My husband was diagnosed with MCI last summer and put on Aricept. He is some better. Lately, it seems like when we make love he has forgotten what I like or don't like. I'm getting so I really dread it because it hurts my feelings and reminds me of how different he is - and he's not even been diagnosed AD.
Welcome to my website. There are a lot of issues around sexuality and AD. We had many discussions on my old Message Boards concerning that topic. Since those boards were inefficient and disorganized, they are no longer used. I am hoping people will respond to this topic here on these Boards. Many people never saw the old boards.
Look on the left side of my website, and click on "previous blogs". Scroll down to # 9, 10, and 11. Those blogs are about sex and intimacy. Also, on the left side of the website, click onto Alzheimer's Articles of Interest. On that page, there is a main topic - Sex and Intimacy - you may want to read the articles listed.
This is the place to discuss marital issues and AD with compassion, dignity, and understanding. No one but a spouse dealing with this disease could possibly understand what is involved.
This was posted by a new reader - Rob 1937- It was under another topic, so I removed it from there, and put it here under the appropriate topic.
Hello, this is my first posting to this great site. I figured I would chime in on the topic from a males perspective. My wife was diagosed with AD in 2003 and it hasn't made an impact on our sex life yet. To start, I'm shocked that people are complaining about having to have sex once a week with their spouse. Men get excited very easy, a simple hug or cuddle that is out of the ordinary flips a switch that puts us in sex mode. If you have been married for a long time, you should know that a cuddling and other signs of affection could lead to sex, so if you don't want to offend your spouse don't do it.
If my wife came over to me on the couch and starting hugging me and rubbing my back or giving me kisses, I would think she wanted sex. If I started to show interest and try to touch her sexually, and she said "Why do you always think I want sex when I show affection." I would be pretty mad/frusterated.
If your spouse interprets affectionate touching as a signal for sex, don't do it!!! If he asks why you are never affectionate, tell him because when you are affectionate you assume I want sex.
Sorry for the long post, I started to think about more and more as I went along.
I think your advice is valid. This is what i do most of the time. I just don't initiate hugging, cuddling, etc... even though I miss it very much. But so many times, I don't have to do anything to cause a fight on this subject. Last night for example, I did not do anything to indicate in anyway that I might be interested in sex. I went to bed early, expressed how tired I was, etc... When my husband came to bed (btw his name is Robert too), he starts rubbing my back. I did not move. I did not want to make him mad, but I did not want to encourage him either. He does this for a few minutes and then his hand starts heading south. I finally have to let him know that I'm not interested and he gets mad.
I think for women - at least for me - it's more than just a physical thing. It is such a mental exercise for me. I have to really gear up for it. I have to be able to look past how he's changed - what I'm losing. I know exactly how "just thinking" feels. There have been times that I have cried through it because this is when I realize how much I miss my pre-AD husband.
Now that he is doing better, it is alot easier. So, for me, it's being able to get past my mental hangups about it.
Leighanne
oh yeah, welcome to the board. It really helps to have the male perspective on subjects like this. I appreciate your candor.
Even though M is in stage 6 and we are both in our 70's, she still likes some intimate time together at night. I have to take Viagra to make it happen. We also kiss, hug and pet frequently throughout the day for no particular reason. We just love each other very much and have for 42 years. Her medications keep her moods smooth. No scary ups and downs anymore. (repost by C from 23 Nov 2007)
He is interested, or at least says so...but just to think about it means facing that blankness in his eyes while attempting intimacy. They're like Little Orphan Annie eyes--those blank ovals from the old comic strip. It is impossible to do sex and maintain my therapeutic acceptance of his condition...conversing at his level, meeting my own emotional needs while being there for him. I have had to repress the part of me that enjoyed sex with the man he was. If I let her out, and she has to experience his absence once again, it's just too gut-wrenching. So if we manage it (levitra, timing, all that--rare,) it takes an almost "professional" neutrality on my part to manage. I would rather just not go there.
