As many of you know, I'm bound and determined to bring my husband home from a nursing home in FL here to VA very soon. He's through with all they can do for him there as far as physical therapy after an injury. I have the cooperation of his sister on alll this, finally. The thing is, his attorney is IGNORING his requests to quit the divorce proceedings. Okay, we'll just pay him a visit the day after we get home, right? My attorney can't seem to get an answer from him, either. The BIG thing I'm concerned about is that no one is disclosing who it is that has power of attorney for my husband. My sister in law says I don't need it. The hospital administrator says that I can be arrested for kidnapping (ultimately) if I TAKE John from the facility. The sister in law says I'm stupid, my lawyer is stupid and I have no need for POA. As a matter of fact, she says that if I had him sign the notarized document , it wouldn't be legal in a court of law because of his stage of Alzheimers. !!!!????? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???? THEY'VE HAD HIM CHANGE HIS WILL, I'M LOCKED OUT OF HIS ACCOUNTS, THEY'VE CHANGED THE ASSIGNMENT OF BENEFICIARIES INTO ALL OF THEIR NAMES ON AN ANNUITY HE OWNS. Whats going on here? Isn't it IMPERATIVE that I have POA?????
Stuntgirl, you really need to find a really good, aggressive attorney to represent you. There are too many loose ends here and you surely do not want to bring him home until they are all in place and you know what your rights are. Find that good attorney today - either where you live, or down in Fl. Good luck.
Stuntgirl, I would not trust these relatives for a minute. Maybe it is just me, but I have a feeling they are setting you up. I would not make a move until you have proper authorization and have funds in place to take care of your husband if he does come home. Best of luck....
Stuntgirl...Stop, take a deep breath, and cool it for awhile. I, to, have a feeling you are being set up. A lot of things are not adding up and until you know what is going on you need to do nothing. Time has a way of taking care of things and in your present state of mind you cannot see or understand what is going on. So take some time off of thinking about this problem and spend some time outdoors with mother nature. You can come back later with a fresh mind and may be able to come up with a solution. You are in my thoughts and prayers and a lot of us really care about you and wish we had a magic wand to wave and make this problem go away.
1. I have no power of attorney anymore, don't know who has it. 2. The nursing home now says that yes, I could come to take him home, but it would be considered an "unsafe release".
3. because the nursing home says he still needs some care that I can't give him right now....that in another 30 days (that's all Medicare will pay for) maybe they can teach me how to do things for him and he will be stronger. Also needs medications adjusted to control his agressiveness.....I think he's just angry becasue no one is there who cares for him. Won't get up and do things, etc.
4. They want me to find the nursing home he'll be taken to around here and set up things, records exchange, etc. and they want him going DIRECTLY to the home from the plane....no stopping at home or anywhere else.
5. I have a lot of business to take care of while he's in my hands. I need his help to fire his lawyer about this divorce suit, put my name back on his annuity, transfer the rest of his funds from his IRA to my account, rewrite his will , etc.
Sooooo....should I make arrangements with the nursing home nearby here for a transfer and when I get here, call them and tell them it will be a couple of days before he's there?
The nursing home where he actually told me that they could call the police and they could arrive at my doorstep with social workers and take him away from me physically. This is rediculous. And, what happenss when Medicare stops paying? There are no funds for paying for a nursing home. I'm so lost. Just stayed in bed all day again. Feet in cement.
I am really worried about your situation. I think you should have a good lawyer and go over all these questions with him. He can best advise you to avoid unforseen problems - and I invision a lot of them. Good Luck
Stuntgirl....you have no say in what is going on. You do not have POA....other people can tell you what you may or may not do. I know this sounds ridiculous to you, but that is the way it is. If you do bring him to a NH home in your area, believe me they will make sure there are funds available (and they will ask for proof) to pay for his care before they will accept him as a resident.
Do yourself a favor and make no moves until you have legal advice.....you could end up in jail with a kidnapping charge.....
I was wondering how the family had all of his legal papers changed if he has dementia and without notifying you of the change since you were his next of kin. This sounds like it was done illegally, and I would call the florida bar association to find out if this can happen without your consent. Call the Fla. Bar Association in the county this happened in. I used the Florida Bar Association to obtain money owed to me from a lawsuit, my lawyer would not give me my money, and they got it for me, I did not have to pay anything. Good luck.
Actually, it just hit me that joyce just gave you the best idea of all. Call the Florida Bar Association, explain your situation to them (can't locate the POA and no one will tell you who has it, the divorce stuff, the change of Will without notice to you, AND his dementia) and ask them for legal aid.
