seem to be suffering along with the rest of us but seem to think you shouldn't. You are just as vulnerable as the rest and are entitled to very bad, negative feelings. If your therapist can help you with that, then her purpose will be served. Lovingly, Nora
My daughter has gone to counseling for problems from dealing with an x-alcoholic husband and she took her daughter. She feels better after her counseling. My other daughter is taking a step-daughter and they feel she is coming out of her shell more and it is helping her.
My first daughter thought I should go to her counselor for feeling depressed several years ago and I went one time. I felt so "out of place that I felt ridiculous" . Counseling is not for me. I tried to be hypnotized once and was not a good canidate. Does that mean I want to do what I want to do and not be influenced by someone else? Maybe, I don't know, but for myself, I will excuse myself from counseling for the present and save the money. My counseling is coming from my reading, e-mails and this website. Thank you very much.
Hey Joan. I have never been to a counselor but thought many times that maybe I should. I struggle with negative thinking. Nobody loves me. I am so mistreated by others. Even my kids are too busy to help.. What am I going to do when it gets in #7. What can I do about my bad health. ETC.etc.etc etc.
I have just posted a new thread on PMA, (Positive Mental Attitude) that has been a big help to me in these trying times. Many said that it is too polyanna to talk about happiness with this Disease but I think it is of utmost importance. Especially for my own sanity. The link may interest you also.
I agree with Imohr. My counseling comes from this and other forums. I have never been to a counselor and at this point I don't think I need to. I may change my mind later on. I have been to "caregivers day out" meetings and stuff in our community and I always feel out of place. Guess I'm just a loner and will figure things out for myself with the help of all my cyber friends here.
I started counseling nearly 20 years ago when I was diagnosed with cancer. Going to the counselor really, really helped. Living with cancer and not knowing for months if I would live or die is the only life experience I’ve had that comes close to the stress of being a caregiver.
There are a couple of things I look for in a good counselor. One is that after a while, I start feeling like I am making progress, that I don’t feel so overwhelmed and hopeless. The other one is that there is someone reliable who gets to know me, who will tell me if I am starting to run off the tracks. Then I don’t have to fall into the pit before I can start making the changes that will help me feel better. (It’s like when you want to lose weight. It’s a lot easier if you haven’t gained another 20 pounds before you start.)
Over the years we have moved a lot, and I’ve seen a lot of amazingly bad counselors, and several really, really good ones. I’ve had counselors who wanted to tell me their problems (I’m not kidding), one who fell asleep every single time I saw her, one who laughed at me when I tried to tell her something, and one who sternly admonished me (on the very first visit) that bad things happened to people sometimes, and I needed to learn to deal with them. Another counselor at that same group is the one who told me that if DH did not get a bath every day and take every single med every single day, then I wasn’t providing adequate care for him. (And my sincere thanks to everyone who responded to my post about that visit!)
The good ones really listen. And sometimes they are able to make very good suggestions that I hadn’t thought of. Sometimes when I am right in the middle of a bad situation, I’m not thinking all that clearly. They help put me back on track.
The best thing that counselors have given me is tools to sort of do my own counseling. In the past 20 years, I’ve gone for long stretches of time with no counseling. Often when things start to unravel, I’ve been able to go back and use some of the ideas they have given me, and get back on track by myself.
Joan, I hope the counseling helps. A good counselor really can seem to lift some of the load off your back. Even when the situation can’t change, good counseling does help.
