I call my husband twice a day since he's been in the hospital. Lately, he is quite lucid. Talks to me very well, without meanness. Tells me he loves me. His voice seems so depressed, however. He says he wants me to forget him and go find someone else because he says they're never going to let him come home. He says he's being kept there by "the system". Since he's a doctor, he tells me he knows how the system works on his end...once they get you there in his situation the hospital or nursing home wants to keep you until the money runs out. I'm concerned that he has developed such a cynical attitude. Sounds like a man who has lost all hope. I know, I know.....the disease. I'm just so sad and lonely. There is never any closure about anything and I can't get information I need, like his state of health or treatments he is recieving. He tells me he isn't given any therapies where he is now. No medications. He says people come in to check on him once in a while, but mostly he is just lying there. He says he's been "put away". This is so sad. I'm waiting, once again, all day by the phone waiting for a call from a nurse or his doctor. Why won't anyone pay any attention to his situation? Oh, well. I guess I'm just venting here once more. Our anniversary is coming up next week. I wanted him home before that or at least before the iris bloom. He says he doesn't remember what where we live looks like, its been so long. What hurts so much is his telling me to find another. And, I can tell, he knows what he's saying. So lonely. I know I could take care of his needs here. At least, let me try? I'm sick worrying. Yeah, I do try to keep busy. But yesterday I looked around at all I've done outdoors and just wondered , "what for?". My therapist wanted to know why I do this to myself. I could only say, because I love him. I can't explain it any deeper. I just want my husband home for the little bit of time I have willl have with him. This is really my only outlet outside of therapy sessions.
I understand your love and loneliness, StuntGirl. I dread the day I can't care for my DW at home any more. I'll die trying first; I just don't think anyone else can give her the care I can, and I would miss her terribly if she couldn't be here at home. Even if it comes to being bedridden and with a feeding tube, I will stand by her. So I know the depth of sadness and loneliness you feel not having your DH home with you. I hope he can be with you soon.
I've been sitting by two phones all day long, with phone calls in to John's doctors. I've called their offices a second time at midday and had been assured that I'd get a call back today. Nothing. Nothing. I promised John I'd have some answers for him when I call tonight. He is so afraid no one cares and he won't be allowed to ever come home. He's lost hope. Why do the medical staff ignore us like this???? I just don't understand.
Jen, it's a cya thing. Remember that doctors cannot give info to people who are not on the "list" of persons to be informed. What are you going to ask the doctors? Do you ever talk to the lawyer step-son? I'd think if you could bridge the gap in that relationship, you might be able to get somewhere.
I think the medical staff is not ignoring you per se, but rather, they are stalling because they do not have the authority to devulge everything unless his son says it is OK. I wish you had something else to do - because sitting by the phone all day, waiting for it to ring just increases your stress level.
His regular doctor has been very willling to talk with me about John's health issues at the hospital. The nurse is talking to me at times. Though, they didn't call me back today and I was really counting on it. I can't get in touch with his neurologist. I've tried to "bridge the gap" with my step-son, but have made no headway there. I wrote him a letter tellling him what my plans were to bring his dad home so I can be with him, told him about my POA delema, very cordial. Sent it out certified, signature requested, so I know he got it. Promptly got an e-mail from my own daughter saying I shouldn't try to "get friendly" with other members of the family because I wouldn't get anywhere. So much for trying to get information. I slipped into my lawyer's office this morning and left him a note.....wondering what the problem was with simply giving John's attorney the number at the hospital where he is and having him SIMPLY ASK John if he does or does not want to persue this divorce thing. THAT'S one of my big problems here. That legal issue is taking control over all else I have to try and work out.
You have answered your own question about how to handle this many times, yet you keep regressing back to bringing him home. Just because he has some lucid moments, even days, does not mean he has really changed and will be any easier to handle than when you called the police to come get him. He says he knows the system and will never leave - well he knows you and are playing with your emotions and well being. Go back and read what you told your counselor and us = that you need to detached emotionally from him and move on. File your divorce to protect your future. You are putting your self under so much stress - flip flopping, sitting by the phone, etc. - that you may end up going before he does.
You horses and other animals need you - you need them. Your artwork needs you. That is your future, not John.
Remember what others suggested - when you go along with the divorce asking for your half, you may be surprised at his families reaction. They may give up knowing they can't intimidate you anymore.. Only time will tell. But first you need to stop wasting your time waiting for a phone call. If nothing else, give up your landline and get a cell phone. Then you can take it with you and wait for the phone call (if it comes) while you are going on with your life. And do not give the number to John - you only call him.
Just so hard to accept. I hear his voice and he sounds like himself.....I think they're giving him meds to control him. He still sounds like my old John. How do I stop loving him?
