The driving issue has not been too difficult for us. I started getting my keys out and driving everywhere we went. DH rarely went anywhere without me. I think he forgot how to get places. The last time he drove was to the Y about a block from our home. When he came in, I was surprised as he had told me he did not want to go. I asked him how he got there and he said I think I drove. We left together. He could not remember where the car was or if he had driven at all. We finally found it, drove home and I told him I thought he should not drive anymore. I think he was relieved, finally he had a reason not to drive. At our Alzheimer's group for early stage people he told them he stopped driving because of what I said. He was always a good driver, never had an accident. I think you must be with your wife when she is driving and you feel that makes it safe. I believe you are wrong and you would be doing her a favor to take the responsibility away from her. It is your responsibility if someone, an innocent bystander, gets killed.
Frank said, "Try loving someone who hates you and criticises every aspect of life"..
Ya don't think we understand that? Ya don't think we've been told to "pack our bags and get out" more than once. Even if we know (and I HATE being told this)....that it is the Disease talking... It hurts just as bad. Being told they hate us, they want a divorce, and having the plate of dinner we just prepared thrown across the room because "it wasn't just right"... These things usually happen to all of us at one time or the other. Bedammed If I am going to give them the car keys ... when this happens.
Care faciities, support groups and psychologists always encourage caregivers to "divert" the subject for a while and our loved ones will usually forget. You hear this word again and again as you get with other caregivers. DIVERT their attention away from what they wanted to do, and they'll forget. Have you gone to any meetings or...off by yourself, visited Care Facilities and observed the patients who are in earlier stages of the disease. I did and that is when I realized that he was - indeed - changed by the disease. I could see it much better in other patients.
and lets not forget 'reckless endangerment'charges that could apply to a spouse who knowingly allows a demented- cognitively impaired spouse access to drive- and thus endangers an innocent in their path. this could imply fines/ incarceration time. divvi
I figured my wife had at least another year of driving in her so I decided for Xmas to buy her, her dream car she always wanted a convertible so I bought a Porsche Boxster S . She fell in love with it. She was afraid to drive it home so I drove it home from the dealer. The next day she wanted me to go with her on her first drive. When ever we go any where I always drive, she has been going to the store in her old car and has not had a wreck. I assumed everything was ok. When she gets into the new car she asked me where the gas pedal was.
I knew I was in trouble then. The Porcshe controls are all very different than her old car. I showed her where the pedal were and we went for a drive. She could not keep the car in her lane, on a turn she would cross the yellow line. On the straight road she would run off the road on the gravel shoulder. After 3 drives I told, she could not drive any more
If you look up thread, waaay up thread, you will see our driving story, including the visit from the nice policeman when he tried to kill me when I took away the keys after the doctor had told him not to drive. So yes, if it is time for them to stop, it is time for them to stop. But for the 4 years before that I was in the car with him all of the time he was driving. Sometimes he had trouble finding where he wanted to go, but he never had trouble coming back home no matter how far away we went. And he was still a pretty good driver when I took those keys away; it was just time to do it at that point.
But really. One of the things that has begun to happen is early detection. Someone in stage 2 or 3 is perfectly capable of driving. Mostly we don't even start looking for a diagnosis until stages 4 and 5.
When my husband had his really bad accident that totaled the car, that was the CAUSE of his dementia, not the results of it. He has an event driven cardio-vascular dementia. It is possible that he had a very mild case of dementia at that point as a result of a 9 hour heart surgery some 12 or 13 years before the accident, but if he did, he was at a stage 2 or stage 3 point and driving was perfectly acceptable.
I don't know what stage the LO of the person who started this part of the thread is at. Maybe driving is reasonable. Maybe it isn't.
Frank--You mentioned you want to find a switch to install in your car--the one I had installed is called a kill switch. I had it done for $65 at a place that installs car sound systems--I called around and they gave me the best price. It took about 1/2 hour for them to do it--it's hidden under the dash--a toggle switch--that I can flip and it disables the car. Very simple.
When I read your first post on this thread, something just didn't ring true. I just saw that you had posted on another thread that you like to "play the devil's advocate". Now it all makes sense. I think you will find when you participate in this website a little longer, if you have concerns, you can just come out and state them. There are some pretty sharp cookies here who can give you great advice on just about any situation--it's not necessary to do any more than pose your issue in a straightforward way, and you will get some good responses.
