What do you do when your AD spouse is talking to someone in your presence and what he(she ) is saying is not correct--do you correct them--or let them go on with their story even though you know it's not true. The person on the other end of the conversation may believe what is being said--sometimes it is such a believable story. I sometimes will correct my husband, but then feel badly that I may be embarrassing him. What do the rest of you do?
When DH did this, it was so real to others he could actually get them to leap into action to take care of things. I never said anything in front of him, but I did call afterwards and speak privately to whomever he was talking to & explain the situation. Sometime I think they didn't really believe me, but I did what I could.
I have leant not to argue or contradict my dh. It only embarrasses her and in her confusion, she does not recall events accurately. There are very few circumstances where the absolute truth is necessary and even if their story is not true, it does not really matter...unless you are on a witness stand testifying.... I have learnt not to correct my dh, since it is her reality that she is sharing. When I really think about it, does it really matter?? I will correct her only if it is vital information, or if it may injure someone else ..other than that, why bother pointing out the memory and judgement deficiencies???????
It is so hard to listen to conversation that is entirely false, so misguided and often, completely unreasonable that sometimes I still have that 'kneejerk' reaction to correct or try to have DH understand the 'truth' of something he's telling. I think he gets bits and pieces of information from tv or newspapers and then makes up his own versions of something to tell. A familiar NAME in the paper may NOT be related at all to people we know but he attaches that information to them.
Right now, he's in a "I've been here before'" phase. At first, I thought, well maybe he has been there before.. THEN at our grandson's wedding, and he said he had been to the WEDDING CHAPEL before.. and he'd stayed at the HOTEL before (nope).. that he was trying in some way to feel comfortable in that different environment. I don't know. Can't attempt to figure out why or how the thinking is this way.
But yes, DH can talk to others and make conversation that is entirely believable and be as wrong as rain. If its a serious matter, I will also give someone a call to let them know that what they heard was incorrect. Phranque is right..most of it doesn't matter at all. Thats where we have to step back and ask those crucial questions..
One of the things that drove me nuts when my husband was in the very early stages and I didn't know what was wrong with him were the totally weird, and false, stories he told. Now that conversation is mostly impossible I'm not dealing with that.
They aren't lying. They actually remember it differently from what you remember. And I think this is a very early symptom, perhaps much earlier than any of us thought something was wrong.
I just shake my head with this. I used to know someone who said, 'reality is so real', and it is. In the early stages, I used to think that correcting my husband would help him but I realized it didn't and it kept getting worse. At this point, I don't correct him unless it will cost us money, hurt someone or will cause someone to do something they shouldn't. At that point, I may interject and try to redirect without embarassing my DH. Depending on the situation, I can let folks know after the fact that it isn't true or pull them to the side. This recently happened with the dentist. Mark had told his doctor about how many presidents he had flow Air Force One under. He couldn't recite the presidents so the dentist started Carter and listed all of them and my husband kept saying 'yes, I flew for them'. Although he knows my DH has Alzheimer's, he was surprised when I told him he never flew Air Force One. He was a program manager for training for the vendor but was never in the Air Force or never flew it.
This was actually lthe first sign that showed something was wrong. It took a very long time before I stopped correcting him. Of course, others didn't realize there was anything wrong. I hinted to a couple of close friends that his facts were almost always way off the mark, but I don't think they believed me. Now, a couple of years later, they've figured it out. I'd say that it's almost easier now that the confusion is obvious to anyone who's around him for very long that explanations aren't needed. I really appreciate these boards!
Judy, my DH also says "I've been here before" and no, he hasn't. Sometimes it's in a restaurant, in a hotel or different places. I don't know what this means. I can understand the forgetting but I can't wrap my mind around his thinking a place is so familiar when it isn't. Sometimes he even knows where the restrooms are because "he's been there before." Could their mind possibly wander into the future?
Back to the original discussion....yes, he gets things mixed up when he's talking to people and I have corrected him on occasion but like pranque said "Does it really matter.?" Most of the time, it doesn't.
Most of the time I say nothing. I don't want to get into an argument or embarrass him in front of others. Last time it happened, I drove 40 minutes down to my cousin's house on Christmas Day. All the way down there, Sid and I had a conversation about how odd it was that there was no traffic on the holiday. Smooth sailing all the way. Both of us were amazed.
