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    • CommentAuthorjimmy
    • CommentTimeDec 17th 2008 edited
     
    The driving issue reared it's ugly head at my house again yesterday. My ADLO decided she was tired of staying home and decided she was going to buy her a car. She even called the car dealer to see what they had ro sell her. I had to sit her down and try to reason with her, but i just ending up telling her we weren't going to buy another car and she wasn't going to buy another car. I tried to explain to her that she wouldn't be insurable because of the medications she was taking. I'm not sure she grasped that information. I will have to call our salesman at the car dealer this morning and explain the situation to him. I'm sure he will cooperate with me.

    She created quite a fuss with both the daughter and I as she thinks we are conspiring with her Neurologist to control her. I increased her Seroquel dose slightly last night and again this morning. Hopefully this will help the situation. I am sure she is suffering some holiday related stress and depression. I know this is a tough time of the year for her. She has not be able to do the things she usually does during the holidays. This has been bothering her.

    She was concerned that I had let her driver's license expire, I know it hasn't because she hasn't received any renewal notice. If it was going to expire we would have received the notice last month. When the time comes we will get an state ID card. Hospitals require a picture ID for admittance.
    • CommentAuthorPatB
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2008 edited
     
    My DH has not been allowed (by me) to drive for about a year. Last month, he decided he needed to drive some where. So far I have heard about 5 different reasons on 5 different occasions. I found out about this when he grabbed my purse while we were eating out. There had been some signs that something was up, so I wasn't surprised over some action, but didn't expect this. We "wrestled" over my purse for a few moments. (I won). Then we sat down and finished breakfast.

    Afterward, I dropped my DS off at school (grad student). Normally he sits in the front seat when we are all in the car (car sickness and migraine reasons) and DH sits behind him, with child locks on the back doors (he has gotten out of car too quickly at a few stops and we had a car accident). Usually, my son lets him out at that point and he moves to the front seat. This time we agreed in whispers not to. I drove to the psych ER, telling DH we would go talk to his psychiatrist, who worked there. After I parked, turned off ignition and removed the car keys, DH reached forward and grabbed them out of my hand. At this point, he can't open car door and I can't go anywhere for fear of him driving off. So, I called the desk inside and explained. A security guard and nurse came out. Eventually, the security guard talked him into going inside, and his doctor convinced him to come into the exam area. The guard then came out and told me DH had given him the keys, but he promised not to give them to me without his (DH) permission. He held them up and I saw they were DH's keys, not mine (so they only unlock, not start car) I told the guard DH wasn't stupid, he just had dementia.

    The car keys are always locked up at home. Like a lot of things with AD, I hadn't anticipated this. Once again, I learned of another need for precaution. I'm not sure the driving issue ever ends.

    PatB
    • CommentAuthorSunshyne
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2008
     
    PatB, what a cool head you have on your shoulders.
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2008
     
    This is the same reason i always have DH ride in the back seat with seatbelt and child locks in place. so he cant get to me while i am driving or the keys or open the door on the freeway as he has in the past!! geez, no it NEVER ends apparently even in late stages they can be buggers about the driving. keys seem to remind them of driving so i keep all keys out of sight even in the house. Divvi
    • CommentAuthorDee
    • CommentTimeMar 5th 2009
     
    The driving issue is rearing its ugly head here. My husband has gotten lost twice - both times he was to visit someone right here in our community. The first time he returned after 45 minutes, never having reached his destination. A week later I left written directions: Make a left out of the driveway and then the second right. Our friend called & said he never arrived. I phoned 911. Police came to our home, sent out a silver alert. More than four hours later I rec'd a call that he was located 60 miles away in another county! Had to ask a neighbor to drive me there and pick him up at the police station. I expected him to be quite contritious but, as I should have realized, he has no recollection of the event. Then a letter arrived with a photo of our license plate stating that he went through a toll without paying. His reaction was that I should be more careful when I drive. I told him he could never again drive alone. A few days later he took off in a huff. I immediately phoned 911. He did return in half an hour. The sheriff's dept sent out the same deputy who had been here earlier. He tried to explain to him why he shouldn't be driving. I was impressed with his explanation but but he forgot that my husband's reasoning button is gone. After he left my husband commented that he was a very nice man but he didn't need to mediate between us! The deputy said he would fill out paperwork for the DMV test. Hope to hear from them soon. I still can't get him to stop driving. He wrestles the keys out of my hand when I try to drive. I've read most of the comments above and realize what a liability it is but don't know what to do. It's a very emotional issue.
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeMar 5th 2009
     