StuntGirl...you don't. You try to find another to love also, I guess. I don't think there is just one Mr. or Mrs. Right for us...I think there are so many good people out there that there are others just waiting for us to find if necessary for fulfillment. I think there will be for me if I outlast my DW. Everyone has the capacity to love more than one person in the same way without forgetting one of them.
Jen, you can love him and not have him with you. You can divorce him and still see him (and maybe someday "LIVE IN SIN" with him).... But you need to get that darned divorce so you will be awarded 50% of the marital assets.
If he gets better and comes home , you can always remarry for gosh sakes. But FIRST... you've said yourself that if he dies you will get nothing since you have been cut out of his will, the annunity, etc. Where is your head, Jen! A divorce is not an execution. It is a way to resolve your money issue! THINK, Jen, THINK! and ACT!!!
DH has been spending a lot of time on the "other" FTD site and posting as well??!! The biggest thing he takes away from reading and corresponding with other "victims" and caregivers, is that the Caregivers wait TOO LONG to place their loved ones. He said he has read so many posts of caregivers getting hurt and worn down to the point of illness. He made me promise, over and over again, that when it get's to that point that I promise to place him. He said he knows that I will always be there to oversee and participate in his care, I cried. Tomorrow (Friday) he wants to go and preplan his funeral, while he can still remember most info. He knows he is going down hill fast. Boy do I need hugs
Susan, lots of (((((((((HUGS))))))). Know what you are going through. We just pre arranged his/my funerals last month. He knew what he wanted and we got it done. One more thing not to worry about. Peace to you and to him.
Susan, planning ahead and telling you what he wants and doesn't want is the best thing he can do for you now. When you have to speak for him in the future, you can make sure his wishes are being followed. His wanting to preplan/prepay his funeral may be one of the things that comforts him and helps him deal with what is to come.
My husband was very clear on what he wanted and didn't want. Now that he is no longer able to speak for himself, his having told me what he wanted takes a huge burden off of me as I am going after what he wanted not trying to figure out what he would want.
Stuntgirl, there's good advice here. Listen to it. You have to take care of yourself or you won't be able to take care of anything. That won't help anything, will it?? You have more folks on your side thaan you are aware of, so enjoy what you can. If you let your own health and happiness stay on the back burner, you won't be at your best for him.
I don't think I'm going to ever be allowed to have any portion of John anymore. My family is so frayed, greedy, angry and vengeful at me. There's none of it left except for my own mother and father, which are in failing health. You all are so lucky to have thoughtful spouses, people to love and take care of you in a real hands-on manner. SusanL: I wish you the very best. You know that you are fortunate to have a man like that, who is showing his love for you in such a great way. My parents have preplanned their funerals, even written their own obituaries, taken care of everything in order to ease my burden when their time comes. I wish I could rewrite my life and have taken a different path.
Ah rewriting ones life, I sat and thought about that, after I thought of the mistakes I've made I thought about how those mistakes led to some wonderful outcomes. My miserable 1st marriage produced 3 beautiful, loving children, and terrific grandchildren, and some very dear friends, a home I was able to share when my parents, foster children and family needed shelter. My career as an EMT caused three very painful herniated discs and kept me off my feet for many years, but allowed me to learn medicine and be able to stay at home and raise my newborn grandson. who is now 9 yrs old. My move to Maine did not work out in the career Jim wanted but brought us to a place we adore and has amazing services for Dylan and now JIm! And as for meeting Jim 6 yrs ago.............I wouldn't change a thing. The time we had together has provided me with more love than all my other years put together. No, I wouldn't have taken a different path afterall.
Stuntgirl, whatever has happened in the past doesn't have to last forever. Even if they are the ones wrong - sometimes we have to suck it in and say "I'm so sorry" and see if that works. I know you've had a horrific past with your son's overdose and your prescription pill addiction....but if you told them you want to try to mend some fences, without any aggression,.. it may begin to open the doors a crack. it won't happen overnight.
I hope you don't think I'm being a goody-goody, but it would be so good for you if some of the past problems between you and your children could be forgiven and all of you could reach a place where a truce could be made. The hardest thing is to not bring up anyone's past transgressions...and truly start anew.
I cannot imagine how your life must be with all of the anger and resentments that are swirling around in your world. Someone has to put a stop to this and extend an olive branch.
This is a different subject from your relationship with your husband. We need family so much. I cannot tell you how many times I have been the one to say "I'm sorry" when I really don't think I was wrong. It resolves the matter at hand. So, it's worth it. It seems that part of Motherhood is to forgive and forgive and forgive. We shouldn't have to do that, but it's the way it is...at least around "My House, Texas".