Fast forward to dinner - we're sitting around the table, and Sid tells everyone how much traffic there was coming down to their house. He went on and on about the huge amount of traffic. I said nothing at that time, but when we were cleaning up from dinner, I took my cousin aside, and told her how distorted his discussion was. I did it only because she is always telling me how normal he seems, and she can't see anything wrong with him. I explained that he seems perfectly normal because he SOUNDS perfectly normal. No one realizes that what he is saying is often so off the mark and distorted.
But I try very hard not to contradict him in front of people. It serves no purpose except to get him into an argument mode.
Thank you all for the good advice. It does make sense; and I agree that most of the exaggerations will not matter in the long run. There are definitely more critical things to be concerned with when it comes to caregiving.
Yes...I roll my eyes or slowly nod my head to indicate ...this is not so!!! My DH also goes through that I have been here routine. Now he has added a new one...ev erything on TV he has "seen before", even news flashes. This is someone that cannot follow the plot of the simplest show!!
Yes, mine too - every time he hears about someone being somewhere, he relates it to something he thinks he knew. He took one trip one summer to Europe, in 1955, and EVERY minute of that trip (except a girl he met on board the freighter??) he remembers with clarity and thinks everything has stayed exactly the same. I mention bullet trains and oh, yes, he rode one. (not!) Berlin (oh, yes - not!) etc
I do my share of rolling the eyes when the stories start! Now he's started something new: Almost everyday, several times a day, he will say something like "I have the strangest feeling that something is happening to ______. " Or, "I feel like something is wrong with _______". these could be relatives or friends. I try to reassure him if I've spoken with them recently, but he keeps bringing it up once he starts - same person all day long, then next day, different person!
My wife used to join every conversation with the statement that she had been there, no matter what place was mentioned. After reading this thread, I have realized she isn't doing that any more. I guess, as with other things, this was a phase which has passed.
Grannywhiskers, My DH does the same about TV shows even if it is a new show. Which is amazing because sometimes he doesn't remember that he has seen a show before!
Several years ago we had the "I have been here before phase". This past week it has been....the houses in the neighborhood are new to him...he is even questioning our house and surroundings. Thinks it is all new and cannot believe we have been here for 35 years. Another ugly phase begins. Am afraid to ask what's in store but need to know. Thank you.
Which stage was this? An early one? I've just noticed this recently with DH. Yesterday I asked a neighbor a question and got an interesting, if long-winded, answer and afterward I was told, "He's told us that same story at least three times," which of course isn't true.
i found this happening as well int he earlier stage after dx. it drove us into some heated arguments. he would insist he had done this or that and been here or there when i knew it wasnt true. i really thought he was trying to entice me then to argue. it was a time of much wasted breath and time i should have let it slide.. must .always remember to get in the last word..."yes dear, no dear"::))) would have been much better on us both.
My husband has been making things up since dx--the medical term for it is 'confabulation". I think there's no point to correcting when this happens, because it's his reality.
Regarding saying they've seen TV programs before, movies before, been places before--we all have this going on a little bit--it's that"deja vu" feeling. Apparently, the changes in the brain caused by dementia makes this happen a lot more. Several years ago I read an article in the Sunday New York Times magazine about the subject, and it said some people have this constantly, with every experience.
When my husband first started telling me we had already seen every TV show, I used to say "I don't remember seeing this before." His answer always was "You fell asleep last time." He had deja vu and confabulation going on both at the same time!
Briegull--It has been a problem for us traveling the past couple of years that my husband assumes nothing has changed--for example we had to have travelers checks, which are no longer the best way for us to carry money. It is a broader issue for him; he doesn't believe things change. We are decluttering to sell our house and move (before it gets even harder) and he can't wrap his mind around the idea that we might not need something any more that we used to value. Before he was diagnosed our kids went away to school and I thought empty nest was an opportunity to deepen our relationship. He said he would support me in my inner journey but he didn't feel any need to change. Is lack of awareness of change an early dementia issue?
pamsc, I think it may be. My DH has always had a problem with change and it has gotten worse. He, too, thinks we need to keep everything because we might need it. It makes no sense to me to keep power saws, weed eaters, and all the other tools he has because he no longer can use them. If he feels more secure having them, I'll just have to be okay with it, until later when it won't matter.
My DH is resistant to change. He is also a pack rat. We also have a building with a lot of stuff we will never use again but the only way I can get rid of it is when he doesn't see me do it. I am not sure that is related to AD or just the way he has always been. Right now we have a like new 4 x 4 pickup in our garage that we don't need, nobody drives it and it is cleaned and ready to sell, but DH is finding excuses why we should not sell it.
