DH finally (after 2 months) got a call from younger daughter, who lives in Santa Monica. She has been planning her wedding and has set a date. FLIPPIN FEBRUARY OF 2010 in flippin Santa Monica, because it WAS EASIER FOR HER! He told that it was most likely that he would not be able to attend as traveling is a big problem for him. She said she understood. Besides that, we don't even know if I would be invited and there is no way he could travel alone, even now. She then stated that the following summer there would be another reception in her husband's parents in Conn. She totally ignores the fact that he will probably not be able to attend that either!!!!! He is so hurt, by his two "daughters", I cannot even begin to explain how selfish and self centered they ar'e. It's all about them. At the end ofthe conversation he mentioned my daughter's wedding in July, and that he was giving her away. I hurt so much for him. I know there is nothing I can do, I'm just flippin p o'd.
Susan L, do you ever converse with the younger daughter directly? If so, could you call her when your hubby is asleep and let her KNOW for sure how much she's hurting him? And ask her if they would come to your home and have a second ceremony in your town with just family members so that he could give her away and feel like he was a part of her wedding? She could wear her gown again, so no extra cost there! And just cake and punch in the reception hall afterwards, keeping it simple for him and yet he would be a part of the festivities?
I'm going to put my two cents in here. Just from the single phrase it sounds like the "reception" In Conn is actually the same kind of thing that Mary is suggesting, only from the groom's parents point of view. The couple has already accepted that idea. If Susan thinks she can manage what Mary is suggesting, it really does sound like the way to deal with Mary's LO not being able to travel. It is possible that neither set of parents can travel.
Susan - it's so hard to watch our LO's being treated like they no longer matter. I have two grown sons, and 1 of them is really good about spending time with his dad and helping me out when I need it, the other one simply chooses to act like there is no such thing as AD, and I'm just a witch (with a b) for even suggesting there's something wrong with his dad. I agree with Starling, the reception in Conn is being held so his parents can be included, so why can't they offer the same consideration to your DH and have a small reception in your town? If that doesn't work, I live minutes from Santa Monica, I will go and slap his daughter personally for you, forget about the cyber slap! :)
could it be the 'daughter' is PO'd about your DH giving your daughter away?? and using the shun to get back?i am assuming kids from different marriages?that always leads to issues for sure-and what's that about you not sure "you'd be invited"??? are you not her dads wife who is caring for her father, and deserves some respect here if thats the case, if it were me and its that kind of hostility going on she would be lucky to get a wedding gift much less a reception PLANNED prepared and organized and less we forget paid for by myself and DH??? we need to remember our self respect people, if you dont demand it, you wont get it-- especially from self centered egotistical introvert 'relatives'... i have said my peace about this same subject on another thread, you disrepect my husband you slap me in the face and consequences will be paid---its the same for everyone here. divvi
better give me that cheese sauce recipe, mary...:)
i HATE the weak, elderly, animals, helpless, and defensless being taken advantage of.. can you tell??? dont mean to be so controversial at times but someone needs to take a stand for the lack of respect shown to our diseased spouse and ourselves,, or am i out of line here?. divvi
NO!!!!!! You are not out of line!! I love that you speak out....we need more backbone! I'm the one who tries to look for comprises to try to please everyone, and then rarely pleases anyone, but they can live with the outcome. Sometimes.
I agree with any and all of above. I cannot understand why ANYONE would want to have a Wedding away from at least part of the immediate family, unless they want the local publicity for themself. Never could understand why someone wants to go to some exotic place to be married. My friends daughter went to Greece to be married and she and her husband flew there to attend. Why not get married with family and go to the MOON for the honeymoon.
My feelings are that someday when they mature they will migrate back to family for love and support and by then they will regret these slights but it will be too late. Sorry, but I am just FAMILY orientated. Hope I don't offend anybody.
lmohr, not offensive in the least. In the end, family is all we have. You're absolutely right about having regrets when it is too late. Hildann posted a link a few days ago to a wonderful video about just this subject. Here's the link: http://parentswish.com/site01/big.html and I will bring the original post ttt ~Di
As with most things, even weddings have changed. Have you noticed how many "destination" weddings couples are having. I've known quite a few at Mexican resorts, Hawaii, New Orleans and the Carribbean. They are no longer the event they were in our day.
It's rare that the extended families can attend, with the cost of hotels and air fare, not to mention the incidental expenses. The hotels will offer their facilities free to the bride and groom if they have a minimum number of guests attend at the regular rate. It's a different society to day. It's all about the "wedding"....and very little about the marriage.
