For me, the anger shown by my spouse since dx has been the most difficult part of the disease. It hasn't been anywhere near what Joan has described, yet, it is extremely distressing and the complete opposite of the personality my husband has had for all these years. However, I'm wondering if anyone else has the same reaction I do. In my mind, the other changes and losses pale by comparison to it. I think because I've experienced the anger, strangely, I am more able to cope with the memory loss, confusion, and general inability to do "simple" tasks. I hesitate to call it the silver lining, but I know that if rage was never present, I would be more focused on the sadness of the decline in general. I'm so relieved when he's in a good mood, that I think I can handle what comes in the other areas, as long as he's calm and pleasant.
I agree completely. Without the anger directed right at me, along with the verbal abuse, I would be more sympathetic and better able to handle the rest.
The anger will, eventually, die. My husband expressed his by going with his children to the bank and closing all accounts that I, as P.O.A., was paying all expenses from. This left me with $31,000.00 of bounced checks to make good (a 6 foot stone retaining wall had come down, among other things). I had to borrow money to do so. When his children then stopped visiting him, his anger towards me died. It could be argued that his children and ex-wife played a major role in this, but I know my husband's anger was part of it, too. His anger was, I think, because he knew he was losing control of his mind and therefore his life. He needed to be in control: I was the handiest target that would put up with it.
our anger issues were no where near what poor joan is going thru. but the snide remarks and the continuous vigilence to ensure that his aggressiveness didnt escalate was a constant concern and resorting to zyprexa helped us get thru this era. it was about 2yrs early on into the disease. it was the most unpleasant part for me as well. poop patrol with a docile smiling easy to manage spouse is nothing compared to a glaring scowling evil eyes constantly shadowing your moves. it seems like an eternity but i remember all too well how hard it was and how i howled at nite by myself, the 'why us' over and over. like giving birth the pain of childbirth is overwhelming during the process but after you never remember all the real pain you suffered. kinda where i am today. joan and all of you who are going thru this phase its a very trying time and the only recommendation i can give is to be vigilant about increasing their medications as needed. they grow tolerant to current doses quickly and need periodic adjustments to even out the temper and aggitation that seemingly goes along with the disease. FTD we know causes more them more than normal aggressive states. i would be addressing meds every few months as needed. its not going to help you be a better caregiver by just trying to preserve their self integrity and allowing them to be themselves as long as possible and trying to not take advantages of the medications out there. being 'themselves' maybe somthing you wont want to last very long. prayers for all of you going thru this. divvi
Divvi, beautifully said. I, for one, felt like maybe the medication I was giving him to ease his pain in his legs and help him sleep at night was almost as much for me as for him. My husband has never displayed the anger, resentment, and verbal abuse that Joan and others have had to endure. In this area, I have been fortunate.
Mary75, you have been through the ringer with those stepkids! I hope that you are able to enjoy some peace with your husband now, without the kids interferring and starting things up again.
Here is my thinking, for what it is worth: The anger won't stop. It will always simmer in the background and erupt at the worse possible occasions when you are least prepared to deal with it. Those of you who have to deal with anger as Joan does, must medicate your spouse for BOTH of you. It is the best for both of you that you both have as much peace as possible while you are dealing with everything else this insidious disease puts their bodies and minds through, and therefore eats away at us and our ability to care for them.
Mary, it's none-cease with the stepkids. Since Feb., they've been threatening to take the Co-committee and me to court to remove our authority. Big meeting day tomorrow about this, two lawyers there. I'm going to see a stress counsellor next week. The nightmares are back. I need to "stiffen up my spine", as Divvi would say.
Marilyn, you know I completely agree with you. Now the anger issue is down to nasty irritability which is unpleasant, but better than the tantrums of the past. I don't want to look at the next stage of FTD as I don't truly know how I could cope with more. We now exist side by side, and that is a lousy way to live....but better than things being thrown, hitting, yelling etc.
