This has been blog topic, and post topic on the original board. But I gotta bring this up again. This does NOT only pertain to sex, but to all kinds of situations DH presents. He gets things in his head (ideas, wants, stories, etc.) . Then we end up in huge arguments because he thinks of something, or dreams of something, or even asks me something............ and in his mind I have told him whatever it is that his mind is stuck on. Its often quite the opposite of what I actually did say. I'm so tired of being called a liar (not literally, but always implied). Then I'm told I am trying to create turmoil in the marriage. Heck, half the time I don't even know what he's talking about.

What sets this off today? Well, earlier today after working outdoors I needed to shower ahead of an afternoon appt with daughter. Somehow when DH knows I'm showering or dressing he thinks its a good time to mention sex. NOT. He always asks or makes suggestive remarks that upset me as its usually minutes before the kids come in from school, or late when I only have a few hours before the alarm goes off. Then its prime for an argument. Ugg. I truly thought I had won a reprieve. You know, believing we had a real intimate conversation and reached understanding about S.E.X. The fact that he can't carry through, and the fact that I hate feeling like my body is a playground to a 2 year old. We don't relate on any mature level anymore, and often he doesn't remember any detail of another failed attempt. I prefer just to eliminate that from our lives. I have enough to deal with. I'm getting so sick of feeling horrible for refusing, but even worse for being used. I'm losing my patience fast. Today he mentions needing to buy pills (Viagra). I tell him not to. I tell him inspite of those pills it doesn't work. And that after much talk in recent weeks he has agreed with me that this is an area we will forego, that we have much else to share. Well, soon as I leave for an appt I find he went to the pharmacy and got another supply. Now I am just plain p.o.'d! I think my biggest problem with this is the feeling that it doesn't matter, ever again what I think, or what I feel. From here on out its all about him. And he is no longer capable of thinking about me.

What joang says is correct. Most of what you are feeling is total resentment for being in this place. I feel the same way. I don't know what your husband's medical problem is, but WHY is he driving? It sounds like you are not too old if you have children coming home from school. Anyway, as an example of what you said: it is totally about the patient, isn't it? My husband doesn't notice what I have on, if I got my hair done, he doesn't participate in any way to ADD to my life. We are the givers now, the caretakers. Wife? That's over. This illness changes marriages entirely. It is impossible to be a lover to a totally different person...and they are different totally. Maybe you can move into another bedroom so you have more privacy...or maybe you can move him into one. Viagra? That's laughable isn't it...but I'm told that's the LAST thing to go in their minds. I feel so very akin to you, and to the other people who write about their daily experiences on this site. What an absolutely horrible assualt on our senses and mentality...this disease disables 1 person and makes a prisoner out of another person. The system doesn't care! The USA is so busy taking care of illegal alien's American-born children & supporting the illegals with food stamps and free clinics = the elder Americans are getting buried before we die. I see it at our doctor's office every time we go. A huge facility in the Houston Medical Center, totally quagmired with worker's comp patients, deadbeat Harris County Gold Card holders who get care for free, and the doctor's bill the county.

If I were you, I would make an appointment to get a new hairdo, a facial/massage, new shoes, manicure/pedicure...spend 1 entire day goofing off just for YOURSELF!

I'm back. I don't know why it is that his morning pills knock him out so fast, but I'm glad they do because then I can read and write.

I've said before , in some ways I think it gets easier as the disease progresses. In this case I can put him off without hurting his feelings. I have used the excuse that I can't do "that" since we''re not married. He doesn't remember being married. Or I've told him it's light outside and we have to wait until it's dark out. That never stopped us before but it works now. While up north, he got ideas and I ask him how old he thought I was. He said 17 (in my dreams) and I told him I was too young to "do That". I amaze myself with the excuses I've come up with. Whatever works is what I say.

I'm always grateful for the validation of my feelings. Sorry that others have to feel this way, yet glad to know it isn't just me. It isn't "just" sex issues, although that is the hugest issue. Like DH telling me I said, or agreed to something when I know we #1, never had that conversation, or #2, it was something he brought up and I explicitly answered him. But he tells me I said the opposite, or that it was my idea, that I brought it up, not him. He gets so adamant, and often quite angry, like he thinks I am trying to mess with HIS mind.

Re: driving, that is one area I don't anticipate a problem with. He's still quite sharp, good reflexes, knows rules of the road, and doc doesn't feel he has to stop yet. DH has pretty much stopped on his own, with the exception of driving down our road half mile to the store. We live in a very small town with only one single street business area. Everything from post office to bank, to pharmacy, gas and grocery is on the one street. DH essentially gave up any other driving due to him forgetting directions. In the last year he lost his way to his doctors, and a couple months ago lost his way to Petco, both up the freeway in the next town. He now always assumes I'll drive if we have to go anywhere besides our own little town.