My husband lost interest in intamacy prior to diagnosis of AD. At that time I was upset that he would not discuss the issue or seek help.We continued on on as friends rather than lovers. Now, seven years after diagnosis, husband is very child like and I am more his Mom than his wife. I know I could never be intimate with the child living in my husband's body. Well, at least we don't have the intamacy issue to deal with.
I'm sure my DH wants and misses having sex with the frequency we used to have it. Often I think ok,I'll let it happen tonight and then after I do everything needed to do prior to bedtime, getting his pills, guiding him around, it's such a turn off. I have cried or cringed during sex as well. He doesn't notice. Now I just think it's just too much to ask of me. Being responsible for absolutely everything. I just can't have pity sex anymore. One more terribly sad thing that comes with this louse AD.
I am not turned off about the thought of having sex with my husband with AD. The thing that I have trouble with is that he doesn't focus long enough to stay interested or it seems too much of an effort for him. I think I need to do some reading about AD and intimacy. I think I could probably still get him to be interested if I knew some techniques to use to keep him focused. Joan, if you know any good articles on that, I would be glad to read up. I do understand everyone's feelings about not being interested when they have to play the parent role. I do have to do that too and it is annoying. I do miss those days when we were both adults. I do agree they tend to forget what their partner liked. Hang in there everyone. This is a tough one. I try to stay focused on how much he still loves me and I stay focused on how happy I am when he tells me that he loves me. I dread the day that he will forget to tell me.
My problem is opposite to most. I want to be intimate but he dose not. Maybe it is because I am so much younger????? I so miss the intimacy and I feel I am too young to be celibate...this is so unfair as I just want to be with him.
I hate this disease and the gutwrenching pain that comes with it. It seems particularly cruel where intimacy is concerned. Sometimes I feel like hell has opened up and swallowed me.
Look on the left side of the website, and click on Alzheimer's Articles of Interest. They are divided by topic. There is one on "love and marriage". Those are the only articles I was able to find that touched on the topics of sex and intimacy. It is another issue that is kept in the dark (no pun intended) and not discussed. I am glad we are able to talk about it here with honesty and dignity.
My husband just turned 55. He has had Alzheimer's and been unable to work for the past. 4 years. That's about the time we stopped having sex. Before that is was pretty horrible. It was like he didn't know what to do any more. It was both painful and awkward. We used to be so close but it got so the sex just made me feel sad and lonesome. Sometimes I cried through it and just hoped it would be over. Now he no longer has an interest in sex. He wants to hold my hand all the time. He even does that at night. He gets scared if I'm not around. He doesn't hold me, kiss me or even tell me he loves me anymore. I feel so lonesome. He's become more of my child than my husband. He spends 14 hours every day watching TV. If I suggest watching something else he gets very angry with me. All he wants to do is watch TV. If he sees anything at all sexual on tv he will giggle like a little kid. I will be 52 on Monday. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I know this is not his fault and I loved him so much. I still do but it's so very difficult. I feel like he lives in his own world and I live in mine.
Welcome to my website. Everyone here understands what you are going through. Please take some time to read the Previous Blog section on the left side of the website. You will find so much you can relate to - the loneliness; changing dynamics of the relationship from wife to mother; intimacy issues. Hopefully you can find some comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings.
my DH is 62 and has dementia and PD..I feel like he is a shell of the person he used to be. He has lost so much weight and is so frail and no muscle tone..I am so thankful to find that these turn off feelings that I have are normal. I am not sure I could even have sex if he was able. He has been impotent for about 12 years or so..one of the first signs of PD and actually had problems longer ago than that. So all this ccmes full circle as we look back and put the puzzle together.
Welcome to my website. One of the reasons I started this site was because no one ever talked about all the issues around marriage and AD, especially intimacy. You can feel comfortable here that everyone understands and has been in your shoes at sometime during this terrible AD journey.