    Dee can you call your insur agent and explain and see what their suggestion is? you might want to tell him your insurance agent is going to cancel him off the insurance and he wont be able to drive? or ask him to get that driving test thru the insur agent's request? its quite the dilemma isnt it as you see from all the above! divvi
    • CommentAuthorRk
    • CommentTimeMar 5th 2009
     
    Dee, one thing that worked for me was Dh was sooooooooo concerned that he would hurt someone else such as our granddaughter, so easy breezy he's been a doll about it. He does make comments every once in a while like I can drive and I tell him, I am sure you can but it would break your heart if you hurt someone! I know when my MIL had issues with my FIL she just locked up the keys, every once in awhile she would find him sitting in the car pretend driving (according to him he was staying in practice!) Any way, locking the keys up kept him from taking off. You are going to have to take desperate measures at this point. You don't want him lost for days or not found at all. We have one here in Colorado that has never been found. His car and jeans have been found but he's been gone for years. I know that it's hard to control the uncontrollable but I think you will find you have to at this point. Best of Luck! Rk
  1.  
    Sorry ladies-but the reason button is as gone as the memory. The fact that they are not insured, no longer have a license or could injure someone doesn't matter. I had to "steal" my husband's car, take both to a dealership and trade for a new unfamiliar one. Strangely it only came with one ignition key (we do get good at fibbing,, don't we). This key I kept well hidden. Hubby tried every key in the house to start the car. Eventually he gave up-but not without a long, hard fight.
  2.  
    A different Car!!! That's brilliant, Bluedaze.
    • CommentAuthorDianeT*
    • CommentTimeMar 5th 2009
     
    I did the same thing that bluedaze did with one of my cars. I traded it in and bought a new one. My husband has no clue how to drive it and can you imagine, the extra set of keys has disappeared! Our second car is a different issue. At this point in time, I keep the keys with me in my purse. He has forgotten about it and at this point thinks the car needs to go in the shop to be repaired. I just tell him we can't afford to get it fixed and it seems to be working now.
  3.  
    I have been keeping our truck because I was afraid dh would be too upset if I sold it. Last week he brought it up and said we should probally sell it. I am going to get it cleaned up and advertised next week. It is a 2005 Colorado with only 13000 miles on it. A friend of ours has a used car lot and he told me he would give me $11,000 for it but I might want to advertise it a couple weeks and then if I didn't sell it he would buy it. I thought that sounded good to me. He said cars are just not selling now, but I already knew that. We don't need to vehicles and that will reduce some unnecessary expenses.
    • CommentAuthorFayeBay*
    • CommentTimeMar 6th 2009 edited
     
    My DH lost the keys to his two trucks
    • CommentAuthorMMarshall
    • CommentTimeMar 6th 2009
     
    I had a really bad time with dh taking his car out for a spin, also. He got lost only once. I tried to reason with him re: hurting someone and himself, didn't work. I had his neuro tell him in no uncertain terms that he COULD DRIVE NO LONGER! That did upset him and he was mad at me and the nero for quite some time. I then took his car and mine and traded them in for a new one which dh doesn't have a clue how to drive. He has given up, thank goodness! This is always an issue with them it seems. Takes creative thinking to stop their independence.
    • CommentAuthorjimmy
    • CommentTimeMar 6th 2009
     
    If you have a late model GM car with the computer chip in the key, you can get a duplicate key at the dealers. If it isn't programmed it won't start the car. You can put it in the ignition, it will turn and act like a regular key but nothing happens. If you want to "Test" the key you can put it the door lock or trunk lid and it will unlock the door and the lid, it just won't start the car.

