This topic came up under the driving topic, and I wanted to keep the driving topic separate, so I started this one. Phranque mentioned that due to his wife's rages, which are way beyond what my own husband has, he had to move out of the house. If anyone would like to ask questions or comment, please do so under this topic.
I have a question - what about meds? Didn't the doctor put her on meds to calm the rages?
phranque, you should get back to her neuro or whoever attends your wife and demand an rx for some of these meds everyone else uses here with success for rage and aggitation. pardon my saying so , but thats flat out ridiculus being kicked out of your house to keep the peace. she is surely out of control and needs medication asap. not only for your sanity but her safety as well. they can get off on tangents that can easily cause concern for safety in that mental state. divvi
-phranque-- also,let the authorities know the situation. Just because you're in a reverse role from what they probably usually see, your situation is the same. If a wife has to call for help with an out of control spouse, the authorities have procedures to help. The same is true for you, but THEY HAVE TO BE INFORMED. I bet if they had been informed when that episode came up, you wouldn't have faced any "threat of jail".
ALSO, as divvi said, get with her Dr. There are meds. to help with the rages. This is not "doping them, up for control". It is helping their brain to function better by leveling out the chemistry. In the long run better for them and you too.
danielp-- It may not happen. Not all LOs develop rages. But if your LO does, don't mess around. See it for what it is and get to the Dr., for help. A lot of us have gone through a time of denial and "it's not that bad" before we face a really bad time and FINALLY do what has to be done. If her upset goes beyond her usual, be aware. If needed act. That's what we do.
The day before I was kicked out, I did go to the sheriff's office, and had her registered...they were absolutely wonderful. Yes, meds are ok but my wife is very sensitive or allergic to most medications, and she is adamant about staying in control of them...\ She is already on Xanax, and tamoxifen, but they have the opposite effect on her. Her doctor tried several different drugs, but the side effects on her were incredible..keep in mind that she also has had breast cancer, an aneurysm in her brain, asthma (severe), and heart issues. SO, in actuality moving out was perhaps the most calming of effects for both of us...she now realizes how difficult things are for her, and manages to function almost normally. My son and daughter stay in constant contact with her by phone, explaining over and over again how to do certain things...we average about 5 calls a day each.......and another 5 to each other to discuss what is happening. I am extremely fortunate to have two supportive kids who do so much every day...(one spent two hours on the phone explaining how to play a dvd, and then switch back to tv mode... By moving out, I gained freedom and independance, although inherited a very worried attitude....she is now alone, and it seems that the lack of stimulation (talking, being there, having someone present) has made her calmer. The confusion still remains, but there is no one there to witness the outbursts..catasrophic reactions. I check in every two days, and the house is neater, and she is functioning ok.....Two weeks ago, she stayed in bed 24 hrs a day watching movies...now she does a bit of laundry and has taken an interest in keeping the house clean.....two weeks ago, she would eat a banana and leave the peels on her nighstand till I cleaned it up... I am only 3 minutes away (7 miles), and taking care of my 87 yr old mom......she is ok, but she has always needed my help..I never figured I would have to be her caregiver too......but she is far easier than my dw.. I am a bit apprehensive about controlling people with medication...nursing homes do that to keep patients manageable....I have seen too much of that and would rather tolerate the rages then to see someone doped up..... Thank you so much Joan for making this topic available...this is unique to me I think
phranque - I can understand being uncomfortable about controlling with medication and you are right, nursing homes do often do it to keep people manageable. Her safety and the safety of those around her is the issue. She may be calmer with you not there right now, but as she was with you she will eventually be with other people. Finding the right combination of drugs to help keep her calm is something that needs to be done.
When my husband was at his most aggressive, he was transferred to a psych ward where they did medicate him a lot. Before they found the right combination of drugs, he tried to strangle a person, threw a chair at a nurse and was doing a lot of kicking, scratching and punching. He would be horrified if he knew and understood that he had done those things. He would never want to hurt someone. He was medicated down to being in a wheel chair and unable to feed himself. Unfortunately, I did not see him do some of the worst of it so I will always question how much of it was really rage and how much of it was a poor approach by the person. I will always question whether he really needed to be medicated to the extent that he was. Even with all of that, I still have no problem with medicating him for his safety and others.
One question, with all of her medical problems along with the AD, how much is she being affected by the interactions of whatever drugs she is on?
Phranque, that is a very sad story rather moving out than be on the other end of the rages. i guess under the circumstances you do have some peace and quiet living with your mom now. maybe your kids will see to mom as the need grows. some people strike a cord of aggression and others make them quite sweet. i hope it works out for you. meds side effects can cause quite dramatic changes when AD hits. what used to be tolerated now are not and like you say can causee the exact opposite reaction. divvi
I did not move out by choice...This was a very hard decision for me, since I am the caregiver...however, my two kids have taken over and check on her several times a day...currently, she is having a bit more difficulty talking, and her interactions are limited....but at least the rage is gone temporarily. I tend to be very conservative with meds, and My bathroom cabinet could compare to the best equipped pharmacy...those are thrown out now, and I do my own observations of what effects happen with different combination of meds...there is so much sensitivity between cross medications, and I am not sure if any of them have any benefit--the difference is so slight, that I think smarties are the best answer.. On the other hand, I am almost living a normal (??) life...I can finally get work done, and do not have to deal with hours of drama and rage...I feel so much better, and have even gained a bit of self esteem in the process.....I want to take lessons to become a pool guy, as soon as I can get my sixpack painted on with non washable paint....
