Hi all, I've missed my Alz Spouse family. I fell down my very steep back indoor stairs, fractured 9 ribs, broke my collar bone. I've been in an immense amount of pain, and it is still very difficult to type. Pls. excuse errors. Surgery scheduled for next week, the 27th, to put a screw into my collar bone to reconnect.
Anyhow, financially things have really plummeted. My husband started writing bad checks. I found out by calling his bank's automated system. Others I discovered in the mail. His answer to this was to open up an account at another bank. His "job" dried up. He's started some crazy new "scheme" loaning money (not his) to people who need business equipment with bad credit.
The writing bad checks was the lowest point of my reality. He obviously has poor judgement, among other things. The 3rd contract on the house fell through. He has a figure he wants for the house, which realistically he will never get.
My son got involved. His solution? Spoke to my husband about renting out this house for $1,500 & moving into my rental property & he would have a profit to help him with money. My son would pay for the move, pay my mortgage, etc. I was so depressed at the thought of this. This man is a bottomless pit of need. When he was able, he chose not to work, choosing instead to play the stock market making very little money & spinning down his inheritance.
No need to rehash the past. I spoke to my son yesterday & was honest about all the debts my husband has incurred, gave him examples of his behavior. I told him that he had been paying 400+ for health insurance, but now wants to go with some $100 per month plan. So...my son finally saw the light & for the 1st time realized the seriousness of the situation. I told him I wanted to move out & he agreed with me. He will help in any way he can.
I have watched over the year many of you struggling with the decision to place your spouses. This is sort of the opposite, but still a major life change. If someone had told me years ago this is where I would be at age 59, I could not have imagined it. I am so worn out by the rants (which have disappeared since my fall, except an occasional short temper & raising of the voice.) I am worn out by bill collectors calling. I never know who is going to come after "us" next. I gave my husband $900 last month to pay his health insurance & make the payment on his line of credit. His check to Anthem was returned. Where did the money go? I also gave him $125 for my 1/2 of utilities, they bounced also. Then he got upset, because I wouldn't give him $50 for the electric bill. I told him I wasn't going to pay twice for the utilities. He would have to ask his brother.
I can't do anything until after my surgery. I have been looking on Craig's List for shared housing. I feel like anything would be better than living like this. He is sucking the life out of me. I am nervous about this, but trying to look at it as an adventure. My husband seems happy, he had thanked my son for his offer of help. Sure, someone else to bail him out. That's where it stops, when my son has to help support HIM.
Am hoping my tenants renew. Will find out by Tues. It would be less expensive to move in with someone. Someone who pays for their own groceries. What my husband eats at one meal, what would last me 4 days.
He is now going to storage to clear out the unit. Before he wouldn't let the boxes be put back into the house while he was showing it. I told him I couldn't afford to pay $86 per month for that. It's been in storage for almost 2 years, have no idea what's in there.
Just wanted to check in, let you know where I was. This will be an interesting journey.
((Kitty)) I can't imagine all you are going through with your husband. I know this has been a painful time for you and we will support you in any choice you make. I am glad to hear you have your son's support. Good boy :) I am so sorry to hear you are so badly hurt. Yikes! I hope your surgery goes well and will be keeping you in my thoughts ((hugs))
kitty, you have been thrut he wringer for sure and my gosh it is time you get out as soon as possible. its very unfortunate your having this horrible fall on top of the spiriling out of control husband. could you move in with your son til you recoup and not have to spend there? now that he knows the situation maybe it would be a temporary solution til you recoup from surgery and can try for another job. with all you are finding out, its time to cut the cord and turn your spouse over to the brother to supervise and bail him out before hes in too far over his head and winds up being prosecuted for bad checks. your concern now is your own health and ability to get your life back on track. so sorry to hear about this kitty, please let us know how you fair after surgery, and stay in touch! you have many friends and support here. big hugs!divvi
Kitty, I am so glad that you are healed enough to type and check in here. Everyone has been very concerned about you. Your son is a wonderful guy and I'm so glad that he is helping you. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'll be saying extra ones on the 27th when you have your surgery. Take good care of Kitty and know that you are loved. (((HUGS))))
Ditto to all the other comments. Just happy to hear from you and hope and pray you will have a swift recovery. I agree with Divvi that staying with your son temporarily would at least get you out of the situation until you are healed and ready to move on, as you must. All the best.
Thanks all. Son lives in NYC in a one bedroom with his fiancee.
Guess what I wanted to add is that things have spiraled so out of control, husband makes major decisions without discussing w/ me, the impact on my life is enormous. He's too able to be placed. SO if I can't be in control of my life, I have to make a change that will get rid of this feeling of powerlessness I have. I just need some peace. Who knows what he will do next.
Dear Kitty, we've all been thinking about you. You were missed. And I'm sure that, like the cats you love so much, you'll land on your own two feet. Our prayers and best wishes. Kitty, it's really good to have you back.