Nancy B....yes, I've tried all that. I can't tell you how many times I've written and called and said "I'm sorry". Sometimes, the kids have recounted episodes that they remember (with a child's mind, not as an adult) and I don't remember....and they have demanded an apology. I apologize. Now, I'm the one extending the olive branch, saying I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong, I'm not perfect, how I wish it could be different.....and for them to please forgive me, even for the things I can't recognize. I'm afraid its a greed issue. Thank you for your caring. I just want my "family" back. Jen
Keep at it Jen. I know of what I speak. Been there. It took a year or so to finally let one of my children vent about the oddest things that I too didn't remember. DIdn't defend the incident, just said, "If I had only known then...why didn't you say anything instead of letting it fester for so long?" I'm so sorry Jen, I know how sad you must feel. I wish I could fix it for you. In the meantime, if everything you did involved the future and nothing you did involved the past, I think your world would open up. Funny, our kids don't want to see us needy. They like us best when we're the perfect parent!
I'm sick. I called the hospital to tell my John goodnight and they told me he had been moved. Talked with the admissions office to see where...they said their records indicate he was discharged. Called the nursing home where he was before....they've not readmitted him there. There is NOWHERE else he can be! Not even at his sister's as she is away from home right now! I'm really scared to death. He must be so confused and frightened, wherever he is. Today he asked me to promise to call him before I go to sleep. All information about him has been shut down to me.
Call your lawyer at 9:00 in the morning. I'm telling you that your time is running out. File for the divorce...get 1/2 the marital assets..put the $$ in your personal account and then remarry him after you find him.
I bet he calls you by the weekend. In the meantime, time is of the essense...and if you don't do something, you'll get nothing. Listen and re-read all the posts from day one. All of us have told you over and over what you should do. There have been no split decisions.... everyone is on the same page. PLUS, your therapist has told you the same thing. Why don't you just try it our way. Obviously, your way did NOT work, right? Surely you recognize that by now. So sorry.
Hey, everybody.....I DID find my husband! His sister called me when she returned from vacation last night and told me where he is. The hospital where he was being treated did no physical rehab and now he is continuing it. He is VERY unhappy about that as it's so hard for him due to the time off from it. In a lot of pain.
Stuntgirl, I'm so glad you found him! Also, I am grateful for support you've given regarding family matters. The advice from Nancy B is sound. The only problem with it is the divestment if you open up a personal account. If your husband needs long term care for an extended period of time, divorcing and creating another asset( personal acct ) could be looked at in terms of divestment in medicaid's eyes. Divestment can be penalized by your state in the form of public assistance to aid in paying L T C for your hubby. If you have private insurance for L T C.
Don't think he'll need Medicaid, - because he's well fixed, according to many of Jen's postings. He's a renown physician who specialized in caring for "at risk" pregnancies and has won numerous accolades for his accomplishments. Jen and John owned a Virginia horse farm where she showed beautiful horses in various competitions. The horse farm is solely in Jen's name. There is quite a bit of money in annuities that was set aside for Jen's benefit after his death, and one of the contentions is that his son by an earlier marriage (who is an attorney himself) has had the beneficiary of that large annuity changed , removing Jen's name as the beneficiary. This is why we are ALL encouraging her to take legal steps while he is still living, because after he is gone, she'll have no recourse without long hard expensive court fights. A judge would see this recently manipulation of his finances by his sons since he had a psche episode, and may invalidate the change. It has been generally agreed by those of us on this site that it would be in Jen (Stuntgirl's) best interest to get these reviewed by a Family Court Judge as soon as possible. There is at least half a million dollars on the table...possibly more. Jen, step in and correct me if I'm not stating the facts. I think I'm the unofficial fact-keeper here, because I have felt her pain intensely.. and truly believe she has been royally 'screwed' by his older children. They were married 25 years... those kids should step out of the way here!
Sorry, I got interrupted. Anyway what I was saying that in your case, divestment could cause you a financial penalty in case you intent to get Mediacid for hubby. Getting medicaid will protect more assets if you file for it now, they generally look at what the assets are at the time you file for Medicaid, but can look at prior co-mingling of assets compared to your situation at filing time, depending on when you apply in regards to when your funds were co-mingled to determine your divestment penalty. Depending on your state's ublic assistance current policy, as each state changes from time to time depending how the current administration. So try to look at where you are going with your financial situation and compare that with your future needs as a couple. I know that will be difficult given your POA issues and the fact that you are being not much info, but for starters you may start by filing for medicaid now and they will look at your potential eligibility currently. This will give you a baseline from with which to start with, and give you a general idea where to start if you should need help financially in future. If you have long term care insurance for him that would make a difference given his prognosis. Good luck, I will help if I can. Shadowbaby
Nancy B I agree that family court is approprite in the matter of Stuntgirl's regarding the poa issues to look for abuse of power and the propriety that anyone else but her should have any poa of medical and financial types. I would also point out that probate court could be of help regarding guardianship issues and conservator issues. They can take the family court findings and continue to challenge the poa dpoa mpoa etc. Shadowbaby