God Bless you phranque! Going from wife to mother, but I am glad you are finding some peace and it is wonderful that your kids are picking up where you had to leave off. I understand that it was not by choice, but it sounds like it is working out for the best. I am dealing with anger and rages and because of our 9 yr old grandson, I had no choice but to go to DH's docs to get help. Tonight we are starting him on Seroquel. I pray that we will get some results quickly and you are also in those prayers.
Caregiving in ABSENTIA...not recommended Despite only having a small bag of luggage with only essentials, I miss home...I miss all the amenities which I worked so hard to earn in my lifetime...but most of all, I missed losing touch with the reality of this disease....I got a phone call yesterday from my daughter, who was frantic. She has the poa, but has stepped in as primary caregiver while I am "On vacation". I see her becoming frazzled, and I fear she is ruining her life, losing control of her own household, and missing out on the joys of raising her two kids. This has been such a disruption in what she would have as a "Normal " life... I think that eoad is the most horrible of disease, because the side effects (total devastation of so many other lives) are very severe. I feel that it is contagious, and affects anyone who is in contact with her. I am more worried now than ever before, and wonder if she left the water run in the sink, left the back door open, forgot to lock the doors, left the stove on (she rarely cooks...but...)wonder if she is still using the tv remote to make calls, wonder if she started wandering, wonder if I will ever be allowed back into the house, and whether my firing as caregiver will ever be rescinded.. I sincerley hope no one else will ever have to cope with this....
"If it doesn't make sense, must be eoad............."
Have you thought about placing her?? You deserve to be in the home you "built". She might be safer in a secure enviornment. That way you can sleep at night without worry. I know it is a difficult decision, but it sounds like it might be best for all. Let us know how things are going. (((arms around))))
I think you should be in your own home too. Her mind is not right and she really doesn't know what she is doing but I, like you, would worry about her being there alone. Maybe consider placing her or trying meds to get her mellow enough to live with. I don't think anyone with AD should be left to their own devices 24/7. As most people on this board can tell you from personal experience the AD person can get into all kinds of situations where they are a danger to themselves or others. Then, also, you need to think of your daughter and not put too much on her shoulders. This disease can ruin relationships.
Yes I would like to place her...but too young for medicare, not covered for more than 60 days with bcbs, and too expensive for me to afford. It is absolutely insane living this way, but it will pass....I make three or 4 visits a day, and 20 calls...I have bluetooth on my cell, and everyone thinks I talk to myself, because I am always on the phone. To make things worse, I moved in with my 87 yr old mom, who just had an mri showing 2 ruptured disks and 1 bulging disk in her back..she also has a colonostopy, and I have been lucky to avoid poop duty..the bag is changeable and not too bad to do.do. Today, I dealt with a probable heart attack, stroke, or unknown disease, and after exhausting my knowledge and abilities, I let my brother call 911...she went and we found she had gastritis and sinus infection. Probably brought on by excessive over the counter meds that I did not know my mom was taking..Just got home at 1:30 am, and wasted another day of not working. I don't think I can take care of two people at the same time, and continue to work.....phew this is tough..........
phranque, it is time to talk to someone about Medicaid for your wife and placement. Has she been declared disabled by social security? That is the first thing you need to do to get Medicare for her although you will need to wait a couple of years the way it is currently set up.
And it is probably time to get a CNA in for your mother. I just called my local Area Agency for Aging for my husband's situation. Even though we don't qualify for any financial aid, they are the doorway to things like day care. You need to call them for an assessment for both your mother and your wife.
Phranque, trying to care for two is a most trying feat. i am glad others have suggested placement for your DW and or mother. I have been reluctant to mention the fact that placing your daughter with a family and kids in between it all is an injustice to her as well. i am sure she is frazzled and trying to care for her mother on top of her own family is very stressful. i thought i remembered you saying your DW was around stage 6 of the disease. if that is true and factual, at stage 6, there are ethical, moral, and legal ramnifications of allowing her to live alone 24/7 even with variable intervals of supervision from you as her husband. you mentioned stoves, gas, wandering, leaving doors open, etc. if something did happen to her while unsupervised at this critical point and stage of the disease, i fear that you AND or daughter (POA) could be subjected to reckless or even felony endangerment (if death imvolved)of a vulnerable and incompentent or mentally/physically disabled person. at stage 6 there are just too many mentall losses involved to prudently allow living alone for any period of time- please take the iniciative as others have suggested while there is time.. divvi
((phranque)) remind me not to go on "vacation" with you! *wink.
I am so sorry for how badly things are in your life right now. I know I hated it when people said this to me, and here I am about to say it to you... try to remember to TAKE CARE OF YOU!! You just can't run yourself ragged like this. It always, always catches up to us.
I too am wondering if you have applied for social security disability? Once granted, she will qualify for medicare and even medicaid if you meet the qualifications. In the mean time, call your local health and human service department. They will be able to direct you to places that could be helping you. There were many services available to Lynn that I just didn't know about. Certainly worth a phone call or two.