O.k....I'm sick of the sadness, loneliness, and craziness. Since my soul-mate has basically been taken away from me, I want a girl-friend. A flesh and blood girlfriend to romance, talk with, and feel some sort of normal life with. We could work in the yard together, cook dinner together, watch tv or movies together, and after we put DW to bed, do whatever fooling around we felt like doing. Of course, she would have to understand that the safety and comfort of DW comes first, but after that, being 'normal' would sure be a delight. It's not a total moving on, but it would sure be the next best thing. How do you find someone that would be willing to have this kind of relationship? Match.com?
I can really understand wanting a normal relationship. On the other hand, speaking as a woman, I don’t think that “and after we put DW to bed, do whatever fooling around we felt like doing. Of course, she would have to understand that the safety and comfort of DW comes first” would sound like a really appealing offer. I really do question how we can attend to our duties as caregiver and still have enough of ourselves left to sustain a relationship with another person. It seems like one or the other would not get the attention that they deserve.
Oh, TexasJoe, good luck. I hope this works out for you. I've seen similar discussions on this board -- it's a very personal thing -- some will think it's okay and others will not. Doesn't matter what others think -- you have to do what is right for you. As for me, I am only here because of a marriage vow I took 30 years ago this July. I filed for divorce 2 1/2 years ago -- thought Tom had just turned into a lousy SOB. After a 4-month separation and reconciliation I realized there was a medical issue -- ta da -- the FTD diagnosis. Honestly I wish I had never been wooed into the reconciliation. Wish I had gone through with the divorce before I realized there was a medical situation. But here I am. I stayed because of the wedding vow I made and for that same reason, won't be looking for any male companionship. I stay because I know if the tables were turned, he would do the same for me. So, here I am. It is what it is.
I know it can be done because I have been spending time with a prof. organizer while we declutter and organize the house 3-4 hours a day for one or two days a week for the last couple of months. I would check on her every so often, and did all the usual feeding and changing. The only difference is that rather than sitting with her (while she slept most of the time), I was with the organizer working on the house and garage. It would be the same as if you had someone like your grown child visiting with you for several hours. As long as you don't ignore your LO as if she wasn't there, it seems to me to be doable.
Gourdchipper and I brought to the top the discussion on this subject - "Adding a third person to the relationship". If it falls to the bottom by the time you read this, put that title in the "search" and it will come up.
Everyone has to do what they feel is best for them, but it is just my opinion that if you decide to have a relationship with another woman, you should keep it out of the house. You could arrange for in-home respite for your wife for a weekend, so you could get away.
I am not agreeing or disagreeing about taking on a new relationship. I make no judgments. I am just stating my opinion as to where.
This is a very difficult issue that many spouses of AD patients struggle with.
Oh crap! I don't know why I'm even thinking about it anyway, I will never find anybody I am such a loser in life. DW was my salvation and now there is nothing left. I would end it all if I weren't so intolerant of pain or if I didn't care about burning in Hell for eternity. Thanks for bringing up the older stuff. Tired as hell now so am hitting the sack....wow, almost midnight. Tomorrow the organizer comes again to continue the job.
TexasJoe-- You're no loser---just tired beyond belief. Seriously, your really need to get some regularly scheduled respite going. I know you have issues with "strangers" in your home, but you did say ones from church would be okay. Talk to your minister (pastor?) and see if something couldn't be arranged. Then with your gardening interests, check into any Garden Societies, or with the State Extension services, for programs and classes. Even comercial garden centers do classes. And I bet you have other interests you could check out to see what's avcailable. Get your feet back in the "normal world" for a little. You'll feel better, and that will make you an even better caregiver for your DW. You both deserve it.
I don't mean to overstate the obvious, but you sure sound depressed to me. Have you talked to your doctor about an anti-depressant? Most of us caregivers resisted going on meds., but eventually most of us did. It has helped. Men too. Hey, men out there, if you are on an anti-depressant, tell TexasJoe there is no shame in it.
I believe if I started a thread entitled:, "If you are NOT on some kind of anti-depressant, post here!", I bet it would be a mighty short thread!