    If they insist on having a key, you can safely give them one of these unprogrammed keys.
  4.  
    Several pages back I mentioned that my wife gave up driving voluntarily. However, we kept her car - a 1986 Chevy Suburban with 117,000 miles on it. We used it primarily to take garbage to the transfer station. When I discovered that we had only put 300 miles on it in a full year, I decided to get rid of it. Since it was in her name, she had to sign the papers, but did so willingly. I'm not sure she fully understood what she was doing. We got $1000 for it. The person who bought it heard me talking about it to someone else and asked what I wanted. When I gave him the price he left, coming back about 1/2 hour later with $1000 cash. He didn't see the car until I delivered it to him a couple of weeks later.
    • CommentAuthorFayeBay*
    • CommentTimeMar 8th 2009 edited
     
    It took DH 3 weeks to figure out what the DMV letter meant.
    • CommentAuthorkathi37*
    • CommentTimeMar 12th 2009
     
    Well, it has happened here. G's driving days are officialy over. He destroyed his car's inards by driving after the radiator cracked, then backed into a 18 wheeler which took care of the side and rear end of his poor vehicle.He voluntarily gave me his car keys, found out it wasn't cost effective to try and repair it...and adios old Mercedes. He was in shock last night, I think, and is very quiet and depressed today, but knows it is final. He truly hadn't been driving very much...just to the park and back mainly, but it is the withdrawal of independence, of course. Very sad day.
  5.  
    Glad he wasn't hurt-or didn't hurt someone else
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    ttt-for new members, its important you read thru this thread if your spouse is dx and driving.
    • CommentAuthorkathi37*
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    I get to add another! Although G has been very good about the driving issue, yesterday he was being "nice" and decided to wash my car (my pride and joy a beautiful big black BMW). He didn't consider this driving! I wasn't in the immediate area, but heard a loud crash..yep..when returning it to the garage he just kept going and crashed into a NEW garage freezer full of meat. I know the insurance will total my car as it is old even tnough in perfect condition. I have never been so angry...yelled and swore like some harridan, but am still so mad I can't talk to him.

    This makes him three for three...and done driving! I just found a huge dent in our Dodge Ram pick up that our son is going to buy. All done while he was thru getting behind wheels. I have all the keys still..what a pain in the A**!
    • CommentAuthorJanet
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    My husband was diagnosed with MCI in January 2008. He was retested in January 2009 and given the same diagnosis. Since the first diagnosis he's had two minor accidents that he caused - very unusual for him. Wednesday we went to a town 50 miles from where we live. My husband drove. He went through one red light and one stop sign and rolled through another stop sign with only a pause. He hit two curbs, while turning corners. In February, his doctor recommended a driving evaluation. The doctor said he didn't expect him to fail, but that it was good to be tested as a preventative measure. It would show he was ok in case he had an accident and was sued. The evaluation was yesterday. He passed the test. Is there a point at which you (I) draw the line about his driving even if the tests show his driving is ok? I really wanted him to fail, although I certainly don't want to have to do all the driving. I'm not sure what to do. This is so frustrating!
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009 edited
     
    oh kathi! how horrible. i am glad he wasnt hurt -good you are standing strong and taking the keys. divvi

    janet, i guess if he passes the driving test your insurance would cover it but if you even bring it up and go ahead and ask the insur com i dont think it would be until next renewal they could cancell him off your policy.
    like joan has said many times, their actual driving abilities may be pretty stable its the critical emergency thinking and rational thinking that can be amiss and driving tests dont test that or have a way to do that. the liablilities are treacherous and if he hurts someone you can be sure his dx will come up if you are sued. if he is running red lights and stop signs he is not thinking properly and its a hugggge red flag!! i dont think i'd want a jury to decide if he should not have been on the road if an accident occured-they tend to lean toward probable safety issues and that usually doesnt go well for the ad driver. divvi
    •  
      CommentAuthorJoan1012*
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    My husband was also diagnosed in January 08 with MCI. We are going next week for a new evaluation. Things have changed since the first diagnosis. My husband has been a salesman on the road for 45 years and is still working part time. The problem now is that he gets disoriented if there is a detour or he makes a wrong turn. He has admitted to feeling lost a few times. On his next visit to the neuro they will do a driving study. Having read through this thread I can see how I will have a hard decision to make even if he passes the test.
    • CommentAuthorSunshyne
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009 edited
     
    Janet, the driving skills come and go, like everything else. I think you already did your own driving test, and your husband flunked, big time. In my book, this isn't about insurance. What if there had been a car coming at either the stop light or one of the stop signs? You might have been killed, he might have been killed, the other motorist might have been killed, maybe a child in the other car.