Check out my "Previous Blogs" section on the left side of the website. There are 3 Blogs on sex and intimacy. Also, look in the Articles of Interest section for articles on AD and marriage.
krafty2511: The hards fact is that he does live in his own world and you live in yours. I often called myself a 'married widow' because I did not feel married. We ate together, slept in the same bed--but those things do not a marriage make. But the love was still there on both our parts, but it was hard to appreciate when he'd rage at me. Sex was so difficult, anything to avoid it, but I still wanted him. What an impossible life.
kraft211, My DH is 56 and I turn 51 next week. He is in stage 5, diagnosed 3 years ago. His little world is being immersed in music. He tells me how strong his brain is when he remembers lyrics from an old song. He really believes his brain is strong. He spends all day listening to music and will tell me how much work he is getting done. I'm happy he has this since nothing else is working for him. We had an excellent relationship and it's so hard to go from partner to caretaker. Hard part is also that he doesn't get it. I can't talk to him about it because it would make him so sad. I don't think he understands how much his personality has changed.
Thanks for your input Hildann and Bettyhere. I've thought about trying a support group but just can't seem to make myself do it. It just kind of seems like one more thing, if you know what I mean. I love my husband so much. We've been together since we were kids (17 and 20). The hard part is that if you don't look in his eyes he looks the same. His eyes are just vacant. That's the part that scares me. I guess sometimes I just wish we could have what we used to have for just an hour. He's here with me and yet I miss him so much. I never thought you could be with someone and yet be this lonely. I am glad that he has his TV as I do think it gives him comfort. At night I'll ask him if he had a good day and he'll tell me that he got a lot of his shows watched. I just miss having someone hug me or hold me. I'm glad he doesn't want sex anymore. I just couldn't imagine it at this point. I mean I button his shirt and put his belt on him every day among other things. He gets upset if I'm upset but other than that seems pretty happy at this point. I try not to show him when I am upset. I seem to spend a lot of time crying in the bathtub.
I changed my name before I wrote this because I'm embarrased and never thought this subject would come up.I'm very mixed up on this part of coping with the changes in our lives. Sometimes I wonder if I want to have sex just because I think I'm supposed to want it. I really don't feel like trying to instigate anything with my wife because she really seems vulnerable and that in itsself is a turn off. I love her very much, we have been married almost 39 years and I have never cheated on her. I find myself thinking about it now and then feeling guilty. There is nothing from her to make me feel desireable, no kissing, hugging up to me, no romantic evenings, not anything to make me feel like I'm still sexy to her. I do a lot of fantasizing about what it would be like with a woman again...maybe not even intercourse, just some passion and warmth and a little excitement. I pride myself on never cheating on her. Hope I can hold out.
Don't worry Bobcat, I think about it a lot too. Sometimes I use my imagination for escape and just to think about feelings I don't get to have. Normal.
Bobcat, I can sure understand what you're going through. I'm so stressed and worn out I don't even know if sex would be good anymore. I'm not even sure I remember how it works. I've been with my hubby for 34 years and he was my one and only. I don't even think I feel sexy anymore. Every once in awhile I do find myself wondering if there would be anyone else interested or I talk to somebody and wonder what it would be like. I'd never do anything because even with things the way they are with my hubby I still love him to much. Not that I even think he'd be aware of what was going on but I would know and that's enough. I guess I don't see how a little imagination can hurt though. We all need something to get us through.
For a while a few months ago my wife seemed to be initiating sex, but that seems to have stopped. In order to get her to take a shower, I have to go in with her, but it is all business. We still hug a lot, and she tells me often that she loves me and needs me. I agree with others that a little fantasy can help, as long as that is all it is. There is no way I would even consider looking for someone else.
My wife was diagnosed in '99. Her "progress" has been very slow, she is somewhere in mid stage now. We still have sex but it is not like it once was, as much because of age as Alz. We have been together since we were 16, and we are 70 now. Sex surely isn't the only thing that has bonded us through the years, but it is a factor and I dread the day when it is no longer possible. But for now, even on a limited basis, we continue. I am a loving husband by nature but not a caretaker, but I am learning. At some point all of this will crash around my ears, I fear.
