On another thread, someone posted an interesting article on introverts. It started me thinking--how does an extrovert, a "people person", cope with dementia caregiving? It seems to me that the responsibilities of the role automatically cause isolation; even if one has help and is able to take respite time away from their LO, it probably only amounts to a fraction of one's waking hours if the person with dementia is in the early or middle stages. From my experience, it's even difficult to have phone conversations because my DH always wants my attention. Being an introvert, it's probably not as difficult for me as for others that thrive on personal contact. How do the extroverts survive?
I'm not an extrovert, so I don't know. I imagine it would drive them nuts after a while. Even as an introvert, I still like to have at least ONE person to talk with. I hate being totally alone. Maybe that disqualifies me as an introvert, I don't know.
i am an introvert as well. i have very few in person friendships left or rather choose not to labor that for now. my plate runneth over with DH and home for now. divvi
Well, I am an extrovert....I have lots of friends, enjoy lots of activities and have no problem starting up conversations with people in the grocery line....LOL...!
Maybe being like I am made it easier for me to make a life for myself outside of caregiving. I am lucky in that our two kids always made sure I was busy and continued to have a life. I got involved in activities like water aerobics and joining Curves where I have forged some very close friendships while I was still caregiving and found wonderful concern and empathy from these connections.
I figured that people were not going to come to my door looking for me, I had to find them........
Sandi, I'm glad for you that you are the way you are. My DW was like you. If fact, sometimes it was a little embarassing having her start up conversations in the grocery line. I figured she was bothering someone, but in fact, the other person always seemed to be glad she did. Anyway, I'm the type that will respond to someone else starting the conversation, but I will not initiate it. I wish people would call me and ask if I need anything....boy, am I ready to tell them! I just don't like calling other people for help unless they are really close friends or family. And we don't have any friends left - funny how people forget about you when your spouse can't function like a normal person. And actually, I don't blame them. Why visit a friend when they can't even talk to you?
Why visit a friend when they can't talk to you....because that's what friends do.
I was told that a patient feels the synergism in a room filled with family and friends, even though they cannot see them. I'm told that studies have shown that when prayers are being said over a patient, something occurs within the room that can actually be registered on a meter. This was on a 20-20 or 60 minute program on Medicine and Miracles a year or so ago. Wish I knew how to bring up that discussion to re-read it.
Those who chose not to believe that are entitled not to. I chose to believe.
Now, Joe, if a woman had a task they needed a friend to do, they wouldn't call and say hello, can you do such-and-such. They'd say hi, howarya, I was just thinking of you and wondered how you were doing? Oh, is that right? O, I'm so sorry.
Yes, we've been having a few problems here too. blah blah blah
and finally, IF the timing seemed right, if the person you've called doesn't have some appalling stuff going on in THEIR lives, you say, uh, I was wondering if you'd be able to ...
Maybe people have said, let me know if I can do anything, and you haven't heard from them again.. maybe they think you don't need something. I think men have trouble using the phone for anything but business..
Well, I guess most of our past friends were "fair weather" friends then.
Briegull, I think it gets back to the idea that men want to fix things ourselves, and the only time we might call for help is when we have to dial 911. It's kinda like asking for directions. We don't need them....we can find our way ourselves. If we can't get all the jobs done, the remaining ones just won't get done. We will just do without (of course we set priorities) instead of calling for some help. Does this make sense?
Texas Joe-- Yes, it makes sense. May not be the best choice but it does make sense.
Similarly, sometimes women will try to see to everything themselves because they see themselves as failing if they "don't take care of their LO themselves".
There is NO PLACE where it is written that we have to do everything ourselves. Our job is to see that it gets done. As full as our plates are with everything that needs doing, we need to prioritize and recognize that help can be utilized. There are jobs we must do ourselves, and ones we can delegate, or subcontract, if you will. Just because we have the capability to do all the jobs does not mean we should be doing them all, or even trying to do them all. Better to let/have help do some things and let us focus on the ones only we can do. For example, just because you can do the dishes and sweep,mop, and vacuum doesn't mean you should be spending time doing that. Anyone can do those things. You need to be doing things like the finances and medical contacts and taking care of yourself. Using help gets them all done, with less pressure on you. When the work is getting done, you get a sense of wellbeing instead of continually feeling buried under it all. This can only be GOOD for both you and your spouse.
I think reading one of the men/women difference books - "you just don't understand" by Debra Tannen, or "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" would be helpful for all of us to read (or re-read). So much hinges on people's perceptions and understandings of what we're struggling to say.