    For what it's worth, I noticed my husband's skills weren't as good as they used to be. I thought perhaps the slower reaction times, tailgating, etc, were just part of getting older, but still, I took over the driving -- about a year before he was diagnosed.
    • CommentAuthorJanet
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    Sunshyne, I know you are right. I worry a lot about all the things you mentioned. I also know I'll have a hard time getting him to stop driving. In fact, he'll be furious, especially after this test. He still goes places alone - he just got back from Menard's. Unfortunately, Illinois law specifically says that people in the early stages of dementia may be competent to drive, and there's no restriction on their having licenses. Our State Farm policy doesn't say anything about it either. I have dreaded getting to this point - especially after reading the stories others (including Joan) have posted.
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    Comment Author Joan1012 Comment Time 6 hours ago
    I read RK's response to Kitty and was very surprised to learn that a diagnosis of AD will affect auto insurance. My husband is in sales and driving is who he is. He's still functional enough to drive although it's starting to make him nervous. His evaluation is due next week. I learn every day on this site.
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    CommentAuthorNancy B CommentTime1 hour ago
    I just got off the phone with my Allstate Agent. She said Allstate did not have a written policy against a person with an Alzheimer's diagnosis driving. She did say that if it was a serious accident, injuries and a lawyer was involved, they'd probably bring up the fact - as an aside. She said - "or, if they could prove the driver was on a cell phone, texting or even if they are intoxicated. The insurance company could choose to not renew the policy and probably would. But, they do not put in the exceptions to coverage anything about the driver's mental state. She called me about something entirely different, and I was glad to get her viewpoint. As I understand it, Allstate doesn't prohibit drivers with AD from driving, but if there is a wreck, the lawyers could "go to town" if they found out.
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    Rk CommentTime1 hour ago
    Exactly Nancy B. Now our State farm agent won't insure him. So it depends on the Company. But what I was trying to say is, if the other driver finds out it could be become a real issue. And we the caregiver could be held liable.
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    divvi CommentTime1 hour ago edited
    nancy the policy may not hold exclusions for mental compentency perse many policies ask at purchase if you have any deficiencies in that dept=even but your driving license does have that connotation within the fine lines.. if you want to check out the online renewal or by mail or in person you have to 'swear' that there is no change in mental or physical capacities that impair your driving abilities. i think that includes a first dx of AD or even epilipsy or any mental type impairment even TIA or heartattack within a 2yr period. a good atty will go on a spree from that standpoint, you should have notified driving license bureaus of your impairment and then would not even have a valid licen. then after that its all over -no license? you will be held accountable for any damamges plus charges for maybe even fraud to the DPS or licensing depts for not being truthful about the impairments.. its just to risky. i saw it many times while an insur agent how companies relish this to happen so they can get out of paying claims.
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    CommentAuthorVickie CommentTime47 minutes ago
    I took over the driving after the DX with no problem. But he did still have his license and was on our insurance policy. Never thought much about it - then, because his driving was still okay. Then I let him drive 6 blocks to the barber shop one morning before a funeral - and he had a minor accident 2 blocks from home. He was so upset and he walked home and gave me his keys and that was the end of any driving. Notified the insurance agent and they removed him from the policy. He still has his license which don't get renewed for 3 more years, but he just uses it for I.D.
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    Nancy B CommentTime17 minutes ago
    My DH has never argued one time about driving. We sold his van before we moved, thinking we'd buy him a convertible..(so he could look like a hottie)..but he fell, then had surgery, and we never mentioned it again. He hasn't asked, I haven't mentioned it.

    His particular personality is simply silent. He replies..but rarely initiates a conversation. He watches TV, (sort of) and sleeps. His physical health is good, - he has trouble walking very well, but doesn't use aids..he just sits and stares.

    I count my blessings, when I read about some of your problems with temperment, name calling and aggression. I hope we have dodged that bullet. Do you think it is yet to come? He's moderately severe, according to his doctor. (No numbers)
    • CommentAuthorAdmin
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    divvi CommentTime10 minutes ago
    i located from dmv.org about what you are asked on any drivers licensing renewals..

    your renewal card either my mail or in person or email will ask "do you have any disease, disorder, or disability, that would impair your ability to driver safely".. when you sign your name to the back of the renewal card or app in person and send it back in so they send your new drivers license, you are stating :NO", unless you tell them of any disability-

    that means if you dont tell them and they renew the license, you can be held accountable for false statements to a govt agency...

    just thought i'd put this here -i think if you want you can verify this with your local drivers licensing dept.