His daughter did not know about my daughter's wedding. Neither of his daughters call, "they lead very busy lives!, Work is demanding and heavy social schedule!" Conneticut reception is for the grooms relatives who can or will not fly to CA. Grooms parents and Dh's ex are all flying out. YES I have called both daughters, like talking to a nasty lunitic! Older one won't even let us come down to see 14 mo old grandson anymore! Talk about getting kicked when you are down. Jim's heart is broken. There time will come, his family, siblings, etc, have also tried and have had enough. When Jim's time comes, should they dare show their faces, they will be escorted out by a large contingent of Jim Supporters! If they don't have time to visit, call or care, in life they will not be welcome in death.
She is also too selfish to come ALL THE WAY TO MAINE to let Jim see her in her gown or repeat a ceremony. She visits her older sister 3 hrs away and doesn't even let us know she is in town.
Nancy, you are so right about the Destination Weddings. Fine if all you want are your HEALTHY parents there. BUT then they come home and through a big reception so that they can gather the gifts! AGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
She obviously doesn't love her father and doesn't want to be around him. It's her loss. If the other sister who lives nearby treats him badly and doesn't come to see him either, I would fail to notify either of them whem he passes. And I'd make certain that they don't get a cent! It goes without saying that no wedding gift will be forthcoming! I can't believe how heartless some people treat family members with AD. It is awful!
Susan if you think your DH should and would enjoy visiting with his 14mo old grandson, i mite tell you all states have laws enacted that protect visitation rights of grandparents. a judge might frown harshly on a daughter who denies a terminally ill grandparent the right to visit and enteract with a grandchild. you may want to revisit this idea with his daughter who you say wont allow him to visit. i think all you would have to do is threaten to seek legal counsel and see if she comes around. it may work and worse case scenario you do ask an atty about it. courst are not keen on whats not in the best interst of children in this country. divvi
The heck with slapping....let's get the Sopranos on this! No one..but no one should ever stand in the way of a Grandfather meeting with his grandson. As far as not leaving one red cent..that's just what I would leave for them, then they would know that it was not overlooked but planned!
My daughter called today saying this time she is ready to come back to WA. Art was ready to jump in the car (again) and go get her and our grandson. She first called my sister asking for money to pay their water bill before it is turned off; then me but I didn't hear the phone ring; then called her brother. None of us have the money to send her. I called her this after noon to tell her the only way she can come back is to fly. She said that would not do, doesn't like dragging a child to make connections. Of course last time he was under 1, he is not 3 1/2. Told her that we are not driving back - her dad can't handle it. The days of lack of sleep would hurt him. Told her when he has a busy day, the next day is full of forgetfulness and confusion. She told me he said he was fine. I told her 'of course he says he is fine. He tells the doctor he is fine. He doesn't realize all he forgets.'. She told me I was being over protective and I needed to let him live his life. I told her I am being overprotective and it will stay that way.
She got off on her tangent blaming me for all her problems including not being able to compromise on how to get back here. I hung up on her cause she would not keep on topic of how to get here. She called back later and said she was not going to come cause of me. I reminded her she would not be living with us, but that my sister offered her a room until she gets a place of her own. She also brought up me not calling her back on Mother's Day. I told he I didn't because I didn't want to ruin the good day I had knowing we would do exactly what was happening now. She didn't like that. By the way, we are only doing this for her son - to get him away.
She doesn't understand why we will spend $500 to fly her out here but not give her money. She won't comprehend that we don't have the cash - it would go on a credit card. Then she tried making the point it would be cheaper to fly her to S.California where her boyfriend's mom lives. And where she thinks it is cheaper to live than here. Bologna!! She also doesn't understand why we won't pay to bring her abusive, controlling boyfriend out with her. Duh!! The point is to separate them - get her to safety. This is the 4th controlling, abusive guy she has been with. She married the first 'to show us' and the others she lived with. She has made bad choices and unfortunately her children have paid the price. Her two oldest live with their dad,his parents and his brother's family, but have a lot of emotional problems due to her abandoning them and his family trying to wipe her out of their memory. They are trying to make them call their aunt 'mommy'. Her third child she gave up for adoption 4 years ago and from his pictures looks very happy. Thank goodness she got her tubes tied. She is 31 going on 16.
Anyway, for the first time I allowed myself to cry. Not because of her - but because of hb's aMCI. I asked my son to come over to talk about her telling him what went on. I even allowed myself to cry talking with him when I told him I want to keep him here in the present, don't want him to go away. He understood - he sees him forgetting and the confusion. Now I got to find a way to stop the tears and get control back.
Charlotte, its tough when your kids don't make the right choices. Here's a hug to help you get to sleep tonight(((((HUG))))). I am hoping tomorrow will be a better day for you.