Kitty, sorry about the fall, once the surgery is over and the arm and ribs are on the mend, you will feel stronger emotionally as well as physically. I wish you were close to me I would come over and hug you and make you some soup and help you pack. Have you made any arrangements to seperate your finances from his. are you on the checking account that he is bouncing the checks on??? I am so proud of your son. You are in my prayers.
(((Hugs))) to you Kitty. Good luck with your surgery next week (I'm having gall bladder surgery Tuesday). I hope you can get some peace for yourself. Best Wishes.
Kitty, I'm glad you checked in, we've been worried about you. So sorry about the fall you took. I hope your surgery goes well and that you continue to heal. I'm so happy your son has finally seen the light and is now able to support you and the decisions you need to make. As for that husband of yours, I have no words! Please take care, and welcome back! (((HUGS))) ~Di
Kitty, I am so sorry for all your misfortune. Seems like you are kind of accident prone lately, first you break your elbows, now this. All on top of the stress you have. Please take care of yourself. Hugs, Kadee
Thanks for all the well wishes! Nice to be missed. I missed you all too.
Accident prone? That's nothing. I was in a cast for broken arms seven consecutive years, beginning in elementary school, ending in middle school. My neighbor 2 doors down fell down steps identical to mine 2 weeks after I did. He didn't fall as far, but unfortunately his stairwell had exposed brick, so on top of hurting his leg & butt, he was very scraped up. This house is 100 years old, and the steepness of the rear indoor stairs would never be allowed to be built today.
Deb, good luck with your surgery. You go in the day before I do.
Kitty, So sorry to hear of your accident. I have missed you. Have you seen a lawyer? I really don't know but it seems like you either have to divorce him so you can stabalize your financial situation or declare him incompetent. Keep posting because many of us are learning from your situation. I am sure lots of people end up in dire financial straits because of a demented spouse's inability to handle finances. Like I have told friends, I have to make sure I stay financially ok or else the whole ship sinks. (Currently I am unemployed, so it is getting harder to keep the ship from sinking.)
My son is going to make some calls to attorneys. I had thought about doing it from forms on line, but there are papers to be filed with the court, etc. I am definitely going the divorce route. I know I have played around with the idea before, but things have spiraled so out of control in the past weeks. Another bounced check notice in the mail last night. He saw that one, I've been saving the others. I now know exactly what they look like, charming 2 post cards bound together at the top & bottom, so I can bend them & see the info inside.
I am very fortunate. I called a friend this morning, updated her on the situation, she was aghast. She said I could stay with her. So, I will pay her $350 per month & then in Sept/Oct I can stay at my cousin's house. She has one an hour away from me & one in Florida. I just have to pay the utilities. It is an imposition on my friend, she's been dating a guy for several years & his daughter lives with him. So their only privacy is her house. But she has a big heart & said, we'll make it work. I have really reached the point that I am fearful of what kind of financial situation my husband will get into next, and don't want to spend the next 10 years of my life paying $ for his inept decisions. For all I know, the electricity could be cut off momentarily. Call waiting showed up yesterday when I was on the phone, the electric co./CREDIT. He is back in his office now, seemingly oblivious to all.
This crazy company he started, he said he is getting lots of calls on. Yeah, show me the money. He went on sales calls day before yesterday, God help him, with frayed at the hem jeans/tennis shoes. Oh my. (Haven't heard his cell phone ring all day, no calls for him on the land line.)
Anyhow, seems you can get a divorce in 6 months here. Just a matter of healing from my surgery. Then the count down & move. I am just taking some clothes & my computer. I can't worry about "stuff" right now.
kitty, glad your friend came thru and you can stay there. you do need to file for separation asap earlier the better the clocks starts from that day the 6mos. plus you should be off the hook for creditors from that day. so sorry its come to this but its probably your best choice for a future. after the surgery is over you can start fresh. divvi
Thanks. Do you know if it starts on the day I move or does it start when I file for separation? I'm having someone drive me to the post office tomorrow to rent a p o box & start changing my address on everything.
Kitty, I'm not divvi, but in many states you have to file. You can go to one of those store-front legal clinics to get the ball rolling fast and inexpensively, and then look for another lawyer. Under your circumstances, you do NOT want a "do-it-yourself" type divorce that people in less complicated situations can have.
It's actually pretty simple. He owns his house, I own mine. Same for cars. No joint accounts, no kids. Only his debts that worry me. I'm just hoping he can't afford an attorney, or won't want to pay for one. I guess I'll do a little research. I'm still in lots of pain, & using the computer really hurts. But I guess you're saying just get someone cheap to file the separation agreement. I was supposed to get $12,000 upon the sale of the house, but I'm kissing that good bye.
since your divorce doesnt involve alot of properties or agreements, it should be pretty cut and dry kitty. any atty could handle it for a min amount of money. i would use a local atty just in case anything comes up later you can have them for backup.. ie-creditors etc -i would think you have to file first to get the ball rolling and a date on the document. ask a local atty. they know your specific state laws. good luck. divvi make sure the atty puts in the decree that when the house sells you get paid the 12k!!
