Yesterday, I had the most wonderful, sane, loving conversation with my husband in the hospital where he is, in Florida. Clear as a bell. My old buddy back. He apologized for saying mean things. So cooperative. Sound voice. Loving. Today, I've spent another day glued to the phone....hoping for a call from social workers, doctors. Did find out he is anemic, that is why he is in a room in the regular part of the hospital. He'll be back on the seniors ward in another day or two. I've been calling his room all day today and have had no answer. Finally got through to the nurses' station and they helped him answer my phone call to him. NOTHING BUT CUSSING, NAME CALLING, AND BITTERNESS THAT HE HASN'T HEARD FROM ME IN FOUR DAYS. This is incredible to me. My therapist (I just came home from my "women's issues" group) says I should disconnect. Accept the reality of this terrible disease and just get on with building a new life for myself. *sigh* I know he isn't going to get better. But, I took a vow. For better or worse. I told another member on this board that I've stayed in this marriage all these years for better or worse to prove to myself and my (now estranged) children that we are NOT a part of this "throw-away" world. I'm really going to try not to call anymore. Just see what happens. It should be interesting. His sister, who is involved in some of his caretaking there at his nursing home, has gone on vacation until May 5. I guess that's when I'll get a call wondering why he's still in Florida? I REALLY DO need to write a soap opera series. There's potential here, folks. Hey, really. With the popularity of the reality shows out there, this is a subject (living with Alzheimer's) that iS NOT addressed anywhere. Hey, I have no hollywood connections, but anyone who does, take the idea and RUN with it....directly to the bank! I'd bet half of everything I have that it would be a hit......think of the hundreds of thousands of people who are dealing with this disease! It would be a number one hit series.
We ALL end up disconnecting. Even those of us who are there to the bitter end, face to face in the same house, disconnect. The only way to survive is to disconnect.
As for the sister who will ask why he is still in Florida, the answer is that you cannot LEGALLY remove him from Florida. And that, pretty much, ought to be that.
I know you need to vent. A lot of the time I need to vent to. But truly, how are you doing when you aren't venting? Remember we all worry about you.
I'm glad you are going to whatever therapy group you can get to. I'm going to try to do some of that as well.
Starling......How am I doing when I'm NOT venting?? I'm utterly stuck in concrete boots. I can't get motivated, have no interest in what was most important in my life lately (my pony training and sculpture) and am glued to the telephone. Afraid to leave the house. Afraid to spend any money, go anywhere. All our assets are frozen because of the divorce action his daughters took him to persue and we owe THOUSANDS from 2006 and 2007. I don't have it. I worry all the time. I have lawyers. My parents pay my expenses. I'm embarrassed. I vent a lot here. I have no friends but you all here that would understand. I hate to be around anyone else that isn't in my shoes because I think I make them afraid or I'm a burden. Yes, I CAN talk about more than just my problems, but I don't have that outlet or opportunity. Thanks for listening, everyone. I LOVED, LOVE that man, even through all the S___ we've been through together. My "wise mind" tells me to just leave him alone. Let it be. It is what it is.
OK, good. Sounds like you are mostly functioning. Now walk away from that phone. <grin> Really, it is real pretty outside these days in almost all parts of the country. Get away from the phone and take a walk.
OK, so everything financial got frozen. How about your own personal funds? Those too? And what does your lawyer say about that?
You are right that no one outside this group really understands, but...
Most of my daughter's friends know someone with dementia. Most of them are related to someone with dementia.
A surprising number of my neighbors either are dealing with dementia or have dealt with it. Generally not with a spouse, but still they understand more than one would expect.
I keep finding myself face to face with people who DO understand.
Oh, one more thing. I just called the local Area Agency on Aging, and found myself dealing with a young woman who had made a specialty of finding odd and unusual ways around problems. She had some great and really strange ideas about things I could do about my husband, some of which I am going to be trying over the next few weeks. But she also unlocked my own creativity, and I've smashed through a couple of locked doors that I had locked myself. If you are over 60 consider calling for a caseworker assessment for your own situation. Who knows, maybe you will get a few doors unlocked.
Stuntgirl...listen to the therapist...get your act together and take care of yourself. No matter what you do...whether you take him home and "nurture" him or let him stay where he is he is not going to get better. He can't take care of you anymore...you have to take care of yourself. You honored your marriage vows.....you did your best. Now move on......
Get busy doing some work....sell some sculptures, train some ponies....get your self respect back. Call your lawyer and get the divorce moving along.....maybe that way you will get some money in the process.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but it is time to make a life for yourself.....there is a big wonderful world out there and you should be part of it.
I'm going to second Sandi about the divorce. Your case is totally different from that of most of us. Your husband's family started the divorce and have locked everything in place. All you are going to do is finish what they started. They have fixed it so you can't take care of him or even find out who is now legally responsible for doing that. Going forward with the divorce might just fix your situation.
I've been a legal secretary. I have this strange feeling that the judge who will hear this case might not be amused by your situation. I've seen judges do some very weird things when they aren't amused. Once, I got a hand written Order pulling just about everyone, including the company I was working for, out of a case. He didn't even wait for his clerk to type the thing out he was so angry.
Sandi is right. She is on the other side of this journey, and at one point found herself having to begin to put her life together. She is proof there is life on the other side of the journey, if you choose life.
I amgoing to a therapist as well. I have found that friends that we had, have pulled away leaving me with less support just when I need it. They just aren't comfortable with us and the AD- some of them are much younger. I have been told by my therapist and doctor - to get a life for myself. I thought that was - to completely and separate from him. But I have learned that it is simply getting out - exercising when I can, have joined Weight Watchers - it's a type of support group. I am with normal people under a structured setting. All I have to do is sit there and listen and it isn't about AD. I have started walking and have joined a walking club and they are training to walk in a 3K - whatever that is but I am going to do it too. All of these are little activities, but as simple as they are, they are helping me gain my sense of self and control of ME - which is what I need to make it to the finish line in this AD thing. I find the more I focus and live in the AD world, the less effective I become. Easier said than done, but I thought it might help. Of course this was after long talks from my doctor about my declining health because I am not taking care of myself. All of this isn't fun, but there are a lot of very creative folks on this website that have so much to offer - and it works. Hang in there.
I had no idea there were lots of people out there that were dealimg with this thing until I came to this site, and I'm so glad I did. I love walking too. It just seems to give me the boost I need when I'm down.