Please log onto my homepage, www.thealzheimerspouse.com, and click on "previous blogs" on the left hand side. Scroll down and read # 231, 248, 261, 262, 323, and 353, for just a SAMPLING of what the driving issue has done to the mental and emotional health of both my husband and me. It has just about destroyed our marriage. It is the most painful and horrendous blow Alzheimer's Disease has dealt the both of us. Only an anti-depressant and an anti-rage drug (twice a day) for him and an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety drug for me has allowed us to live through this horror.
DH has not driven for over a year. Today, and other times, while I am driving and signaled a left turn, he told me to GO then the light was green. He cannot interpet the fact that cars were coming at us and we were to wait until we had the green arrow. This situation was one of his earliest problems with his own driving. I was riding with him when he started turning accross oncoming traffic. I screamed at him and as soon as we got off the road, I took over the wheel and told him I was never riding with him again. With the help of his neuro we ended his driving shortly. He has not caused much of a fuss.
If you are in early stages and still letting the AD spouse drive, watch for this type of situation with the lights.
The boys used to tease their Dad's "Feely-Touchy Driving Method". All four bumpers on his ML350 were scratched and dented. He loved his car and since no one drove it but him, he coundn't deny their teasing. He hated not being able to drive when the doctor suggested it,....and would come ask me if he could "just drive down to the corner drug store". A few times I said OK in the early days... (4 years ago)... but one day I found a scratch on my car bumper. He said, "I must have done that!". He never asked to drive my car again. (Son had bought his car earlier)
It's not just lights to watch for. Look for problems maintaining position in the lane--it's hard to be calm when it appears that the mailboxes along the road are going to join you in the passenger's seat. Also, watch for problems hitting curbs when cornering and not slowing enough when cornering. It's a heart stopper when the speed/distance of an oncoming car isn't gauged correctly and your LO turns in front of it. Just a few clues.
Same here. We were stopped by police more than once about driving in the middle of our two lanes. He thought it was OK if there weren't other cars behind us. It was a never ending argument between us.
It was a standing joke at our house for years that Daddy and Granddaddy always like to drive in the middle of the road. He'd just laugh and say if something happened he had two choices about where to go. He hasn't driven in years but he always wanted to renew his driver's license. This year he decided not to. Several weeks ago he said he was going to buy a new car. I told him you can't drive because you don't have a license. His answer, well, I am going to buy the car and go to the courthouse and explain to them that I didn't renew because I didn't think I could drive safely and I might hurt somebody, There's your sign
Bama, your story reminds me of a co-worker who got a speeding ticket driving home from an office farewell party at a local Mexican Restaurant. (Pitchers of Margaritas on every table). He was going to protest the speeding ticket on the grounds that he had been drinking and when he drinks alcohol, he deliberately drives below the speed limit !!
I guess we were fortunate that our neurologist after diagnosing my DH with AD, told us she had to notify the DMV. This took the burden and anger away from me. My DH took the written test and failed as he could not respond to the answers. I think taking the DL away from a man hurts his manhood. Maybe that's why so many older people get so angry with their children who take away the car keys. If you can get a 3rd party to be the bad guy, that would be great. My DH had been driving side streets and going about 30 MPH because he could not drive well. I was afraid he was going to get into an accident or kill someone. We are not doing them a favor by giving them the keys. Funny I was looking forward to my DH doing all of the driving as I did not care to drive and he loved it. Things change.
I guess I've been very lucky on this issue so far. I haven't actually told my husband he cannot drive but everytime we go anywhere I just say I'll drive and so far he as agreed with it. I'm waiting for the day that it dawns on him that he hasn't been allowed to drive. I'm hoping it won't come up before his license expires which is next year. Then he will have to just get a state id. That may be a problem.
Deb, I was just thinking about your post. If you still live at the same address, couldn't his license be his State ID, picture and all. He won't be keeping up with expiration dates a year from now, I don't believe. (??) I don't plan to change a thing when my husbands Drivers License expires. It has his name, address, picture..etc. on it. I'm just going to let it be. That's one battle I don't plan to fight. My DH is much further along than yours, more than likely, so more than likely the issue will be different.