Cry. You need to release the tension. Everyone has someone in their life that has done this to them. My dh had 1 sibling-a sister. She was his everything. We teased him that they seemed attached at the hip. When he returned to Calif after being in Vietnam, he went awol to see her as her husband was stationed nearby. After this time in the brink, a few months later when his first niece was born, he again went awol to see her. He had a second niece a few years later, then sil and hubby divorced. As we had no kids, we treated them like ours. We did everything for them-even took them on vac. When my daughter was born, they were all raised like sisters. After a 7 year battle with breast cancer, my sil died. The girls were 21 and 26. My daughter was 13. We were devastated. After being so close for so many years, suddenly, neither girl called anymore. I called, invited them to dinner. Once in a while they'd come but it was obvious they were weaning away. My daughter was devastated over this new loss. It has been 12 years and we very seldom speak. I do not initiate any conversations. They are well aware of dh's diagnosis. He is godfather to one and I am godmother to her as well. In Jan, dh's Aunt came to visit and decided to "bring everything to a head". They had treated their only Great Aunt the same way. When we all got together and I asked what I did or my family did to create this problem, both girls broke down crying saying it was not us but them. The older one said she just couldn't take it after her mother (the glue) died and the younger one claimed she was in a deep depression. I understood and they vowed to keep in touch but nothing happened. As we all know, even those people we were close with before this dz, eventually most "forget Us" but we never get over the hurt-especially when it comes to hurting our lo. So you cry girl. We all need to do this especially when they are so bold as to do what they do without thinking about how it hurts us. After you cry long and hard, resolve that you will live your life differently and only put your energy into those things that you cannot change (ie-dh) or things that bring you some sort of pleasure. Maybe you need to change you number and give it only to those you want to hear from. We need to remove the toxic people in our lives. I knew an md that developed cancer. She cut her hours, moved to the beach, put a sign over her entry door that said-Leave your complaints and negativity outside the door or turn around and take them with you". She never took chemo and went into remission and today lives a much less stressful life and in fact, finds much more pleasure than she ever thought possible. So you go ahead and cry and then vow to live a different, better life without them.
If she needs to come West, t it's an "E-Ticket" (electronic) or nothing. Have your son call her and tell her that, to make the point on neutral ground. You will have to buy a full fare ticket for her son, because he is over 12 months of age. She should have no trouble with him in the airport. I've seen many mothers with several children under 5 ..traveling without a husband.
Do not try to reason with her, explain, etc. It's a ticket to your area, electronically issued, or NOTHING! whew! it's so easy to tell someone else how to handle a problem. Charlotte, if your daughter were my daughter, I'd be exactly where you are. It's so hard to be tough with our own children. We want them to "like us". No matter what they say! Just don't give in... and the drive would be absolutely impossible for you...don't even consider that another minute. Imagine being together in a car all that time. The long drive from Tennessee to the West Coast would be terrible for her little boy. He'd be miserable.
thank you all. She turned around and called my sister again. they were on the phone when Art went in to watch the last of the hockey game and still talking when he left over an hour later. My sister claims she just listens - lets her blab away. She does like to talk. I wish we had somewhere else to go park our motor home but it is free here except we pay some for electric and water. We don't get enough in unemployment to afford to stay in a park. Oh well - such is life.
Kathryn - sorry about your nieces. I know how that is too. We did a lot with my brother that is a year older than me, and his family. He has three kids, two close to my kids ages. His kids have nothing to do with me or our kids. Neither does my brother for that matter.
I love the saying "you can pick your friends but not your relatives". Well guys, I choose you. Thank you all for being there and being supportive.
In my case, my side of the family has been very supportive and his side.....his neice and nephew have been suportive, his sister has been very supportive....his kids well 'nuf said.
My DIL has a facebook site. She post the dumbest things on there, but also her frustration. In the past she has really trashed my sister, whom they rent from (when they pay rent). Because my son has been out of work more than in work, she has let them slide many months on rent. She just ask they pay for the extra utilities they use. When she was gone for two months last winter, they were suppose to pay them all but guess what??? They didn't - only partially paid the utilities. But, they make sure their internet pays. They get money from many sources - mainly friends and church. He finally has been able to collect unemployment.
The portion they rent is a pig sty and she wonders why the kids get sick so often. She claims with two kids she doesn't have time to clean. There is food and food crumbs all over over the floor cause the kids (3 and 11 months) are allowed to eat anywhere they want. They just had a bad case of ants, which was expected. He bedroom upstairs - when I watch Noah and have to get him out of bed or put to bed - you can barely get to his crib. There are clothes everywhere. My son use to clean up but got tired of her following behind making a mess again. So some credit to him for trying. Now he just turns a 'blind' eye.
Today she had an altercation with my sister and posted it on facebook. But she only posted how bad my sister is. I then posted she needs to tell the whole story. That didn't go well with her. She immediately phoned me to tell me I don't know the whole story. I said that is why I posted she needs to tell the whole story. And she needs to stop trashing my sister, who has bent over backwards for them, on the world wide web. If it were me she would have been out on the streets months ago. Now she has removed me as a friend!!