I'm so glad for this topic and this site! Everyone in my support group is caring for a parent & not a spouse, so sex has never come up!
I had always thought the human sex drive was so innate that it would be one of the last things to go. Not so, it appears. My husband and I had 16 years of fantastic sex until about 8 mos. ago. I think it's the combo of drugs & his increasing lack of focus. He says he wants to but forgets he took the "blue" (viagra). Or he forgets what he's doing, how to do it, or what I like. It's very frustrating, so I don't even try to initiate it anymore.
We still touch, hug & kiss a lot and that helps, but I really do miss the actual sex! My favorite part of the day is when we can hold each other while sleeping. It makes me feel like we still have a "normal" relationship-- no care issues, no arguments, etc.
I know someday I'll have to "move on" (I'm quite a bit younger than my husband) but right now I don't see how I can live without him let alone think about another guy. Alas, it's all so sad...
I can so relate to several of these comments. My DH began to have problems about 10 yrs ago. At that time he was 75, and I was 55. It's probably been that long since we had sex. That was before he was dx, but it might have been the beginning. Anyway, everynow and then He'll say someting to me about having "a date" tonite. But I know, there's no such thing as a date, anymore. Bt the time we go to bed, fortunately, he has forgotten. Yes, I agree, at this point, with that awful scared, confused look on his face, we're just not anywhere near that place anymore. 10 yrs ago it really bothered me, and I had my personal funeral too, as someone above mentioned. And the lonliness when you're living with someone is just so hard. The other thing of course, is hygiene. At this point.... he's just not attractive to me sexually anymore. and we don't have a whole lot of hugging etc either. We sleep together, and eat together, but when he had surgery recently, and slept in another room, I was quite content. this "ain't " easy.
I have found relief that others have similar issues. My husband is 80 I am 58. He was dx about 2 yrs ago and put on Aricept. Sex is a problem because he wants it a lot, can't do it (even with Viagra), but still wants it. He is so not the man I fell in love with and married 10 years ago, I have a difficult time responding to him. He is so angry with frequent outbursts, this makes getting in the mood even more difficult. He also frequently massages himself anywhere; on the couch, in a chair. Is inappropriate sexual behavior common? He is still in early stages we think, though there are times when I see "the deer in the headlights look" and think is more advanced than the neurologist thinks. This journey is not easy.
Welcome to my website. Yes, it is a relief that we are able to discuss these issues here with dignity and respect. No one but a spouse could possibly understand.
And yes, inappropriate sexual behavior is common, as is your lack of desire for the man who is so different from the one you married. There is an excellent, comprehensive article on this topic in my "Articles of Interest" section on the left side of the website. Under "Love and Marriage", click on the article titled, "Intimacy, Marriage, and Alzheimer's Disease" by Rich O'Boyle. Also, in the "previous blog" section, click on #9,10,11, and 44. They deal with sexuality.
Let me know what you think of the O'Boyle article. I think it will answer all of your questions, and put you at ease to know that your issues are very common to all spouses.
Thank you for the O'Boyle article recommendation. It really made me feel much better about what is going on in my life. Articles like that help you keep your head above the water. The blogs were very interesting and so right on target. Really sorry to hear the desire for sex is one of the last things to go though. Again thanks.
I write a monthly AD column for Today's Senior Magazine. Those of you in No. Ca., Texas & parts of NV can find it at care facilities, retirement communities, etc. It's free. Their web site is on the left side of Joan's home page & has all their locations. It is coming soon to FL, etc. Articles are fact-based & laced w/my personal AD story, experience & observations. Before I read O'Boyle, etc, I had already sent in June's article about Sexuality, so I am printing it here, but in 2 parts, can't get it all in one post . Comments, pro/con, are appreciated. Betty Weiss
Some people may be surprised to hear that sex is a big issue with Alzheimer’s, whether caring for a spouse, parent or non-parent, whether the caregiving is in the home or a care facility. Many people, at any age, shun sex for their own personal reasons; medical conditions can prevent sexual activity; and suitable partners may be few and far between; but sex is a basic human condition and often stays with people as they continue to grow older.