My local neighborhood group got almost free legal services for my neighbor who needed to be placed in an ALS. They explained her situation (house going into foreclosure and her medical situation) and a volunteer ended up taking care of her legal issues. The result was a clean placement in a place where she can live partially independently with safety.
This is all so painful. I have been getting good advice from all of you, but I'm watching him waste away there, getting more and more forlorn. We talk several times a day and all he wants to know is what I've found out about when he's coming home. When I have no information, he gets very sad and cries and tells me he's no good for me and he wants me to find someone else. I want to call the nursing home today and tell them that , okay, call it an unsafe discharge. I'm bringing my husband home with me on such and such a date. I plan to have him in to see his neurologist immediately, set up physical therapy, all that has to be done when we come home. I WOULD'T just bring him home and prop him up in a chair, for goodness sakes, and leave him there all day. And still be working on the legal stuff in the meantime. I'm freaking out about the cost of nursing home care, too. The kids didn't understand how I was in the process of protecting what little funds we had. They thought I was being greedy, trying to place everything in my name....a step in prequalifying him for Medicaid. If they take his IRA, of which little remains) and get into the annuity, I'll have nothing to live on. Just a house, some land and livestock and automobiles that I understand they can't touch. I'll loose everything, anyway. How do you all do it, or is everyone here well-heeled enough to afford that kind of care???? I feel like such a looser. Why couldn't I have forseen this...for years, he's been acting irresponsible with our money and other issues. I'm gettting desperate to have a little bit of him back before it all (what is him) disappears all together. It's happening so fast. I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know I can't afford more lawyers. I think, what's the worst that can happen? I get arrestsed? I think the neighbors will understand.....and if I can't take care of him, which I doubt will happen, at least he'll know I tried to have him back home and he is wanted. He swears no one cares about him.
As Starling said, you need to contact the Florida Bar Association and see if you might qualify for almost free legal services in Florida. I really think you should follow her advice and the advice of others. Without the legal papers, your hands are tied.
Jen, if you’ll forgive, me I’m going to suggest that you try looking at your situation like an engineer might. Aren’t there really two separate issues you’re dealing with here –
your own financial security on the one hand,
and a lingering emotional attachment to the husband you used to have back in the good years of your marriage on the other hand?
If, in fact, your husband’s family have taken advantage of his demented condition to make financial arrangements favorable to them and unfavorable to you, then, as others have suggested, perhaps that’s something that the Florida Bar Association might be able to sort out, fairly, and without much expense or needed involvement on your part.
With regard to the second issue of your lingering emotional attachment to your husband, I think you should have plenty of evidence by now that the husband you had back in the good years of your marriage no longer exists. The man who now calls you repeatedly from Florida, sometimes accusing you of awful things and other times pleading for you to take him back “home”, is no longer that husband -- he’s a pitiable creature, crippled by a heartless disease, and there’s no changing that no matter how hard you try: these things don’t get better, they only get worse. Your husband isn’t coming back no matter how much you want him to, and continuing to invest yourself emotionally into his care isn’t realistically going to make him any happier and is only going to continue to drag you down.
If you could accept that this is where you are, the engineer would then ask, “So where do we go from here?” Well, I’d say you really need to begin trying to move on with your life, investing your emotions and energy in things that look toward the future instead of clinging to and obsessing with the past. At your age, and with your obvious good looks and talents, and your interests in horsemanship and art, you potentially have many good years in front of you still.
So how about putting all of this worry and frustration aside for a little while and going back into your polymer studio and throwing yourself into sculpting something really good, representing a theme like rebirth or new future or something of the sort that all of us spouses desperately need to believe in?
Stuntgirl, you know what you need to do, it just sounds like you are finding all of this a bit overwhelming. Step back, think it through and write down the steps (in order that they need to be done) and then start working your way through it. You will probably find that you have already laid the groundwork for a lot of this.
1. Legal control of your husband and monies. POA but should you also think about Conservatorship or Guardian? What are the pros and cons of that? 2. Stop divorce proceedings. 3. Determine which nursing home(s) are a good choice for him and find out what it will take to get him transferred directly there. He should not have that stop at your home. All lawyers and others can meet you there if they need to see him too. 4. Put together documentation required by facility to make it legal. 5. Transfer process.
There are steps under each of the items but you do need to start somewhere.
Now, if you are venting to lose some of the fear, keep doing that we'll "listen/read".
My step-children started conservatorship proceedings to try and take control of my husband a year and a half ago. It was a very scary time in my life. I felt like they were trying to rob me of half my life and steal the love of my life. The funny part was I have no problem if I spend down all of his IRA in his care (I am the beneficiary), however I had a very hard time even thinking that there was a possibility that they would control it. They eventually stopped the proceedings after my lawyer had a discussion with their lawyer and explained that there was no justification for a conservatorship.