At the end of DH's doctor visit last week, his doctor put his hand on my shoulder and asked, "Do you have anything that will allow you to relax at the end of the day?" (I take Effexor now). I asked, "Such as what?.." He said, "Why don't you let me give you some mild Xanax. "
It's a given. It's not "giving UP". It's a way to relax your heart, your brain and your nerves before they all EXPLODE from the enormity of it all. Texas Joe, most men think taking anti depressants is wimpy ..but it is NOT! When we are under such stress, the chemicals in our brain misfire, and we need to get them back in line.
If you don't have anything to help you now, please ask for something. Depression is related to a chemical imbalance in the brain, and these meds help so much. You won't believe the difference! Doesn't make the problems go away, just clears your brain so you can deal with them more effectively. I sympathize and feel your pain.
Well, I never took "anything" but then, I never needed it. I would not have hesitated if I thought for a second I was going into a depression or if I was having anxiety attacks.
As Joang suggested, here is another man on an antidepresant - buproprion. My PCP suggested it, I didn't ask for it. After I had been on 150 mg daily for 2 months he asked how I was doing. I told him I didn't notice any difference, so he upped the dose to 300 mg daily (in the morning). I still am not sure I notice any difference, but at this point would not stop it, just in case it actually is doing something. I'm not having any problems with it that I am aware of.
You and I are on the same path. I have met someone who is a friend of my wife, and she fully understands the situation. She has been very helpful when I need a break, she will take my wife on an outing. The friend is single and looking for a relationship. I have approached her and she is not comfortable with dating a married man. The relationship continues as friends and I spend time with her when the opportunity arises. I know that this brings me hope, and gives me someone to talk to about the issues that come up. Perhaps oneday it will lead to something, but for now we are close friends and we talk daily.
More on anti-depressants. I shared this site with a friend who made a good point. Most people think that depression is "feeling sad". It is not just that. Depression can be demonstrated by a loss of interest in doing many things, inability to sleep, irritability, restlessness, appetite changes resulting in weight loss or weight gain, etc. etc. Many people swear they are not "depressed" because they are not weepy and sad. Most of us are so involved with our LO's, we share the same personality traits because we are forced into this life.
I think, among other things, we are chemical creatures. We feel unbidden physical jolts all the time--guilt, fear, love--our bodies react. But we're not all equal in those feelings. Coping with the day-to-day stress of living is one thing, but being a sleep-deprived, frightened, angry, hurt, disappointed, worn-out 24/7 non-professional, having to literally think and remember for two, being responsible for everything, everything, everything, even the toilet for two is asking a bit more than the normal person is equipped to do. Male/female, if you can do it without keeping your chemical levels from spiking, you are uniquely blessed--as for me--that 1/2 Xanax kept me from climbing the walls. P.S. After checkilng my drug book, (you docs close your eyes) I even gave it to DH a few times when he was impossible and it helped bring him back down. Whatever works is my mantra.
This guy is on Lexapro, I have been on Lexapro for about four weeks, my daughter tells me she can tell a lot of difference. I am a lot calmer, I don't get upset as easily, I think more clearly and have a more positive outlook on life. IMHO that is a good thing.
Jimmy, I tell people that Lexapro/Effexor - etc. do not tranquilize us..it just files down our barbs and raw edges so we can slip thorough the tunnel of life a little easier. In so doing, the people around us seem to be soooooo much nicer...(or is it just the way we perceive them now?)
I have given up care giving and DH is now with his daughter and husband who will take of him as long as they can.This was a family decision as I could not longer do it alone. Since they live across country from me and also they feel that my seeing him may upset him, I will probably never see DH again. I am trying to find a new life for myself and would welcome having a friend to share things with, go to theater, perhaps travel, dine out or go dancing. HOWEVER, I am married.I feel like a widow but I am not.AD is a very lonely disease.I understand the need for companionship.
Anna, bad position to be in. I think if I were in your position I would try to find a new life for myself. We all need somebody and you deserve to go on with your life. I wish you the best and hope you find a friend to travel with.
