i dont think i'd make false promises - you can just say things havent been so good between us for a while and while HE finds a new apt to live in you will remain at your friends to recoup from your injuries and dog sit to make some extra money! if you allow him to think you are moving back withhim after the sale you may really piss him off when he realizes it was all a ploy just to get the 12k back to leave. i wouldnt want to set him off. just be calm and say he should make plans to find a place to live and that you will see how you feel about it all once you are heeled and able to get a job again. its not leading him on in any fashion and still you can remain friendly til closing. divvi
I agree I wouldn't make false promises - THAT is something he'd remember, for sure. Just encourage him to get an apartment (almost anything is big enough for two) without saying "I won't join you there" and then when things are closed, say you really need some time to yourself for awhile.. and go back to your undisclosed location and FILE FOR DIVORCE!
but please don't trust my ideas; I haven't been there/done that.
Wow Kitty you have accomplished so much and one armed too! Great advice you're getting: promise nothing he can throw back at you but say whatever you have to get out safely whether it's on moving day or BEFORE. The force is definitely with you now but keep your wits till you're out.
Once you've experienced a "love dog" you'll never go back to kitties alone Kitty. I would be lost without my little love Bichons cuddling up with me. Even when the diva thinks she's in desperate need of an early breakfast at 5AM.
doneit - good point and brings back lots of memories of holding unbrella over myself and the little diva who doesn't like to let her little tush touch anything wet. Now I just open the door and tell them to hurry up. THEN though I often have to go running across the yard into the woods to try to lure one of them back. Still...they are my light. Husband is allergic to cats so as tempted as I get by some of the kittens we'll not have one.
Left my "love dog" this morning, hope my princess cat doesn't get jealous when we move in together. He's my new man.
Thanks all, yes, what great advice. I couldn't have come this far without you all.
Great news! I faxed my h's attorney that it was my understanding that he had agreed to pay the 12k, and that was to be in the settlement statement. I gave her my email address to confirm that & said I "had been advised to file as lis pendens regarding this matter." Showed the fax to my h & gave him a copy. Also asked her to provide me with the name, etc. of the buyer's closing attorney when she had the information.
Then, 15 minutes later (as though I had received a response from her by email, but didn't SAY that) I told him that his instructions to her needed to be in writing.
I typed up the letter for him which read:
I am writing you to inform you that I have a signed agreement with my wife ------in which it states that she will receive $12,000 upon the sale of the house at -------, which is in my name alone.
I want the settlement statement to reflect that she will be paid the $12,000, and she will be entitled to see a copy of the settlement statement prior to closing. She has requested an assurance letter from me.
I appreciate your representing me at the July 15, 2009 closing on this property.
Sincerely, h
He read it, signed it, faxed it to her !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Then he asked me for a copy. Am I dreaming? No problem whatsoever. I really think since he found out I could have it enforced by the lis pendens and that his closing wouldn't go through unless I signed a release, he is being really cooperative. Hope I don't have to invest the money to actually file it. It's looking promising.
Tried on clothes at my friend's house while Felix (the dog) & I watched the movie Sex & the City. I was amazed at what I could fit back into. Since I had to be there house sitting anyhow, I made 4 piles, fit, almost fit, friend & daughter can try on, donate. Felix & I had a great date.
Life is good. I am totally out of pain, such a relief. I can drive again. Husband signed the letter.
Once you get money in hand, I would proceed with divorce. As I stated before, I doubt very much he will even have $250,000 (filing single or separate) to claim as capital gains after deductions are allowed. Why put your life on hold any longer than necessary?
i agree kitty you most likely wont have to file jointly for him to save the capital gains tax. i too believe it is up to 250k with him only without you filing. its 500k if you file jointly. not positive but thats my thinking on it - you can find all that out later once you have 'checkin hand' worth two in the bush! :) divvi
I don't think in my state you can "file for divorce" until you've lived separate & apart for one year. (Unless you have a signed separation agreement, then it's 6 months.) That means he has until next April to find a house, file, and then maybe he would sign the separation agreement, since there's no property dispute. I figure I am proceeding with divorce by living separate & apart beginning July 4th. (I agree, I don't think he's going to need me to file jointly, but I need all the leverage I have to push this through.)
In Texas, I've known of people who filed for a non-contested divorce and as soon as it could fit into the court docket, it would be granted. I haven't heard of the one year waiting period. Matter of fact, I know one person who remarried about 4 months after leaving her husband.