If it is accurate that sex originates in the brain, then the damage that Alzheimer’s does to the brain can change things dramatically. Alzheimer’s is far more than a disease of forgetting. As it progresses, it is definitely a disease of regression and with a loss of inhibitions. Some patients forget appropriate public behavior and undress or fondle themselves. They may use vulgar words and act sexually aggressive toward family members and strangers. It is imperative that the caregiver remember that these behaviors are a symptom of the disease and not a reflection of the person’s character. Such behaviors, usually never seen before from the loved one, can greatly upset the caregiver. It is important then to get the support needed to deal with and understand these disturbing actions, even if it means seeing a counselor to cope with uncomfortable feelings.
Retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor recently let it be publicly known that her Alzheimer’s husband has fallen in love with a woman Alzheimer’s patient in the care facility where they both live. This is not uncommon and it happened to me. My husband took up with a woman in his facility. They were all over each other. I saw it and what I didn’t see, I was told. He did, however, introduce her to everyone as ‘My wife, Betty Lee,’ and when I went to visit, I didn’t think that he really knew what my place was in his life anymore—much less hers. She would bang on the door to his room to be let and when staff told her, ‘he’s married,’ she’d yell, ‘no, he’s mine.’ She went so far as to pull him away from my arm, but what was I to do?
Staff said they would keep them apart, they’d seen it all before many times. But I said leave them alone. They are both demented, they don’t understand that they are doing something inappropriate. Besides, if my husband was getting individual affection and attention, I was happy for him. His life was otherwise barren enough. Many asked how I could stand it, wasn’t I jealous, maybe I should scratch her eyes out! The hard truth is that the man who walked with this woman hadn’t been my husband for many years. Oh, God, yes, I still loved him with all my heart and soul, and in his way, I know he still loved his wife, Betty Lee.
I had long ago learned that Alzheimer’s controlled both of us; I would do whatever was necessary to keep our lives as calm and serene as possible. If it wasn’t this woman, it would be someone else; he was looking for comfort and affection in a tormented life. How could that be wrong when I was no longer around to offer it? If he couldn’t open a window, dress himself, find the bathroom--he certainly didn’t know about marriage vows and being faithful. I was also told that at night, my husband would take off all his clothes and walk the halls stark naked! Fortunately, I never had to respond to that!
At this time there was a man who came to visit his wife, another patient, three times a week for conjugal visits. I didn’t know the woman, had no idea if she was agreeable or not. Was he satisfying his needs without regard to hers, or was she eager to be with him and enjoyed their time together knowing that she was loved? I found that knowledge a bit unsettling and could never put it into a comfortable context.
But I do know that marital love can easily go from passion to platonic when your spouse has Alzheimer’s. The eternal misunderstandings, arguments, frustrations and physical exhaustion of the caregiving spouse will cause intimacy to vanish. And male or female, changing your loved ones diapers will put off the most ardent
Wives complain that their previously sexy husbands have become clumsy, inept, forgetful and don’t seem to be ‘there’ in the moment. Husbands complain that wives have become so childlike that they feel as if they are raping a child. How do you have intimacy with a man who calls you ‘Mommy’ or a woman playing with dolls? For most caregivers, the love and years of building a life together does not die but keeps them even closer to their spouse as time goes on. They never neglect the care of their mate, but life as a husband or wife as they knew it, the partnership, is forever gone.
Before my husband got Alzheimer’s and even afterwards, I met spouses who had on-going relationships with others, and I wondered how they could manage that. I even had people tell me I should start to date again. Not easy to do when every moment was devoted to caring for my husband. I had neither the time nor the energy! I used to call myself a ‘married widow,’ living in limbo. Once a man showed interest in me, asked if I was married, and I said ‘yes, I am.’ But inside I was thinking, ‘I don’t know if I’m married or not anymore, vows and a piece of paper do not a marriage make.’