Joan after reading your blog, i believe you answered your own question. you are doing as good a job as you can under the circumstances on your own. you could probably accomplish the same goals by having a few hrs me time out with a girlfriend for lunch on a weekly basis. many of us are using YOUR website as our own means of therapy. i have been in group and individual therapy for many yrs. its the same thing here except we dont see our faces, but we say under the note of anomity how we are feeling and coping (or not). then we wait for input from fellow friends who will offer their input and exceptional comradery as a way to help us thru. i guess what i am saying is if you could do less 'website' work and more personal nittygritty input here- along with our own, we can be your therapists, MANY of them..haha. its exactly the same as having a group therapy session. you will get good input, indifferent input, and some who chose to remain unopionated, and others who can only offer a shoulder to cry on which is indeed how real therapy works. who else knows the real ups/downs of AD other than real AD group members? well thats my input on the subject, like others say it depends quite definately on whether you are willing to open up to the therapist about true feelings, and if you can find one you feel comfortable speaking freely to. it can be good experience or bad. i think i can say we all here are here if you need our support! my best as always, divvi
I was a school counselor for over 20 years. Although my job involved curriculum and career counseling for the most part, I spent a lot of time with individual students or parents. I heard everything. Most people needed someone to listen and maybe help sort out solutions. I think a counselor working with AD spouses cannot tell people what to do or how to feel. Listening to clients is most important. Helping a person deal with feelings, problems,and mention alternatives and be supportive is the most a counselor can do. I met with a counselor once when I suspected my DH had AD. She was no help at all. She suggested we move to a continuing care community. At that time, 5 years ago, I was not ready and still am not. I am not sure we can afford that time of living situation, nor do I want to give up my home. Our early AD group is really aimed at the AD spouse, but is helpful to me because I realize I am not alone.
When Dh had his mental breakdown and was Dx'd with Schizo-Affective Disorder, I was shoved right into the deep water of counseling him 18 plus hours a day to fight his confusion, running our household "as normally as possible", raising our daughter, and resolving in my own mind how I'd handle the crisis of his suicide, if he went through with it. Once through the initial crisis phase, I continued to operate under hyper mode with little or no regard for time for myself. I burnt out near the end of the 2nd year and started sliding into Depression. Saw an ad for a Study on a med for depression and told a girl friend I should sign up. She said "Do it. I'll drive." 2 weeks later she asked if I'd signed up--pushed me to do so. I did, and continued on the med. for about a year total. At the time I started in the study, I decided to seek counseling too. Depression can be successflly treated either way, but I elected both because, while the meds will level out the brain chemistry, and eventually it gets healed, counseling would give me tools to ID symptoms before depression returned, and it could give me tools to avoid it, stave it off, prevent its return.
The counselor did help me learn those things. Also, in talking to her she would ask a question or say something, or listen to me say something, which would turn the viewpooint on the topic to a new angle. Sometimes that new angle, new perspective opens up a whole new avenue for dealing with the matter. I only saw her for a few months, but the lessons have stood the test of time.
As divvi said, we do a lot of this here. However you chose to get the lessons, do it.
Joan, I've only been to a therapist twice and that was after my move into the apartment after my husband selling the house summer 2007 w/out a completed agreement as to what he would pay for after the buyer's inspection. Moved needlessly since she didn't show up for the closing (duh.) I was put on an antidepressant & then went to the therapist. I was so angry with him! Well, my 1st visit I was basically lethargic. I was told to come back in a week. She was kind enough to skip over the "explaining therapy" during the 1st visit, after I told her my master's was in counseling. She wanted to take a history, but I insisted I needed help with the present, so she was kind enough to skip that too.
My second visit, the Lexapro had kicked in. She could hardly believe the change in me. Instead of scheduling me for every week, she told the receptionist to schedule me for every other week. (I forgot the subsequent visit.) The main thing that cheered me up during that visit was that she told me something was obviously wrong with my husband. It was such a relief to hear those words. But, then she also asked if I thought MARRIAGE COUNSELING would help. Hello? Can't you remember that he is using poor judgement in everything he does.
Back to you. Counselors don't TELL you what you should do (at least not the good ones.) You asked in your Blog today, is he/she going to tell me to do such & such. They should be trained to let the client come to his/her own solutions. But I will say this: If you can afford it, counseling is great me time to have a good ear to listen to you. Sometimes it is enough comfort just to let it out verbally. Sometimes you can be put back on track with the right questions. If all goes well, you build a good relationship & all you have to do is think about yourself.