Kitty, I haven't checked in for a couple of days and found this today about your accident and all the other problems. So sorry you have to go through all this but so glad you have a place to go. Sounds like you need to get out of there as soon as possible and start some legal action. How about the job you loved? Are they holding it for you?
Kitty, in NYS legal separation begins when you file. You can actually file and still be living in the same house. Legal separation is not reall interested in where yu live, only in that you have filed, then you get the divorce after having been legally separated the allotted period of time. Best of luck with hte surgery.
Have been mostly concentrating on waiting for my surgery (Wed.) to help with this pain. No, the job wasn't held. :-(
I will start contacting lawyers on Tues., but will have to wait until the following week for appt. since I can't drive now, but hopefully soon after the surgery. If I find out you are right chris, then I will begin proceedings, but don't want him to know yet.
He's out playing tennis, Wachovia called. ( The guy said where he HAD an account.) This is the bank where he used up his $5,000 of overdraft protection & then started with the checks being returned for non sufficient funds.
Things seem to be falling into place though. I've found a friend to let me stay with her, another friend called this morning and she said I could use a huge room in her basement to store my furniture. She has a 6,000 sq. ft. house, her office & family room are down there & then there's an enormous room that's empty that she was planning to turn into a fitness room before she started HER divorce. I feel so blessed to have these friends. The friendships go back 20+ years & I've never needed help before. I guess I certainly do now. So lucky also to have my great son.
When I talked to my friend this morning, my question to her was, should I take everything I plan to take now, or should I wait until I'm "settled." She said no, get it all out now, & bring it to my place. You never know what he will do with it. So now I will actually take the furniture I've purchased, my art work, etc. (Just the framing of it was an investment.) It is a big relief.
My tenants told me last night they were staying one more year. Yet another relief, something else not to have to deal with.
I discovered 3 rings are missing. I will have to go through my jewelery once more to be sure. One was an opal my mother left me. We've had so many realtors & people coming through here, but then it could be my husband. He has sold stuff on Ebay, and I noticed he had polished up a large sterling baby bowl & saucer that came from Tiffany's. It has some classic children's story embossed on it. I figure he's trying to sell it on Ebay. I didn't ask. Few words are exchanged between us these days. He never even mentioned the conversation he had with my son regarding renting this house & moving into mine. His back is so up against the wall, I just can't figure out why he didn't take the last offer on the house. They wanted to knock off 50k, but prices have fallen & I would consider him lucky to have a contract on the house.
Kitty, I have thought about you all weekend. can you son come on and move your stuff before the surgery and then you can recoup at your friend's house. I am so worried about him selling your treasures, what else is he willing to do for money. Please do not try to recoup at home. Please go to your friend's house until you are physically strong enough to defend yourself. love you and thinking about you Phyllis
Thanks Phyllis - Son is on an extended business trip in San Diego. June 27 was the 1st date available. (I found my rings!) It's been o.k. recuperating here. He really hasn't bothered me at all, except the usual annoying conversations.
Another friend, the one with the 6,000 sq. ft. house called yesterday afternoon (we had talked in the a.m. about my storing my stuff there) & told me she really wanted me to come & stay with her. I have a choice of the large room (size of 2 very large bedrooms+) with full bath in the basement or her upstairs guest room. Wow, 2 places to stay! I am leaning toward her offer, since she doesn't have the boyfriend "problem" the other does. The other has a boyfriend whose daughter lives with him, and I would be infringing on her privacy or making myself scarce when needed.
As I type (typing doesn't bother me as much now, but I have to stand up to use my mouse) my husband is in bed watching tennis. I looked up bad/NSF checks for my state yesterday, google, and found he could get into trouble, civil/criminal. The bank just called again, I recognize the # now. These calls started Sunday. I mentioned to him yesterday that he could get into trouble for the checks he wrote w/out available funds. He said the only one that hadn't gone through was the one to Anthem. I didn't discuss it. WHAT? Is he trying to make me believe this? He knows that he had overdraft protection for $5,000 that was used up and hence he opened an account at another bank. I've seen the statement from Wachovia. What a mess.