As with anything in life, we must make our own decisions. In the years I lived with Alzheimer’s and have written about it, I think I have heard all the pros the cons, the ‘for better or worse,’ arguments, ‘til death do us part,’ etc. But what do you do when the marriage itself has died? And Alzheimer’s changes marriage to the point that it is unrecognizable.
Sex, of course, is only one part of life and marriage, but for many, it does loom heavy. It’s another case of your having to walk in someone else’s moccasins before you fully understand and make a judgment. (Sexuality Part 2 will appear next month with comments about the non-spousal patient.)
Hello, I am new here and very glad I found this site. Finding out I am not alone is a great relief. My husband has been diagnosed with early stage alzheimers. Shortly before this we found out he has CHF and diabetic. Had open heart surgery in November 2007 and finally got a defibulator in April 2008. Has only 10% of his heart working and on many meds. We had always had a very active sex life. But looking back now for about a year before the heart diagnosis he was having problems. Now it is all he thinks about, still cannot do it but wants it. So desperate he made an appointment with a urologist - has never made a doctors appoinment in 31 years of marriage. But he is telling everyone in great detail about his desires, frustration and some of the things the urologist may try. One daughter was so upset she will not come to the house if he is home by himself. I love him so much and I feel so helpless and tired. I don't think the urologist will be able to do anything for him because of his heart condition and he is going to be so frustrated. thanks for listening.
So sorry, gafs, for what brings you here, but very glad you found this site. You will no doubt soon find that whatever you experience someone else has been through. It is so comforting to know we are not alone. In my case my husband loss all interest in sex years ago, well before his Dx. but that is not the case for others. It must be very dificult to have to deal with heightened sexual urges on top of everything else... Perhaps hearing from others will help
I can relate to the loss of sexuality too - i can remember the last time to the date we had sex and then it was over, just like that he kind of just didnt think about it much again. i can also say prior to the AD due to blood pressure meds etc he had a penile inplant which was fine while the marriage was in good shape. thankfully, now he doest remember how to work it anymore so i dont have to deal with this part of it anymore. :) its a relief in some ways but when the spouse is still young, giving up your own sexuality can be quite grueling-i hope i dont have regrets as i age. Divvi
Edit Edit Edit LOL I wasn't sure if I should put this in bathing, or here? I figured here would be better. Hmmmm, I have been told nothing is taboo, but that doesn't mean it is easier to ask.... But here goes...
I have a different problem. My husband hates and refuses to bathe. I did try to get in with him but this brought on a new set of problems. When Lynn sees me in the shower, he has a reaction, and this brings on a new problem. I just don't know how to say this, so I will blurt it out.... This just frustrates him more and makes him angry. So I try to avoid it. I tried wearing a bathing suit, and even a dress!! but to no avail , it triggered a reaction.
Don't worry about bringing up this subject. It is one of the "unique" issues of spouses. I do monitor the posts, and if anything innappropriate is written, I do delte it, but I can assure you, if the situation is discussed with respect and dignity, it is allowed, and you WILL get answers.
I'm not sure if you're talking about the problem that Viagra and those meds. can help or if it is the problem of starting, and not being able to finish, i.e.- "no end game", which happens to be much more common than you (or I ) realized. Remember, a lot of people e-mail me, but do not post, so I "hear" more than is revealed on this board. Even though much is revealed here.
The causes for "no end game" - the technical term is "anorgasmic" are multiple, but whatever the problem, I can assure you, many men and women would prefer just the closeness of touching and whatever else is in their sexual repetoire than nothing.
I welcome comments and suggestions to Nikki's post, but please remember to keep your comments in appropriate language, because my contract with my host server is strict on what they consider "pornography". This subject is serious, extremely important to most spouses, and should be discussed. Where else are you going to be honest and get honest answers to these spousal issues but here?
