Two events occurred today that got me thinking. First my DH rolled over in bed this morning and announced, “I can’t live without you.” It is Valentine’s day and what wonderful words to hear on this day. Words from a man who in the beginning found it difficult to express his emotions to me. Words that have not been spoken till now. I am 65 and he is 77 with early stage AD. We have been married 11 years. And I have to wonder…. Is it the AD that has released this? He has changed. Softer, gentler edges to the hard exterior that once was. Has age and our years together mellowed him? I appreciate this new man, this emerging gentle, loving person but it comes with a price. The second was reading all the discussions on this web site. I see all of you, caring for your loved ones, loving, intricate albeit, difficult care. We pull from our innermost reserves to provide that care. Our marriage vows, for better or worse, in sickness and in health become a harsh reality. We do it, knowing that as we feed and bathe and minister to this person that there will be no acknowledgment at the end. We live in hope and in despair and there is no one to bestow sainthood upon us. On the flip side of this, I also wondered…is this my penance for some past sin? (My catholic school upbringing) Has some bad karma of the past brought this upon us? Or is it my destiny to be in this man’s life at this moment. Has it been predetermined that this should be my role? That he should have me here for this. Saint or Sinner, I am here to care for the man that in statement of fact, cannot live without me but I will have to learn to live without him.
Hi Savadele, Do not ever feel that it is because of your past sins, because we all have sinned. The Lord gives us what we can handle. What a marvelous Valentine! Enjoy the day. Treasure it in your heart.
NOT having been brought up Catholic, I like to quote my favorite bumper sticker: "Where are we going? And why am I in this handbasket?"
But seriously, I can't worry too much about the karma of the situation. Besides, I think penance would be useless if you didn't even know what peccadillo you were paying for! I'm glad you have found some slight silver lining in the changes of AD.
I left my last husband in '89 after 18yrs living a rich life in Mexico. I married my now hubby in '93 and he unselfishly offered me everything -today the last husband is confined to a wheelchair and medical problems and my now husband has AD since ;97 so i do believe my 'karma' was to be a caregiver in any event:). both my husbands were yrs older than me. first one was 24yrs older the now is 18yrs older..an improvement i can say and much more willing to share our lives rather than buy my affections so to speak. because he has so lovingly given his all to me, i just feel more love for him and somewhat indebted to him for coming to my rescue and being my knight in shining armour. its a long time now and things change with AD and he doesnt know always who i am but knows I am someone who loves him dearly and he still says he loves me with tears in his eyes. i cant ask for more so i am resigned to the fate of caring for him til the ends. cherish those times that are special there will be a time you will want to hear them and he will be unable and so you must make memories now to last a lifetime.
I don't believe for a nano-second that I was being punished for something I did. And I certainly never believed my DH deserved this horrible disease. He was the most loving, decent, responsible person one could ask for. I wish it were true that we could control our destiny by our actions. Be good and be strewn w/rose petals all your life; be bad and be punished. No, stuff just happens to all of us--life is not always fair. And as hard as I personally know AD to be, I also know that there are worse things in life. It just doesn't feel that way when you are going thru it. We were the same age, grammar school sweethearts. And he was always the caregiver, the one who took splinters out, brought hot soup, was always there. I had to leave the room when my baby got a vaccine shot. I'd rather hang by my thumbs than be a nurse. And yet, it seemed to be my destiny after all, and I learned so much, altho the price was way too high. Still, I'd do it again if I could. Absolutely!
savadele, I can relate to your fleeting thoughts about "is this penance". I am also Catholic - convert - so I don't have the gloom and doom aspect of the faith that my spouse talks about in his early Catholic School education. While I feel God doesn't punish us that way, that things just happen in life that we have to deal with - there are thoughts of is this "my penance". Even if it isn't, it is certainly a lesson in humility and I can use that even though I don't like it. I feel God is a loving and caring God and is always there for me to turn to. Sometimes in the desparation of the moment, I forget and despair until I come to my senses. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you all for sharing...my husband is 57 and diagnosed 18 months ago with early onset...it seems like the holidays are worse for him and then for me....The CNN article was brought to my attention by someone at church and they told me they have new insight into what my life might be like...I know that GOD is not a God who punishes us. He loves us and takes us from Glory to Glory..I do not like how the alzheimer effects my husband or my marriage...but with people like you who share... for the first time ...I have cried and realize it is a loss experience...I have probable been in denial because like was said earlier , he looks normal...usually acts normal..but when the monster comes...I have to admit I get scared and the safety I first felt by his loving touch now makes me feel uncertain...mostly because of the verbal outburst , anger etc...Thank you again for sharing..it means so much.
I believe and receive what you say...God sent me here to be here for my DH...I believe the same is for you...What better way for us to ackowledge the life of Christ than to try and give without recieving something in return....I agree with your comment that the ackowledgment is not there now...a least from our DH ...however, maybe our true purpose is to get to the end of ourselves so that the Light of God can shine thru...that is great acknowledment from what matters most...Thank you for the response....Be blessed and rejoice for you are an instrument of HIS hand... Don't let the enemy come and rob you of the joy of your salvation.. Everything God has for us is not just for HIS glory but for our glory...I feel blessed and cursed..I choose the blessing..and will ignore the cursing...Savadele...thank you ..I feel like I can finally begin to face this ..
I agree with the above comments that God is not punishing us for some sin (although before my wife developed AD I would say that somehow we would have to pay for the 50 years of married bliss). Regarding savadel's comments about the personality change, I have seen the same. As a child my wife was called "the icy blond" by her family because she could not express her love. Since developing AD she has become much more affectionate, telling me several times a day that she loves me. When I mentioned this to my doctor he said "be thankful for small favors". It's a rough road, and we all need all the help we can get. Thanks for this forum.