Joan, Marilyn, Dagma and Kathi, I hope your spouses' anger subsides soon and you are able to have some relief. You and the others going through this are in my thoughts and prayers. ((((HUGS))))
This topic is on the mark for us right now. I'm not able to post that much and lurk more BUT this last weekend was so outrageous that DH temper overflowed into the home of our son/grandson and he was ordered out of their home..it upset everyone and caused finally, the daughters to start reaching out for HELP..Unfortunately for him, it resulted in having no one to drive him to the pastures, a return of the golf cart (that he believed was theirs), and now he's just sitting here. I wasn't present when he decided to go down there and give them a piece of his mind.. but daughter in law told me later that she yelled at him. ordered him out and it was ugly.. I'm so sorry..but what he has accomplished by doing this, is to cut himself off from the major source of transportation to check our pastures and etc. Our grandson took him regularly but no longer. The anger was directed at grandson because he 'thought' he saw grandson driving wrecklessly.. This did not occur.. Grandson was no where near the area where DH saw wreckless driving.. Even though we all KNOW DH has a disease..bad behavior doesn't make any of us willing to endure the seeming non stop difficulties of the last two weeks.
Has anyone noticed if the periods of what I call 'uproar' seem to conclude with a step toward further decline? Since the outburst, he's been extremely quiet, spending most of the day in his chair with his wordfind puzzle..the weather is beautiful, ordinarily he'd be outside 'working' in the garden or pulling weeds etc. Not sure if he's feeling sorry for what he did..since he hasn't mentioned it at all.
He has probably forgotten the incident, or at least the details of it. I know when Sid and I have a big "discussion", the EMOTION of the incident remains with him, but by the next day, he is unable to remember any of the details.
After the time of rage comes the time of utter burnout. Though all is lost for me I do prefer the burnout. Now I can get on with my life on my own terms. This doesn't mean that I don't grieve for what our lives should have been.
I have to think that my late husband's obstinance and complete personality change were the things that helped me take care of him. It was easier to disconnnect from someone who had little or no resemblance to the real person. It all became very clinical and unemotional. I told people that my poor husband died many years ago...it was just his body I was taking care of. Sounds so cold...but it served me well.
Mary - thanks for your concern. Yes, my husband's anger has been replaced by the sweet man I used to know. But, it came after a long hard time. The last episode when he was becoming violent, his medication was changed and that helped him turn the corner. I went to his doctor's office that day and sat in the waiting room. The staff didn't want me to stay because I didn't have an appointment. I told them that I wasn't leaving until I saw the doctor because I couldn't go home with him being so explosive. I know it is hard on us, but I think it is very hard of them to be acting in such ugly ways. But, they do seem to relish in being so ugly.
Last night we went to see a play, and it was a surreal experience! One character had been inhabited by the spirits of several other people. If she became upset by anyone, she went into a trance. So all the other characters tiptoed around her and were constantly telling her she was right about everything, fibbing, and doing exactly what we are supposed to do with our LO's with dementia. I thought we were seeing a portrayal of my daily life, it was exactly like living with my husband! And he was sitting right next to me, watching the play.
I do agree that anti psychotic medication should be mandatory when these behaviors are present. Also, I think I've become more adept at realizing what will set him off. The hardest time was early in the disease process, when tantrums came as a surprise. Now that I've know what the "irritants" are, it's easier to avoid the conflicts.
((Joan)) Just read your blog and I thought my tears were all used up...nope! accck. Your whole post effected me... but it was your last paragraph that brought the tears. ((Casey)). As for dear Sid, I don't know.... I wonder if that fantasy can come true for you. I wonder because I truly don't think he will remember any of things AD has caused him to do. *sigh
This is still so hard for me to talk about. Lynn was just as bad, if not worse. Nothing could take his rages away. I read and read and everyone implied it was a "stage"... that it would stop. I waited and waited, yet even on medication he continued to get worse. The worst of it was the past 5 years when the physical abuse was added to the verbal. But, he had these rages for over 8 years. The medications have tampered them, but he does still have them. The difference is now that he is in the nursing home, they are not aimed at me.
Water works are starting up again.... I just feel so badly for all of us having to deal with this aspect of AD. It is hard enough losing our loved ones without having to try to deal with the complete personality changes and rages. *sob