Later last night after my original posting I tried to remain calm, and speak to DH very matter of factly about the frustrations that WE have shared. And that we have a mutual agreement that intimacy in the bedroom is something neither he or I feel completely at ease with. I turned the tables so to speak. I spoke of understanding how frustrating it is for him, then emphasized how frustrating it is for me to repeat this same discussion over and over. Because I know how hurtful it is for both of us to feel the loss of that part of our marriage. I emphasized how important we will always be to each other, we love each other, and that we only complicate and frustrate the relationship when we over discuss lack of intimacy in the bedroom. Quite surprisingly this was a civil conversation, and was put to rest. I do cautiously say "Yeah!" Because I am still all too aware that this whole subject can be revisited at any moment.

What can I add to what eveyone has already said. My husband's diagnosis is only early dementia and he is very high functioning. Works in the yard, does handyman projects - but I make him mad sometimes I think just by existing. This is new behavior.

He is so jolly, friendly, joking to stangers and people at church.As soon as he turns away from them, he gives me the cold shoulder and won't talk for days. Unless it is to tell me how I have screamed at him, accusing him of things he didn't do. I don't think he is dilusional, but when he gets mad, he pulls things out of the air that just didn't happen. He says I do it and I don't remember. I think it would be hard for me to scream, because usually at those times I am busy repeating the Serenity prayer over and over in my head to get to the next step and not react.

Sex???????? The last couple of times he let me know with scorn and critism what a poor job I did, so I don't even measure up in that area.The part that hurts is that he looks so good on the outside to everyone else and he is so hateful and ugly talking to me at home. He used to be a perfect gentleman. He doesn't want to work anything through when he gets mad at me. He sits in his room, or stays away from me to "punish" me.

At the beginning of this behavior I moved out of the bedroom as I can't stand being spoken to in such crude terms., him being angry at me not speaking to me and my trying to sleep with all that tension and negative attitude toward me. At least being away from him maintains some of my dignity for myself.

I feel like a crumb when we see other people - family visits. It is obvious that he is mad with me the whole time, but he laughs and talks and jokes with everyone else. But won't talk or interact with me. It makes everyone uncomfortable.

We have been to therapy - he lies and they believe him. He is very charming. I find it very demoralizing. He has never been violent with me - not even suggested it, but when he gets so mad at me, I get frightened that he may come after me. He does the road rage thing - not in my car anymore. So, he can get pretty mad.

Today, I made him mad by reminding him of something that he said to me that I did not like - the F word. He hit the ceiling and blamed it all on me. He has been in his office - at home - all day. He has now closed the door. For some reason, I am very frightened. I don't know what to expect. I have taken my purse and hidden it in the garage in a bag and a change of clothes and walking shoes in a plastic bag in the trash can outside. Now, who sounds like they have the problem. Sometimes I think I am going crazy.

Even tho he is very high functioning, he is a stranger to me most of the time. I feel like I always have to be on guard and can't relax because I don't know which side of him I will see and it doesn't take much for him to get in a bad mood with me.

Thanks for listening. It helps me not feel so paranoid and crazy. I have to say, I am not in the habit - every of hiding my clothes in a plastic bag in the trash can in case I have to run out.

Thank all of you for sharing and being so candid. It helps. God bless. Hope

Dear Hope,

So sorry to hear how drastic your home situation is since AD moved in to mess things up. I relate so much to waking up stressed already, just wondering what moods and rages are going to visit today.
My hubby says mean things when he gets upset, but denies vehemently ever saying those things. And more frequently now we are having a day like today where he starts first thing wanting a kiss, then asking if I love him, then asking things as if he's confused (Where do you live, when did you move here, how many kids, etc. etc.), then laughing and saying he's just kidding. He puts me through alot of heartaches. Then he starts talking about how uncaring I am, that I'm trying to ruin us. He says, "I thought we were gonna have a nice future together, we're a good pair, we get along real good." Then accusing me again of not wanting our relationship to last. Then peppers the entire day with sexual innuendo in between the insults and the whining. I tell ya, its getting harder and harder to keep giving passes because he has AD. He threatens to sell the house, take the kids (15 and 17), take all the money, and leave me on the streets. He has even demanded I leave the house. I have a couple times, just to keep the peace. And then he's calling my phone constantly, crying that he doesn't understand why I blew up and left him. OH,WELL!

