Comment Author kathi37 Comment Time 16 minutes ago edit delete
I just need a basic attitude adjustment for my life. G has had a meds change, and I don't know if that is the cause of his rapid decline or just normal progression, but I'm having an extremely difficult time dealing with him. I find myself not wanting to come in the house after being outside, and looking for side trips while on the way home from grocery shopping.He is refusing to eat and switches from Mr. Nasty to compliant in an instant. Our once happy home feels more like a combat zone to be avoided at all costs. I'm certainly to blame for much of the atmosphere, but being Pollyanna doesn't work for me. Guess this is just pity party time, but I'm so P.O'd much of the time I feel like a stranger to myself. Is anyone else stressed all the time? At the OHSU stress mgt. study I participated in, I did find a couple of kindred souls...others "felt blessed" to have the oportunity to be a caregiver...hello? Am I that out of touch?
No, you are not out of touch. That feeling of not wanting to go home to face the "mood of the moment"; the feeling of being angry; stressed; not knowing who we are anymore - all part of caring for a spouse with AD.
Do you have something you like to do that is totally your own? A craft? Dancing? Aerobics class? Swimming? I've been advised by my psychologist that I need to get away every week for a few hours to do something that is totally just ME. Don't know what that is yet, but I'm working on it.
A few weeks ago, I was so angry and upset that I had to leave the house (I'm lucky - I can still leave my husband alone.). I got in the car, drove 2 miles to our little town square, and sat by the lake in the shade for an hour and a half. Did nothing else. Just sat there and watched the water fountain. It did have a calming effect and I was able to go home feeling somewhat less stressed.
Blessed to be a caregiver? Those with whom I have come in contact with that attitude are caring for someone who is docile and sweet. No verbal or physical abuse. No violent mood swings. No screaming and fighting.
You said that being Pollyanna doesn't work for you. Didn't work for me either, until I had so many anxiety, high blood pressure, and difficult breathing attacks, that I decided I either give up fighting and "go with the flow" (to the extent I am able) or I was going to end up dead.
Going with the flow is the only way to go. When DW does not want to eat or drink, I just let it go. Same with changing pants, baths, or dressing for bed. I let her have her way. I used to want to do everything just right, but you can't convince them and you can't force them, so if it doesn't hurt them, let it go. If things get to the point of a trip to the ER or a 911 call, so be it. Not pleasant to end up that way, but sometimes it can't be prevented. And I don't worry anymore...what happens happens. I have given up control to a higher authority.
Wow, TJoe....that sounds just like I felt before I allowed my kids to take John to his sister's house in FL....where he ended up in the nursing home....you know the story. Every day was a blasted fight-fest all about eating, not eating, drinking too much, not wanting to bathe, shower, shave, brush his teeth....accusations of unfaithfulness (when did I have the time?) and his just wanting to sleep. Didn't want me to help him. When I bring John home, you're right....what happens, happens. I think that over the last year and a half of his being out of the house and me in constant therapy and on antidepressants has given me a more tolerant, understanding AND BOLDER attitude to handle him.
I'm w/TJ & Joan: "whatever," go with the flow, don't sweat the small stuff and some of the larger issues. For various reasons I distanced myself from hb emotionally years ago and financially not so long ago. He saved nothing; has a very small social security check that goes into our 1 joint account. He's able to take care of hygiene, etc. I give him meds which he's willing to take. Doesn't eat much--no fruit and few veggies. Isn't aggressive anymore. So, I have it easier than most. I think it's probably more difficult for those who've had a wonderful marital relationship.
We are home alone this Memorial Day weekend. I was working in the garden and DW said she wanted to go someplace. I said, "fine, where do you want to go?" She didn't know so I suggested driving up to the Saginaw River; it's a beautiful day, there will be lots of boats and we can walk along the pier and watch people having fun. She agreed. It's a 40 minute drive and when we arrived she asked, "What are we doing here?" I reminded her that we came up to walk along the river and she said, "You go, I'll stay here." ... grrrrrr .... I said I was not going to leave her in the car and suggested that we go to another parking lot where we could get an ice cream and watch the river from the car. She asked, "What's an ice cream?" I told her she'd had one before (two days ago) and liked it. When I returned to the car with the ice cream she didn't want it, would not even try it, so we started home. On the way back I stopped at McD's and got her a burger and fries and she was happy ... should have gone there in the first place.
I tell myself it's the disease talking and I need to be patient but it's hard. I don't feel blessed, I'm more than a little discouraged, and I don't think an attitude adjustment is going to make a difference.
danielp, that has to be so discouraging! My husband can't tell me what he wants or what he wants to do - he just goes where I take him....if we go out to eat, I order what he usually ordered in that restaurant (and he will always eat what you put in front of him) and if I want to see a movie, I take my daughter and grandson with us and get my husband a popcorn and he'll sit and eat the popcorn while we watch the movie. I don't try going for drives any more... I don't think there is an attitude adjustment for us at this point. It's survival of ourselves while loving them all we can until they pass. This may seem morbid, but my husband is in stage 7, and I've more or less conceded the battle...
Dan, to have hope is great, but its far more important I think to set expectations at a point where you are not discouraged. You know what is happening, and yes its hard, but if you expect little, then its easier to have the right attitude about it all. I'm sorry you had such a disappointing day. At least you got a burger and fries out of it (or did you?). We're having soup for dinner tonight. WOW!
I find that a nice glass of red wine every evening helps relieve my stress of the day and helps me cope with the shadowing and nighttime clean up details.....
I am! You all are my antidepressant. Keep up the good work. Remember, "The sun'll come out..tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar there'll be sun...etc. etc.".
Zibby - like you I distanced myself somewhat emotionally years ago after his affair. It is different than when you have a good marriage. But what I am battling is angry that he is once again putting me through hell. He is still aMCI, but I still have to remind him, be the memory for both of us, and I have always taken care of finances.
Kathi - sorry you are going through this. I hope the meds are adjusted soon to calm him down.