well dh is in a nursing home, took him there today, has been going downhill for a week, couldn`t stand much on his own, wetting and pooing on the bathroom floor, was afraid he would fall or something and i couldn`t help him, children and i talked it over and was decided we would put him on the list, thought it would take at least 6 months to get him in ,such a long list, we contacted someone on Monday morning, got a call 2 hrs later , had a room for him. had to decide right then and there, hardest thing i ever had to do, he didn`t want to go , told him they were going to try to help him get better, i know it is a lie but they told me to tell him something that would ease his mind, he loves to go to the dr. so came up with this, it worked, was easy to get him in there, alot of the nurses knew him so he was all smiles. Got a call tonight , he fell while walking, not hurt, pollicy to call if something happens, was so relived , didn`t hurt himself. I feel so guilty for putting him there, promised i would take care as long as i could, didn`t think it would be so soon, has only been diganosed for 3 yrs. , my house is so quiet no shuffling on the floor, no yelling for me, no having to get up and bring him to the bathroom, all the things i hated now want them back, so confusing, children were here most of the day with me but they have little ones to attend to, little ones asking if grampa is coming home soon, been crying alot and starting to cry again now that the dark has come, so lonley and it is just the begining
I don't know your finances or if you have contacted hospice, but maybe as the end gets nearer, you can bring him home. This would be when he is confined to a bed. You can rent a hospital bed (or hospice may furnish it or VA if you qualify) and do the care without getting him up. They have great foaming cleanser to bath them with.
Just a thought for the future. Then he could go at home if you still desire it that way.
((((oh marygail)))) ........ putting my arms around you ....... I know you feel alone but you know you've done the right thing for your husband ...... you cared for him well and now have to have others take over his care ..... be strong marygail ...... you will get through this part of the journey and be able to be a good care giver to your husband even though he's now in the facility ....... your visits with him will be good and you both will enjoy your time together.
So sorry marygall. We will be thinking of you. I see you have only been posting a month. Please continue to keep us updated on him and yourself. Hospice idea is a good one from Charlotte. At some point they will help with him in the NH I think.
marygail, this must be so hard. Bless your heart. I know you're doing what's best for both of you. Just try to be strong and stay with him all you can until you both get adjusted. {{{Hugs}}}
I would think everyone on this site knows about the shampoo cap? I took it to the Caregiver's Group meeting..for my version of "Show and Tell" and none of the men had ever seen one. It looks like a shower cap, you put it on their heads, then squish squish. Massage the head/hair through the cap...and when you take it off, towel dry the hair and it is fresh and clean. I am SURE that everyone knows about these, but "just in case" a newbie doesn't. It's a lifesaver!!! Especially for those with oily hair.
Marygail I have been where you are. The house seems so quiet and dark. The loneliness is crushing. Your husband will have 24 hour care and you will be more rested. You will have more strength to oversee his care. You are still his caregiver.
Mary gail, I understand your lonliness, I know that right now the new adjustment is hard, but just like bluedaze so wisely said, once you get your rest you will probably see this in a more positive light. I Know that I am at the point that I hate all his outbursts and messes, but I also know that I will miss them when he is gone from the house. We are all with you and sending lots of prayers for you and the staff that are taking care of him.. Love you Phyllis
Marygail, You will be in my thoughts & prayers. Please don't feel guilty about placing your husband, you metioned that you promised to care for him as long as you could, which you did. hugs, Kadee
Prayers are with you during this time that came so unexpectedly soon. Don't feel guilty; you were his caregiver and will continue to be even if it's in a different way. Each person has to make decisions best for their individual situation. Blessings to you and your family.
marigail, please use this time to take care of yourself. I know how lonely I will be if the time comes that I can't keep my husband at home, so I really feel for you. But you know that it is for the best.
Marygail, you are doing what you have always done...........you are being a great wife and caregiver by seeing to it that he has the best care available. Please don't be hard on your self. This is a tough road and I know from watching my grandmother, after losing my grandfather, how hard it is to lose "your Purpose". Keep up the good work. You can now enjoy your visits with him, resfreshed and rested. It will be much better this way. When you feel that you can't hang on, it's ok, we have got a good hold on you.
Marygail, my thoughts are with you tonight as I struggle to make the choice of placing my husband or continuing to try to take care of him here at home. He was in the hospital for 3 days in December and I still remember the horrible feeling of coming home to the empty house and climbing into my empty bed. I think he might adjust to a placement better than I would. Keep us informed as to how you are doing with it, and try to get some rest while you are at it.
Marygail: I've been where you are and, you're right, hardest thing I've ever done. But, Marygail, when we promise to take care of someone in sickness & in health, it does not mean that we have to do it all alone 24/7 in our own home until we drop. You are still taking care of him and you will find, as others have, that caregaiving is far from over just because someone else is doing some--or even most of it. You can still give him the most valuable care--your continuing love.