We just went to his doc on the 10th and I took notes in for the doc to review before coming in to see Paul. She was going to make a minor change in his meds, but then I asked her to clarify my thoughts on his brain MRI from 23 months ago. Then I asked her to do a MMSE (mini-mental) to see where he's at. Well, out of the 30 possible, he scored 26 in April '07, and now, 5 months later he scored 16. After that she told us very straightforward that this big of a drop concerns her that she won't try to keep treating the AD related stuff and referred us to the one and only Neurologist in our area. Their office doesn't make appts with patients, they are in such demand that they only take patients whose docs call them to give the direct referral, and actually make the appt. with the office personnel. Anyway, our doc called later that day and Rx'd Xanax, half to 1 mg, once or twice a day. Well, we've been experimenting. Two days ago he slept all day, then stayed up half the night tossing and turning. Trial and error, today we're at half mg a.m. and p.m., and switched his Aricept from P.M. to A.M. I just have to keep working at it to find the right mix until we see the Neurologist.

Joang is so right about the counselling. I told her once before that the counsellor told me it could help me deal, but wouldn't do us much good because Paul couldn't retain any of it. Or he would be so cool in front of the counsellor and a jerk once we got out the door. DH was violent with me only once, 9 years ago in a drunk rage. He went to rehab, has a misdemeanor battery on his record, and we stayed separated a while. He worked so hard to win back my trust and we eventually reconciled. Now he wants to constantly ask questions about that period of our lives, and as he regresses I see that bar room style behavior coming back. That soooooo sucks, to get your hubby back from living in a bottle, to having AD come in and make it feel like that's all coming back again.

Thanks Joang,

Yep, Paul has seen his internist who has a large geriatric patient load. The neurology appt is not until Nov. 19.
He is sundowning so much. I almost prefer he would sleep all day for a couple days. Kind of like a mini vacation. I'm trying to hang in here. Yes, its frustrating me alot. I experiment with changing my own behavior now and then such as trying to enter his illusion when he is confused. Sometimes it keeps things calm, sometimes not. Paul had been on Namenda almost 2 years, and on Aricept 5 to 6 months. We have added the Xanax, and also B=12 injections once per month. Keeping my fingers crossed.

New Realm and Hope, How I relate to the things you have said. Gord will also ask me how many days I come here and where do I work. I still have not learned the art of agreeing...Lord knows I try. I also recite the Serenity Prayer. I keep telling him that we have been married for 42 years. We had an amazing day on Monday and then yesterday he didn't really remember our relationship or at least the duration of it for most of the day. For the very first time, he did not know how to get home. I have done the navigating to every where we go for the last 2 years but he always knew how to get back home. It was a real blow. Gord started out at 28 on the memory test in 2004 and is now at 17. He has been on and off Exelon and now is in a study for Ebixa for 6 months at which time he will get Ebixa for free for about a year.....if it works.

Leighanne said: "I know that there have been so many changes lately that cause Robert to feel like less of a man. He can't work. He has to stay with his parents during the day. He can't drive. I know that I shouldn't take sex away from him. He looks so different and acts so different - it's really weird for me. Last night, I gave in. To my surprise, he was much more like the "old Robert". I just started crying quietly during. I don't know why I reacted that way."

I could have written that. Including the crying part. A year or so ago that was the reaction I had every time.
It can be a strange, upsetting--or just too evocative-- experience for a variety of reasons.
(except for we do need the Levitra.)

Tony,
You weren't rambling - just expressing your feelings. That's the purpose of this board. You said something that I have hesitated to mention in any of my blogs, because it's such a touchy subject, and so hard to deal with, but you are right - this will one day pass. It is sad to think ahead to that time, but it is reality. Because of your young age, you will have another chance at a fulfilling life. It is not selfish to think about that. As you said, it's just human.
joang

Barabarakay, Please read the warnings on Seroquel. My husband was on it for a short time, as prescribed by our internist, but then the neurologist told me to take him off of it right away because it can cause violence. I checked on the warnings with the Seroquel and it said it was not appropriate for any type of senility because it could cause violent behavoir. We are now using another drug to help him sleep and there are no such warnings for this one. I have begun to read every single warning on medications for either of us, tiny print and all, and I found out that I had just been prescribed a medication not good for a heart condition I have. I called my doctor about it and he said he had just read that, and to forget that medication. Big help, but a bit late. I had already paid $117. for it and couldn't get that money back, even though the box was still sealed. I should have checked it out on the internet, first, I guess, because the warnings seem to be written more clearly.