I'll have to check into that and see if his expired license could be used as an ID. As you need an ID when you go to the hospital for tests, etc, I'm not sure they would accept an expired one. Also, if/when we travel (wishful thinking here), I know they check the expiration date on the ID as the last time we traveled my license was set to expire in 2 weeks and the agent remarked on it. It would be a whole lot easier if he could just continue to use the one he has.
Yes, it has to be current if you need to use it as an i.d. My mom has gave up driving years ago so did not renew her driver's license. When she went to cash in a cd at the bank, they insisted she have current i.d. first. PatB
My DH stopped driving when the Neurologist told he absolutely could not drive any more (I thought he was still doing fine) The N told him if he even Thought he was still driving at all he could and would call the DMV and have the license pulled. He never drove again. Think that has been maybe 2 years ago. Not sure. Anyway when it came time to renew his license he insisted on doing it "just for the ID" I couldn't talk him out of it so I took him to the DMV. The lady at the counter started asking him basic questions about his address and phone number. When he couldn't answer, but kept looking at me, she finally asked him if he wanted to surrender his license or if she had to revoke it. He gave it up. In WA one can get a state ID that looks almost the same as a license. That works just as well as a DL and doesn't expire. And DH is happy.
DH's lixcense was set to expire about a month after he was relesed from the hospital after Dx. I suggested, thatr sinc e he had a lot of recovery to do before he could get tested to get his license again(per doctors), let's justr trade it in for a State ID. Went through the "I want to be tested. I can drive" phase. Got lucky because his test was in 3 parts, and since he didn't pass the Medical Report part, there was no sense to doing the rest and so it didn't cost us anything. Because he didn't have an active license, he would have had the hand/eye, coordination, etc., part and then a road test if he'd passed the first part. All 3 parts have to be passed to be allowed to do the renewal process. Michigan.
Mystery to me was: the Dr. would not tell him he couldn't drive, but would write the referral for the testing and then write the medical report he knew would prevent him driving. Either didn't want to be perceived as the bad guy or was CYAing.
Most places that issue driver's licenses will issue ID cards that have the picture, address, date of birth, etc. that can be used at banks, hospitals, etc.
We had to turn in his DL into the DMV when my HD got his ID. I worry about anyone that should not be driving - they could take off without you knowing it. Better to bite the bullet and get it over with than take the chance.
I called the Secretary of State after my husband was declard legally blind and had three accidents in succesion very close together to say that he was legally blind and told them I was afraid I would get sued or that he would hurt me or someone else driving that way. Then his eye doctor reported to the secretary of state after I expressed my concerns to him because they have to in Michigan. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but I didn't want to had everything I'd ever worked for taken away and at that point he had not hurt anyone, only 3 cars. He had been a cab dirver in the past and was fiercely independent. After that they called him in to SOS (DMv) to give him an eye test (and checked his driving record) and he failed the eye test he had to give them his license right there. They told him that in order to get it back he'd have to pass the test and not just by them but by an eye doctor. Of course that didn't happen because he was legally blind. It broke my heart but I had to do it. From then on he never drove because he knew it was the right thing. He tried to convince me to help him get it back but I just explained to him that the police would put him in jail if he drove because I would tell them if he did drive. To this day he tells everyone that he would rather have lost hearing and speaking than driving but on some level he knew it was the right thing to do. Giving up ones indepence is very hard I'm sure, and I had to hear about it for a LONG time but cars can be replace and people can't.
I waited until DH was asleep. Got his wallet and called his PCP's office. I left his driver's license No. on the voice mail. About a wek later DH receives a letter from the DOL telling him he had to come in and have his driving skills retested. He got angry and yelled around for 3-4 days. Then had our youngest son take him to the DOL andhe turned in his license. He rarely mentions it any more. This was lasat August.
I sold his pickup quickly. I turned my own license in last Friday at the DOL because is is no longer safe for me to drive with my vision in the condition it is. Better safe than sorry. I ended up giving my little red car to the church in lieu of tything.
So, this is just another aspect of life. Grandsons get their license. Grandparents have to give their up. Life/Time marches on.
I drove for over 50 years and only received one ticket. I was ticketed for driving too slow. Go figure!
