Back when I started reading here, about a year ago, I had also stumbled upon the bigtreemurphy spot. I got a very strong sense on that one that one should expect to be able to keep one's spouse with them through the whole journey. And here, there didn't seem to be many - I guess bluedaze was the exception then, am I right? and "carewife" ("joyful") and one or two others.. whose spouses were in a facility. I thought I'd almost be committing a crime to go looking for one for the future.
Now in the last few months we've gone through a lot of people getting placed, and through the trauma of that to the spouse. You people, whose sadness and wrenching loss you've shared with us, are showing us not just how hard it is BUT ALSO THAT YOU CAN COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE! And for that, we owe you a tremendous thanks.
As much as you can, as you evaluate the placements, let us know what to look for, for our own futures. We will thank you.
briegull-after several disasters I can really answer your question. First-a regular nursing home isn't the best choice because: Staff isn't really trained to handle dementia patients. First thing they want to do is drug them out instead of using diversionary techniques. You can't reason with a dementia patient, nor does yelling at them do any good. Second-is the place really secure-my husband broke out of too many places in spite of double locks and a wanderguard that sets off an alarm when they get too near an exit door. Third-nursing homes usually have long hallways and staff can't see what residents are up to. Four-dementia patients aren't about to play bingo in a large group=they need one on one attention. I could go on and one because the subject is so important. I make it a point to visit at strange hours so I can see what is really going on. The caregiving doesn't stop at placement.
as difficult as it is to place our spouses if the time arises, there are numerous reasons that may help you thru the turmoil of addressing the situation. on the pro side of a nursing home facility, or AD unit, they will be well fed with a nutricios meal prepared inhouse. there will be interactive socialization and visual stimulations to keep their minds active with same type persons who do not judge their actions. their medical, mental and emotional health needs will be monitored 24/7 and early detections are crucial to a healthy environment. personal hygiene will be done by people dedicated to that particular field. their eating, drinking, and sleeping habits are noted and monitored to accomplish their daily needs. and the last but probably most important, the caregivers released to enjoy peace of mind again knowing their loved one is attended to and in good care. their interactions without all the intermediate constant stress releases them to enjoy their times together with a better frame of mind and attitudes to induce happier visits together. and lastly the caregiver is now free to attend to his/her own mental health and medical needs and has the ability tolook forward to a renewed sense of wellbeing for the future. i hope some of you placing your spouses will take this to heart and know you are doing whats best for their wellbeing and yours. divvi
I think the thing that made Lynn's transition the worst for him, was having his children there. I think when the time for placement comes, only the people who have had direct care for your loved one, should come.
I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was not funny! I remember we took him to the nice dinning area they have, they served us lunch, and then it was decided he should be told there in private, instead of upstairs. We KNEW he was going to react badly, just not THAT badly! His children were trying to explain why he had to be there.. hello he has Alzheimer's... you CAN'T reason with him!!!!! He at that moment, not only didn’t know who those people were, but he hated them to. He looked at me and said... “WTH is going on? All I did was come in here to eat! “ Not funny!! But now, I do have to chuckle…Poor bugger!!!
It was too confusing for him, having all those people he didn't really know calling him Dad to begin with. When they started saying you have Alzheimer's.. things went from bad to ugly! The head nurse came in and asked his children to leave!!! Only then did he calm down. We explained that I needed to go for help for my medical conditions, and he said, he would stay the night for me. That is how it worked for us. One day at a time. Letting him believe he was fine, 'cause as we all know nothing is wrong with them!!! *wink. Letting him think he was taking care of me by staying. The questions became less with each passing week... until he no longer asked.
Next, medication .. medication.. medication.!!!! And lots of it! Now if you have a lamb, or your loved one is beyond knowing their surroundings, who they are etc.. this might not be necessary. But if your loved one is like my Lynn, their "bad behaviors" be it aggression , abuse etc, will only escalate!!!! I didn't know how bad he would be. Therefore, learn from my mistake, and talk to your doctor BEFORE placement to up their medications, anxiety, depression and anti-psychotics. When his seroquel was raised to more than 3 times his regular dose, he finally stopped trying to jump from the window.. accccck
Next, don't set too high of an expectation. 1.Lynn was not happy. He could not see I was doing this because I did love him. Do not expect them to not be mad. He has every right. Just make sure you REDIRECT AND DIVERT!
2. They may fight others caring for them. Lynn still is. I still must bathe him, feed him and change him. He has truly settled in, even asked me today what took me so long to get "home" But he still doesn't want them to take over his personal care. He is slowly, but it takes time. Just be patient,,,, it may take some longer than others. But, in this too, in time he will adjust.
Next, surround them with things they recognize and are special to him. Our saving grace was a painting of me and our horse Ebony. Whenever he got too upset, I or the staff, would say oh, look at that beautiful horse! He would always stop his words mid sentence to talk about his beloved horse. He thinks he is still alive, he died 12 years ago... But I am never going to tell him that!!! Most of his walls are covered with big pictures, ones he can clearly see from his bed. It brings him great comfort and makes him feel at home.
Lastly, but most important to you, the caregiver. Do not spend so much time there, that YOU hinder your loved ones transition. I did this. I just couldn't leave him! I stayed at least 8 to 10 hours a day there. It did nothing to calm him down, and about destroyed me. In the second week, I could see I was not helping him, so I went less. 4 hours. Then I decided to test my theory, and not go one day. That next day I went in, and instead of him pacing the halls waiting for me, he was laying in bed watching TV!!!!
Go as much as you need to, but not too much. Now I only go once a day, and for no more than 4 hours. I make sure I miss a day here and there. It isn't about what I want ... it is about what makes everything better for HIM. He could not adjust with me there so much. Just a loving hint. It is hard to let go, but you must.
divvi has said all i wanted to say,my dh has adjusted rather fast, i think he remembers when he had his parents there, when we got there he said it was old home week, i have to remember this is real new for him so he may crash at anytime but for now he seems fine, wanted to come home with me but as soon after i left they said he calmed down, i am not planing on going everyday, it will not be good for him or me
Nikki and marygail, thank you for saying that you don't go EVERY DAY and that you don't stay ALL DAY. I know that if the time comes that I have to place my husband that I won't be able to do either of those things, because I'll be placing him later than I should and I will be sick too. Rationally, I know that going every day and staying all day wouldn't be good for HIM when the time comes, if it does. Emotionally, that is something else...
Starling, that is the key right there..... rationally and emotionally.. two complete opposite ends. I wanted to stay all day every day. The first day he needed me there, they thought I might have to stay the night. He truly did try to jump from the window. There are safety precautions to prevent them from opening more than an inch or two , thank God!
Looking back, I see I stayed too long that first week. I THOUGHT to make him know I wasn't abandoning him, what I failed to see, is what I KNOW.. he had no idea how long I was there. Once I left, they simply told him I was upstairs for treatment. He paced a lot that first week after I left. ALL THE TIME. But they told me, he isn't hurting himself. He is calm, and pleasant, let him pace.
What killed me, was he was looking for me. It made me feels sooooo guilty!!!!!!! When I decided to stay less, he HAD to stop pacing, I was gone for 20 hours, he wore himself out!!! When I didn't go for one day, he got real sick of looking for me and decided he would lay down. He started reading his papers and watching TV.
Now, I do go every day because he is in crisis and wont eat without me. So I go and get him to eat and drink 3 boosts. I clean him and change him. We go for a little walk, then we snuggle up and watch some TV. He is truly happier than he was at home. God knows I am!!!
((Marygail)) I am sooooo happy to hear your DH has settled in so well. Wonderful news!!!!! Now, take care of you! ((hugs))