    Divvi
  6.  
    Fortunately, while he still had enough awareness, my husband said "if I get into an accident, even if it's not my fault, we can be wiped out (financially)" and he gave up driving w/out any fuss. It doesn't matter what your personal insurance agency says or what your policy covers, or even what the DMV says--a valid driver's license is no defense against driving while impaired. What matters is that if you injure or kill someone, THEY will go after you for all you have and it can be well and far beyond the amt of liability ins you carry. THEY can also get your medical records so there is no hiding that you knew of the impairment. If you let him drive knowing that he has any cognitive impairment, you can also be sued up the wazoo. Each state and each ins company has different conditions, but bottom line is that you can be wiped out--not to mention how you'd feel if someone were hurt or killed.
    • CommentAuthorZibby*
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    Don't let people w/dementia drive! As several posters have said, mental processing can change quickly. Anguish and guilt from accidents isn't worth it. We had no injury or property damage to others, but....I've posted our situation here before.
  7.  
    I am a firm believer in allowing people the freedom to do as much as they are capable, even if they have dementia. Where do you draw the line of people's abilities? Take a good look around you and you will see drivers who put on makeup (eyeliner), talk on phones, nurse babies, reach in the back to insert dvd's for the kids, file their nails, read newspapers or books, program their gps devices, etc etc.
    The driving issue for my wife solved itself because she became scared to drive and could not remember how to do it...everything was unfamiliar to her. So after not driving for 3 months, I had a key made that would unlock the car, but not allow it to be driven, (it did not have a chip). On my way home, I stopped at my daughter's house and told her of my new idea...a dummy key. As we were discussing how to substiture the fake key, who pulls into the driveway but my wife......Somehow she was competent enough to drive, and she said that she did not have any problem....ordinarily, she says that her head hurts too much when she drives...too much thinking.....so what to do????
    We will not substiture the non working key...when she discovers that the key does not work, she will lose trust in us and it will make the situation worse....I feel that if she feels competent enough to drive, then so be it. If anything happens, then we may get wiped out financially, but after being wiped out emotionally, perhaps that will not be too bad.....
    Probably 50% of the drivers out there are less competent than someone with dementia...I want my wife to live her life to the fullest possible, regardless of the unforseen circumstances. Everything in life involves risks, and unless you take those risks, you will never live fully and enjoy living.....
    I think the problem will go away as the disease advances.........
    • CommentAuthorbriegull*
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    .. the problem may go away, but heaven help the person she runs over before then!!

    I always keep in mind the three rules of nursery school: freedom but:

    You may not harm yourself
    You may not harm anyone else
    You may not harm the equipment

    Unless you can be sure she won't harm anyone else (I think someone here has a spouse who drives all over his farm or ranch, and more power to him) you really shouldn't encourage the driving, however good it makes you feel to let her do her own thing.
    • CommentAuthorPatB
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    briegull, those are great rules for dementia 101 and as well as any time in life.

    Frank (phranque), welcome to our group, and be prepared for some discussion. "The driving" is always the most active thread on any forum about dementia. (Frank said is wife is stage 6 on his into).

