Here we are......another Saturday night, I made a really wonderful marinated, grilled (by me) steak dinner with a big salad and grill asparagus. I served Jim's lemonaide in a lovely wine glass to match mine. The only thing he commented on was the glass. No comments on the great meal or the fact that I GRILLED THE FLIPPIN STEAK! This has always been his "thing" right up until last week. Now we sit, me, fresh out of the shower, smelling of his favorite body wash and shampoo, my hair damp, longing for him to run his fingers through it, but her I sit with my laptop and another glass of wine, and Jim on the sofa, watching yet another re-run. I can no longer remember the last time we went out and had fun on a Saturday night, I can no longer remember the last time we made love, I can no longer remember what it is like to get dressed up and be told that I look beautiful. I could walk through the house in a towel, a gown, a sexy nighty and get the same response......nada. I love taking care of him, I love him, but I long for adult companionship, other than my Mother, God Bless her. I know that you all understand, and that I am not alone, but I am. God I miss my husband.
Susan, you are not alone in your thoughts and desires. There is a sisterhood and brotherhood of lonely AD spouses who are living your life - lonely and desperately missing the spouse that used to inhabit the body that is sitting next to them. It's a tough road and it hurts.
I think most of us are saying the same thing. This disease sucks! It ruins your marriage and you feel guilty for going outside of the marriage looking for what is missing.
I think our mates did nothing wrong, they got a disease. This impacts our lives and we are learning to cope with the changes. Some of us are taking pills, some of us are fooling around. We do what we have to keep going. No judgement, we all cope with this in our own way.
Susan, I'm sorry your feeling so blue tonight. I understand how you're feeling, we all do. I wish I was there to give you a big hug...here's a cyber one ((((HUG!!)))) Who ever said his disease sucks, boy were they right! Take care ~Di
Put on those dancing shoes, Susie Q, and here we go to "Saturday night is the loneliest night of the week, 'cause that's the night that my sweetie and I used to dance cheek to cheek....." -- damp hair still turns me on!
Last night was the most horrible night for me in a long, long time. I've been talking with John in FL several times a day. He's been sweet and quite upbeat, considering all he's going through. Hasn't been abusive verbally or combative in any way. Just hasn't believed that I am finally managing an effort to get him home. He doesn't believe me but is going along with it. Last night, however, everything seemed to fall apart. I called the nursing home to talk to my sweetheart. All hell broke loose. Kept asking me why I wasn't there yet. Why was i in VA? (he was angry because he thought I had been there that day and had been gone for over five hours) He was downright vicious. All week long, we'd been going over what to say to the social worker, what is a POA, why does he want it revoked and transferred. Clear as a bell on everything. Suddenly, everything is angry and rebellious. Wants me to leave him alone, wants me to cancel any arrangements I've made. Doesn't want to be with me and wants me to find someone else (is still convinced I have lovers, anyway). Last night when i called to say nite-nite, he hung up on me with some muttered obscenity. This morning, things would be different, right? no . I was lambasted from the second he heard my voice. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" He doesn't seem to know I'm so far away. Wants to know why I'm in VA. He's lost all sense of time. Hope this settles down before I see him this week. Good Lord. After a week (almost) of feeling sane and in control, now this. I feel on the verge of another bout of panic. Today I'm going to stay on track....paying my bills up, neatening up the house, doing laundry and packing...."pretending" John is coming home with me. All he's got to do is keep it together for the social worker. I want him home before i loose him for good. He was all upset yesterday because he had wet his bed. Told me he thought he was dying and didn't want to die there alone without me. He said he had to lie there for a couple of hours in wet sheets. Said they've taken away all his clothing and 'real' shoes. Couldn't find his nurses button. He was so embarrassed and was sobbing. I tried to get the nurses station on the line so someone could go help him. It took two calls and over an hour before someone came to his aid. I'm so far away. I'm so helpless to help him. Now, he's so angry with me. I know things won't change if I CAN bring him home, but I know the quality of his care will be better. I bought him some new summer clothes and shoes, everything he'll need, yesterday. I miss my husband and wonder what my purpose in life is, really. I feel so alone, more alone than I've been in so long. I wish I lived in a little apartment, had some friends, never been married, never known love, never had children, never had been anywhere, had next to nothing but a job, living hand to mouth like alot of others around here.....then I wouldn't know what is out there in the world that I'm missing out on.