Thanks everyone, for your comments. I'm not bouncing off the walls so don't need a tranqilizer, and I'm not showing the signs of depression. What I suffer with, as you all do, is a broken heart, which only my DW coming back to me can heal, or a designated wife, to put it in baseball terms. Two things about depression meds that I would worry about is side effects and cost. But mainly, I don't think I am clinically depressed. Moorsb, I think its great that you have a 'close friend' to talk with about issues and other things as frequently as daily. I would love that. It doesn't need to be romantic at first, and if that never happened, that's o.k. too, although I would prefer that it did. Anna, I know what you mean about having a friend to share going places and doing things with. In my case, I couldn't do that of course because of DW still being here at home. So if someone has a magic pill to mend a broken heart, please let me know.
I am not on an antidepressant right now. I've been offered them by my doctor, and I'll take them if I think I need them.
At this point I'm doing pretty well most of the time. But I could easily see myself needing something as my husband's disease progresses, because I certainly am sadder when he shows early signs of progressed symptoms. Right now I'm logging what I'm thinking of as full moon symptoms. They aren't all that bad this month. Last month they were worse, but they do exist.
When I need an antidepressant, I'll be taking them.
Texas Joe....I understand your need for a companion in your life. You miss the closeness in the relationship you and your wife shared. A few months ago, I 'experimented' with dating several interested men in my community. After a while, I noticed that two stopped calling....cause I wasn't 'putting out' I figured. Well, I got really conflicted because my husband is still alive, all kinds of feelings waking up that I didn't know how to handle. It would be VERY EASY right now for me to get "involved" in a relationship with a man right now. I'm very lonely and seem so needy. I have a suggestion for you, though. You know, the best love starts with friendship. There are several alzheimer's caregivers meetings in my area (though I've not taken part in but one). Why don't you look into what may be available in your area. There you could meet someone who knows exactly what your issues are. Who knows what the future could hold. Meanwhile, you'd be out having a healthy relationship (or two) that could grow into your new life that IS coming.
StuntGirl, you know what really doesn't help? All the romance and sex on most of the tv shows, be them sitcoms or dramas. Even the older ones being shown on the lesser channels, such as 'Friends'. Especially 'How I Met Your Mother', 'Scrubs', and others. I'm sure things out there in real life aren't as portrayed on tv, but still all that loving reminds me of what I am missing, and it really gets to me. I guess I need to quit watching that stuff and get some good old WWII movies like "30 seconds over Tokyo" or "Sands of Iwo Jima", although that one had a sad ending. It just seems like the world is mocking me by showing me what they can have but not me. Anyway, you are right...but first I need to get some sitters lined up so I can get out. So much what I don't want to do.
At least you're starting to think about sitters, Joe. THat is a BIG STEP!! Congrats!
I would guess that a good half of the adults in the US, probably in the world, don't have a sex life, or a satisfying one. (in the world, just think of the 50% of populations who are women in what we would consider abusive marriages). So although we may ache for it, we are certainly not alone!!
I understand exactly where you are. I watch a lot of television, too. And movies. Remember IT IS ONLY A MOVIE and portrays ideals, which aren't reality. WE are living realiity. Believe me, it would be SO EASY f0r me to get involved with another man. I miss that intimaciy that you talk aboui So Much. The sincere human touch. Sometimes I fantasize about having someone next to me in the morning....and as I wake up, its only the CAT snugglilng up against me. It makes me so sad. I'm trying to keep to myself lately and not become a victim of someone who doesn't understand where I am, emotionally. Protect yourself, too.
Joe, I agree with you on the TV shows. We don't watch those, but what really gets to me are the ads for Sandals Resorts, Jamaica, etc. We have enjoyed tropical beaches such as those shown, but no more. I'd love to find someone who would travel with me, but even that is out of the question as long as I am full time caregiver for DW.
I know what you mean, marsh. We spent a great 9 day vacation in St. Thomas back in 1977. Secret Cove was the place. That was before the brain surgery. Good memories, but DW got nominally seasick in a 40-ft. sailboat sailing out to a place called Buck Island out in the open ocean. I would rather have sailed to Virgin Gorda..protected waters in the Channel.