Marygail, you have not let your husband down by placing him. You have assured that he will continue to get all the care he needs at a point where clearly more than one person is required to get the job done. (((hugs)))
Oh Marygail, it's best for both of you. Me thinks you waited to long. I am now facing the same thing and am looking at the home I have chosen today. I hope to place DH before the end of this month. I will post my "saga" -- I am so guilty but I see how so many of us wait too long thinking we are doing good for our LO's. I have been told by two doctors to think about placement but until we had the profound experiences of Sat. & Thurs nights I didn't realize how much danger I was in. I have live-in help and even that wasn't enough. You did the right thing.
Marygail, What you have done is incredibly hard and I am sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. You are doing what a good spouse does!! Making the hard decisions that are needed to keep your husband as safe as possible. This kind of hard decision is an indication of the great love that you have for your DH. Please accept all of the (((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) and support that we all send your way. Sue
Marygail, I read your posting with much interest. I am very worried about the alone adjustment too. How do I fill my day? What will it feel like to be alone ALL THE TIME!!! We have spent so much time caring for them that we loose who we are. I have a close family of sisters and a brother. They are great and love my dh as much as I do. They keep close watch on me. One wants me to plan a vacation to Orlando in October but I don't know. We live so day to day. It's hard to think that far ahead. Please, keep writing. We are all here to hug and support you. We will be there when you need to cry, vent or laugh (humor will get all of us through this). You did the right thing, now take a breath and care a little about yourself.
When the "time comes" for a long term care facility Jim will be going to a Veteran's Home. The facility is wonderful, we are very lucky that it is so close. I have been told that I can bring our pets, grandchildren, pizza, etc, and spend as much time as I want. Yes, coming home to an empty house is hard, but we will come home tired and hopefully satisfied with a day well done. Jim has FTD and it is rapidly progressing. It may only be a year until that time comes.
Giving up is difficult. It is probably the most difficult thing I have ever done. My Dh did not go to a residence, but rather went to live with hi daughter and son in law. They are retired and he has some experience in caregiving. Unfortunately they live across the country from me. Since I have no family, and was no longer to deal with the anger and threats, there were two physical situations, as well.It was no longer safe for me to be alone with him. I am grateful that we had an alternative to placing him in a residence. The negative part id that I cannot visit with him.
Apparently the AD is progressing more rapidly now and there have been anger issues.However, having his son in law there, he seems to settle down more easily.He will stay with them until he can no longer look after his personal needs, bathroom etc,and at that time other arrangements will be made. He is comfortable and not distress about not being with me. I'm certain he no longer understood the concept of marriage and I was a familiar person who looked after him and annoyed him.
When I returned home from his daughters home, I rested for almost two weeks. But then I went into a very deep depression.Some of you may remember me and I am grateful for your help and advice. You advised that I see my doctor and that what I was experiencing was depression which could be helped with medication.I have been taking an antidepressant since September.It has certainly helped me to adjust.
It is not easy trying to find a new life. I know I can't continue to live in our home as it is too much for me to care for. I have major decisions to make but will just take my time. I spent four months in Mexico, where DH an I used to vacation. Everyone has been wonderfully understanding,but it is not easy to be a single among couple and I spend many hours alone.However, I am not lonely. THis summer I will visit familiar places and try to find a spot where I "fit in". I have no family but am fortunate to have good friends.
All this to say that it has been a very difficult experience. Initially I felt like a failure and guilty that I had betrayed DH. I'm beginning to realize that it was the right thing to do but continue to have my moments.
Thank you for your past support.These have to be the most difficult experiences we have to face and the most difficult decisions to make.
Anna, I remember you posting before you went to Mexico. I can't imagine how dificult this has been for you. I do hope you will continue to adjust and hopefully, the medications will help. You need not feel guilty, you did all you could, and this was the right thing at the right time. Hugs to you.
Me too, Anna. I am so glad you got some help during this difficult time and that you are feeling better. It is good you are taking your time to "settle" someplace. Maybe near close friends> I understand about the "couple" situation.
I remember you too, Anna. So glad you got some medical help with depression and glad to see you posting again. Your experiences can help others in your situation.
Anna, where did you stay in Mexico. I have thought about going there for a while. My DH was President of a major company in Mexico (before we were married) and he loved it so much. He still listens to news involving Mexico and their drug problems in the border cities. He lived in Monterrey and Mexico City for a total of twelve years before we married.
The Mexican people have such sympatico and are uplifting to us. We seriously considered moving to Lake Chapala near Guadalajara when we were married years ago, but just never got around to checking it out. I wish now we had. Maybe things would have been different.
I am in Puerto Vallarta. There is a large English speaking community here.I understand Chapala also has a wonderful ex patriot community .Also the prices are lower there as Vallarta is a tourist destination.