I'm an extrovert, and like other extroverts, I talk to everyone! I don't meet a stranger! Everyone in the grocery line, Walmart line, etc. gets my hello! The people where I shop and my bank tellers know me when they see me and call me by name because I always talk to them while they take care of me. That makes me feel good too! I'm an open book. What you see is what you get. No one ever has to read between the lines with me! <grin>
Sometimes here, I get in a hurry and shortcut my sentences and it doesn't come out as nicely put as others here have the wonderful ability to write their feelings, but I try to explain my feelings as best as I can.
Texas Joe, I can hear you feeling sorry for yourself; for being lonely; and mostly for grieving for the life you had with your wife that you don't have any more. You are expressing what we all feel or felt along this horrible journey. We have all had thoughts of a better existence than the one we're now living. We all have thoughts of what we wish our lives could have been; what we would like it to be; and dreams of the future, even though they don't include our spouse (who is really no longer with us now). Never feel guilt about your thoughts and dreams. We all do what we have to in order to survive, while giving our spouses (spice) all the love and care that we can while we still have them with us.
I'm an introvert and I dont' have a large volume of friends. I have a few close ones but even then I don't see them very often anymore. I almost think it could be harder for an introvert since we tend to keep everything inside. My DH is an extrovert and he still starts conversations with complete strangers. Only now, I don't recognize the stories and he has trouble communicating it. I know it is getting tougher for him.
Introvert, Extrovert, I'm not sure, I think I have a little of both in me. There are times I just want to be alone and do what I want to do or just take off on a short trip by myself. But on the other hand I can facilitate a meeting for 350, make a good presentation to a group and I enjoy networking and working the room. I consider myself to be a friendly person and will strike up a conversation with anyone who will talk ro me.
Oh yes phranque, I've tried really hard not to be a pervert, but I think sometimes I have been a convert.
I guess I'm an extrovert most of the time. There are days when if I didn't smile and talk to the kid at the cash register at WAWA I wouldn't talk to anyone all day, or all week for that matter.
I am an extrovert. I always think tomorrow will be better than today. The glass is half full and not half empty. Some of my todays are really bad so give me tomorrow everytime.
Extrovert - gets their energy being around other people. This is the person that can come dragging home from work, get a call and be out the door to party until very late with lots and lots of energy.
Introvert - gets their energy in their quiet and alone time. This person needs to have the quiet and alone time to recharge their batteries.
Like any personality test we all have a bit of both in us. It is what is the strongest feeling in us that counts on whether you are an introvert or extrovert.
Mary, I like the way you speak. You remind me of me in a lot of ways. I to love to talk to people. I know how happy it makes me when someone talks to me. It may be what I am needing all day long and don't realize it until someone speaks. Anyway, I know that being both an extravert and introvert has it's own way of dealing with things, I am not sure which is helping me deal with my husbands EOAD. I sure hope one of these personalities kick in quick and take away the anger, resentment, mean, negative feelings that I experience often. I wish the loving, understanding, exciting feelings would reappear. I understand the man I love is ever changing, but I am not accepting this real easy. Actually, on bad days I seem to explode about the simplest things. Like a soda being spilled. I know it is not the end of the world but it signifies to me what the rest of my life will be like. I am not normally a negative person, and I do know it is best to pick my battles, but right now at this stage of the game all issues are my battle. It is creating a horrible relationship between me and my husband. So please tell me which personality is the nice one and clue me in on how to make it appear.......Now........please......
Part of being a caregiver, I have learned over the past few years, is to let the small "stuff" go. I understand your frustrations, and we used to spill everything all the time. I put away the normal glasses and now use the TERVIS mugs for all of his drinks. He doesn't get a drink in a can or bottle. The bottom of the Tervis mugs is large..about 4" across. It's really hard to tip them over. Most glasses taper down at the bottom.
Just as I wouldn't give my children a full glass of milk in a handle-free cup, I stopped giving my DH his in regular glasses. So much of my caregiving is learning prevention tricks. My pretty glasses are now on the upper shelf, and my bottom shelf is filled with the Tervis mugs. (google them...you will LOVE them.) They do not sweat, so they don't leave rings on furniture. They are sturdy and heavy enough that he can feel them in his hands. We both use them, of course, so he doesn't feel like he must use a sippy cup.