Oh Mawzy, I'm so sorry. My DH had his license taken away a year ago by his new neuro. It had been mentioned by his old neuro, but he didn't follow thru. DH didn't have an outward problem with it, he just said "oh well" and for the first month asked repeatedly that when he was cured, could he have it back? I'm sorry you had to voluntarily surrender yours as well. I also donated Dave's pickup to charity. I guess some good has to some of it, right? Hang in here, girl! ~Di
Oh, I'm hanging on, all right. I just hope the knot doesn't come undone! ::)) I have a feeling things are going to workout okay. I just wish he'd talk to me. This has been going on for over a week now. He isn't doing any talking at all except to say good night or where have you been. He can tgalk. He just doesn't. I'm getting kind of lonesome.
They can get very inventive. After accidents with all three of our vehicles( plus a large sign post), I thought I had convinced G his driving days were completely over..he was upset, but agreed. A few days ago he wanted the truck keys as he was taking the truck to the park for a dog walk! He had called our insurance company, and they said he was covered. "Did you mention you had dementia?" Oh...back to square one again. Keys still long hidden and back to agreement..for now.
Just back to the License subject for a second, they would not accept DH's expired license at the airport, however, I had his VA card with us, and that was accepted. On other occasions I have used his passport, but the VA card is more convenient.
Why not get him a State ID? They are accepted as valid ID and less hassle than using alternative documents. They are not hard to get and are easy to keep current. Expired licenses are not valid legalID.
My new ID card came today. What a great picture (:) Big smile. I was grinning through my tears. Boy, did I hate to give up that license. Oh, well....Does anyone here remember the old RKO newsreel we saw at the movies prior to TV--Time Marches On. Am I the only one. That's the way I'm feeling now. Time marches on. Life marches on and if I don't march with it, I'll get left behind for sure.
Well, he really doesn't know that he doesn't have a driver's license. he thinks I'm doing all the driving because I need the practice and he helps me by telling me when I should brake, or when I'm too close to the line (grin). We've been doing this for almost a year now, eversince his license showed up missing one day. (wonder where it went). So I said, Oh that's OK honey, while we wait for your new license to arrive, I'll drive, I need the practice. Listen, you do what you must.
OK, that was over a month ago. today, I'm planning to go to the state police headquarters to see if I can get help. he's becoming angry, accusing me of taking his stuff, and insisting on driving. I can't let him.
police will do nothing. I must have the doctor send the notice to Albany in order to have it revoked. Going to forward form email right now. wish me luck.
chris-ready for a laugh. Bill's doc sent the forms to the Fl DMV. They sent the follow up forms directly to my husband who dutifully filled them out as he saw fit. Luckily I caught them befoew he mailed them back.
chris r, maybe you and I can "hold hands" while we tackle this driving issue together. This is the first time I've visited this topic on the board and have yet to go back and read them all from the beginning..but will do so.
We are also "fighting" about driving. His neuro told us over 2 years ago that he should not be driving and I have not ridden with him in well over 2 years but he's been driving a little bit. We now have 3 doctors who have said no driving yet DH still fights me about it. I thought I was very clever in taking care of the situation in a non-confrontational way by anticipating his every need since he only drove to the bank for cash or the corner store for cigarettes and he does not complain about me doing the driving when we go someplace together. For over 6 weeks I have stopped at the bank to get him cash as needed and the "cigarette fairy" has magically dropped a fresh pack each morning by his chair in the garage. Well, this past weekend before I woke he went to the bank and the donut store. I'm sure the only way he managed them is they both have drive-up windows. The last time he drove to the corner store for cigarettes I was not at home and only learned many hours later that he had fallen in the parking lot when he just happened to mention that his hip was sore. So I am now waiting for him to take the keys out of his jeans pocket and I shall remove the car key and deal with the situation when he notices it. (He sleeps in his clothes -- don't ask! -- so it may take a few days for me to get my hands on the key.)
Having the license revoked didn't work. Bill couldn't be convinced the the DMV id card issued was not a drivers, license. When he took off for parts unknown for over 24 hours I knew I had to do something. With a friend's help we took Bill's car to "the shop" for repairs. I sold both of our cars (at a loss) and came back with a new and unfamiliar one. Would you believe that the new cars only come with one ignition key :-)? I hid the other key so well I forgot where I put it. I just about slept with the other one. He came up with all too many reasons why he needed a key. Don't know how many times he tried to use our house key. The battle continued for a while but I did what I had to do.