We hear about the drug situation as well, but mostly on CNN.There is little or no evidence of drugs or drug violence in our community.I'm certain it exists here in the same manner it exists in US and Canadian cities.
We are careful not to go into unsafe areas just as we do at home. Many have recently driven home to the US. I have not heard that anyone has had a problem.I expect those involved in drugs are not interested in harming tourists.
DH and I were fortunate in having spent many wonderful years vacationing in Vallarta. Yes the Mexican people are wonderful.
((Marygail)) Wrapping you in a huge tight hug!! ((hug)) I had to place Lynn 6 weeks ago. It was really fast for us too. That makes it even harder. You fight yourself, you finally know you HAVE to place him, are told 6 months to a year and bam!! We have a bed now. ACCCCK
You didn't mention how your DH is adjusting? Lynn did horrible the first two weeks, but now he is settled in. I say all the time, home- just isn't home any more!! It isn't, and I know you feel just as I have been. If you want to talk in private, my email is on my profile. Please know, as hard as it is on us, our loved ones NEED to be there. They are well taken care of and SAFE. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Nikki
nikki and everyone else, just got back from seeing dh, he kept asking to come home and i had to keep saying not yet they still need you here, how ironick he says don`t forget me when we were leaving, took the wind out of my sail today, think i will stay away tomorrow, need time to process this and i felt more guilty then the day he went in, he has medicaid so is fully covered what a blessing, place is nice can have parties with him, bring pets, grandkids just about anything, take him out if we want. He loves to walk around and talk with everyone,he looked much better than last night but would not get out of bed, hasn`t been eating much, nurse said only sweets, so they have been giving protein shakes and such, he wasn`t eating much at home either. The house is just a house right now but i had two teenage granddaughters stay last night so i wouldn`t be alone, his mother and father both lived in the same nursing home so alot of the workers know him from about 10 years ago. i am having a hard time with my words today, my thinking is not to clear, took me a long time to type this, thanks for the prayers,hugs ,and advice i will keep in touch, i still need you all, have alot of adjusting to do
Today was a tough day for me, as most of you know my wife was in stroke rehab. She became very ill this past Monday and had to be taken to the hospital. She was diagnosed with some sort of a Sepsis infection. The haven't been able to tell me exactly what it was only that they found yeast in her urine, a UTI I suppose. I was home from work yesterday with some sort of a flu bug, the hospital called me yesterday around noon and told me they were going to release her in a couple of hours. I knew they were going to release her in a couple of days, but never dreamed it would be yesterday. So I had to hustle down to the hospital and then over to the rehab center with clothes, etc and get her room set up.
Today she called me and wanted me come down and bring her home this afternoon. I explained that I was quite sick and didn't really feel like coming down, any way I went down and found her laying diagonally across the bed in a diaper and unable to stand alone, her memory was very bad. I know this may be related to the UTI and may clear up some in a few days. I hope so.
Her daughter took me down to the rehab center this afternoon because I was too sick to drive, she is a nurse and can sometimes reach her when I can't. I was asked to move out of the house, told we were control freaks, that we were denying her her freedom and that she didn't want to be in a nursing home. She is just in a situation where we can't care for her at home any longer and we have to turn over that care to someone else. It was so difficult to try to explain this to her, I know her reasoner is broken. But man, it sure adds a lot of stress to an already bad situation.
At this point we don't know where we are, her condition has changed so drastically in the last six weeks, they took her off of Aricept because of the stomach irritation. I hope they can continue with the stroke rehab, but she is back to square one now and will have to start all over again. There is some hope she may get through the UTI confusion in a few days.
I didn't mean to get so far of track with my own problems, but I do know how difficult it is to cross this threshold with your loved one. It is a heartbreaking situation to have to put them in a nursing facility and it seems to hit you when are the least prepared for it. I hope this only a another step in the stroke rehab process, but at this point I'm not very optimistic.
Mary Gail, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family, I know exactly what you are going through.
My problems seem so minor compared to Marygail's. Jimmy's, Anna's and Nikki's and others. I can't conceive as yet the emotions of having to have someone take over the care of my spouse! And not being able to care for him myself, or deal with the verbage that you all do/did. May you all find the extra strength necessary to help you through this! You are in my thoughts and prayers!
Anna, welcome back! I'm so glad to have heard from you and that you are doing better. Please check in often and keep us posted.
Jimmy i am sure your DW will recoup most of it once the uti is cleared. they slip significantly with this illness and it zaps them unlike any i have seen. its a dramatic change in my DH when hes recovered. take care of yourself too that virus is going round the country. DH had it last week and marys DH had it as well. have to let it get out of the system.
marygail you have our sincere hopes that your DH adjusts rapidly so you can find peace with his placement. once you see him adjusted things will be much easier to see ahead for yourself. it consumes the mind when our LO are not at their best. let us know how your'e doing. divvi anna me too. glad you are coping. divvi