Interesting. My lady who cleans and watches DH 4 hours every couple of weeks, really likes to change things. When I come home she has moved nick-nacks around etc. Last week when I came home she had moved my basket of toiletries from the right side of the sink to the left side of the sink. I could simply move it back but I read someplace it was good for you to "get out of your safety zone". I do have to think about it before grabbing my deodorant now, rather than just instinct.
My husband not only keeps tool because we might need them. He keeps absolutely everything because he might need it. He has always kept a lot of stuff, but he's gone way beyond that now. The clutter is pretty much restricted to the basement and garage, but it's driving me nuts anyway. And, I'm afraid that at some point some of it will be dangerous to him. You can barely walk through the basement.
Anyone have any hints for getting rid of things - like the six empty aquariums in the garage. They won't hold water, but he says he's going to fix them. Some are ones other people were throwing out. I even suggested we buy a nice new one and get rid of the old ones. Now he wants a new one, but he's not willing to get rid of the old ones. By the way, there is not room in our house for all of them. I've been gradually throwing some stuff out when he isn't around, but I can't do that with anything big. Any ideas?
Janet, I'll bet our basement and garage looks just like yours! If anybody has any ideas, we'd love to have them. Of course, we don't want to upset DH in the process. My DH also has an old 1970 truck that he refuses to get rid of. I think we're just going to have to bury him in it.
This morning as he was getting dressed my husband looked outside (he often doesn't). It was recycling day. There were three big bins of bottles and jars etc (usually only 1), the usual reclycing box of paper plus six more boxes crammed with cardboard or magazines or catalogs, two big garbage bags instead of one.. I've been emptying his study of all the saved boxes from Amazon, Penzey's, etc etc etc plus all the jars (each holding 2-3 screws, many of the same size) and on and on. He has not known it; I have gone upstairs when he's been down, and moved quietly. My daughter hates creeping around but...
I just said, oh yes, one of those is the dishwasher motor (true), and the rest are boxes I've been storing in your room that I moved so I could get around in there. Which (except for one pronoun "I") is true. He surprisingly didn't object. But he hasn't opened the door and seen the emptiness. Whether he'll remember any of this tomorrow, I don't know.
Re the aquariums - could you bury them most of the way and have them raised beds in the garden? yes, I know they wouldn't have drainage... Or find a neighbor child who has always wanted a hamster and you wouldn't deprive him of a nice house... once you get one out, you can take the others along accidentally... Aquariums that don't hold water have always been good for small pets.
i got rid of tons of 'things' like old exercise equipment, weed eaters, even extra new bathroom fixtures he got when he built the house!i cleaned out the gararge, storage closet, his truck:), and there is absolutely NOTHING in there now. i called my lawn guy or charities and donated or threw out all of it. i sold the truck for min monie just to not have to worry. i used the excuse of donating to charities to the less fortunate which appealed to his sense of duty. i LOVE it empty!! its clean and when/if the times comes we have to move then i am one step ahead-you willl be thankful you cleaned it all and no worries, esp power tools. divvi
I did the same thing, divvi. Everything is cleaned out. One more yard sale soon and it will all be gone! He loves the yard sales, only reason I'm having it - he "donated" lots of stuff for it!
My DH would absolutely not donate for a garage sale. In fact he is not mad about donating to Charity so it is best in this household to do it on the sly and that way he usually doesn't miss things. (He has no problem with giving cash to Charity but he does have trouble with "stuff". Son in law hauled 4 loads to the dump for me out of the buildings at another place we have. I am going to have him sort out a load of "stuff" from another garage and haul it away.
I agree with I LOVE it empty. Ours won't be empty but manageable. Janet, if you can get rid of DH for a half a day and get someone with a truck or trailer to come and haul a load a day, that is the best way. Do it one load at a time and he probally won't miss it. Here, there are people who will do this for the stuff if it has any value to them. The aquariums I could sit out by the roadside and they would be gone in 30 minutes. You just have to be sneaky. I have a daughter and son who are also pack rats. That would drive me mad. My daughter is a School Teacher and she saves EVERYTHING. I bet she has 100 totes full of stuff in her garage. Her husband is going to finally build her shelves and she wants to dump them all out in the floor and repack them with labels.