The only problem I can see is finding someone who really understands Alz. If you can't find such a person, then basically it would be difficult, though not impossible. You would have to serve as the educator for a while, in between letting off steam or whatever your agenda would be for that day's session.
I hope you can search for & find such a person. If not, it wouldn't hurt to try second best. A really empathetic counselor. (Don't forget social workers, MSWs if covered by insurance.) If I were in a financial position to do so, I would probably be seeking out that person for myself right now. I've never in my life needed it before these past few years, but I would consider it a wonderful thing to look forward to, just to sit & contemplate my life right now.
Joan - Whatever your motivations about your own personal tragedy were to start this site, it has been a boon to hundreds of others, including myself whose DH is long gone, but I had no one in those years to relate to, so many loose ends were still around--this is where I've been able to knit some of them up. Maybe you thought if you did this, went there, wrote, researched--you could control things, but we all learn the only thing we can control is our reactions--and that's not always so easily done--being human and all.
Many years ago I went for counseling for something entirely different that left me crying and bereft. Didn't help, really, only time did the trick. I also dragged DH twice to marriage counseling--something was amiss--but the counselors didn't know what was wrong either, just told me to leave him, it was hopeless. My niece whose mom has AD went and she said it was very, very beneficial. As already said--it depends.
People can accept something intellectually but that doesn't mean it penetrates emotionally. As hard as you try, things will not stabalize--it's the nature of the beast. Counseling couldn't hurt--it's good to have an attentive ear. And you may discover that you're doing really well with all that's happening in your life.
When my husband was diagnosed, he received some speech therapy (not the 'real' name) that helped him with ways to deal with meetings, emails, etc to keep working longer, through the local rehabilitation hospital (Madonna, known nationally for their work with returning war veterans). We've also gotten help with some assistive technology (specifically computer). They recommended a Madonna psychologist for us both. We started going individually anywhere from 1-4 times a month until my DH could not. She deals with all the issues all the time. She helped me personally with tips and tricks, plus provided info on how to approach my DH's 7 living siblings, our kids, how much to share, and much more. What we do now is talk about whatever comes up that I want to talk about, like feelings of 'wanting this to be over' which makes me feel guilty as my DH really is not THAT bad yet (he can still be at home by himself, although he does not drive, cook, etc). I have had trouble getting to sleep without medication (RX or liquid refreshment) for a couple months now, so we are working on that (I take Lexapro, xanax sometimes, but mostly at bedtime). Our sessions are 'mental' stuff, not logistics of managing day to day. She makes it truly OK for me to 'be me' without my feeling guilty. You do need to find someone you 'click' with, BUT I would suggest you start by contacting a local rehabilitation hospital. They work with severe, non-recoverable mental and physical injuries all the time, and that ties right in with what WE are dealing with. If you don't have such a facility or they only have staff for in-patients---ask them to give you the names of who they refer to when their patients leave, or contact a local/state organization of psychologists (they know lots about drugs, but at least in my state cannot prescribe).
I read your blog earlier but didn't have time right then to respond. If I had responded, I would have said almost exactly what Jan said. I've been seeing counselors off and on since the death of our infant son thirty years ago. I've seen good ones and bad ones. Among the bad ones I count the one who tried to shock me by using unnecessary curse words and the one I went to shortly after my husband was diagnosed with MCI. She wanted to do couples counseling with us and made suggestions for things that would help our marriage. Of course, DH couldn't remember what she said when we got home.
The counselor I'm seeing now is wonderful. First she really listens and it's clear that she thinks about what I've said between sessions. She remembers what I've said and follows up on it. She knows the places I'm stuck, like spending way too much time playing computer games and not being able to get started on anything constructive, and makes suggestions for ways to deal with that that really work, because they are incremental and don't require changing everything immediately. She also helps me to see things in different ways than I have before. I guess that overall she helps me see how I can help myself accept what I'm dealing with without losing all of myself. I have been extremely depressed lately and really need the help.
