As you know I've beeen trying to find a way to bring my husband back to Virginia from nursing home in Florida. (a lot of you know that long greivous story). I've been very frustrated. Even took your advice and contacted some lawyers in FL. No help....they tell me the same things my own lawyers say. It seems that no one will tell me who has busbands POA. To remove him from the home where he is now, I have to have POA. They won't release him to me, anyway, to go home because they say it's an "unsafe discharge" because apparently he still needs some other types of therapy. If I agree to place him in a home near me, ten minutes away, to complete his treatments, I HAVE TO HAVE HIS POA. It makes no sense to me that no one will tell me who has it...the people at the nursing home say that that is confidential information. Meanwhile, as hard as I'm working to make things happen, I called my husband today to see how he was doing. He was 'over the edge' aggitated. Told me he couldn't move his legs, hadn't eaten today, can't get out of bed, needs to go to the bathroom, can't find the nurse call button, no one will help him, etc. I called the nurse's station and told them he was having problems and asked them to assist, please. Called him back in his room to let him know they were on their way to help. Yep, as soon as someone came to his assistance he began cursing and yelling, told me he wanted ME to come help him. I explained I was too far away and he has to allow others to help him right now. Then I'd say he actually became VIOLENT in his speech to me, calling me every ugly name in the godless world, said he knew what I was doing right now (just guess), said he hated me, never loved me and wants me to go marry "that guy" (?). In his raging, I could hear his helper pleading with him to cooperate....think she gave up and left him in his slop. He accussed me of so many ugly things that have never happened....even a new imagining today. It was absolutely disgusting, I allmost threw up. I'm trying so hard to conquer this deep depression I'm in. Yes, I'm getting help through a program called Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. Trying to develop that "Teflon Skin", overlapping my Rational mind with my Emotional mind...that space between, where they meet is called "the Wise Mind". Today, my Wise Mind whispered, "just leave him alone where he is. You can't help and he doesn't know what he's doing. Stop trying, you can't handle this ."I told my therapist about this revelation and she said it was the wisest thing she's heard me say about all of this. Asked me to promise not to call John for a week. Do you think, that because all of the inhibitions have fallen away because of this disease, that when he spews this foul stuff he really means it? He said he hated me and never loved me. Asked me never to talk to him ever again. Hung up the phone over and over. Maybe that's the way he's always felt, just never had the guts to tell me like it is....you know, my marriage was never a sweet rose garden. It was difficult. So, I'm thinking, just leave him there for his sister to worry about. I can't take much more of this for my own sanity's sake. Lately, he's gotten a lot more offencive and violent in his conversation (if you could call it that). What a painful day I've had. The more I think about it, the more I want to just lay down the sword. Look after myself. YES, find that male friend I'm suppossed to be having so much fun with anyway. I don't even have GIRLfriends. Just a bunch of animals. Where are his ideas coming from. Is it this way for many of you? I'm scared of him and don't know if I really do want him in my life anymore. But, I feel like a bad person. I think I should give this fight up. I can't even get the lawyers together (his and mine) to quit this divorce suit that the children brought against me. I thought I believed in "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health." This is the worst its been....I'm giving up. I'm tired of him making me feel embarrassed, and good for nothing. Someone tells you you're stupid long enough and you'll believe it. So......is this just the way it ends? I've asked his careproviders to consider medications but I have no say....they won't talk to me about his health because I'm not the person who put him there. I have no rights to my own hussband's health. I don't wanna bother anymore. Figure his sisster will call me when the end is near. Maybe.
Stuntgirl, it is indeed painful to hear how the reality of the situation is in fact. you have answered your own thoughts in your post above. acceptance and your moving on with your life is most likely the best suggestions you have given yourself. i hope you find the answers that give you peace. divvi
His mind is DISEASED, he can't and never will think or feel the way he use to about anything. With this disease, the caregivers always have to go through a total emotional break from the LO in order to save theirself, and their sanity if their love turns to hate (only because of the disease, without the disease he would still love and feel as he did before). You have to let go of the "in love" part of your relationship with him, and accept all you can do now is love your memories with him before the disease. He would not want you to be going through what he is putting you through, so for him you should let him go. Let his family help him now, accept that your responsibility towards him is now done. God bless you and good luck. You need not feel any guilt at all, you did the best you could for him in this bad situation.
i totally agree, let him go and let his sister care for him, i will pray for you to find your peace of mind, do not feel guilty, it sounds like it is now out of your hands, now put your hands out and let us hold on to you, god bless you
I think you hav found your answer. Let go....take care of yourself now. You still have a life, so find it and move on. I know this is hard for you, probably the most difficult thing you have ever had to do. My thoughts, prayers and arms around you.
Stuntgirl...My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you find some peace in your heart and mind. You are so young and I am hoping that when all of this is over that you will find that life is good.
Stuntgirl--you really are a good person. You know that, don't you? It is very important that you take care of yourself now and get centered, get focused. You cannot take care of him in his condition because you need to take care of yourself first.
You are truly in my prayers. I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Your Wise Mind has the right answer, I think; and you found it yourself because you are wise and good. You've struggled long and hard; now take deep breaths, relax, talk to the animals and begin a new journey forward. He's safe and you are, too. Prayers and hugs are with you.
