Has anyone else had experience with this situation? We have enjoyed a loving, close, long standing marriage. Now, my DH appears to prefer the company of our part time caregiver to me. He is warm and friendly and considerate of her feelings while I am pretty much ignored. I understand that she is a fresh and appreciative audience for his wartime stories, but his attitude is pervasive - persisting after her shift has ended. I've asked him about this -- lightly - and his answer was, "I take you for granted."
OH what a wonderful problem. So you can actually go out for a few minutes, hours even, without him pacing and being angry with you when you come back because you didn't tell him where you were going. Or you can actually go to the bathroom in peace, take a shower even, walk the dog, run to the store and no one is looking for you as if you abandoned him and you're never coming back. Brooke, I can understand your feeling, but it's actually very nice for you that this has happened. And my feeling is that it probably won't last, the caretaker will not be there forever, but you will. I remember a show on Everyone Loves Raymond, when they got a sitter for the kids, and the wife fired her because she thought the kids liked her better that MOM. After she was gone, mom realized what she had done. Really, Brooke, enjoy it.
I can understand your distress, Brooke, but if you can use it to your advantage like Chris says that would be best. I tend to get upset when dh gets overfriendly with another woman and ignores me. Just remember the caregiver knows she is dealing with a demented patient and would not encourage him further. I think with me, it is that someone is invading "my space". Maybe he is "punishing you" for bringing someone else into the picture instead of devoting all your time to him.
The boyfriend/girlfriend situation in the nursing home would really tic me off. I know, I should be happy he is happy but it would just tic me off and I would have a real problem with that. Caregivers should know their place and the situation. Another demented person would not.
I admit I was shocked when the wife of the man with the girlfriend in the HBO special was so kind, caring and just plain nice to the girlfriend. Obviously this is a truly caring woman who is handling the whole thing well, but boy do I think she ought to get a gold star. Would I do as well? No way to know.
Starling, I though they were both daughters after the initial shock. Maybe I took it wrong. If you are right, then I agree. I could not have done that, I already know.
we would have to try to co nsider these actions thru the demented persons eyes and not how our real spouse would have acted on their own hopefully:). when you look at the two of them in the HBO film the poor lady that is attached to the ladys husband is a very sad insecure hopelessly ill person and has no clue what/who she is attached to. just the warmth of another human i think. that said it would absolutely reak havoc on me to see my DH in a situation like that demented or not, i still retain the feeling of our lives/love pre-AD and cannot see him as the sick individual he actually has become. knowing that i had lost him even further, to another, even thru the tortures of AD would be extremely difficult, and like imohr i would not initially handle it well. notice i say initially. maybe over time i would feel differently. divvi 'taking you for granted' sounds like something that would irradiate out of the mouth of an FTD spouse. they seem moreso to lose all knowledge of acceptable behaviour and speech, and can thrive on hurting another person with words/actions. my DH did it in the very early stages and it was very hard to deal with- divvi
For a very long time my husband would not tolerate being touched by anybody but me. A pat on the shoulder would send him into a rage. On day my daughter was with me when we visited DH in his facility. We watched a woman approach him, pat his face and gently kiss him. Daughter and I waited for the screaming to begin-it didn't happen. He was so out of touch with reality at that point that it didn't bother me. Some human contact is better than nothing at all. He is so withdrawn into himself at this point that nothing can reach him. It is frightening. Unbearably sad for me.
I have to admit that I have been concerned about my husband becoming infatuated with another caregiver. So far, he is very high functioning but I can't leave him at night and none of the children want to come and stay. The thought of having someone come in has crossed my mind, but I am afraid that the caregiver would be interested in having his pensions. He is very easily led and loves to be the center of attention and stares at other women. New Ad behavior - probably did it before, but was smart enough not to let me catch him. I might feel differently if I wasn't able to get out during the day. Ad has made my husband very cunning.
