Fayebay when safety becomes such a great issue your options become real slim. I think that is a common reason placement comes up. Being locked up in a house vs a chance for social interaction in a nursing home
FayeBay--Just read your entry through twice. You are doing what needs to be done. You've tried all you can to do it at home. The Va Dr. gets it. The social worker backs you up. Try the homemaker help. If that doesn't make a sigtnificant difference, do what must be done. Your job is to care for him. That means ensuring that he is in a safe, healthy environment. The behavior you have described is Not safe nor healthy for either of you or anyone else. This is the time when you have to recognize that the best care for him is a NH with a whole team to do the work. It's your job to chose a good one and ensure they do their best. Your job is changing, not ending yet. A long as you're seeing to his care, you are doing the job. There can be NO GUILT. And, with more help, you will be able to spend more quality time with him and take better care of yourself as well.
FayBay, I think you should consider placement for both your sakes and you have no reason to feel guilty. Home help will help some but maybe not enough. There is going to come a time for all of us, when things are more than we can handle safely and then the honerable and loving next step is to place them someplace they will be safe and well taken care of. During early days you will be able to catch up on sleep and rest, regroup and look at things with a new perspective. Others have reported great interaction with their loved ones in NH. Sometimes I think the interaction is important for them to have.
When my Mom got to the point of insisting I take her to her Doctor or take her to the Hospital she was never satisfied and accused me falsly of everything. I contact our Doctor (a long family friend) and he suggested nh or Hospice. I chose Hospice because she was easy for me to take care of. They accepted her and came for 6 months until she passed.
I think there are too many guilt trips about placing in nursing home and not enough concern for the overworked, stressed out caregiver.
FayeBay, Here's a BIG HUG!!!!!!!!!! nothing to feel quilty about. Consider the NH, the homemaker is not going to be much help if he wants to go out to the road. They will have a list of duties that you read and agree too. They will NOT physically restrain him or keep him from leaving. I have already been thru this. The VA has excellent facilities for AD and other Demenita condidtions and they are very experienced. If the case worker offered the placement, that means that the doctor recommended it and feels that it is time. I love you, know that I will be one day be at this same place and support what ever you decide 100%, but just make sure that they give the facts about the options. Love you Phyllis
Please don’t feel any guilt about placement. In addition to professionals thinking it is now time, it sounds like your body is telling you loud and clear that you’ve done all you can physically do. No matter how much we wish we could do this by ourselves all the way through, sometimes the body outvotes us. And it always wins. There is no arguing with a body that has reached its limits.
Do it and do it now. You must have the ER doctor listen and listen well I know they are busy but you must place him. Of course he says he hates the place but it is his own mind telling him that something is wrong and he knows that it is time. Wishing you straight to hell, you are there now. You cannot go on living like that and it will get worse as his disease progresses. I don't think I have had to do anything harder in my life than to walk out of that hospital leaving him there. They are the professionals and take care of people just like him and worse. Guilt trips by the hundreds and some days they are worse than others and with time you will understand that you have done the right thing for both of you. When I called the police when he hit me with a floor squeegie and that ended up as cellulitis I feared for my life and him at 6 foot 3 is way too big of a man to try to take care of and stay out of harms way. Your job does not end when you place him not by any means it will only change to a different life style. You will get to see him and do for him just as much as you feel you need to. I go see my DH every few days and some are good visits and some are not but that is the beast of this disease. (((((Hugs))))
Dear FayeBay, Re: the VA Hospital. You said he hated it, so you hesitate to take him there. Earlier, he said (in his delirium) that he hates YOU, etc., so you have to know that he doesn't get to decide!! His "decider button" has also been disabled. They will say they hate everything. I guess that's why it would be a perfect world if someone would just step in and with objectivity, take over this step of their particular journey. I'm so sorry, but I don't believe he is going to get back to his old self.... that "beast" you mention is deeply embedded in his brain and will raise its ugly head with no warning. We so hate to be the "bad guy", but looking out for their own welfare (not to mention yours) is your main job this week. I think that you know this...just need affirmation. God Bless You.