Listen to your "Wise Mind", that appears to be the answer you were looking for. I hope you will take some time to regroup and reorganize your life. You have been through a terrible ordeal, take care of yourself first.
As hard as it sounds, as hard as it is, yes, you need to give up this fight and start saving yourself.
You have fought the good fight just trying to find out what is actually going on. Now it is time to make sure YOU survive. It is time to choose life.
That is a very hard choice. I'm in the process of making that choice myself. Somehow I'm going to get my husband into a day program at least once a week, because I need to get some of my own life back if I'm going to survive. Join me in choosing life.
Everyone has said it. Go forward with peace of mind knowing that this is not the man you married but a diseased person who cannot help what he says. If there were any good memories, focus on them. Let it go. If the divorce goes through, so be it. If his family is fighting so hard to keep him, let them. Focus on healing, doing things that are "fun" even if that means just taking a good long walk. Eventually, you will begin to have your own life. Legally, there is nothing more that you can do. Call once a week to the nurses station to check on him. Otherwise, I would not call him. It's obvious his words hurt you- even though there is not any truth to them. This phase will pass and maybe at some point you will be able to talk to "him". Have faith that his family has appropiately placed him and believe he is being cared for. Go in peace. Let it go.
What I understand Jan's most pressing problem is that when the family took over his care in Florida, they essentially made arrangements to freeze all of their joint acounts, cancel the plans he had put into place to care for her financially and to put the "cherry on the top", they (????) filed divorce papers on his behalf. His son in Florida is an attorney. She has been left high and dry without a bank account. So, we're looking at two situations. Jan believes if she gets him back to Virginia, she will be able to negate the changes created by her step-son. He has apparently obtained guardianship for his father and is overseeing is financial affairs. The first thing he was able to do was to remove Jan from all matters pertaining to his father's money.
Jan had called the police when her husband became extremely violent one night. She was afraid to let him come home the next day and so they put him in a psyche ward until the Florida family came after him and took him there. Apparently, as Jan said, this is what upset the doctor's son (who is an attorney). I believe he is the one she needs to negotiate with. Doesn't it stand to reason that it would be this particular son who has stepped in and taken over his father's affairs? I feel so sorry for you, Jan. I think you should just appeal to the court to award you spousal support that a divorce would entitle you to after 25 years of marriage. The divorce may be the best thing for you!
Right on all accounts. I don't see how anything they've done could possibly be legal, in that their dad just isnt "right" in his mind. I believe they just pushed papers in front of him and he signed them, not understanding what they were or the consequences of his actions. When all of this is through the mill, I intend to launch a tremendous law suit against his family members. Jen
Keep in mind if you do get a divorce, the judge will award you spousal support or a division of the marital assets. It might be the easiest thing for you right NOW! It's easier than fighting..and if you go along with it, it just might surprise the step children. The judge will take away the control the step son has. He will demand an audit of the marital assets, the step son attorney will be forced by law to provide them to the judge. Don't tell the Florida family what you are doing...and tip your hand. You're trying to fight a tsunami here. Best for you if you just go along with them. You can STILL love him and eventually bring him back if it works out that way...but in the meantime, you'll have what is rightfully yours.
I need a true partner over here. Phranque, how good are you at spreading manure? Stacking hay? Turd mining (cleaning out stalls)? Got any money? Horses eat a lot! And, I need my house cleaned. I've not been taking off my boots lately.
Stuntgirl, I see a sense of humor in you. Makes me feel good. And Phranque...How do you like them apples. I need some smiles today. It's been a very long day. I love you all.
no no no, Jen.... Plan on hiring a stable boy... You and Phranque both need breaks...and you two could just sit outside, drink good wine and enjoy the moment!!
What's the old Texas saying, "Smart Cattlemen don't work the Breeding Stock and don't breed the Working Stock".. Good advice.
I don't have a stable boy or a pool boy, but I'll sit and drink wine with anyone who want to. I have 4 rocking chairs on my front porch and lots of wine!
spreading manure? Stacking hay? Turd mining ......Hmmm seems that I am an expert on this....my dw spreads manure over me all the time, hay stacking (haven't rolled in the hay for years), turd mining...well I get pooped on a lot...sounds like I am qualified... But I think Virginia is for lovers...so I am disqualified .... By the way, stuntgirl, does your dh know who has the poa?? he can revoke that anytime...
Phranque, you're SO FUNNY! Thanks. Yes, Virginia IS for lovers. You make me smile. I wish this little community here actually lived close to me. This is Sunday afternoon and I've done all I can stand, physically, had all I can take emotionally and think I'll just go take a bath and put on a big old T-shirt and lie around and watch a movie. Should be a day of rest, right? Making my Plan of Attack for tomorrow. Bills need to be paid. Junk to the landfill. Laundry. That should keep me up for a while. WISH YOU ALL COULD COME OVER FOR A BEER OR SOME WINE.....I have a little Wild Turkey, too. Stay for a while after dark and we'll have a bonfire in the firepit! Bar-b-que! MY GOD, I miss doin' that stuff with someone.