    PatB
  8.  
    Fortunately, my wife gave up driving voluntarily. We were headed to our daughter's house, a five hour drive. DW usually drove the first 2 hours, and then I would take over. On this occasion, when we stopped for a bathroom break after one hour, she handed me the keys and said she was done driving. She has not driven since. I agreed with her since she had to ask me where to turn, and did not seem to see a flock of turkeys in the road ahead of us until the last minute. She even showed no regrets when I sold her car.
  9.  
    Frank, I think that it is wonderful that you want to encourage your wife to do as much as she can. Most of us feel the same way about our spouses--with one caveat--if it compromises their safety or the safety of someone else. To me, this is the paramount issue here. Whether you want to run the risk of being wiped out financially is certainly your choice--but what if your wife is driving, causes an accident, and sustains permanent physical injuries, in addition to the dementia? Just the fact that she became scared at one point and gave it up for a while--to me, that's a big clue that it's risky business to allow her to drive. As we say on this website so often, their "reason button" is broken. So how can we rely on them to make the right decisions on potential life and death issues? One more thing, I have read that driving is the most challenging activity that our brains do...please think about it a little more.
    • CommentAuthordivvi*
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    If your wife is stage 6 you should rethink what you said about her driving. like briegull, its one thing to hurt herself or you but having someone on the roads that are in that late stage driving is negligence no matter if you think she can drive our not. i was just reading on another website about how they can appear to be able to drive from habit but the judgement of distance and emergency response or timed reaction is nil. sorry i disagree but you are entitled to your opinion of course - divvi
  10.  
    Authorphranque
    I am a firm believer in allowing people the freedom to do as much as they are capable, even if they have dementia. Where do you draw the line of people's abilities? Take a good look around you and you will see drivers who put on makeup (eyeliner), talk on phones, nurse babies, reach in the back to insert dvd's for the kids, file their nails, read newspapers or books, program their gps devices, etc etc
    _____________________________________________
    Frank, I saw my husband hesitate when he would need tostep on the brake quickly.. That was my voice the village heard screaming "STOPPP!!! As I said, about the same time we moved to Houston, he had a medical emergency, and since his car was sold back in GA, it never became an issue. Timing worked for us.

    My fear would be that had he continued to drive, he might have hit a child on a bicycle, or killed a young family, because he couldn't stop quickly enough. Forget the money. Imagine the sorrow and grief. It's beyond imagination.

    You cannot take the stance you wrote. It's your responsibility to protect her and the other people on the road. If you don't want to be responsible for making this decision, have her doctor make it for her...but please, please, Frank, don't let her drive. And, for heavens sake, do not let her make the decision for herself.

    There will be many other unpleasant and difficult things that we, as caregivers, will have to do, but this is, by far, one of the most important.
    • CommentAuthorcarosi*
    • CommentTimeMar 28th 2009
     
    Ditto divvi.

    Ride with a driver with dementia, and be sliding across the seat because it looks like the mailboxes along the road will be joining you in the passenger seat. Or take a left corner in a Windstar, as though you were riding a motorcycle, because he didn't slow down enough for the corner. Or turn in front of a car coming down a hill toward you, and nearly get clipped because the speed/time ratio wasn't gauged right. Driving presents continuous challenges in decision making, which a person with dementia just can't do reliably anymore.

    This has nothing to do with chosing to take risks--i.e. the sport of skydiving--learn, use equipment, and do it.
    This is being responsible for the safety of our LOs and the others they would endanger unwittingly.
  11.  
    Well, Frank, you do not fully understand the depth of dementia and the havoc it causes in the brain. It is not a matter of letting her have her freedoms or whatever other rationalizations you posted, it is a matter of understanding that those with dementia have lost a substantial amount of subtle physical abilities, they simply do not have the quick reactions that are needed to be in control of what amounts of a gigantic rolling killing machine. They easily confuse the brake and gas pedals, they hit curbs and mailboxes, they get confused at exits & misread signs. If someone is having trouble in the home cooking, reading, getting dressed, using the TV remote or the phone, unable to find things, any mental decline--all of these things transfer to driving. They lose the ability to judge distance and speed, they can no longer distinguish shades and shadows. They think they can do all sorts of things, but if they are demented, it is your responsibility to be their guardian as you would keep a child from playing in the street. You may not like or agree with what we are saying, but, trust us, the day may well come when your wife will not trust you anyway. Where do you draw the line? You draw it when someone says they are scared to drive and forget how. Your wife is having a lucid period, but it does not mean things are getting better. I don't care if you get wiped out financially either, just let us know when she gets in the driver's seat so we can pull our children inside. Yes, many drivers talk on the phone, put on make-up, etc but that is not the same as being demented. They should not do it, it is dangerous & self-indulgent, but essentially they are still in control--and too often it causes accidents, but it's not the same thing at all.
  12.  
    Absolutely. Bettyhere said it best of all of us...but we're all saying the same thing. I pray you will rethink what you said and beginning tomorrow, do what you have to do. She cannot drive. She should not drive. Period.
    • CommentAuthorSunshyne
    • CommentTimeMar 29th 2009 edited
     
    Poor Frank, you're in for it now... This is a major hot button on this site!!!

