As some of you know, last Thurs I had to quickly place my dh in a nursing home. I saw him today for the first time and he seemed so happy and "well". He was laughing and knew my voice(no longer can "see) and I told him I brought his Dad to visit. He said "hi John" ( his dad is named Gene). At any rate, he was clean, shaved, in a wheelchair eith a belt ( he fell the first 15 minutes after I left and got a 3" cut on his forhead). The nurse was standing next to him (he is mobile) and turned around to get a fax off the machine when dh fell. He fell 3-4x home with me last week). He ended up with a trip to the hosp for stitches. Other than this incident, I am pleased with his care. He is well fed, the meals are terriffic and he is happy. My biggest complaint is that it takes me an hour to get there and coming home, I hit terriffic traffic. It can be bumper to bumper for miles. The highway is slated for major construction to begin soon which will add to my long trip. I want to try to place him closer to home (there are 2 homes closer that I would like him to go to). My problem is, someone told me the longer it takes for a bed to open in one of the other homes , the more problems I could have with him. Theory is, he will bond with these aides and know their voices. They will become his buddy and I don't want him to suffer any more confusion. What should I do??
Kathryn, I have no idea which is better. We're not to that point as yet. I know that you want to take the best care of him. Could you just visit two or three times a week and go and come when it isn't work-related traffic jams, or go in the morning, returning home at 2 in the afternoon? If you like the place, and you change him and find you (or he) doesn't like the new place, you would double your problem. I'm just throwing out some things to think about. If the travel is the only problem, I personally would try to find a way around the traffic and keep him where he is happy. It doesn't always happen. But that's me. YOU have to do what is best in your situation. Others may have better choices - and advice. It isn't easy having to make these decisions.
Kathryn-with no vision your poor husband would have to start all over again. You seem to like the place. Would your husband even be aware if you only visited several times a week at off peak traffic times. When I leave my husband I just say I'm going out for a while and will be back soon. It satisfies him as he has no concept of time.
i would also leave him if hes happy there for the time being and work out a visiting at off hrs. if/when he gets to the point where he doesnt know his surroundings later, then you may consider a move. i am like mary, i would sacrifice the drive for his happiness and comfort for now. divvi
Kathryn, I can understand where you are coming from. My DH is 30 minutes from home (one way). As I do not like to drive and most of what I do drive is within 15-20 minutes - 30 minutes one way seems like a lot.
It is good that he is happy where he is and you should consider keeping him there if it is working out well - you don't know how well things will work if he goes someplace different. However, I have moved my husband 3 times and was very surprised with how well he made the adjustment each time - he adjusted faster than I did.
You need to assess the situation with a what is right for him and what you can live with attitude. With this question there really isn't a right or wrong. My husband got very aggressive and this limited the number of places that would even consider taking him.
Thanks to all of you. I will visit him tomorrow and go as early as possible. I hope to be home by early afternoon so I'll continue to think about this. I am so grateful for all of your imput. It's good to hear both sides and I am also thinking that he did ok in Jan when I had him hospitalized for 11 days, then came home. I do the same thing you do bluedaze-when I leave I tell him I'm going out for a few minutes and he doesn't have any concept of time. Oh my, what to do? What to do??????????????????? I'll let you all know how things go tomorrow. Thanks again.
Kathryn, I agree, are you able to change your daily routine? It probably won't matter to him what time you come. You could also try every other day and call inbetween. See how he handles this. I half hour really isn't a bad ride if you can find a quiet time. When I place DH the VA Home is 30 mins away, but all country roads. Hang in and give yourself time to adjust. Really good Nursing Homes are incredibly hard to find, take it from a former EMT who saw WAY TO MANY CRAPPY PLACES. LOVE YA.
I went to see him today. Took me 1 hr to go, had to wait for him to return from pt and then he was completely agitated. They did not have the correct meds for him. I seemed not to be able to calm him nor was he even happy to see me. He really didn't know me. I finally left him screaming and ranting. The ride home was bumper to bumper with a 7 mile backup. It took me 1 1/2 hrs to get home. The ride was exhausting. It felt like a waste of time. I am frustrated because the social worker ay the VA that sent us there is on vacation till Monday. They gave me only 2 other homes to check out in Ct. Both places tell me they cannot accomodate dh. He is too severe and they don't have a dedicated dementia unit. I really think it doesn't matter to dh but I do not think this driving will work for me. The time I go (not every day) is the best time. After 1:00 the traffic coming into Ct from NY is bumper to bumper and stays that way till 7 or 8 o'clock. I'm frustrated. One of the 2 nursing homes told me I should ask the VA to write a special contract with a dedicated unit for dementia. I guess I'll try more tomorrow. I'm too tired now to function. Thanks for the comment.
Kathryn sorry for your night mare. My suggestion-nursing homes don't like to do this because implies it made an inappropriate admission: see if they will get him admitted to a psych hosp for med adjustment. Start all over again with the psych hosp social worker about another SNF. Concentrate on a facility that can give your husband the proper care. That is the prime issue. Don't worry if it is a long drive away. All too soon your husband won't realize you aren't there every day. Visit once or twice a week and be satisfied that he is safe.
Kathryn, I didn't realize where you were - you must be talking about I-95. BOY is that terrible at any time of day weekdays. Don't blame you for not wanting to deal with it!!