Does anyone know what I mean if I say "I would die for him, but I will not kill myself for him". My love for him is so great that if my death would make him well and whole again, I would do it in a heartbeat, but that will not happen and I am exhausted, emotionally and physically, and can not deal with this anymore, the constant vigilance, afraid to sleep, am in constant pain from my back. I must put plans for placement into place and follow through because I am killing myself and I will have died in vain because he will still end up in a nursing home. Hopefully placement will be best for both of us and our time together can be quality time instead of stressful time.
I was forced to place my dh quickly because of a fall I had and could not help him. I felt I still wanted to care for him but after seeing him in the nh, I realized I was suffering everyday with the mechanics of caregiving. He is clean, shaved, fed and healthy. He is happy. When I visit now, he is pleasant. He knows who I am but not much else. I "enjoy" my time with him. It was so constantly stressful before. The agitation, constant cleaning, incontenance and fighting to clean him. Now, someone else does this. I am hoping to move him closer to me so I can see him everyday-even if it's for 10 minutes. I feel free for the first time in 8 years and it is invigorating!!! If I didn't fall, I would still be trying to care for him at home but the time was right. I know I did the right thing and I will not take him home now. I don't believe I can care for him as well as they are. I always promised him the best care I could find him and now, it's not me. Good Luck.
Kathryn, sometimes "fate" steps in and forces us into addressing the situation at hand!!! I thnk this is what happened with you. My Daddy used to refer to "fate" as when someone gets a good "kick in the pants". I'm so glad you're getting rest, and when you're stronger, you will have time to find the perfect place for him. xoxo. Nancy
I hope you are better after your fall. I also have a bad back. I had two herniated discs and have degenerative arthritis in my spine. Sometimes it hurts so back I can't stand it. I've promised myself I will take care of DH at home as long as I am physically able to do it. At the rate this back is going and my eye sight getting worse, I don't know how long I could realistically care for him if he becomes incontinent or needs more hands on care.
I'm hanging :) It's 2 a.m. here on the Pacific coast. Where are you and what time is it? You should get to sleep! :) You probably have a big day tomorrow. ha ha
I am in WV and it is 5 a.m. Once I get woke up I don't go back to sleep - usually. So, I figure I will be "computin" until daylight and then I will maybe be ready to go back to sleep. We are getting lazier and usually don't get up until 8 or 9. This morning I do have my weekly personal day. My lady will be here at 8:30 so I aim to have DH dressed and ready for her by 8 and get an early start. Daughter is bringing him breakfast from Mc this morning so that keeps him pretty happy for a while, and from "fretting" so much.
No plans anymore. Just start with the drive thru at Mc and do the usual Mall, Lowe's and other stores and browse. Just getting out by myself in the car is a great treat.
I feel bad for you that you have the macular degeneration and can't drive anymore. You are pretty isolated but you have a good attitude about your situation. I have a friend with MD and she has been a pianist all her life, most of it playing for a quartette. She plays by ear so she is still able to play at Church but the quartette has disbanded because they are all aged. Her DH has to hold to her when they are out of the house because she cannot see well enough to be on her own. I cannot imagine you doing the airports and your trip all with a AD husband in tow.
This Disease does not require that we die for our loved one, it requires that we live for them. In other word we are sacraficing our lives, putting them on hold so that we may devote ourselves to their happiness and care. The trick is not to give so much that we have nothing left of ourself that we can survive.
"I would die for him, but I will not kill myself for him".
Not only do I understand what you are saying, I think you said it beautifully! This is the same place I found myself in when my doctor told me I would not live the year if I kept Lynn at home. I would gladly take a bullet for him. I would risk my life to save him from a burning building. But, Alzheimer's, this I can not save him from.
I thought if I just loved him enough, I could meet AD toe to toe every round. I tried, but I failed. I am not putting myself down for that failure. I use to. But now I stand proud knowing I did my level best, for as long as I could. I now look upon placing Lynn as the most loving thing I could have done for him. I love him enough to want him to have the best care possible. I am but one person, I just can't do it alone. Every smart commander knows when it is time to call in more troops, call for back up. It took me almost killing myself before I admitted I needed help. I waited at least two years longer than I should have.
You do not have to kill yourself to prove you love your husband. Someone said to me, try to think of Lynn before AD... what would he have wanted then? Would he have wanted you killing yourself trying to care for him? The answer was simple, he would have insisted I place him! He would be devastated if he knew the hell I tried to endure. I am sure ((ehamilton)) your husband would feel much the same way.