My sister - she still thinks Alzheimer is something that proper eating can help. That if we find the right foods it will dissolve the plaque/tangles. I told her no - it is a death sentence. There is no cure. Still won't believe it.
For some reason I have very little patience today with my husband. His constant questions and repetition is driving me nuts. I lost it at the mall today (he wants to go everyday). He needs to use every bathroom he sees and announces loudly when he sees one that he has to "pee-pee" or "poo". No one needs to go to the bathroom that many times. Then when he came out of the first bathroom he said all he did was dribble and dance in the mirror. OMG!
I know others have it much worse with having to clean their LOs but today I couldn't take it. Grabbed his hand, like a little kid, and told him we were going home. He kept saying he was sorry but I just needed to go home. I just feel like crying or screaming today :(
Oh Deb, hang in there. At least he can still dance, lol! Screaming is good, I have done quite a bit of that lately. I go out in the car, turn on the radio and SCREAM! I feel much better after, then I go have a glass of wine :o)
Thanks for the understanding, you actually made me smile.
Your right he can still dance and does all the time. Doesn't matter where we are at--in the car, at home, the mall. He will snap his fingers and bop away to any music he hears. Sings too---can't hold a tune to save his life though.
deb i think i want to trade for a week???? singing and dancing and his only little quirk is peeing IN the BATHROOM??? i found the AD man of my dreams. :) i am sure you'd be happy to get him back after a week with mine, although he is quite lamby.....hehe.. Divvi
Felt like a complete fool this morning, couldn't get my husband to understand that we needed to finish the paper work after he pooped, after losing my patience, I threw the toilet paper on the floor....now really what good did that do? He looked at me like I had lost my mind...which at the time I thought I would. However, he did finally let me hand him the toilet paper. And come to think about it, I did feel a little better. What is the hardest part to me with dementia, is losing my patience when I know he can not help what he is doing or not doing.
losing my patience when i know "I CANNOT" help what he is doing or not doing- we call it acceptance - and we are not to blame for the things that are happening to our spouses. divvi
Deb, I must be married to his Siamese twin. Mine also has to go to the bathroom every where we go. How in god's name does anyone have to go so often. I even mentioned it to our doctor and he just ignored it. I hate it when we're at one end of the store and the bathroom's at the opposite end.
i may have a reason for that. my DH did that alot early on and we foundout after alot of invasive testing that the signals to the brain/bladder are short circuiting/spasming and cause the sensations of wanting to go all the time, and then they have nothing but the sensation and no urine to void. also enlarged prostate could be an issue and causes this too. you should check if they really are going or just standing doing nothing. it may give you a clue whats going on. divvi
divvi, I know what you go through is something I'm not looking forward to. I know I have it easy compared to a lot of others. When he does go, it is normally a normal urination. I pay attention to this because he had bladder cancer 5 years ago. Unlike a lot of the LOs, my husband drinks alot. He loves kool-aid and can drink almost a whole gallon in a day. Because he drinks so much of it, I have started to use sugar free kool-aid too (when he doesn't see me make it). I think he just likes to check out the different bathrooms.
This thread says, "VENTING". ..................AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGH!!!! There. now I feel like I can go get dressed and sneak out of the house. It's Saturday and no "health care workers" will "pop" over and report me for being outside. I need rest, I need to go see my parents....I need to see my daughter without her talking about needing money. I NEED MONEY!!! I need to sell some livestock, get tractor fixed.....THINK, stop watching so much television to "escape", I NEED SOME COMPANY THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH DISEASE AND CARETAKING!! I don't want to hear any more belching, farting, throat clearing, moaning, groaning or watch someone sleeping all of the time! I don't want him to ask me "where have YOU been?" AGAIN, TODAY!! WHERE ARE SOME HEALTHY PEOPLE TO TALK TO???? (I think I'll be better for a couple of hours now)
And, if anyone needs to vent and feels too embarrassed or sensitive to do it here, or feels like they'll be scrutinized, e-mail ME. I'll not only listen, I'll vent back.........we'll BOTH feel better and relieve the strain on EVERYone and on the threads here. I guess.
Well, hb hasn't driven our truck, van, or golf cart for some time. He does ride his bike, and told me this hot aft he was going to ride. I asked where he was going to ride. "Oh, the usual, around." I said, "I just want to know about where you'll be so if you don't return in a reasonable time, I can go looking for you." He laughed and left. An hour or so later, he phoned from Wal-Mart 7 miles away in town and said, "I need some help." He couldn't tell me what he'd gone there for. I, of course, reminded him he wasn't supposed to ride his bike to town. So I drove our pick-up in and let him load his bike, and we drove home. Proud of myself, I didn't say a word. How do you ground, restrict a grown man in w/a toddler mind? Guess I'll have to stay with him all the time. :(