Kitty, at this point "silence may be golden". until you get out and get your things out of the house. I don't think you are going to get through to him.
i agree -silence and move your stuff to the friends house asap. speak with an atty today and tell him your situation. maybe he can get 'separation filing' going and can tentively fax it for you to sign so he can get to work on protecting your interests and get a 'date' starting this week,then after surgery go in and sign real docs.. discuss by phone to see what can get done. you shouldnt wait around, hubby could be doing stuff you dont know about and creating more financial debt. to open an acct at another bank he would have to deposit a min amount to open it. where'd he get the money to open a new acct? i would get all any valuables and lock them up somewhere today. divvi
In my state, the 2 parties have to sign the separation AGREEMENT. (At least the sites I googled said this.) A friend of mine is still waiting more than a year to get her husband to sign hers. She can divorce now, but is out of money from all the visits with the attorney. I don't want to give my husband a heads up. If I try to get him to sign it before I can move, then I am asking for trouble. I will see an attorney once I can drive, which should be 2 weeks after the surgery tomorrow. Otherwise, I just have to wait either 6 months or a year (still don't know, but with both signing the agreement it is 6 months.) Hopefully he will sign it, but I doubt it. You can also have it served on him, but I thought this was more hopeful.
My plan is to hope the weather is good for tennis on June 27th, my son & friend will move me out, then present the separation agreement in my son's presence. He will explain to my husband that I am fearful of the financial situation, debts, etc. If it rains, then we will still have to go ahead as planned.
When I am able, I will be gradually taking smaller things he won't notice to my friend's house. I need to whittle down my clothes, but I can't try on anything, because I am unable to lift my right arm. Just for a laugh, try to imagine me in a yellow slip on over the head stretch bra with stretch straps, which I put on by pulling up from my feet. My sports bras have that v in the back & are too tight for this maneuver. I have been wearing a sleeveless pajama top, which has buttons, because I can't get anything over my head. Need to wash that again today for my big event.
He claims he used his final pay check (not really a pay check, that would involve having a JOB, but rather a payment on a claim) to open the new account.
Remembered today I have a safe deposit box, which I got for free when I refinanced my house a couple of years ago, but have never used & don't have a clue as to where the key is. My bank is within walking distance, so after the surgery, I will go over & request a new key/box & start putting my important documents & jewelry in it. That will give me some peace of mind. Maybe I'll find the key, I found the rings. After he moved us into the apartment 2007, I've never known what was here & what was in storage. Now I have 56 boxes in my front living room to go through. Did I mention he went to storage & got all out?
I've told him not to touch the boxes until after my surgery until I am able to go through it. So far, so good. I did open 5 boxes marked IRS & got out some past returns, otherwise I would not have had even a copy. Those will go into the bank, as well as anything else, like his bank statements, etc. which I have discovered over the past couple of weeks.
I have my yellow pages next to me, and will try to make some calls to attorneys today. My most pressing question is whether or not I will be at all responsible for his debts, which he alone made, and the bank account & credit card were not joint.
Thanks so much for your care & concern. Without this site I would feel so alone. I have told some friends, but it's not the same. I really don't think my son understands completely. He said he purposely waited at the hospital to see if my husband could find his way back to my room, and my husband went the wrong way. Then when I was discharged, my son gave him a ride to his car, but we drove all around until he could remember where it was. My son said, I can see he has a memory problem, but he seems o.k. during conversations. Where do you begin? It is SO difficult to explain, except here.
Kitty I have been thru this YOu are not resposible for any debts that you are not a co signer on. And this is for ANY state. Just make sure that you do not sign anything with him or open any bank accounts with him. Also when you present him with the papers or if he is present when your son is moving you out, have a sheriff deputy present. It is always better safe than sorry. Remember I worked law enforcement for over 20 years. It is amazing at the reponse that some men have when they realize that their wife really means it. Just request a deputy to "stand by" they do it all the time. I am so proud of you for standing up and making this brave decision. Oh yes, make sure that he is does not have access on the safe deposit box, you might have to update the information.
Oh shellseeker, what a burden lifted, thank you so much! (Still feeling uneasy, but so hoping you are correct.) I wouldn't dare sign anything with him. Is that being too extreme to ask to have a deputy present? Do they charge for this? Is this everyday practice?
Thanks also for your affirmation. He doesn't even know I have a safe deposit box.
No it is NOT extreme, you do not know what his reaction will be and you need to have "the law" present. Yes is is everyday practice and No they will not charge.
kitty check email. sent you a very informative website-..lots of questions answered! divvi
ps i do beg to differ that debt accrued by either party during marriage in a community property state is considered community debt shared by both spouses. :)
Kitty, praying that the surgery you had yesterday the 27th went well. Let us know when you can, we are all thinking about and praying for a rapid recovery so you can get on.
Oh Kitty, I don't know what to say except, that I, like so many others here, am praing for you. Stay strong, you can get through this, and we will all be here to help keep you mentally strong. You are very luck and deserving, to have such wonderful friends. Arms around, Susan
target date set for june 27. wachovia has called about every 20 minutes today from 3 different numbers. i told them to try him tomorrow - whew. can hold phone, called 2 attorneys today, have to call back mon. morn.