Faybaye, i agree the time has come for you to consider your own health and placing him seems to be the solution. i hope it is soon. in the meantime if he is still at home with you i would suggest you put keyed deadbolts on your doors to keep him inside and off the streets and safe til placed. ((faybaye))) divvi
Fayebaye, so sorry you had to come to placement so soon and without much preparation. when you see your DH next give him a superrrrrr hug from us here and know we wish him a rapid adjustment and may he find peace in his new home. hugs to you as well . it is for the best, and you did your best always, divvi
FayeBay I feel your pain. Know that you have been a good wife and took good care of him. There comes a time when we must face up to the fact that they need to be placed for everyone's safety. Your time has come. Violence is uncontrolable. I am glad you posted and told us your story. I hope you can take a pill and sleep a restful sleep tonight.
FayeBay, I feel your pain. I had to placed my dh without notice 3 weeks ago. It's almost better that your dh is 2 hrs away. Give him some time to adjust. Understand that when you do see him, he will beg to come home. Nothing will tear at your heart more than this. You will think-"well maybe I can do this" but you must STOP and not take him home. Yes, they may put him on meds and quiet him down but remember, this violence is not aimed at you but at a person he no longer connects with. Sure, he may remember you but the violence is never totally under control and he can strike back at any time. I know I made the right decision to place my dh. I saw him yesterday and he beeeeggged me to take him home. Told me they beat people there. My heart was breaking and I left after 1/2 hr after driving an hour to get there. It almost feels like a battered spouse. No matter how bad it was, you still want to try to make it work. I had my brother with me and he knew I was upset so he helped me regroup and leave. I thought it was hard when I cared for him 24/7. This is far harder. Know that we are here to get you through this and I hope you were able to sleep ok tonight. It has been a difficult week for you and you need a good rest without having to worry about your safety. Just remember you did your best and will continue to do the same. Come back often . We will all be here to help.huggggggggggggggssssssss.
Having to place a loved one is like death. Everything is out of control now. You can't fix anything and the lonliness is terrible. There is no hope-only waiting. The sudden quiet of your house is like a tomb. Sometimes it is difficult to even breathe. Nothing will be right again.
FayeBay,i understand how you feel I to had to place dh in a nh, leaving him was the hardest thing to do but the best for both of us. he has been falling , had 3 falls in one week I could not have handled that and what if he broke something or hit his head how would I feel then so I thank god for the nh. I miss him so much and the house is still to quiet in the night, i talk to myself in the night, sometimes i think i`m going bonkers but then morning comes and i feel better . it`s only been a month so i am still adjusting, i can now go places with friends and children without having to think about it. ((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))) TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
FayeBay - My heart goes out to you. Also to everyone here who has had to place their LO's. It is just heart-wrenching reading your stories. I can't imagine leaving Dave when he's begging me to take him home. It must be so hard! I know that is all of our eventuality, but that doesn't make it any easier. My arms are wrapped around all of you in a big (((((HUG))))) ~Di
FayeBay, I just read about the terrible turmoil you have been through. You are a loving and caring spouse and you are doing the right thing for your DH. You have to make the hard decisions and the right choices because he cannot. (No reasoning and uncontrollable behaviors.) There will be time for adjustments and more painful moments, but, there will also be times when you can care for and comfort your DH without worrying about your or his safety because others will be helping you. Both of you are entitled to this help. Come to us for hugs and comfort when you need to. Many hugs and good thoughts your way!!!!!!!! Sue
FayeBaye, Here is another big hug!!! You did the right thing, now, do not wear yourself driving so far to the hosp everyday. Maybe you can get a routine down so that you do not drive so far. When he is placed in a NH will it be closer to home?? I am glad that your were not physically hurt and that deputies got there to contain the situation. I love you and if you not want to lug all these posts around on paper, just put us and our words in your heart. That way you will know that one of us is always there with you!!! Get some rest and take care of you. You are a wonderful wife to him!!! Phyllis