Well, mmmm, uh, well, you see.....I'm the pack rat in our family. <sigh> I admit it. I'm right up there with the worst. :(
You see, I use the excuse that those were my father's electrical tools, tool boxes, etc. ;and they mean so much to me; and I need those clothes for when I lose weight because they are conservative and won't go out of style and the money I have invested in them...I will wear them - someday. And that washer and dryer that we brought over here to this house that already had a washer and dryer, so we put ours in the basement back in 1997 so that when the ones in the house broke down, we could use ours and not have to buy new ones. <grin> Now they are in the back of the basement with boxes and labeled plastic tubs on them and in front of them. Then, there are 20 or so plastic tubs of Christmas decorations and 15 plastic tubs of my Hawthorne Victorian Christmas display that I've been collecting for years; and I could go on and on...oh yes! I've kept my parents fishing rods and reels and tackle boxes - they were avid fishermen (my husband and I weren't/aren't) but I let my grandsons to use them when they visit and their dads take them fishing.
So you see, I am really bad.....does the fact that I know it give me any credit? (head bowed and waiting for chastisement)
Mary!! NO AGAIN!! get with the program and lose that junk! :)!
you can take your off-sized (love this word) to the resale shop and make money for more clothes in your new size..hahah!! my SIL threw everything in my closet on my floor! and i nearly had heartfailure. she separated it all and i said yes or no. we did 3 closets of just my stuff..size 4 to 16.sigh....we took to resale and i made over 2k for all that stuff i was hoarding. now its just as bad as i go buying for more which is jus as fun...:) divvi
Another way to get perfectly good stuff you don't nbeed/want anymore gone is Freecycle. No messing with running a sale. No cost to you. You offer the item. Anyone interested contacts you. You mutually set up a time for them to come get it. No oney involved. Puts the item in the hands of someone who needs or wantsa i.
I had probably 10 critter quality aquariums various sizes. Had tried them in a yard sale--no go. Freecycled them, and they were gone in within 2 days. On Freecycle there is anything imaginable--appliances, clothes, furniture, etc. There is a freecycle site serving nearly anywhere in the country. The site is in the Yahoo groups.
Another way to help people out, yet leaves you some control of getting rid of things. OH! And you can get stuff from it too.
divvi - bluedaze perhaps we can meet at Mary's house one day she is gone and each of us bring a truck. Do you think we could do it without her missing anything? We must get this terrible disease gone before it spreads.......oops. Off Topic....sorry
I'm sitting here at my computer with a standing toolbox on each side of me. God forbid if I ever mentioned getting rid of any of the stuff. Outside there's a rubbermaid shed and three dock boxes full of "junk". (I'd better not call it junk to him. LOL) He'll never use any of it again. Oh, I forgot, one of the top shelves in a closet has more tools.
Lmohr started a new Off Topic thread about getting rid of junk. If you wish to talk about getting rid of junk, please post on that thread. When I get a few extra minutes, I will move all of the "junk" posts from here to there. As you can probably imagine, do I ever have "junk" stories!
All this talk of clutter and junk reminds me how my wife's brain must feel the same way to her....all that accumulated stuff filling all the brain cells, thinking how valuable it all is, but unable to figure out how to deal with so much junk...My garage is much the same way, but I also think that the eoad has had the same effect on my wife.....who knows what surprises are lurking amoung all the unused and unwanted stuff that has accumulated....
Lois, Nora and Divvi, please come! I'd love to have someone not attached to my MIL and mother and dad's stuff be able to get rid of most of what is in my basement! <grin> PLUS, we could have a party afterwards!
Joan, since you are moving all of this, I am answering here, knowing you will move it to the new discussion. :)
Also, we have about 3,000 books, both hardback and paperback. I did give our encyclopedias to our grandchildren. I'm keeping The Great Books of the Western World. I re-read them whenever I need a break from the best sellers and science fiction. My husband and I used to read a book a day. We also are big re-readers. We would bring a book out again after 2 or 3 years and read it again and enjoy it as much as we did the first time. If we didn't like a book or it wasn't one we wanted to re-read, we gave it away. The kids jokingly call our house the library. However, they read a lot as well. Now I do good to read a book a week. My husband can't read at all any more. That, after not being able to speak, is the worse blow for him. He LOVED to read books. <sigh> I will give our sons his collection after he passes. That will halve the collection. Girls, you don't have to go through the books - just the basement!