Whether or not to seek counseling is a personal choice, obviously. If you chose to try it, it's critical to get the right therapist for you (maybe some people like to listen to swearing!). It does work for me. I have a lot of friends and a good AD support group, but the counselor offers something that they don't.
I agree with longyears. Validation is so critical for us. I believe that we all need the most appropiate person in our life to get us through the bumps. I had a "nervous breakdown" (not called that anymore) in 1993 because of work pressures (mandatory work schedule 80 hrs/ wk avg!!). I had a 9 yr old daughter and my dh. I knew there was something wrong (I couldn't stop crying). I thought I was in a dark abyss and couldn't come out. I was concerned for our daughter. I knew I was depressed but my prim. dr knew nothing about antidepressants so sent me to a PSYCHOLOGIST!! Of all the things. He was wonderful. Spent lots of time helping me but when he knew I needed and antidepressant, he referred me back to my prim. dr!! My prim. dr. sent me to a psychiatrist (and told him that I requested the change!!)! I thought I was nuts. All these people were trying to help me but I was getting worse. I was withdrawn and hopeless. Six months after my "breakdown" I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia (anyone else have this? I believe it is from extreme stress and alters your nervous system). I was in constant pain and did not know if I'd ever get better. I changed drs and the new one was nuttier than I was!! Once asked me to choose the rug color for his new office!! Another time, wrote out my presc. to the wrong name and I didn't know this till the pharmacist asked me who the other person was. Of course he "never" made mistakes-"must have been his sec!". I switched yet again to a new Dr and this time, I was terrified of him. He had a mean look on his face and was always angry. I swear, most of these psychiatrists needed their own psychiatrists. In desperation, I called an aprn and went to see her. Finally, a person with a brain. Immediately saw both dh and myself and knew dh had PTSD from Vietnam. She transferred him to a friend of hers (also an aprn) who treated dh for PTSD and I stayed with her. When she heard about the psychiatrist I was seeing, she encouraged me to change drs. She recommended a psychiatrist and I made an appt. When I met her, she was MY ANSWER TO THE WORLD!!! She was aware of who I was and made me feel like I was her most important patient. She knew the meds I had already tried so put me on a cocktail (a few different drugs) and within a few weeks, I felt like it had poured rain and now the sun was shining and my world was chrystal clear. I was once again able to cope with the world. I had battled breast cancer (diag 1 yr after breakdown) and won and now, I caould finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. She never told me what to do but usually said things that made me think differently or in a new direction. After going to her a couple of years (I first saw her 5 years after my breakdown), I finally realized what was my main problem and solved it myself. The light finally went on in the attic. To this day, I still see her although our visits over the years have become less frequent. I still am on a cocktail (although not all of the ones I had originally) of drugs, but I am able to cope better with things. She was the one who first suggested hy dh might be having a memory problem and guided me through the process of diagnosing him. I see her every 3 months or so but know I can call her anytime and she will help me. This website is prettymuch my therapy (as everyone else has said) but it cannot perscribe meds and unfortunately for some of us, the RIGHT meds are absolutely necessary. I have often heard that Drs make the worst patients. All I am saying is, if you do decide to go, you may have to try a while for the right person but when it happens, it is worth it. You know we will all be here for you. If only the drs were as good at alz as we are(HA,HA,HA,)
Joan--Finding the right counselor is the key--your blog didn't say what you thought of the therapist you saw, but I think if you had "clicked", you would not be as concerned about whether to go back again. Steve and I saw a counselor together when he was misdiagnosed with depression; I went to see her a few times on my own. The last time was a year and a half ago. I can tell you one concrete thing I got from seeing her--she advised me to stop reaching out to his daughter. I had received virtually no emotional support from her; she offered no help; the therapist said that the relationship was only a source of stress and that she (the daughter) would not change. Furthermore, she pointed out that based on past behaviors, once my husband is out of the picture, the relationship would end anyway and the grandchildren would lose both of us at once. I had never thought of it from that angle--but she was right. I followed her advice and have been at peace with the decision. I would not hesitate to see the therapist on an "as needed" basis in the future, if problems surface in other areas. She's a good source of unbiased advice--it's comforting to know that I have her to turn to if I need her.
