My daughter has been here from Florida for almost three months helping me. She went home on Sunday, so here I am alone. How long has it been since I lived alone? Like a lot of my generation, never. I have a lot of adjusting and after six years of careing for my husband I know I can handle this, but have had a few bad days of being lonely. It as been two and a half months since I placed Ralph in a care home. Two weeks ago I had to move him to another facility. The first home, even though I checked it out, turned out to be not what I was told. Personnel problems plus a list of other things. I have done a lot of soul searching on how I could have done things differently, but came to the conclussion that I could not have known about the problems. Oh how I hated to move him and have him start over again in a new home. It has been tough on him, but I now know it is for the best. I have black and blue marks from beating myself up!! The sundowning has become so bad, that we have struggled with his meds to keep him calm. I have been working with hospice to acheive the best mix of meds for him. He is sweet and easy to care for during the day and then come evening he is a different person. Over the weekend he was over medicated and could hardly move, but with an adjustment of the meds he is doing better now. Hospice has been right there to help. They are wonderful and I am so thankful for their help. I know I am going to have so lonely times, but I was lonely before I placed him, but it is different now. I am trying to reach out to old friends, and do have a good support system which I am so thankful for. But I still go through the house saying "Ralph why did you have to leave me". Self pity is not a pretty sight!!
Dear Darlene: I know how you feel, having gone thru the same things. To this day I don't know how I was able to place my DH. I'd have rather taken a beating. It was the best thing for both of us, but still, I just wanted to go bring him back, thinking I'd do more, I'd work it out, but the hard truth is that I am only one ordinary woman who cannot do the full time job of a staff of professionals. You are lucky to have a support system, as I was. It will take time, but we do adjust. As for me, I'd gotten a big yellow lab when DH got sick. It was a good focus for him, we'd always had dogs, and I thought it would be company for me when he left. Sophie is still w/me, she's 13 now and has been an absolute blessing for both of us. I also rent rooms to male students from a nearby university. That keeps the house busy and altho I am alone, it keeps life in the house. I am not suggesting you do any of this, but I want to assure you that other thing and other people will come into your life--even tho your DH will still be your main concern--and it will be OK. It will be different, but give it time, it will be OK. A little self pity is warranted. If you can't have it now, when can you?
You probably have searched the internet already for sundowning tips but if not, do use your browser and type in sundowning in Alzheimers. Lots of websites and good information in treating the problem. www.healingwell.com was very informative. sometimes you are more knowledgeable than the medical and other staff in the nursing home and you can suggest interventions for your hubby.
Hello Ladies, my husband is still at home not in the stages you have had to go threw already. However, we no longer carry on in depth conversations to confusing for him now..We no longer go to far from home..But, this is the lonely part...My son and his girlfriend had moved here from out of state..She is only 19 and my son 25..He decided he really wanted to be "FREE" and well she had no where to go so she stayed with us until she got enough money from her job to get an apartment. Today she moved into her place..While I am very happy for her and hubby is very happy to have no one living here any longer...I am very lonely..She cried when we said good bye at her place..Told me now I have some where to run away too..SO CUTE of her...But I feel sad, like an empty nest all over again...As well as some one to talk to about so many things..I am rambling so very sorry..BUT, I like the idea of later when I am trying to figure out what to do, renting rooms to college students sounds great..Thanks Renee
Hello Darlene; I am sorry to hear that your DH is not doing well and that you had to move him again, I know how very hard this is on you. The loneliness sometimes comes in waves for me, other times I can manage a whole day without too many tears. We just have to keep putting one foot in front of te other and remember that we still have to live while we are doing what is best for our dear husbands. I have one friend whose husband works on Sunday nites, so now Sunday's we take turns cooking each other dinner and watching a movie or playing cards or just a cup of tea. On Wednesdays I go and visit other families in our area whose loved ones have AD in the evening, I remember how lonely it was when JR was home and some company would have been so nice. The school where I work is trying to do some fundraising , so now on Fridays I cook a meal for two and the students raffle off the tickets. As well of course I have my regular visits to JR. So I have found that keeping busy for me is the key to dealing with the loneliness. Not that I don't have my pity parties, I do, and I know there will be many hard days still to come but I am now starting to do things for me without the quilt. On a side note the Neuro saw JR last week and confirmed that he was in the final stage of AD, they have pulled Aricept and we are hoping that he will eat better, but I truly believe that he has forgotten how to chew. So protien shakes and kept as comfortable as possible is what we will do. He still knows me and both our children so that is a bonus. Take good care Darlene, I think of you often across the miles Kathy
Kathy, Oh how hard for you to see you LO in this final phase of AD. I am so glad he knows you and the children. Good for you, finding things to do that interest you. I am so proud of you learning to live your life. I am still trying to find my way. I have been able to fill my days, with visits to Ralph and friends, but have a hard time coming home to an empty house. It has only been a week since my daughter left and it is getting easier, but still have that pity party at times. Ralph is doing better and with the med adjustment he is getting used to his new home. It is such an improvement over the first place and that makes it easier on me and him. Ralph knows me, but not that I am his wife or my name. One of my friend's MIL is next door to Ralph. When they were visiting her, her husband saw Ralph and Ralph said "hi Steve". Figure out that one. Thanks for your good thoughts and I will keep you in my prayers. Darlene