StuntGirl, sometimes I too have thought I would be better off today had I not married. But that's not the issue...it just so happens its WHO we married, and the roll of the dice as to what may or may not happen to them. When I was newly married, I used to worry about her going off to teach school alone in the car, and having an accident or being kidnapped, being so young and attractive. As it turned out, it was brain cancer that started all this mess, so I was worrying about the wrong thing, not that it would have helped anyway. Its too bad we don't have time to have two lives to live as mortals, and maybe we could have gotten one of them right. Hang in there.
Thanks, Joe. You and all the rest of the people on this board are who I call my friends. I learn so much from you all and feel a part of something bigger than myself. Thanks, everybody for listening to my rants and smart-alec remarks!
Doneit, gc is right about the spousal hangups, but there is always living in sin! After all, isn't that the accepted way to do it these days? You know, baby first, then move in together, then marry (if at all)? Sure backwards from the way I was taught.
As I looked back, 100% of the things that I worried about never happened.........and all the things that I did not worry or think about are either happening or will probably happen....maybe there is such a thing as preventative worrying....
Susan, don't mention POOP around Divvi and me! ROFLMAO
I don't remember when the last time was that my husband and I had a conversation! It seems like forever! It has been about 3 1/2 years ago since I remember talking and making plans and having him really with me. He continued to try for another year, but it wasn't the same. I also miss conversation and being one together - we could finish each other's sentences and enjoyed the same things.....<sigh>....I miss my husband too.
Susan, do you remember the Dear Abby column where the sweet young thing had asked for advice about what she should say when her boyfriend suggested they "get married or something", and Abby advised her to answer that they should "get married or NOTHING!" Those were the days! But times do seem to have changed -- our #2 son and his wife, as well as a couple of our favorite nieces, were in "family ways" when they married. In fact, my DW performed the wedding ceremony for one of the nieces, who is like a daughter to us. But as far as you and I are concerned, we're probably safe, aren't we?
Could not be dafeeted...most women after much "sole" searching want to truly understand what men want....we women definitely do not want not "sock it to me"....more like let's cuddle like 2 socks folded snuggly together in a warm, sweet smelling drawer!
Jimmy.....John was sitting with a very contemplative look on his face this afternoon......I asked him what he was thinking about. He said he was just thinking about that man I had spend the night with me last night and did I enjoy the sex. Weird. That's when I pull out my ipod and jack up the music and put in my earphones!
SusanL, I sit in the living room with Kathryn for hours and she doesn’t say a thing unless I start the conversation. I think maybe she just can’t process what she wants to say on her own. If I ask her how she liked dinner she will always say it was lovely and that she really enjoyed it every time. I think the thing is to remember that if there would have been compliment before our spouses became ill it is still there somewhere inside and maybe just needs a little help getting out.
You know what you might enjoy if you like to dance? If you find a dance studio in your area they normally have a night where the first hour is for anyone that comes and there is generally no charge for it. If you can arrange for someone to sit with your LO you could go on that night and there is always someone there that needs a partner for the evening.
I know what you mean about missing your LO I have nights where I look at Kathryn and I just get so sad for us both. I know she would like to go to the dance but she can’t remember the steps. As soon as she walks off the floor she forgets them.
I am thinking about getting her lessons and just explaining to the instructor that my goal is not to teach her to dance but to have a good time.
I can’t imagine how everybody deals with this for so long. I love my wife so much and I know in my heart that she loves me just as much but it is hard to sit and hold her hand sometimes when I know that she really isn’t holding mine back. We still go out to dinner and she is great socially as far as that goes but there are so many things we used to do that she can no longer do and I really miss doing them with her. I think that many of the folks on here long for the adult companionship at time. I know I do. Sometimes I thing it would be great to just have a female friend to maybe go out to dinner with and just talk or maybe even see a movie or something like that. Like you I have my father to help so I can continue to work and you are right God Bless Him. But also like you I sure miss Kathryn.
It is amazing to me how everybody can relate so well on this site. I know that everybody is basically dealing with the same issues to some degree. But it still amazes me. There are some differences. I wouldn't look all that great in a sexy nighty.
That was a joke I don’t have one any more. LOL
I hope that all is going better today. Just remember, they would if they could.
Jim, sometimes we need to write long e-mails and sometimes a couple of words will do. That is what is great about Joan's place....we write what we need to!
Speaking of socks -
The other day my husband started taking off his shoes, and put them down on the floor neatly, then took off one sock, then another, then another, then another, then switched feet and took off one sock, then another, then another - you get the picture! He had put on FOUR pairs of socks!!! I wonder if he thought his feet were cold! <grin>