Wow Joan-this blog has turned out to be a wonderful catharsis for us all. Your feelings-both positive and negative are valid and you have a right to them. I think this group is the ideal outlet for us all. We don't have to run around grinning like happy faced clowns-it's OK to yell and scream.
I have seen more than one counselor and also Psychiatrist for a period of time. For the most part they helped me tremendously. You need to find the right one and if the first one isn't clicking with you, ask around and find another one. What do any of you think of social worker family counseling, with the patient, spouse, married children, and older grandchildren. My DH's Dr. strongly recommends this. I have put it off. The Dr. feels that the family needs to start making concrete plans even though my DH is in stage 3-4. Any comments? Thanks, I am sure I will enjoy this forum as this progresses. olive
You have all come up with such wonderful insights. Thank you.
I do know that it is essential to find the right therapist. I know this from a nightmare experience with my son. When he was having his "difficult" period at age 14/15 - failing grades, wrong crowd, etc. I was terrified he would get into drugs, and he was headed that way, so I went from therapist to therapist with him. Well, let's see - the first one told me to let my out of control 14 year old "negotiate" with me as to what he could be allowed to do and what his punishment would be. Years later, Joel told me that he had that guy "wrapped" (as in wrapped around his little finger). Joel manipulated him big time to get what he wanted out of me. That didn't last long. I may have been desperate, but not stupid. Then there was the psychiatrist who sat with Sid, Joel and me, looked at this out of control 14 year old and said - "Oh, well, I knew lots of kids who were into drugs when I was young, and they turned out okay." Fired him after one session. The only good one I finally found was a psychologist from our town youth group whose services were FREE. He counseled Joel through the rough times.
The psychologist I saw was very nice. I liked her - I'll see her one or two more times before I decide. It's not costing me anything. Maybe together we can figure out what it is I am looking for from therapy. And go from there.
Dear Joan, the only way to find out if a psychologist will help you, is to try, you need to find the right one. As for me, I have never felt the need for a counselor, even with all the heartaches I have been through, the loss of our Son, the loss of our Grand-daughter, My cancer, My Husbands cancer. We are all different, I wonder myself at times, how I managed to stay sane...and now taking care of DH, another challenge You have done such a wonderful thing, setting up this web-site, You should be very proud of yourself, and doing it under all the pressure you have at home. You are a Special Person. I and many more thank-you, this is where I get my therapy. Bless You
Neither my husband nor I has ever been to a therapist, but our daughter probably wouldn't be alive had she not had a couple of good ones around when she was in her early college years and in depressions, one after another. She had a couple of good ones, one horrible one, and then.. paxil! which she started not too long after it came out and which has without question saved her life and sanity.
For me, just now, SHE has saved MY sanity. I'm usually pretty upbeat, but my damned knee has been giving me such pain that I'm taking real pain meds for the first time ever; I've had two synvisc shots in it which are supposed to have a delayed reaction but so far nothing is helping except getting zonked out on tramadol. And having her shoulder to cry on out of frustration!! She was dog-sitting nearby for the past week, and just not having her within reach really was hard for me. I would never tell her this, and would want her to move away if she wanted to, but having her near me is more important than I had realized. Just as the old trite saying about our spouse, being in a "second childhood" rings true, so does having "a shoulder to cry on". A literal shoulder. A literal hug. I have a few close friends who will give me that, but they aren't HERE. She is, and oh,my goodness, how great it was this evening to just cry on her shoulder.
Ya'll are great, and I treasure our connections.. but virtual hugs aren't quite the same.
Briegull, you are so right on in your last sentence. I do so appreciate the cyber stuff...the words and ((hugs)), but there is nothing at all like the real thing, and so since my DW is here with me, I get (or I should say give) real hugs, and I get the words of encouragement from this site.
I'm sorry your knee is such a problem for you. I hope you can feel better soon.