    "Everything in life involves risks, and unless you take those risks, you will never live fully and enjoy living."

    I believe you can take risks for yourself, that's fine, but you can NOT knowingly and willingly make the decision to risk the life of someone else. You are knowingly and willingly making the decision to risk thousands of lives, your wife's included. You do not have that right.


    "I feel that if she feels competent enough to drive, then so be it."

    How many of our spouses are able to judge what they are competent to do? This gets us right back to "anosognosia", a lack of self-awareness. A dementia patient is the last person who should be assessing his/her own abilities.


    "We will not substitute the non working key...when she discovers that the key does not work, she will lose trust in us and it will make the situation worse."

    That's making an assumption that she would be able to figure out what you did, which seems a bit unlikely. She is much more likely to be confused and think that she is unable to figure out how to make the car work -- just as she was when she couldn't remember how to drive -- and not even want to drive again.


    I stopped my husband from driving long before he was ever diagnosed. He had not caused any accident, or made any illegal maneuvers such as running a red light. I simply noticed that his reflexes weren't as fast as they used to be, he wasn't judging the distance and relative speeds between our car and the ones in front of or behind us nearly as well, and he got rattled and had unsafe responses in a couple of unusual situations. I knew there was something wrong, and that he wasn't a safe driver any more. I assumed it was due to his age...
    • CommentAuthorZibby*
    • CommentTimeMar 29th 2009
     
    Yes, there are plenty of people driving who shouldn't be for one reason or another. People eat & drive, text and drive, put on make-up and drive, shave & drive--and none of that should be done; but that doesn't excuse us. Sounds like a kid's excuse. We want our spouses to do as much as they can to be "empowered" (gag), but our rights stop when they infringe on another. Briegull's nursery school rules apply to all of us all the time. A car can be as deadly as a gun.
  13.  
    wow..I guess I did hit a hot button...Fortunately, my wife drives rarely, and only drove once in the past 3 months, and it was only about 5 miles on back roads. Yes I agree that I should not let her drive. I have hidden the keys, disconnected wires, and now i am searching for somekind of switch I can install that will not permit the car to start. Yes I am scared of her driving, yes I am aware that people on the sidewalk are in danger, but she does have moments when her thinking is a bit clearer, and she avoids traffic areas and major highways. The key substitution was a great idea, but I am trying to gain her trust, and confidence. As her primary caregiver, she tells me often how much she hates me and how bad I am. I tolerate so much verbal abuse, and she is so negative about everything. The negativity really affects how you treat a person, and I have found that it is easy to love someone who loves you back. Try loving someone who hates you and criticises every aspect of life.
    Keep in mind that we live in a retirement community- everyone here is over 70, and I constantly see people running down mailboxes, driving the wrong way, running red lights, etc....When I watch my wife drive, she does ok and I have not observed diminished abilities yet. She knows when the fog lifts, and when she feels almost normal. I truly feel that her driving will not be a concern much longer, because she has lost the desire to drive, and feels that it is too difficult for her to do. It is a problem that will go away by itself. If not, then i will find a way to disable the car,
  14.  
    Good Lord, it sounds like your retirement community is more like a Demolition Derby track. They should put a sign at the entrance warning people to proceed with caution. I wouldn't even want to walk there.....
  15.  
    <<It is a problem that will go away by itself. If not, then i will find a way to disable the car, >>

    I'd do it today, Frank.
    • CommentAuthorKadee*
    • CommentTimeMar 29th 2009 edited
     
    I also see many people driving that you wonder how they maintain a license, however, I am not responsible for them. I am responsible for my husband & would be devastated if he hurt of worse killed someone when I knew in my heart that he should not be driving.
    My husband hasn't drove in almost 2 years now. The day I decided he could no longer drive was the day he ran a red light, didn't know what lane he should use, and had no idea where we were going. I should have taken his driving privileges away the day he was lost for 1 1/2 hours 5 miles from our home. I didn't want to make him feel as if he had lost everything...just lucky something bad didn't happen. Did he balk about not being able to drive, YOU BET! Some really tough days...but I stood my ground. Do I wish he could still drive? YES, YES, I hate driving all the time, I hate that I can't have him run an errand when I am in the middle of something, however, I do have the peace of mind that he will not hurt or kill someone, himself, be arrested, get lost or wipe us out financially.