Don't sacrifice yourself to Alzheimer's... it claims enough victims. *sigh Wishing you peace in this journey. ((hugs)) Nikki
I have noticed that so many of us are suffering from back problems. I have a 4:00 appointment this afternoon for therapy for this back of MINE! I wonder if the back problems are from old age, osteoarthritis, or if there is a valid concern that they are caused by the extra stress we have piled onto our nervous system (which orginates from our spinal nerve) and the simple tasks we do every day for our LO's. I know that since my back problems began a few weeks back, I notice that it hurts when I twist around in the carseat to fasten his seat belt into the catch, when I give him my hand as a brace to pull up from his chair, or raise up from the car seat when he is getting out. Before, I didn't feel it as much, but every time I do that now, I feel that (ouch) tug in my back. Who knew?
stress kills -i am sure its capable of producing body aches. i hurt mine originally carrying heavy boxes. i throw it out off/on with household chores...then having to use myself as leverage for DH when he stands or misses a step.. it all adds up. divvi
Thanks for all the input. I too had noticed how many of us have back trouble. I fell on the ice 3 years ago and really messed mine up but I can also tell that a lot of the pain is stress. I even told my doctor that I have pretty well learned to assess mine. If stress, I take a Xanax, if physical take a Vicodin. Not too much of either too often, so I am often in pain but I don't want an addiction on top of everything else. shadowbaby, I have 3 daughters and a step-son, all grown, all supportive but also busy with their own jobs and families (have 11 grandchildren). When my stepson was here visiting at Thanksgiving I had had a really bad week with very little sleep. I cried a lot, ended up arguing with my stepson because he was encouraging me to place his father. He finally told me to "stop thinking like a woman, you are thinking with your heart instead of your head, you will both be better off if you do it." It made me very angry at the time but I am beginning to think he might have been on the right track.
ehamilton, I just fired off that without knowing you, but yes, I get what you meant. What your stepson said was probably out of frustration but what the heck? If your're " thinking like a woman" it might be cause you are. That's enough said by me.
ehamilton, The best you can do for your husband is to keep yourself healthy. That way you can love him and somehow, he will know that you are taking care of you as well as him!!! Caring for our loved ones sometimes means making the hardest decisions. ((((((((((hugs))))))))) surround you now. Sue
I keep thinking about Marsh's arrangements. He is living in a lovely place, with his wife, but help is (what?) 100 yards away at all times. If she has need for nursing care for a period of time he can (basicallY) send her down the walkway and be within walking distance of her until she is better. I am inspired by his living arrangement and will actively search for a similar property our area. It is 1,000 times better than the situation Kathryn is in. Driving an hour plus on I-95 each way to see her sweetie.
We get all kinds of ideas and inspirations from one another, intentionally or by accident, on this site. If you have Googled his property in Maine, you'll understand.
I googled the site and it is indeed lovely. Perfect solution for those who can afford it. Actually when you factor in the expenses you won't have by owning your own place it just might be affordable. Wouldn't it be nice to not worry about upkeep of a house any more---
looks like a great place but too cold for us southerners. just gorgeous marsh you are lucky! divvi doneit, i believe you are right, its probably cheaper after all said and done. no upkeep, maintenance, pool, lawns, electric. wow. and MEALS!
I missed something. What kind of place is Marshs? Is it assisted living? We have an assisted living place in town for alzheimers-1st on in Ct by this NY company. It is lovely but at $5500 per month, it was too expensive. I still live in our home with a mortgage and all. I would love to google Marshs' place. Anyone???
Kathryn, the rentals begin somewhere in the upper 3000's. I think he said $3800/mo. A one bedroom with Living room, kitchen,etc. I do believe if those of us factored in our mortgages (we still have one), insurance, taxes, utilities, upkeep, a nice meal every evening, activities, it would come in pretty close to the cost of these properties. I believe I read that it has Independent Living and Assisted Living. I would love the area - with the sea and the history - but it would be waaaay to far away from family for us. It's just a great option..and worth thinking about.
Someone said to me-do you think he was so agitated because he "knew" he didn't want you to put up with "him"? He was such a caregiver (firefighter) all his life that he never wanted to be a burden on anyone. I've thought about this. I don't know. He always had what my sister called "angel kisses'. Times when he was more focuses and "aware" of things. It is very possible that he was aware about how difficult things were for me at times. He would cry and I felt it was because for that brief moment that he knew what was happening. Such courage!!! I do think that we wait too long to place them. Most of us are burned out before we are "forced" to place them. I was pushed before I was burned out but I realize now that he is far better off in the nh. I am not able to get there this week. I did go Sat and Sun (traffic not so horrible). My sister went with me and was quite impressed with the way he was cared for. I think I need to knock on wood because when I say things like this, they usually turn around and bite me. I will be tied up till Sat with dr appts for Dad through Fri. There is no metal given for burning out to care for our lo. No one should feel guilty. It is out of love that we place their needs before ours.