Maybe I will jump in here with both feet. I feel that if I did not have my counselor I would not have made it through these past difficult times that life has dealt to me. Yes, I feel the most important thing is finding the right person. I went to many before I settled on the one I am with now. She has never told me what to do, or how to do it. She has been there to guide me, sometimes gently, sometimes with a knock upside the head, when I needed it the most. I see her on a regular basis and she is helping me deal with the daily stress and demands that I face with my husband in the nursing home. Had it not been for here I never would have made it this far.
Early on she helped me learn how to deal with living with dementia; from there we faced and conquered one problem at a time. Could I have done it alone, not for a minute? She has always been there at every twist and turn - from wandering, to incontinence, to full nursing care. Without her most likely they would have committed me long ago. She has helped me learning to deal with my step daughters' and with my husband's extended family. I’ve had to do this alone because they have been no help in the past – not do I expect them to help in the future.
In the past I have told my story many times here on your web site – it is not pretty and it has been difficult in every way possible. Without my counselor, helping me every step of the way, I would not be where I am today. As I embark on a new path – I look forward to her helping me as needed in the future. I am fortunate to have found a lady that deals mainly with caregivers – so she understands our difficulties better than most. She has also been a caregiver in the past.
As I walk slowly along facing each and every day alone, I am glad she is there to lend me and ear or if necessary a hand. Never scolding – many times just listening, never judging, just guiding me along helping me make decisions as needed. I wouldn’t trade her for anything. I know I can go to her and say most anything that is on my mind and she will find some way to talk me through the Dementia/ Alzheimer’s/Lewybody fog, which is different for each and every one of us. No two patients are the same, and no two Caregivers face or deal with care giving the same way.
I have grown in the past, and will grow in the future, learning to be patient and to cope with the unknown. With her guidance I have been able to face each stage, fearing less the unknown that was ahead. She had helped me to understand why I had to make funeral arrangements, even though my husband is still very much alive. Yes I argued and railed against her, but once again she was right. Now it is one less load that I have to carry – it is complete and I have been able to do it with calm and stable mind. Will I have that once he passes away, I doubt it – and I would have been left to throw something together at the last minute.
Today she is helping me face today and make it count for something; I am doing volunteer work, taking classes, and leading a full life. This includes still sharing a life with my husband while he resides in a nursing home. We have lunch together most days, and he seems to enjoy this very much. His communication is gone, but with her help I have learned there are other ways to share things with him. He is a complete invalid, confined to a wheelchair, but I have learned other ways to help him enjoy what little quality of life he still has.
Maybe I have been the exception rather than the rule - but I feel counseling has saved my life and my sanity. I could not have done this alone - so I am glad she has been there, and will be there in the future, for me.
Hang in there Joan - things will work out for you. If you can do it alone all the better. I am the first one to admit that I could not. I'm glad I had help when I needed it the most. She has helped not only me, but Ron also because she has helped me learn what was happening to him and how to help him cope with this horrible struggle that he has had to endure.
Be well my friend, Ruth B.
'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'
I went to counseling in the 90s when I was in a severe depression. She was a wonderful Christian counselor who only charged me for an hour even though our sessions were usually 90 minutes to 2 hours. She would let me sit and cry my heart out aka let the pain out, then hold me. I was dealing with childhood abuse issues which she was specializing in. She was good because she let me talk without judgment. Only a couple times did she tell me what to do and that was when I was cutting. The rest of the time she would ask questions. I went for a year, then my funds dried up and I had to stop. But she had given me the tools I needed to continue on to better mental health.
Later I took lay counseling classed and did that for 3 years. I learned that we all have the answer within us. It is the counselors job to listen and ask the right questions that would get us to seek the answers within. If I could afford it, I would search her out (she lives about 70 miles from where I am) and see if she could see me again. But, I don't have the money for counseling, so I rely on talking with God and here. Counseling is not for everyone, but I am glad it is one option.