I have read that alot of meds list this specific condition on their side effects lists. i know some of my DH meds do anyway-his bladder meds esp and or the anticonvulsant. i can see where it would be an uncomfortable situation for you Nikki - but i am sure you arent alone in this -some spouses say they try to avoid any sequences that could trigger this reaction. you may want to talk to his dr about it, and see if he has any options for you. i hate to see this happen especially to the younger couples, divvi
My DH is 85 and he 'forgets' that he can't and hasn't been able to have sex for quite a long time. Even using Viagra, it wasn't possible. I believe that was pre AD. Anyway, every now and again he will say someting to me about getting together. Funny, he had a UTI, and told me that was why he hasn't approached me lately. Now he has been impotant for 10 years, but now he tells me it's because of the UTI (not using those terms of course) So I guess he hasn't regressed to being 5 yrs old yet.
I miss sexual intimacy with my husband. It was such a source of joy for both of us. Sex is very difficult for me now as it is yet another things I have to take care of - and I can’t. It is a part of me that I won’t let AD ruin the joy of. I can’t do the lovemaking for both of us the way I do almost everything else. I can’t, without giving more of myself away. I have not been able to find a way to do so and so I won't.
We daily touch and cuddle, snuggle and such. We both love the physical contact and comfort. Sex is something we both treasure - and remember as part of what once was.
Nikki, my husband has had the same problem. It started before he developed AD. His doctor suggested viagra, but he was resistant to the idea. So we simply use other techniques to obtain satisfaction -- manual stimulation, that sort of thing. I make it clear to him that I love expressing my affection for him, in whatever form, and he seems very comfortable with it. You may want to consult with a counselor who specializes in physical intimacy, on what might be best in your particular situation. Or buy some ... ah ... self-help books or "how to" videos.
This has got to be the hardest post I’ve ever written on Joan’s. I do it for two reasons: maybe it will help me to get it out of my head and maybe it will help somebody else going through the same thing. I am sick of the dirty old man I live with.
Our sex life was always an area that we both cherished. We enjoyed it and rejoiced about it in spite of an age difference of 12 years. Except for the last few years when vascular disease took its toll, it was wonderful, and even then we managed to pleasure one another. He was a tender and skillful lover and so was I.
Now with dementia we have gone through periods of much stress and strain. Due to the initial behavioral changes in him I started to recoil from his advances. It was no longer about expressing our love for one another; it was about physical gratification for him. Left me totally cold. I stopped making advances because I knew they would be met with hard, cold groping. I quit responding to his touch because it was no longer about “us” but just “his wants.”
We have not made love for probably two years. I’m okay with that: I just chalk it up as another loss in my life – you all know: there are many that come with dementia.
But lately he has become a leering old fool for lack of a better way to describe it. I am fully aware that people of all ages and ability remain sexual beings. I find that beautiful about the way we were designed. But I cannot abide the way he leers at me and gropes at my body.
I remember the casual way we lived after the kids all left home. Nudity or partial dress was a comfort zone we shared. Now I cover my body at all times when he is awake. I would love to run through the house naked just because of the self-consciousness that has overtaken my former comfort with my body.
Tonight I was dressed in my nightgown – a perfectly modest affair but a nightgown nevertheless. I made the mistake of not covering up completely when I went to administer his multitude of evening eye drops and he was looking at me with this horrid leer and after the last rx groped me. It was all I could do not to scream.
I would not consider his usual behavior to be of the hypersexual type described as a symptom of some dementias but it is awful for me nonetheless. I redirect, I avoid, and I internally recoil.
How awful is this disease that it takes away even bodily comfort zones for the caregiver and turns a formerly loving spouse into a lecherous old man.
I'm glad you were able to write this--to get it outside of yourself. I cannot say my DH became a 'dirty old man' but the distance was there between us, and for a long time I never knew why. I wanted to be with him, but when the time came, it was as if he wasn't really there--can't explain it more than that. I look back and feel bad for both of us. But we are human creatures, we can only accept and tolerate so much. We do the best we can, no one can expect more, and we do understand. It's good for you and everyone else that you wrote so honestly about it.
What you said Betty--he's not really there. That's why I can't do it. There's no understanding, no chance of Vulcan mind-meld. I was feeling like a professional, because I was strictly providing a service with no emotional connection.