In today's blog, I talked about the joy we feel, when our spouse "returns" for a brief period of time. I don't know what causes this phenomenon; I only know that many, many spouses have told me that it happens. Sid and I have experienced a bit of it for the past couple of weeks. Check out the blog and let us know if you have had this experience and how you felt about it.
The brief returns are nice memories but nothing more. When Bill called me Honey, it was a good feeling but I knew by the time I answered him he had forgotten who I was. What really bothers me is when he will come up and put his arms around me and start telling me how he loves me and how important I am to him. Just about the time I start remembering how good it felt to be in his arms and to hear him say these things, he will start talking about going to visit his parents (gone for well over 20 years). Now I wonder did he know me for those few moments or was I just someone who was there with him. I can usually tell by looking into his eyes if he really knows. His eyes always sparkled and now that is changed to nothing. When I see that sparkle again, it makes me feel good all over because I know he remembers.
My aim now isn't to have him remember me, but for him to love me or at least like and trust me for who I am now.
Wow, yeah...I'm far too self-protective a person to really "get into" any brief reminders of the way things were. I try to be there for him, but I sure don't let my defenses down.
Sometimes he just blows my mind by talking sensible about things and start a conversation and I chime in, so happy he will "talk" to me again and first thing you know he starts gibberish or talking nonsense. If it would only last a day, wouldn't that be nice? Its the roller coaster things.
Damn, but I have always hated roller coasters...now I know why. I'm on that same ride..friends ask if today is a good day..good day? No more good days,..okay perhaps, semi-okay, but good? Not likely. And of course, they wouldn't want to hear any of that. Long few days..whine time.
Like many of you, I have had to "harden my heart" to these brief moments of lucidity. I used to get so hopeful and thrilled when he would reappear, but now I know that none of it is real. He will NEVER get better, and I can't let anything cloud that fact in my mind. There is a quote from the movie, Delores Clayborne, that I run through my mind at those times-"Sometimes, being a high-riding bitch is all a woman has to hold onto". Strangely, it helps!
In the morning when he first gets up you can carry on a conversation. It may not be an in depth conversation but it is better than later in the day. By six he is talking pure nonsense. Do we own this place or or we visiting? Where do I sleep? Do they pay you because you do a lot of work around here? Sometimes he says you have a boyfriend and again I have 2 boyfriends. I pray every day for a good day for me and all of you.
Bama I have that, in the morning he is fairly good come around 3 in the afternoon it is where do I sleep, where do you work, bring me home, I need money always has a price on things and has this thing about numbers, puts a number on his room and like i sleep in 122 or whatever no. comes into his mind. I pray for this to end but i know i will have many long days of this, god bless you all and keep posting it really helps me to read these
DH was very conversational, could problem solve, plan, etc in mid-December when he left hospital. He was so good that I wondered if he had been misdiagnosed. He was GREAT until 2 weeks ago - now he has difficulty remembering what he/we are doing, etc. I thought I was prepared for this again, but I've discovered that I am not - I am very disappointed that his baseline has dropped to where it was in July and strangely I feel as though he's been taken away a second time. I kept telling myself it was a fuke in the disease and that his memory loss would return but secretly I had hoped it wouldn't.
My dh seems to have the opposite problem. When he get up in the morning, he doesn't have a clue what he supposed to do. I have to tell him every single move and put everything out for him . And then he still doesn't see the items. Later in the morning and afternoon, he's fairly good. Then again at bedtime it starts all over. I could scream in the morning (sorry to say, but sometimes I dol). I will put toothpaste on his toothbrush and then he'll ask me if that's what he shaves with.
It's the transitions. As long as they're sitting in the recliner or lying in the bed, they're ok. They seem reasonable But whenever you need them to DO something, the confusion comes. That's why I've found that being as consistent, and as non-confrontational, as possible. If you put toothpaste on today, remember to do it tomorrow.
And yes, the really good periods return sometimes. Hate to say it, but don't get your hopes up. They go, too.