Success lies in finding the right counselor for you. Ask for a consultation and if the initial interview doesn't feel like a good fit, move on to the next. I have been in therapy for awhile now with a psychiatric social worker and I feel that she has helped me a great deal. Many insurance policies now cover therapy - be sure to check. Also,there are services in some communities that will offer psychiatric services on a sliding scale based on ability to pay. We can't do it alone - the printed word can help, but I feel that there is nothing like the one on one, face to face contact with the right professional.
I was in therapy last year, and she "got it" so it was pretty useful even though I couldn't continue because I wasn't happy about leaving my husband alone for as many hours as I needed to do an appointment.
I know you belong to an in-person support group. Ask the caseworkers in that group for a referral for a therapist. At least you won't have to find out if that person has a clue during the first visit. You don't necessarily have to have a dementia caregiver specialist. Mine wasn't. But she had done enough dementia caregiving therapy that she wasn't learning how to do it on me and she knew about issues I hadn't even thought about. For example on the first visit I got "homework" to tell my daughter all of the hidden, ugly, decisions I had made and was hiding, and it turned out she knew, she agreed, and it took a load off my back for me. I wasn't told I had to do it, but if I was listening it was a suggestion that was there. I was listening and it was such a good idea.
As for validation. She never saw my husband, but I got loads of validation. And I needed it as much as Joan does.
I see an absolutely wonderful therapist twice a week. She is an art therapist and we do some interesting things. She is available by phone whenever I feel like I'm losing it. I do not know what I'd do without her. She does give validation to the feelings I am having and helps me figure out which problems in my life, "have my name on them." Her insight and support have been invaluable. It can sometimes take time to find the right person, other times you get lucky the 1st try.
I see a therapist once a week - she is SO good and I look forward to her going and unloading. It is a difficult process to find the right one and I had to kiss a lot of frogs before I found her. She helps me remember that I am living with someone who has AD and not to live in his reality. She reminds me to use my GOOD judgment and not feel so guilty about having to say no to the things he wants to do. I say the same things every week - in different ways, but it is so good to have someone there JUST for me to listen and understand what I am going through. . We aren't working on any issues concerning my personality, childhood or my mother :-) - just the stress of what is happening everyday. My husband went with me the first time - only because he didn't want to stay home by himself. She has given me so much feedback and insight about what she saw with us in that one session. She said that I was trying to hard to connect with him, touching him, weighing everything I said so it wouldn't offend him and he was off in his own word and not connected with me at all. I knew that I was trying hard and was tired a lot, but didn't realize how hard I was working. He had his own agenda of telling his tall tales that didn't have anything to do with why we were there. Hope you find what works for you.
I am not one who believes in therapists, or psychologist, since most that I met were a bit strange, and I always felt that they were a bit eccentric. I am coping ok on my own so far, and I have a deep faith that will not allow me to endure more than I can bear... On the light side, I am considering Dr. Johnnie Walker, Dr, Jack Daniels, Dr. Bud Wiser, but I will have to develop a taste for it....
Joan..after reading your blogs, I doubt you need counseling...you are eloquent when talking about the disease, and I think you have a very firm grip on reality. The advice you give is sound and logical, and I notice that you are perhaps your own best therapist. You seem to research and find the answers you need, and I doubt that any psychologist can top what you are doing. You have matters well under control (as much as is possible with all the twists and turns), and I think that more cyber hugs are in order for you....Keep doing what you are doing....It is sufficient.
I haven't thought it was a good thing, but my medical group associated with my local hospital qualified me for their indigent program that pays for EXTENSIVE, psychological care. I am in councelling four days a week to deal with my bi-polar disorder, Narcotics addiction, and go to a session that deals with women's issues and clinical depression, self-esteem issues, etc. I was involved in a program called (and I THINK I have this spelled correctly), Diolectic Behavioral Therapy. In short, it helps you dissect your feelings and reactions, helping you to "get off the train" of emotional reaction and think with a "wise mind". Look into it. It's better than "talk therapy".....it really trains your mind to be resilent and step back (if you'll remember to!) before reacting in the old life-long learned ways.