Today I left my DH with a caregiver (male) for the 4th time. The first three times went okay. Today was BAD. Apparently DH decided they had kidnapped me and wouldn't let me come home, and wouldn't let him go find me. When I got home DH was extremely agitated and was yelling and swearing. He basically told the CG to just get out, among other insults. He just isn't like that, even with the AD he has never struck out like that. It was an afternoon rather than morning outing, which could be part of it. I was gone 4 hours. I wonder if making the outings AM instead of PM would help (possibly to avoiding sundowning). I have also been told that men with AZ often do better with a female caregiver. I just don't know! I think I should call the agency and request a different caregiver, but I don't know if that would help. I don't want to give up my few hours away each week, but I don't want to come home to this each time.
Is your caregiver an experienced Alzheimer caregiver. If so, don't worry about it. Let him work it out between themselves. I agree, it's rather difficult when 'our charges' are difficult, but people in nursing homes, and with experience with people like our DH's, know it's part of the routine,...and the disease....... and HELLO! That's why you hired them in the first place. Have a good, heart to heart talk with your male caregiver - and see if it is possible to bond together into a team. I think a man helping a man is better, because they are stronger, and my DH would prefer a man help him bathe and dress. If you begin with them early on, when you truly need this kind of assistance, your man-help will be a familiar face. I think it's too early to give up. Remember what we all have to be reminded of. They are regressing in behavior, and he was having a little boy tantrum.
Thank you, Nancy. Your comments help. The caregiver works for Home Instead. He is a fairly new employee, but he has been an EMT and he and his wife helped care for his mother with AZ for 12 years. He is basically a calm laid-back person, but I feel so bad when DH attacked him verbally. I think you are right that I probably should give it another chance.
Remember that it will do no good for YOU to attempt to REASON with your precious husband. His "reason" button has broken. He does love you the most, and he feels safe with you...but!!! He will learn to feel the same way with the same caregiver. AD patients aren't comfortable with strangers. Very soon,your caregiver will not be a stranger. Treat him like an old friend, and your DH will pick up on that. Further, when you leave, just slip away. No hugs, kisses, long goodbyes. Just say "see ya" and slip out the door. Time, === patience=== I promise you, it will work out. Bless your heart. I can tell you are a very special wife/caregiver.
Our spouses are going to have bad days. It is a fact of life. Maybe one day every two weeks my husband gives my grandson a hard time. It upsets my grandson, but he understands that my husband can't help it. But my grandson will NOT let my husband drink from the sugar bowl, nor let him take the dog for a walk (who would pull him down because he's so big and frisky), nor let him put the hot coffee pot in the refrigerator. For some reason, my husband will try these things and I KNOW that he doesn't have any idea what he is doing - that he is remembering an earlier period of time and thinking that he's doing something else, but he's pushing my grandson, and tries to get physical with him. My grandson is a lot stronger and just stands there and doesn't let him by. After a while my husband will give up and go back and sit in his recliner. There is no wrestling or hurting. Just determination. My husband will stand in front of the back door (where I come in each day) and wait for me when he knows (his inside clock works) it is time for me to get home from work. Sometimes he stands there for 30 minutes. My grandson lets him. It doesn't hurt anything nor does it hurt him.
I think that most caregivers experience these things once or twice or more. It is a part of the disease that we usually don't discuss. My husband has gotten mad at me and thrown the TV remote down on the floor (it fell apart in three pieces and it snapped right back together, thank goodness!) on one occasion. On another occasion about 6 months ago he got mad at me because I couldn't understand what he was trying to say and he was frustrated (his aphasia has to be one of the most difficult things - not to be able to talk) and he threw a throw pillow at me. I threw it right back at him and told him not to EVER throw anything at me again! He hasn't. <grin>
Anyway, I am "confessing" all of this to let gmaewok know that bad days are going to happen, and as long as neither your husband nor the caregiver was hurt, let it pass. Hopefully the caregiver is willing to let it pass. You can't reason with your husband and he will be more confused as time goes by. If it were a personality clash, that would be a different case altogether.
I talked with the office manager of Home Instead today. She said there was no real problem with yesterday. The respite care worker did say Clyde pushed him, but none of it was malicious; more like panic than anything. The respite worker would continue to come out. But the only problem is that he has found another job and will only be working for Home Instead on Sunday and Monday, neither of which days I usually go anyplace I'd need a worker. So the office manager is going to bring another worker out early next week to meet us and determine if it will work out. I don't know if it will be male or female. In the past DH has done better staying with a female friend. I'm not sure he even realized it was another woman and not me. Mary, thank you for sharing. I agree a lot goes on that is hard to talk about. My husband has always been a bit thin skinned and now if I even raise my voice beyond a soft tone, he is heartbroken and wants to know why I am mad and yelling at him. I think the fact that he has always been very soft-spoken is part of what surprised me about his behavior yesterday. Guess I still have a lot to learn about this terrible disease.
When my husband was still functional we took what would be our final trip. I was doing the driving and put a well marked map in his hand to help with directions. He couldn't handle it and I raised my voice. His response was "please don't yell at me" my lack of understanding still haunts me. That was before "official" diagnosis.
my DH does better with female aides. and i do too. i have one that comes regular on fridays and she does so much cleaning while here its so fabulous. the couple of male aides that were here barely got the dishes done and that was it. i vote for female. esp when DH went to the bathroom he didnt like another male in the room.:) opposites attract! ha. divvi
Divvi, 'scuse me for asking, but how do you get the aides? Private pay or Ins.? I can't get any help unless DW goes to the hosp. for I think 3 days, then Medicare will supply a weekly nurse and an aide 2 or 3 days a week, but only for I think about 6 weeks, then she has to be certified again. Without some ongoing thing like a bed sore or a fever sometime during that period, she will not be re-certified. Like right now with no issues going on, nothing will pay for any help.
I'm not divvi, but Texas Joe, have you contacted you Area Agency on Ageing? They generally have a lot of information on sources for in-home help and ways to pay for it. Every State is different, but there are ways.
texas joe, i pay out of pocket. 17dol an hr. most are this price or similair in tx. there are tons of private pay inhome health agencies. like the others say above if you qualify financialy you can get more help thru the state. we never qualify for anything- even thought DH is a veteran. out of pocket for everythng. divvi
Divvi, thanks. Yeah, 17/hr is right. The problem is, we are just not poor enough to qualify for anything Medicare won't pay for, yet really not willing to spend our last dimes on in-home care when I can do it free. I have to save for things like a new water heater (ours is 12 yrs old), and any other larger ticket items that may come along. I need to go buy some more LOTTO tickets!
I pay $10.00 an hour here in WV. The lady I have is a family friend who does housework and she added watching dh while she is here. If he needed potty duty I would have to get someone else. For my situation right now just "baby sitting" is all I need.
I pay $18, 4 hrs once a week. When we retired there were four or five different pension accounts plus social security and we just didn't use a couple of the smaller ones, let them accumulate. Now, it seems that if we don't use it, we will eventually have to put it into n.h. care before he would count for medicaid, so why not use it now?!
yes they pay taxes bond for insurance and prequalify all criminal background checks. worth it to me not to have to mes swith taxes! or gettinghurt! ugh. divvi
Absolutely! I agree with Lois and Divvi. I will pay the slight difference in hourly fees not to have to worry about liability and taxes. I also don't want them slipping some of DH's sedation/calming meds in their pockets to sell on the streets. As they say, we get what we pay for.