My heart is broken. My husbands precious sister died suddenly last night. She was his only living sibling, his baby sister, and they were very close. She calls several times a week, (From SC to Tx). I adored her. I told him this morning as soon as I was called, and he said "Oh Noooooooooooo!"..but since then, in spite of the updates I'd give him re: the details, the memorial service, etc., he never commented. He is in his quiet mode today and I'm not sure he really understands she is gone.
The memorial services are early Tuesday morning. I was torn between making quick flight reservations and flying to SC for the services and coming back on Wednesday...or what to do. Brother In Law urged me not to come, since Foster had his TIA/Seizure/?? a week ago today. BIL worries that the stress of the momentwould be too much for DH to handle, along with too many strangers, no place to "sit and stand" in their small home following the services. But I don't know what to do. She was his little sister. What would you do? I feel it's all up to me. What will people think if we don't go. DH is her only living relative except for her husband and children.
Could you send a heartfelt letter to him which lays out why you can't come, but also how much she meant to both of you.. Maybe a memento, maybe get your husband to sign it too, and overnight it to him, and ask him to put it out at the (wake) (visitation) (whatever). I don't think I'd do it, Nancy. Actually, I just got a note that my SIL in California has gone to the hospital with possible heart problems. She's always worked like a fiend taking care of her husband, my husband's brother, who also has ALZ but not as bad as my husband. So I'm thinking what to do there too! But going out is not really an option.
I've spoken with BIL three times today, and also to their three children individually. They know and have urged me not to try to bring him...under any circumstances. Still, I feel so guilty about not taking DH ... if he realizes it later and asks why we didn't go to the funeral??... What if he suddenly realizes what has happened and wants to go tomorrow. He can't do for himself, needs help with everything...and if you remember my post last Sunday, he had this spell where he only slept, wouldn't eat or drink. The rational side of me leans one way...but my heart and soul wants to be there with my DH...so he can have closure. There will be no viewing. (She donated her body to University of SC School of Medicine, per papers signed 25 years ago..) I'm just so torn between what I should do.
write a nice eulogy letter that could be read by BIL at the service? from DH... under the circumtances everyone will understand completely. i wouldnt take on that journey either with your DH issues last week. just too much for him too soon. so sorry nancy, my condolences. divvi
So sorry you're going through this, Nancy. Traveling really messes my DH up. I think it would be risky for you to make the trip. Divvi's idea of writing a nice eulogy that could be read sounds like a good idea. {{{Hugs}}}}
I agree with the above. No way would I attempt to take my dh on a trip like that. It would be too hard on both of you. Your BIL has already said he understands and I think a letter is a great idea. I also wouldn't worry about what people think. I would think you were smart to not attempt. I think he may kind of forget about the whole thing and I would just let it go and not remind him any more. It might just upset him.
Good Luck and I am sorry for you having to go through this.
Nancy, I agree with Divvi as well...and Briegull and Dazed...the trip would be too hard on him. At his stage, though he loved her, it wouldn't be good for him...or for you. The eulogy letter is a great idea. I'm so sorry for your loss!
Nancy-we all agree that the trip would be a disaster. How would you feel if you did go and your husband had a "spell" and took the attention away from the service. The eulogy letter from both of you would be wonderful. Your husband will most likely not remember missing the service. So sorry for your loss.
Nancy B - I agree with the others. I've tried to take my DH on several outings in the last 2 weeks, and they were a complete nightmare. Even though my DH still functions fairly well, put him in a group setting and forget about it! I think writing a letter to be read at the service is an excellent idea. That way, your DH can participate without actually being there. Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss your beloved SIL. Take care and God Bless. You're in my thoughts and prayers! ~Di
We had something similar happen this last winter--Dh's sister died. Everything was local but between Dh's difficulties with groups of people, and the weather(snow, ice) and transportation issues, etc. we didn't go to any of the visitations or the funeral. I got materials and made personalized Sympathy Cards for each of her 3 children, his other sisters and his Step-Dad, and mailed them. I told him what was scheduled, what we were doing instead, and read the cards I made to him before we mailed them. He was a bit upset when the one sister (in from New Jersey) stopped to see us before leaving and he got onto not having gone to the funeral. I think though he was picking up on what he thought her expectations of what we did were rather than what we had decided was possible. I had comsulted with a sister living local as to how the entrance was shoveled, and how the roads were and she had said not to attempt it.