Texas Joe, did you ever make it over to the Soggy Dollar Bar on Jost van Dyke. (No dock, you had to wade ashore...thus, your money was always "soggy wet". Favorite place in the old days. We owned a condo up near Red Hook south of Charlotte Amalie... - on the Ritz Carlton property. Oh how I loved that place... , the water, the beautiful boats, incredible restaurants. Was that a dream...or was that us?? It seems like a far distant dream.
No, we didn't get there. Red Hook sounds familiar....was that where boats left to go across to St. Croix? We did that. In Charlotte Amalie we had dinner one night at a restaurant that served the best fish dish I had ever tasted. Wasn't the fish, it was the sauce - to die for. The water was so warm and clear. and lapped up just a few feet from where we had breakfast on a terrace one day. It is a dreamy place, far from the life we lead now.
You are absolutely correct. The ferry to St. John leaves from Red Hook. Been there - done that - many times. Favorite dining place was Herve's..up on Government Hill in Charlotte Amalie...the Governor's home is up above it and the beautiful water is down below.
Your place must have been awesome. What about that place on the mountain above Magen's Bay where they served was it banana daiquiris? There was a restaurant that had open-air rooms that went out into a lagoon that was really atmospheric in the evening...romantic.
You guys are bringing back memories. We have camped in the national park on St. John and chartered sailboats in the British Virgins, sailing to Virgin Gorda.
We took a Caribbean cruise several years ago and visited 7 islands, including St. Thomas, St. John's, St. Croix, Barbados, Antiqua...they were beautiful and the weather was perfect. Oh, such wonderful memories!
Afterwards, maybe we all can schedule a cruise together and get to meet, relax and and enjoy our new "family" for a week! It would be nice to meet all of you some day!
My doctor put me on 150 mg Wellbutrin (bupropian) several years for my fibromyalgia. I immediately noticed it stopped the "low level anxiety" I really didn't realize I had since childhood. I felt 100% better. He upped it last fall to 300mg daily due to the "caregiver stress". I'm weaning off the higher dosage now.
I agree with the TV shows and commercials, particularly the commercials. Even tho we never took a cruise or went to one of those resorts, the tears come and I realize more and more what I've lost.
Joe, since you love gardening etc, switch your TV to the Home and Garden Channel or the DIY Network (Do-It-Yourself). I love the gardening shows they have on.
Getting back to the title of the discussion "Moving on....", Claude has been gone for 70 days now. Yesterday, I finally started packing up his clothes and things. It was hard but something that had to be done. I'm typing this now with the tears flowing, but I know it's just part of the moving on process. When my father died, my sisters and I immediately removed all his things. My mother told us later that she wished we hadn't done it so soon, that it made it harder for her. Everyone is different.
I bought a new (newer) car and am slowly getting back into life again. I'm even getting on a plane ('m a white-knuckled flyer) next month and going up to Seattle for my nephew's wedding. Slowly but surely....LOL
Mary, I'm back! All I know is that twittering is when you text a limited nbr of characters (120 I think) on twitter.com (I think) to someone (it's kind of like facebook), and the msg is usually only something you are doing right now, like "I'm on the way to the airport right now. C U in 20 min.". I don't have cable or satellite, but used to couple of yrs ago, so do know about those gardening channels. Yes, I did enjoy them. Now all I can get is a program on This Old House or P. Allen Smith that may have something I find interesting or educational. Hometime is another program. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your talking about tears flowing makes mine start up for you. I'll bet a lot of others do the same thing. I'm glad you are taking off next month...I am a white knuckle flyer too! Time will heal all, I know, but it sure seems hard to believe that sometimes.
Joe, I like all those movies that show lots of love and stuff. Yes, I miss all of that a lot but those wonderful movies help me cry out some of my grief. Getting that out of my system helps me be calm and positive when I see my DH.
Wasn't Holly Hunter in a movie where here character cried every morning? At the time, I thought it was funny. Now, maybe it isn't so funny but a good thing.
Redbud - good for you, going on a trip. I haven't had a vacation in several years and admit to being a bit nervous about when I might get another one. We used to love going on vacations together.