Yep, it's me again, with a new whammy. I spoke to the social worker at the Nursing home where my husband is recouperating from injury..... one of the family members "in charge" has agreed to hand him over to me when he can be released, as I told you yesterday. The social worker said to I can prepare to bring him back to Virginia by the end of the month because he still has some health issues other than his back (didn't know that, either). She told me they would only release him to me if I agree to place him in a nursing home near me here in Virginia. I'm broken hearted. My children, who took him to Florida and hid him out for the past year, have robbed me of a year I could have had with my husband, good or bad. What have I done? WHY can't I care for him at home. He only weighs 110 now. Hell, I can shoulder two 50# bags of feed. I'm home all the time, so I'll be with him. We can sleep in the same bed. He can be in my studio when I'm working. Yes, I've changed diapers on an adult...when my father was ill at his home and I helped my mother. And he was a MUCH bigger man. I've cleaned poop up, and up-chuck, without one reaction except for the trouble it is. I can bathe and shower with him....he used to like that when we'd get past the childish "no, no, I don't want to bathe!". He still talks about wanting to hold me at night and maybe have "relations"? He's looking forward to my cooking and sitting in the garden to watch me work, watch me on the tractor making hay, breaking a new pony. Sure, he has his moments when I'm the whore of Babylon.... but he wants to be home and that's what he talks about. From what I understand from his sister, they have NOT have him declared incompetent. That's good, isn't it, in my benefit, so I can set some financial disasters in order (they had him change his will, reappropiated beneficiaries on an annuity, etc. I can fix that still, can't I? I'm told Medicare will pay for him to be in a nursing home, but from what I've always been told, they only pay for the first hundred and some days. Who pays then? I have no money. I only have the house and land I'm living on(in my name only and PAID FOR). And a gift of a portion of a trust from my Mother and Father who came to my rescue when all my funds were frozen. What am I in for? Can they actually MAKE me have no choice not to take him home. They say he needs 24 hour care (someone to live in), otherwise they consider it an "unsafe release". Could my bitter family be behind this? I need to try to do this. A LOT OF YOU DO, HOWEVER DIFFICULT. I have the support of the local Alz. organization, hospice, an adult day care, etc. I know a lot more than I used to and am not so scared to take this on. What do I do now? Other than find a nice nursing home? And, how do I tell this man who loves me and remembers most of our life that he's not coming home. I can't face that. I asked the social worker to tell him....I just can't. Has anyone had this experience?????? Please, someone MUST have. My heart is broken and his will be as well......the social worker says that he won't even remember, but I think not. He has sworn he'll kill himself if he has to go to another nursing home. I believe him. I'm 54 and he's an old, old, looking 80 year old man, but I still love him. We've raised our children together. Good and bitter, I still love him and want to show him.
My only suggestion is if you insist on bringing him back, find a nursing home for him. Once he gets to Virginia, then you can see to taking him home to your house.
Do you mean, just set it up and show them that I've complied with thier request and then just take him home to be with me? I do know that eventually he will be in a nursing home, but I don't think he needs to be there NOW.
Why not work it in stages? If you can get him into a NH near you--Stage 1. Then see how things are and work on mioving him home if that's what you can work out. Ditto, financial things. Work on them one at a time, always protecting yourself. Who pays for his care now--then who takes over when that coverage is exhausted.
Also, my daughter (youngest, 23) will hate me even more if I place him directly in a nursing home. I've promised her I'm bringing her daddy home to be with me. She doesn't beleive me anyway.
I'm concerned about complicating his already disrupted mind. When they are moved from one environment to another, when they see someone who hasn't been there for a while, new experiences, ...... I understand that can quite undo them emotionally. He is so frail.
I remember when my mom was released from a hospital and they would not release her to her home, but to a nursing home. I specified a local nursing home, then promply visited them insisting on a discharge. They admitted her into the home, and five minutes later, I was driving my mom back home....I talked to the administrator, and told her that the hospital would not release her to be home, but that I insisted she go home. I put up such a verbal battle, and would not accept no for an answer. The nursing home was happy because they got paid from Medicare, the hospital was happy because they were released of liability, and I was happy that I did not have to get a lawyer......Stick to your guns and don't listen to their excuses.....I hope it works out for you...Hugs for you