That was the way I understood it from the divorce attorney here. They used to file initial "bed & board" decrees, but the laws changed. I don't live in Texas, but it sounds great. p.s. remarrying is the last thing on MY mind. I can't picture myself ever being married again after this. All I know is that I am leaving 12k or not, house sold or not. It was like a vacation this week at my friend's house. I am exhausted from moving my clothes in though, picked up hangers with my left hand, took them to the car, so lots of trips back & forth. Fortunately, my friend has so much extra closet space, I was able to get all but a few things into the house.
separation times for divorces vary from state to state just like medicaide varies as we well know. some states dont have any required waiting periods others have a yr or more. depends where you are filing for divorce. in tx generally you cant remarry until the 31st day AFTER the divorce decree is signed by the judge. and there can be no divorce officially signed off on before 60days, from the time the divorce papers are filed. i know, when my DH and i got married we were counting the days :) i had to wait 3YEARS to get a divorce from my ex. we couldnt get him served in the foreign country i lived in before-'rules' were very hard to come by.. divvi
Kitty, google "getting a divorce in (your state)" and you'll find out the requirements. I left H in 1995 for a year, I contacted an attorney, we had to have a settlement agreement and wait 6 months or maybe it was 12 I forget, and we had to prove separate residences for that period of time. After I got an attorney, he got one and they hammered out the agreement. Then we got back together a few days before we could have finalized the divorce. I figured our history, MEMORIES, child, friends, having someone to be there for me in my old age (HA HA HA) was worth a lot. Well, it worked for one of us anyway. I'm not sorry and don't let myself think about road not taken, and try not to think about no one being there for me the way I am now there for him. The way it's going I doubt I'll outlast him even though he's 10 years older than me.
Contacting an attorney NOW would be worth the money - I learned things that surprised me and definitely needed to know. The atty could probably advise how to protecti yourself against his financial actions and you may be entitled to more than you know. PLUS you need to know if he can make claim on your property - KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.
Yes, I googled & it is exactly what my divorce attorney told me. For a no fault divorce, you have to live apart for a year, unless there are no children and a separation agreement is signed by both parties, then 6 months. You go to a hearing after living apart for a year, with a witness to confirm you've lived apart, and then the judge will grant the divorce. So all actions are after the year apart.
I don't want any more than the 12k, I'll be grateful if I get that. Everything we have is separate, always has been. Separate checking, credit cards, houses, cars. Since I'm not going to be on a lease for an apartment with him AGAIN, I don't have to worry about that. The last lease, I was required to sign if living there, but they helped me get out of it when they found out he couldn't understand that he had to give 60 days notice no matter how it was explained to him. He gave 30 days, the lease was absolutely clear, and they took him to court. The judge split it down the middle, and he felt like he had "won." He kept telling the apartment people that he knew the laws! It was really embarrassing & nerve wracking.
AS was said: knowledge is power. The more you learn the more power you will have to protect yourself and your assets. Unfortunately, the IRS doesn't always care. There is a lady in Oregon I know whom the IRS came after to collect on taxes her ex-husband owed before they were divorced but they were legally separated during that time. And Oregon is not a community property state.
Today has been tough. I've been busy packing for my move July 4th. I have been thinking back to the good days with my husband. It's hard not to, when I come across mementos of the past as I pack.
He was not allowed an extension, found out several days ago, to move after the closing rather that at closing. He signed the contract on June 8 & waited until the 22 to ask for it. It should have been in the contract, but he signed that before I had a chance to look at it. Same mistake he made with the 1st contract (this is his 4th.) Odd, but on the 3rd contract, he managed to work out a deal with the buyer where he could lease the house after closing, prorated @ $1,500 per month for the number of days he needed. Whoops, he forgot this time.
At 1st I was really upset, because now he is in a bind, not having any money. Of course, he looks to me for money. I told him to get a loan from his brother. But by last night I was caving. He had walked around talking about these Smart Boxes he could put on the street & move stuff into them himself for $199 with a coupon. I gave him a check last night for $150. If he had at least discussed the contract with me, he wouldn't be in this position. As today wore on, I felt worse, what will he do? So I asked him if he would have enough money with the check I wrote him. (I KNEW he would have too much pride to go to his younger brother who still has HIS inheritance & makes $40,000 per year on rentals.)
To my surprise & amazement, he told me he had forgotten a stock account he's had for a year & 1/2, "sitting there collecting interest" worth $400 and he was going to cash it in tomorrow. He really had actually forgotten! He said with my check & that, he would be o.k.
Anyhow, found birthday cards with things like: To My Sexy Wife, etc. Couldn't bear to pitch them YET. My last 2 birthdays he forgot, as well as our anniversaries. All of this stuff has been in storage for 2 years.
What keeps me going now is imagining what I will do with my rental house after living with my friend. How I'll decorate, etc. I am leaving him stuff I paid for, but he likes, so he'll feel like he's at home wherever he lands.
He knows I am not putting my stuff with his. He knows I have movers coming, just doesn't know when. I arranged for them to come on a Saturday when he's playing tennis. I hope it doesn't rain, but hey, this is no secret anymore. We have to be out, and he knows I am not going where he's going. Just felt like getting this out. This type of change is emotional. I thought today of all the Christmas & Thanksgiving dinners here, etc. I'm finally leaving my home of 11 years.
Oh Kitty, thinking about you all the time, of course it's going to be emotionally difficult leaving your home of so long. You're an inspiration to me holding it together like you are taking one step at a time even when you have to do that with one arm!
GO GO GIRL! You deserve the best. It will be worth it.
grieving we know is part of the healing process. in this case it also applies kitty. divorce is some ways is just as bad. like everything else time heals -even a bad marriage had some good times- you will be ok once you get past these times and independent again. divvi
kitty, this has to be difficult. It's good that you have something positive to look forward to. Keep working on those decorating plans. Please keep us posted.