Same for the towel around the base of the toilet. He is going to sprinkle when he tinkles, so rather than fuss about it...I just let him go,... wash the towels every morning and get on with it. This revelation didn't come to me overnight- it took about a year to teach myself "preventative caregiving". It's hard, I understand, but they cannot help themselves. Try to understand that their depth perception is failing, and they WILL knock over glasses, they WILL spill, they WILL miss the toilet, .... and their reasoning, understanding buttons will be forever broken....so 'explaining' or 'fussing' won't change anything. sigh.
mammiejammie1--think self-preservation. Any new behavior is going to be. You have to figure out how to make as stress free as possible for you. People outside my world look questiuoningly at the bowl with a touch of dish soap in it , under the table where he sits. Sometimes he has phlem or something in his mouth he has to get rid of. He spits it out. Better the bowl than any old where he shoots it. The towel round the base of the commode. A padlocked tacklebox for his meds. Cups with lids. I find myself occasionally reacting to a new behavior when it first starts, but as soon as I realize what's happening I back off and regroup. Raising a fuss isn't worth my energy. There's better ways to spend it than trying to make things with him "run right".
I understand this and most of the time I am thinking of ways to make things better. It is when the cup runneth over that I explode and then feel horrible about my reactions. I think it is due to the fact that I am still not facing the fact of my future even tho I am fully aware of what it is. I have contacted the Alzheimer Association and been very disappointed with the people that have contacted me. At first they are great and full of hope, then I never hear from them again. I have no one except for my middle son to rely on and he only helps when we call him and he can come over. They say call when I need help but I don't want to do this. I wish they would call sometimes just to see if things are o.k. I call them to check on them but they don't seem to do the same for me. I have got to find someone that will help me so I can be a better caregiver to my husband. I am sure all of you understand. I am so thankful for this site and the beautiful people here. This is where I go when I am having a horrible day. I read others post and get strength and insite from them. Thanks to all of you that post. It really helps.
TexasJoe said, "Briegull, I think it gets back to the idea that men want to fix things ourselves, and the only time we might call for help is when we have to dial 911. It's kinda like asking for directions. We don't need them....we can find our way ourselves. If we can't get all the jobs done, the remaining ones just won't get done. We will just do without (of course we set priorities) instead of calling for some help. Does this make sense?" .............. it makes perfect sense to me, Tjoe.....I'm just like that. Everyone around here knows what I'm going through, the folks on my lane, our "acquaintance" type friends. No one calls to say, "what can we do for you". I don't know where to begin in making new friends. No family to help. I just plug along here, prioritizing everything in my life. For instance, last night when making a salad for myself, I spilled coarse sea salt all over the floor and kitchen counter. I was too tired, too frustrated to clean it up. Who cares anyway? I just left it and went upstairs to with my salad to watch my movie. "I'll think about it tomorrow...at Tara". Familiar quotation?
mammiejammie1--contact your local Area Agency on Ageing. Every area has one, but the names mauy vary. They administer some of the programs for Seniors and help get you hooked up for services you qualify for. They also can provide information on support groups, Day Cares, serviceproviders, etc.
Stunt Girl--TJ's approach does work some of the time. Getting some assistance would relieve some of the stress of going it alone. As for your salt spill--that woorks too. We all know that those kinds of jobs will be there when you get there, 'cause they don't do themselves.<lol> DON"T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.
I heard that eh Agency on Aging would only help if you were over 65. My husband is only 53. I will look into it anyway to see if I was told wrong. Thanks for the information. Have a great week...
mj1--I know my frustration level is directly correlated to how much respite I receive. For about 2 yrs I had no respite, and I was fit to be tied. When my husband started daycare, things improved considerably. After several years he was dismissed from daycare--the problem was basically that the staff isn't trained to deal with younger clients (he has EOAD). I knew I had to hire an aide, and fast, or I would not be able to cope. Here's an example--a few nights ago I was upstairs doing something alone and in one hour, he came to find me 5 times! Each time I told him what I was doing and that I would be done soon, but shadowing just won't be stopped. Hence, the only solution is respite.
I am an extrovert and also have started conversations in grocery store lines, etc. I'm pretty sensitive and if someone just doesn't want to talk, I certainly would never continue but about 95% of the time, they join in and by the time we are all checked out, we've become pretty good friends.
My biggest deal is that I overextend myself with volunteering and then when I have to leave DH to deliver something or call on sick or shutins, it gets pretty hectic. So, I have resigned from some of my 'jobs' and plan on devoting my energies around here. I may start a home Bible study so we have some company and the place looks lived in.
As his disease progresses, I don't know what I'll do. I'll let you know then. :)