My husband has also withdrawn into his own little world, spends all of his time pacing, sitting in his chair or lying in bed with little or no interaction with anyone, but first thing in the morning I do see a light in his eyes when his caregiver walk into the house. He used to light up like a Christmas tree when I came home from work at night but no more and even the light in his eyes for our caregiver is dim but it is there. This doesn't bother me anymore. I realize that she spends more waking hours with him than I do and that she comes to him each morning rested and refreshed from having a normal life and a good nights sleep. I would like her better too, I am grouchy.
My husband's been asking several days now, when is it going to be Monday - that's when the caregiver has come for the last year. The first one he liked but didn't ask about her; the second one he dreaded, now here comes this slight young man and he really looks forward to him. I think it's because the kid really talks to him and asks him questions, etc. Which, I confess, I often don't - I know the difference between his confabulations and reality, and show it; the kid doesn't.
i decided to post my concerns with the male caregivers that have been here - i 've had two, and one was very nice but i didnt get a good vibe from him, the other was lazy and did nothing to help while DH slept all day, i hope i dont offend too badly anyone but the last one, i am sure he was 'alternate' gender to be polite. i was not comfortable leaving DH in his care. with demented persons you just cant be too cautious, and i tend to feed off peoples vibes. maybe its just me but i called and asked for a female after that. just felt better for all involved in my case -divvi
This young man is taking a year or two off before college, getting a cert. in dealing with dialysis patients and has his CNA. He had a grandfather with AZ so he's not a novice with it. Helps his mother with her breeding a couple of female dogs, I forget the kinds. Still living at home, in the next town over, but just sweet and smart. I suspect that he may have wanted to prep for med school but didn't have the grades?? dunno yet. I wouldn't mind if he were gay but he doesn't seem so... I haven't asked him to do much around the house but I'm going to ask him if he would tomorrow; my leg's not better and vacuuming is uncomfortable. He seems anxious to please.
No matter what I'm experiencing I find kindred souls here. John too has found a friend at the nh. Yesterday I took him his favorite homecooked meal and then washed his butt because he was uncomfortable. He left me sitting in the room alone to seek out his lady friend. WhenI joined him a few minutes later he was blowing kisses to her across the room. I asked who he was blowing kisses to he said "my girl." That hurt. I asked him who I was and he said "my wife." I told him he couldn't have both and he looked surprised. I console myself with the fact that before ftd he wouldn't have noticed this women. The staff is aware of the attraction and "redirect" them when they get too close. At first I was okay with all of it. I was happy John found someone functioning more on his level. So many are in wheelchairs and unable to communicate. I guess it's part of the letting go process but I can't deny it bothers me. I'm 56 years old and wouldn't dream of even looking at another man. It's true dementia changes everything about the person but not enough about the spouse. This problem will correct itself because I found a beautiful new place 6 miles from our home. He will go there asap. I have to be prepared that it could happen again but I will be more accepting if it does. His happiness really is more important than my pride.
CS, I think that's the way to look at it. and you are a young woman, you still have a life ahead of you. If this keeps him at peace, well, that's what we want isn't it? For them to be a t peace. It's a hard thing to accept I'm sure, but, you know well, that he's not the man you married. He's actually about 10 yrs old, maybe less, so I think we just have to go with the flow on these things.
CS what a great way of seeing his happiness comes first. your love shows much more being able to tolerate what makes him happy without regards for your own in this matter. my respects, divvi
In the first facility my husband was in, he found a girlfriend. The two them talked for hours (mostly nonsense of course). I didn't have a problem with it. He was still always happy to see me and affectionate towards me. She had the time to spend with him for hours and hours and she could focus on him. I work full time and if it made him happy and didn't go any further I was comfortable with it. She ofen would talk to the two of us and I had no problem with that either. The staff did keep an eye on them to make sure it didn't go any further.
The only time she floored me was when she asked me if it was okay if she kissed him sometimes. The staff handled that one and I got an excellent recommendation from one of the people here at work. She suggested that I say "its okay in public and only kiss him on the cheek".
In normal times, he had the type of personality that I never worried that he might cheat on me. In his mind it was just not somthing that you do. You make a commitment, you stick to it.
I was also lucky in that someone had described that this could happen in a facility a couple of weeks before it did so I was somewhat mentally prepared.