You do what you can. The family who matters understands, and they have told you not to come. They want you both as safe and well as you can be. Send a loving eulogy.
I would listen to your bil. He is being practical and thinking about you and your hb. That is very unselfish of him.
When my mom donated her body, about 6 months later we received her ashes. If that happens maybe he will be better and can make the trip, if not then do not worry about it.
I agree with the others - who cares what they think. The important ones are your bil and family and they understand.
I am sorry to hear about the loss of your SIL. Please accept my heartfelt condolences.
Just my opinion, but I agree with everyone else. Listen to your BIL. You'll only cause yourself more grief, anxiety, and stress if you try to make that trip with your husband.
My deepest condonlences Nancy to you and your husband. Life just isn't fair. I agree with all of the above. Maybe you and your husband could plant a tree or a little garden in her honor and let bil and family know. Arms around
My SIL told me NOT to try and bring DH on a trip when his baby brother died. DH didn't grasp it enough, and SIL was aware how travel, strange environments and activity would confuse and agitate him. I thanked her for her making the suggestion to me. She knew how much DH loved his baby bro. We sent flowers and a tribute letter to the memorial.
Several people have called us today and tried to express to Foster their sympathy for the loss of his sister. He thanks them, but has shown no emotion whatsoever. I talked about her passing at breakfast to be sure he "knew", and he understood, but still, he shows very little emotion. It is times like this when I am reminded just how far he has come on his personal AD journey.
Thank you all for your support and advice. I know that you are right, but my heart wants to be there - and with the family. But once again, I am reminded that it's not about me. I need to think of him. You are all correct. I have no idea how the trip would affect him and we need to consider her family first. Foster has always possessed such dignity and he would not want to be a distraction at his sister's funeral.
My older brother died yesterday. DH asked to go with me. We have to fly and rent a car and then drive two hours. DH is okay at home, but I am worried about the trip and the funeral. Time will tell. I really had no one to leave him with. Our kids work and have families and he needs someone with him 99 percent of the time.
maryd, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. We will all have you close in our thoughts as you go through the next few days. Stay safe, know you are cared for. Arms around, Susan
So sorry to learn the news of the loss of your sister in law. You mentioned she donated her body to science... this could be the avenue to use to answer why you are not going to a service. There won't be one for awhile for that reason. Then later, perhaps you can make a visit to the cemetery with him when things are quieter and place some flowers and have a bit of quiet reflective time.
Mimi, ..and everyone else. I was surprised when I saw this thread reopened. What a diffference the past year has been. When Jean died, I was so sad and torn...but no, we didn't go to the funeral. Foster NEVER mentioned her name again - whereas before, he enjoyed her phone calls once or twice a week and would smile and say, "I love my 'Tee-Tah"(Sister). He absolutely adored her. Who would have believed that April that he, too, would die within the year. He went to join his brother and sister in November. In the final days before he died, I'd remind him that his sister was waiting for him and to look for her. As he took his final breath, there was the briefest of smile that cross his face. Let's believe he saw her ... Heaven will never be the same with those three back together again.
Nancy, sounds like Heaven must be a hoppin' place now with the the 3 Musketeers together again. That makes me smile to think of family reunions in the after this life world when everyone will be whole and pain free again.
Mary, so sorry for your loss. Prayers for your safety and the well being of your husband. Nancy, thanks for the smiles....... hope you are doing well......