I had my conference with the Caseworker and the Physical Therapy people at the stroke rehab center this morning. The Caseworker and three of the Physical Therapists talked with me. Individually they all came to the same conclusion, DW needs 24 hour care, her lack of balance is big issue and she is at a high risk for fall. She has no awareness of what precautions she needs to take for her own safety, she doesn't realize that she is a danger to herslf, she is very implusive and will not follow instructions, she is memory impaired and would be unable to care for herself, cooking is out of the question and she cannot be left alone. Their evaluation of her situation is the same as her son, daughter and I had reached on our own.
So it looks like I am faced with the issue of having to place DW in a nursing facility and will have to find a place for her within the next two weeks, thank goodness for a little advance notice. This is a decision that we knew we were going to have to make in the very near future. This is going to be very difficult for all of us but we have reached the point where none of us can take care of her anymore so it is time to turn the caregiving over to others. I have weighed the pros and cons of all of these questions this morning and thought of some of you who have been put in a similar position over the past few weeks and have decided there may not be any other way to handle this situation.
We will have to make a final decision, but I think we have already made up our minds.
Dear Jimmy: One of the most heartwrenching decisions I ever made was to place DH, and in hindsight, I realize, like most others, that I waited too long. However, we were fortunate in that he adjusted after a while, our visits were easier, and it was the best place for him because of all the interaction he had with others, the activity--everything that an at-home family does not have the time and skills to provide without all the emotiional turmoil. Yes, it is important that it be a good facility, most are good, but you have to keep track, make your presence known, get personally aquainted w/staff, bring them little goodies--donuts, candy, etc. If there is any abuse or neglect, you'll find out soon enough, but mostly it is the best thing for everyone. I am sorry you have reached this place, but you are doing the best thing.
Jimmy - sorry you have to make this decision. Is there a social worker at the rehab center? When my husband was in the psych ward, I worked with the social worker to find the right facility for my husband. She was a godsend with all of her knowledge.
There are several threads on this site that talk about some of the do's and don'ts when it comes to a facility. Bettyhere is right, you do need to plan on making presence known. I go to see him at various times so that they never know when I will be there. If you plan on going to see her every day, you do want to find a facility that is within a comfortable driving range for you. The farther away, the harder it is go get there to see them especially when you add in inclement weather, illness, your own doctors appointments and stuff.
My husband has been in three different places and all three of them were very good about letting me know what he would need and what he could and could not have with him.
jimmy-tough times. Don't let a beautiful dining room and othe bling influence you. As others have said-visit unannounced rather than on a planned tour. Listen to how the staff speak to the residents and how they speak about the residents to each other. I remember doing chart audits for home care. The aides were concerned because Mr. B didn't finish his pudding and that he usuallly did-was he ill? That facility got a gold star from me that day.
jimmy, hard decision to put dw in a home, yes remember to do unanounced visits, i go when it is sometimes very busy to see how things are going, from experence i know our nh is a good one had in-laws there living, my dh is having a hard time eating so if he doesn`t eat well they make sure he gets something a little later on and give him lots of protein shakes, also interact with him.
Jimmy, I have no words of advice as I have not entered this leg of my journey. I know that you will make the right and the best decision so just take a deep breath and do not second quess yourself. It is strange that as strong as we are in what we have to do each day, when the time comes for the placement decisions, we start to doubt ourselves and our decision making abilities. Go with what you know. She has been very blessed to have you as her husband and care giver. You are in my prayers. Phyllis
Lois, you are so right! I can't give advice either, since we aren't ready for placement. We're getting close, but not there yet. I have to have 24 hour care, but I have it in my home. I have the evening/night shift and some nights are better than others, but financially, this is what we are having to do.
Jimmy, I'm sorry that you have reached this point with your DW. Thankfully, I was able to keep Claude home until the end with the help of Hospice.
About 12 years ago, Claude brother and his wife were in a nursing home about 300 miles from us. He had dementia. As Claude was his only living blood relative, we took over his care/finances and moved him into a nursing home in our town when she passed away.
There were only two facilities in our town and only one had an opening. Thankfully, it was a nice place with a good staff, facilities, clean, no urine odor when you walk in, etc. Like the others said, you have to make your presence known, come at different times of the day, get to know the employees and patients and see how both are treated. If the employees are not treated well by management, they don't treat the patients well. We used to visit daily or every other day; they never knew when we would come. We were quick to praise when things were going well and also quick to report things that needed changing, i.e. little supervision of staff on weekends and some of them sat, talked and drank coffee and the patients were not being cared for.
About a year later, the facility was sold and under new management. The place started going downhill rapidly, patients not being cared for properly, so we moved him. If we hadn't been involved with his care, we probably wouldn't have noticed things early.
Sorry I rambled on - I have a tendency to do that when I get started!!!!
((Jimmy)) Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as you travel this most difficult road. I placed Lynn on Feb 17th... it is still so hard. As others have said, in hindsight, I can see I waited entirely too long. I hope others can learn from those who have gone before them. Such a horrible choice to be faced with. It boiled down to, I loved him enough to admit I was not able to give him the care he needed any more. Try to remember that, you love her enough, that you want the best care for her. ((Hugs))
Know that we are here to help you through your adjustment period. Much love, Nikki